Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 74

They taste like your EYES!

Line of the Week: Have you ever been groped by two hott girls...with really big clits? - A gay friend of mine after trying, and failing, to take off my shirt while I was under much influence at a party.

I went to see The Hurt Locker, my #1 film of 2009, in theaters again, except this time with a vagina! I don't mean I had a friend who kept saying they should shoot hugs instead of bullets or a specific part of a dismembered victim of mine, I'm talking about some chick who let me pick an indie war drama over It's Complicated.

In case you don't know what It's Complicated is about allow me to explain with a simple plot synopsis:
A bunch of years ago, Old Guy 1 (Alec Baldwin) fucked this Old Woman (Meryl Streep), but after a while, he got rug burns and landed a moist teenager for a while until OW found out and boring stuff happened. Now they're both unhappy with being rich white people so they decide to ruin their reputation within their family, friends and all society and start throwing their almost-useless-but-completely-disgusting genitals at random areas of their life that therapy hasn't fixed yet. Enter Old Guy 2 (Steve Martin), who also hasn't seen many parts of his penis for so long there's permanent folds around it now. He wants to bang OW and here is the film's main conflict: Should the rich and white OW fuck the rich and white OG1 or the rich and white OG2? Here's a hint, she fucks both of them. Roll credits.

What's funny is that I actually took her out of It's Complicated about an hour before it ended so she could see THL with me, and the greatest part about that is that she said she was getting turned on by It's Complicated. Later, I said I kinda got turned on by THL which made me see how fucking different guys and chicks are. Guys get turned on by guns and explosions and girls get turned on by imagining a cold and still wet hot dog covered by used saran wrap entering two corn husks that are loosely tied together at both ends.

After the movie was over, I came to a realization that I REALLY need to pee. This may not be an important aspect of anyone's stories, except that the men's restrooms were out of order, most likely to all the junk food shits from all the nerds that went to see Sherlock Holmes that weekend. This means that I had to use the only kind of toilets I absolutely hate using unless I have to: The Public Family Restroom. I hate those restrooms for so many damn reasons. First of all, it always smells like shit because if you had to pick any restroom to take a massive dump in, of course you're going to pick the one with only one toilet. Secondly, they're always too small or the toilet is in a weird position to where you're looking at yourself in the mirror while you're shitting...have you ever seen your "push" face? It's ugly and the last thing you want to see while you're pushing out a massive turd is yourself sweaty and out-of-breath and kinda looking like you're crying. Thirdly, on top of the fecal smell, there's also the infamous baby/baby shit/talcum powder smell on top of it and it's just fucking weird and uncomfortable. Fourthly, because there's been kids in there, the parents think their kid is the shit and don't worry about the next person, meaning there's never enough toilet paper or paper towels. Fifthly, it just feels weird to have your bare-ass on the same place that a random kid could have had their bare-ass on not 5min before...think about that next time you're in one.

Am I the only one that occasionally likes to buy and use a toothpaste that's made for sensitive gums and then grab an old and really used toothbrush that has bristles labeled as "soft" and brush my teeth as hard as possible in hopes of making my gums bleed and see if I can get any money out of it? Didn't think so.

Some friends and I were sitting in the back of a theater before work and talking about how easy it is to get girls to send us naked pictures of themselves and how we never send anything back. It seems this is phenomenon that began with my crazy generation. We started joking around about how frat boys would probably grab a marker and draw on a 6-pack before they send a picture of their penis and whatnot when I came up with the best idea: send a girl a picture of your penis...while it's limp. It wouldn't surprise me if they'd look at the picture of the area consisting of shriveled up skin and curly hair and ask why you sent them a picture of Indian food...

If you don't have a Twitter account, you're stupid and silly and should tooooootally, like, get one, kay? If you do, then you should definitely follow one of the best Twitter's I've ever read: Man vs Zombies.

I'd like to take this time to send out a note to all the black people in the US:
Dear Blacks in America:

You can tip now. Slavery ended like 60yrs ago, and ya'll weren't even enslaved as long as the Jews, Mexicans or Egyptians were, so stop your fucking bitching. I'm not impressed and no one gives a shit. If anything, I'd say you've been a really shitty sport about the whole situation, maybe if black people were born with a sense of loyalty, you wouldn't have this problem. What's that? You don't know what I'm talking about because you failed out of public school? Allow me to learn ya something. Blacks were sold to the whites by, GASP, other blacks! That's right, not only were you betrayed by your own people, but by your own tribe/clan/family as well. Similarly, I can't believe that you also don't tip If you were more honest, hard-working, better people like Denzel Washington and Morgan Freeman, this shit wouldn't happen. Thank you.

Love, Homero.

On Thursday morning I took my sister to the bus station for her birthday trip to Dallas, and as I walked out between two black guys, one of which looked like Snoop Dogg and the other kinda resembled a happier Ice Cube, I smelled the faint aroma of weed. I turned around to see Snoop lighting up a 11 on a Thursday morning in the cold rain while there's an on-duty cop inside the bus station that just kicked out some black guy for being annoying or something. Say what you will about their general lack of intelligence, but black people are pretty fucking audacious.

After the dropping was finished, I decided to stop by my mom's work and grab some lunch with her and as I dropped her back off I saw a woman in sweats who looked like a plastic female version of Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler and made a Botox joke to my mom who said words that I was not expecting: "Oh, that's the customer that was a guy, yeah, he had a sex change recently." I was speechless, not because someone chose to not want something as awesome as a penis dangle in front of them at all times, but that I was in the presence of someone with enough money to look god in the eye and say "Hey cunt-nugget, you fucked up. You're fucking lucky I'm fucking badass enough to fix your Dumb-niscient mistake." Fucking awesome.

Want proof that retards are the cause of sudden and major traffic? Read the last line...

I'll end with this: I'll end with this: Have you ever been working out around someone else and wondered if it could feel more uncomfortable? Well wonder no more because it is my honor to introduce to you: The Shake Weight.

Now in the Hand Job Edition!

Also comes in Gay!

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