Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Day 79

No, but it'll make you grow big and strong so you can stop being such a bitch about swallowing...

LOTW: Tiger's Got Wood -The name of some porn that parodies the world's most famous half-black half-something-asian guy who also happens to be good at golf.

This update is going to be a bit different from the previous ones only because I wrote very little of this. Instead, there's just a shitload of links to things I've found in the past week and a half that have made me say to myself "People need to see this. Also, I need to stop talking to myself." Without further ado, get your mouse-3 button ready to open some tabs because here we (you) go!

You know how kids do the darndest things? Well, there's a girl from Portland that...well...let's just say that if there was a competition for a kid doing the darndest thing, she. Would. Win.

I don't understand this whole craze for not wearing shoes on April 8th. If I was a kid who had never had shoes in my entire life and then I found out that people with many good pairs of shoes were just leaving them at home and wasting their potential, I would be confused, angry, insulted, saddened and offended that someone would be that fucking stupid. So this April 8th -Your death, do the right thing and WEAR. YOUR. FUCKING. SHOES. Besides, your feet are absolutely disgusting, so if you don't wear shoes for yourself, at least do it for everyone that's going to have to see your feet for the rest of the day, you inconsiderate douche.

Would you like a blow job by Hillary Duff? ME TOO! Here's how you do it, because apparently its easy, all you need to do is propose to her and you get this!

Here's an interesting little letter to a lady who thinks that homosexuality is an abomination, when in reality it's just gross. Anywhoozle, the guy who wrote it decided to use her sacred over-detailed brochure against her, resulting in this. I mean, the bible saying we're not allowed to own people?! That's ridiculous! I mean, that's like saying that every person in history like Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and your great-grandfather are all in hell...oh wait, they are. You white people and your shitty decisions.

If you watch Rambo backwards, it's Sylvester Stallone healing people with his magical bullet vacuum.

Do you like baco-of course you fucking like bacon, everyone likes bacon. Well, do you also love Star Wa-of course you like Star Wars, everyone that's not black loves Star Wars and I don't know any black people who can spell "blog," much less use a computer. so I don't expect any angry emails written with Caps Lock on. Anyways, enough racist tangents. As Liam Neeson would say: RELEASE THE BACON AT-AT!!

For those of you that STILL don't follow me on Twitter, you may not know that I recently became an official member of PETA (People for the Eating of Tender Animals).

This next link is my favorite one of all, well, second to the Link of Hyrule, because it's something that totally makes sense on my level of intensity. I'm not even going to explain it because the article has an excerpt which does the job so much better than I could ever hope to do:
"A flexible polyurethane condom-like tube that fits into the woman's body.... Rows of jagged plastic hooks line the inside of the tube — bent backward like teeth in a shark’s mouth — and lodge in a perpetrator's penis upon entry."
That's right...let it sink in. Ok, here's the link to the article. Now that your mind and penis have officially been blown, let's discuss this. It's basically a backwards condom, because the last thing that can be considered is "safe." Let me begin by saying that I whole-heartedly approve of this being sold to women everywhere, hell, if I go to prison I'll probably end up getting myself a case or 18 (If you know what I look like, you know I would be like a sex doll in prison). Despite this being awesome, however, I can't get into the mindset of how this would be applicable by a woman. I mean, do you put it in at the start of the day? How do you do it without hurting your finger or ruining a perfectly good banana/cucumber/glass-coke-bottle (I don't judge)? How does your mind process that? Do you take it out of the package, kiss it for good luck and say "I hope you come out empty today!" What if she's dating a guy from a sketchy part of town and they're about to have sex? Does she have to say "Wait, hold on, I need to take out my shark-toothed-ant-rape-condom out before you rip my vagina a new hole..."

Here's an interesting social aspect of this product though: A woman putting it in all day means she thinks she might be raped at any given point in her day, and if that's the case, she should worry less about what's going into her vagina and more into living in a better zip code. going back to my first point though, what if you're in Walgreens because CVS is gay and you see an ugly woman buy a pack of them? Do you give her the patronizing look I give fat guys when they buy condoms that says "Yeah, I'm totally sure you're gonna need all of those. Have fun with your video camera and loneliness for the next 6 hours, let me know how hard the EMS people laugh when you fuck it up." I think they should sell a 30-pack for hot women, and have it include a shirt that says DONT FUCK ME OR YOUR DICK WILL BLEED!! and under that, in smaller text, have it say (Unless I say it's A-OK!).

Fuck vampires and werewolves, I'd rather be a whenwolf and travel through time every full moon as Michael J. Fox.

This isn't funny, just nerdy. Some guy created a real life version of the famous computer system from the film adaptation of Iron Man, the one and only: JARVIS.

Why isn't "Color me gay because I'm going Gaga for [Awesome thing here like time machine or the next Zelda game]" a more popular phrase?

I couldn't pick which video I enjoyed more so I'm posting both of them, here you have 2 people fighting for the same job (In THIS economy?! How current!) and in the second one you have a family that loves Ellen Degeneres...except their angry, angry father:

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