Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Day 68

This is why abortion is acceptable more times than most...

Line of the Week: We double-teamed his dick. -The most casual line ever said by the most spiritual gay guy I know...I laughed for almost 4min straight.


I'm really getting sick of people who talk about movies when they can't even tell you why they're good or bad. Similarly, I hate even the general audiences. They don't know what they want and they're too stupid to like anything. The common misconception is that critics hate every film out there. Let me present this argument. I talked to some people recently and a they all agreed on these films: WALL-E sucked and was boring because they didn't talk for the first 45min, but Inglourious Basterds sucked because it had too much talking, subtitles and nothing ever happened until the end. Assuming they wanted some cheesy dialogue they can quote over and over again, I asked them if they liked Transformers 2 and they said no, that it sucked because it was too long. So I figured they'd have to enjoyed Superbad and they complained about how vulgar it was. Four polar opposite films, three of them great, one of them horrible, I enjoyed the experience from seeing all four in theaters and a regular group of movie-goers hated all four. Fuck all of you, you have no fucking clue what you're talking about. This is why I value my opinion over everyone else's when it comes to movies, because it's better and superior in every way.

I never realize how close I can really be to committing murder until I'm around someone who chews gum with their mouth open. Most of you will read this and assume I'm being my usual exaggerating self but you would be dead wrong. It's something that I consider worse than stealing, it's disgusting and if I could physically damage everyone who did I and get away with it, I very much would.

Because of 9/9/09, Threadless was selling every shirt for $9...too bad they ALL SUCK. Wearing one makes you instantly look like a douchebag. They can't even get decent models, look at the beer gut on this girl that apparently had Down's Syndrome:


or how about something between a midget and an ugly version of ratatouille:


Still not doing it for you? How about a fat girl that's too lazy to change the channel to one that's working? She's probably too tired from strapping on that emo headband:


My personal favorite is a two-parter, it features what Tina Fey/Lisa Ann/Sarah Palin would look like if they were ugly:


and the spitting image of our mediocre future of pale fat guys with unnaturally large noses:



I've been trying to get back to watching porn again since it has some of the funniest plots and acting I've ever seen in my life. Some guy was doing an Italian voice for his "character" but it ended up sounding like a gay Luigi. Then I started watching some other stuff and ended up getting three videos with uncircumcised penises...ugh. Can we all just agree that, not only are uncircumcised penises are disgusting, but that all porn featuring them should be limited to a website by the domain name of fuckingdisgusting.com? Then we can just leave it there for people who are weird and disgusting.

Knowing it's never failed me before, I switched over to the Yellow Fever channel and got some asian porn loaded up (pun fully intended). Then I remembered the single flaw about all asian porn: the women. Granted it's also it's strong point but I'm talking about how every asian girl getting fucked always moans/yells too loud to where you can tell it's painful and sometimes you swear you could see tears of pain come out and you kinda feel bad for feeling so good. If you're like me you obviously just power through it but it's something that never really leaves you...until you watch deaf porn...deaf girls moan so fucking loud, it's ridiculous!

I was in History the other day and my oh-so-wise proffesor was talking about race relations before the 20th century and he said the following statement: In the 1880s, the worst crime and black male could commit was rape. So I calmly put my hand up and replied "Ummm, isn't rape the worst crime ANYONE can commit?" Homero - 1, Professor - 0.

Since I'm in such a topical mood so I reckon I should comment on the national travesty that occurred only days after the worst 9/11 of all time...Kanye West had the balls to interrupt Taylor Swift during the VMAs. First of all, it's the VMAs...the fucking VMAs. Now that that's out of the way, Kanye West may have been a dick about it but it doesn't make it any less right. Once again, he was 100% correct, although I suppose that's beside the point. The point is, however, that everyone is going to hate him like they always do until his new album drops, and then they'll love him for the musical genius that he is, which is why I'm being NOT STUPID and continuing to listen to his badass songs while I keep on admiring him as an artist. Grow the fuck up; there are people who buy tickets to see movies like Sorority Row and you're worried about a couple celebrities? Fuck you.

Then Kelly Clarkson decided to write AN ENTIRE BLOG ENTRY about nothing but Kanye West and how much he disap-blah blah blah. Fuck you Kelly Clarkson! You're no one. You won the first season of a "reality" TV show, everyone knows the first person is always the weakest, they have nothing to be compared to and even the judges have no fucking clue what they're doing. Here's the best part, I'm from Texas, so are you...and I still fucking think you're a dumbshit. You're fat, you can't act, you can't write and your songs are annoying. Go back to Walmart and get yourself some pastries you fat cunt.

I will recognize that at least one good thing came from it...the start of the latest internet meme: Immaletyoufinish. I actually scrolled through and found some of my favorites to post today:

and my personal favorite:

In my Public (Pubic?) Speaking class, we had to give an introductory speech about ourselves, naturally, being fucking awesome, narcissistic and a stand up comic, I knocked that shit out of the park...and no, me using that saying doesn't make baseball any less retarded. Shortly after me went up some guy who feels like he tries too hard to be heard and goes onto say that he recently went to China. It was fine and boring like the rest of the speeches until he mentioned he went with his church group (cult?) and said, and I quote, "...and we did some crazy stuff" with an unnecessary emphasis on crazy. What kind of crazy stuff do church groups do? Convert people? Pray extra hard? Maybe that's called extreme praying though. Do they take shots of holy water and say things like "Geez brothers and sisters, I'm sooo blessed right now, I really should stop and turn the other cheek to every subsequent shot. Perhaps next time if my tolerance has improved."

Christian's are silly.

The other day I was thinking ahead...well..more like thinking OF head. True story mofos, everyDAY!!

Some friends and I went to movie theater to watch Inglourious Basterds again and some 7-year-old kid walked out of a nearby theater showing G-Force just in time for me to hear her say "ugh, it was alright but I thought Aliens in the Attic was MUCH better", I wanted to reply-had her family not been with her- "really?That's interesting because I thought an abortion would have been better than carrying you to term for comparing any kids movies as being better than another." She got away with that shit this time, but just wait...I'll find her again...

Before I go, I just want to let you know that sometimes, I sleep on blankets.

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