Thursday, April 1, 2010

Day 78

This is what Devastator should've looked like if Michael Bay wasn't such a stupid douche...

LOTW: She had sex for, like, cheeseburgers -Maddie talking about a girl from high school

Bonus LOTW: She smells like Sexicrombie & Bitch -Me describing a customer at work

This entry will begin with the single most useful video I will ever post on here:

It's not secret that it's April Fools today and guess what I decided to do? Nothing. Just kidding, I'm not wearing any underwear. Why? Because it feels fucking great outside...hell, almost TOO great. So much that I'm convinced, and if you live in Houston, I'm sure you will be too, that this awesome weather is god's April Fools prank on Houston for the shit we're gonna get the rest of the year...prick.

I wish I was better at drawing so I could make a comic strip where in one post, a guy eats a girl out using the sound "Om nom nom nom nom nom" and then have an audio file of me actually doing it**.

So summer is right around the corner, then again, so are prostitutes but no one ever mentions them. I'm actually kind of excited because it will allow me to continue my long-standing tradition of going swimming with a faux-hawk and pretending I'm a shark with a full head of hair AND an attitude problem.

There's a picture on the internet that promotes America through its badassness. Most people think it can't be topped. I beg to differ. Kill you in your sleep on Christmas during wartime? How about we kill a few random people and psychologically destroy an entire town in France using LSD-spiked bread...FOR FUN?! This is why regardless of how fucked up the government and the super-rich are, at least my shitty day consists of a day when I go to Jack in the Box not 2min from my house and they accidentally give me mayo on my burger and not something like a fellow countryman decided to blow up my school to prove his point.

In case you're wondering, you haven't lived until you've watched Precious with a joint.

There are times when I lay awake in bed thinking: If my fridge COULD run away, how fast would it be? Would I be able to jog up to it and stop it or would I need a vehicle to cut it off? I mean, what if someone calling you and telling you your refrigerator was running was a serious problem and was a situation that had to be dealt with IMMEDIATELY? I assume it would be common to have some sort of GPS tracking device installed in all fridges just in case. Would black fridges run away a lot more often than white or beige ones? Maybe they'd run away based on how you treat them or how old they are, I imagine a refrigerator being 6 years old is like being a teenager so they'd always be trying to leave and hang out w/the sexy new ones down the street...then again, how would they know there are new ones down the street in the first place? What if they'd run away based on the kind of food you put in them and you get a fridge that HATES your favorite food like chicken pot pies, milk, eggs, chorizo, Coke Classic or Sunkist? Oh man, that would fucking suck, you'd have to chain that mofo down...unless it'd be illegal or something because of RAPE (Refrigerator Alliance for the Purpose of Emancipation).

Did you know that dipping your finger into Honey-BBQ sauce and then licking it off tastes amazing? Did you know that doing it for 47 consecutive minutes can make your mouth taste delicious? I do.

Sometimes I think I would be funnier if I was driving stoned and had a hit-and-run resulting in the death of 3 middle schoolers and me getting away with it. Maybe murder is the key to great comedy...or maybe I'm actually so hungry I'm willing to kill something and/or someone to get some food.

I was in my Child Psych class a few days ago and we were watching some PBS special-type-video with Alan Alda and a lady asked a kid "What's in the box?" so I replied (for all to hear), "Gwyneth Paltrow's head!" and only ONE other person in the class got it...if people were more well-rounded I wouldn't have such a big ego. (See what I did with the formatting there?)

Question: How often has the phrase "I love adultery as much as the next girl, but he's been getting a lot of uglies..." been said?
Answer: Not enough.

Lost would be better (read: Good) if they added Blue from Blue's Clues to help make sense of it all. Also, I wish I could have a relationship with a girl just like the one between the writers of Lost and everyone who's not a writer on Lost so that I could just write/say/do whatever I wanted to without any purpose or consequence.

If I moved to California and had a gajillion dollars, I would open up a hybrid supercenter of the following stores...all in one convenient building:
  • Half-Price Books
  • Jack-in-the-Box
  • KFC
  • Weed Dispensary
  • Gamestop
  • Gallery Furniture
  • Any mass-beer-brewery
  • Also, it would have nothing but my iTunes playing
Would you visit me and/or be a regular customer? I thought so.

Well that's it for me, I really need to start getting a 6 minute set together for Houston's Funniest Person Contest in a couple weeks. Until next time, remember this: Don't be such a Laydown Larry!

**Not an audio file of me making the noise, but of me eating a girl out WHILE I make the noise.

That video had NOTHING to do with the last thing I wrote.

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