Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Day 66
Posting this picture wasn't a random decision...and those kids deserve it for being shitty children.
Line of the Week: We should kill each other sometime next week...you have to go first though. -Me to a girl I'm dating
Holy shit nuggets I haven't been on here in waaaaaaay too long. I've been busy and shit, like always, doing illegal and unethical things that I'll never regret because guilt and regret are for the pussies who read shitty romantic books like Twilight and think Crash is a good movie...and I say fuck 'em all. Remember kids, if you didn't agree with anything I said, this is The Greater TRUTH, not The Mildly Awesome Opinion, respect it. Aside from sex, drugs and video games I've also been putting together my new desktop, which is where I'm finally updating this little passion of mine on. In case you're wondering about how chaotic my life is, it's because I live my life by only three rules that will be explained at the end of this update:
1) They not ready
2) Motherfuckers need to know
3) Get yo' shit
Before I really REALLY begin, I'd like to point you to my first post...hard to believe it's been more than a year already. I've gone through so much crazy shit since I began, from updating twice a week to updating once every other month and probably doing much more in between each update. With work one day, and drugs and beer on the other I've been needing some time to sit down and hammer out some bullshit. Expect some quicker updates, maybe a bit shorter but the same content none of you want none-the-less. Oh, and before forget, some interesting little notes might be coming down the pike (kike?) very soon.
Lately I've been having some commitment problems. No, I don't mean the relationships ones because those are easy (Don't). I'm talking about real commitment, sticking with your decisions and not second guessing yourself, even if you're wrong...hell, ESPECIALLY if you're wrong. For instance, I was driving to work and before I knew it I was accidentally in the turning lane, despite being in the turning lane 3 streets too early. Most people would just turn and then double back or find a back way, but not me, I waited for the light to turn green and then held up the turning line until I could get into the left-hand lane and go straight, and you know what? No regrets on this side of the mind-grapes.
I watched My Sister's Keeper and took one great thing away from it: Cancer sex is disgusting and unappealing. Seriously, if you have cancer and you're bald and shit, don't have sex. Besides, you don't know what else is defective in your body that you could pass on. Don't be a douche and just masturbate to wigs or pictures of people who don't have cancer or whatever ya'll do. If you REALLY feel the need to have sex, do it with someone else who's about to be even more worthless dead than alive and make sure you do it in a dark room. When I say dark room I don't mean a room with a red light where you can take pictures and develop them, (that's unsafe and can give you a terminal disease, ha!) I mean go the cube-shaped equivalent of a black hole. You may think it's a good idea to see the person you're with but if ya'll had perfectly functioning eyes and could see like normal people do, you'd realize it isn't.
I also saw Bruno and manged to cry three times from laughing. That film was a social revolution and the only thing that pissed me off was the complaints from the cock-nuggets that said, and I quote, that "It was too gay." They're saying this about the guy who had a bare naked fight with a fat guy 3 years ago? Fucking dumbshits. You know what's too much? How you're allowed to exist. If you find one of these people, lay them down, put a vibrator in their mouth and hammer it all the way through, American History X style. On a similar note, I'm proud to say that I'm gonna be Straight Dave for Halloween and may or may not go commando. Believe it.
Maybe it's just me but I have a strong feeling the mom from Family Circus is probably fucking insane in the sack. I'd grab some dark chocolate and draw some of those black lines her fat ass son makes while running and lead them to the tip of my shaft...she knows what I'm talking about.
I went to a screening of 500 Days of Summer with this little psychologically problematic chick and were lucky enough to have empty seats for almost the entire time we waited until a preggo woman wolf pack came in and sat in front of us and talked about how fat they were or something. Then one of them had the nerve to get up during the movie because she didn't feel good. This then sparked another one of my great ideas. You ready for it? A VIP only movie theater! I know what you're thinking, and yes, you can come. It'll be awesome because we'll exclude all the people we don't want! Pretty much everyone will be a VIP as long as the following filter doesn't apply to you:
Holy shit nuggets I haven't been on here in waaaaaaay too long. I've been busy and shit, like always, doing illegal and unethical things that I'll never regret because guilt and regret are for the pussies who read shitty romantic books like Twilight and think Crash is a good movie...and I say fuck 'em all. Remember kids, if you didn't agree with anything I said, this is The Greater TRUTH, not The Mildly Awesome Opinion, respect it. Aside from sex, drugs and video games I've also been putting together my new desktop, which is where I'm finally updating this little passion of mine on. In case you're wondering about how chaotic my life is, it's because I live my life by only three rules that will be explained at the end of this update:
1) They not ready
2) Motherfuckers need to know
3) Get yo' shit
Before I really REALLY begin, I'd like to point you to my first post...hard to believe it's been more than a year already. I've gone through so much crazy shit since I began, from updating twice a week to updating once every other month and probably doing much more in between each update. With work one day, and drugs and beer on the other I've been needing some time to sit down and hammer out some bullshit. Expect some quicker updates, maybe a bit shorter but the same content none of you want none-the-less. Oh, and before forget, some interesting little notes might be coming down the pike (kike?) very soon.
Lately I've been having some commitment problems. No, I don't mean the relationships ones because those are easy (Don't). I'm talking about real commitment, sticking with your decisions and not second guessing yourself, even if you're wrong...hell, ESPECIALLY if you're wrong. For instance, I was driving to work and before I knew it I was accidentally in the turning lane, despite being in the turning lane 3 streets too early. Most people would just turn and then double back or find a back way, but not me, I waited for the light to turn green and then held up the turning line until I could get into the left-hand lane and go straight, and you know what? No regrets on this side of the mind-grapes.
I watched My Sister's Keeper and took one great thing away from it: Cancer sex is disgusting and unappealing. Seriously, if you have cancer and you're bald and shit, don't have sex. Besides, you don't know what else is defective in your body that you could pass on. Don't be a douche and just masturbate to wigs or pictures of people who don't have cancer or whatever ya'll do. If you REALLY feel the need to have sex, do it with someone else who's about to be even more worthless dead than alive and make sure you do it in a dark room. When I say dark room I don't mean a room with a red light where you can take pictures and develop them, (that's unsafe and can give you a terminal disease, ha!) I mean go the cube-shaped equivalent of a black hole. You may think it's a good idea to see the person you're with but if ya'll had perfectly functioning eyes and could see like normal people do, you'd realize it isn't.
I also saw Bruno and manged to cry three times from laughing. That film was a social revolution and the only thing that pissed me off was the complaints from the cock-nuggets that said, and I quote, that "It was too gay." They're saying this about the guy who had a bare naked fight with a fat guy 3 years ago? Fucking dumbshits. You know what's too much? How you're allowed to exist. If you find one of these people, lay them down, put a vibrator in their mouth and hammer it all the way through, American History X style. On a similar note, I'm proud to say that I'm gonna be Straight Dave for Halloween and may or may not go commando. Believe it.
Maybe it's just me but I have a strong feeling the mom from Family Circus is probably fucking insane in the sack. I'd grab some dark chocolate and draw some of those black lines her fat ass son makes while running and lead them to the tip of my shaft...she knows what I'm talking about.
I went to a screening of 500 Days of Summer with this little psychologically problematic chick and were lucky enough to have empty seats for almost the entire time we waited until a preggo woman wolf pack came in and sat in front of us and talked about how fat they were or something. Then one of them had the nerve to get up during the movie because she didn't feel good. This then sparked another one of my great ideas. You ready for it? A VIP only movie theater! I know what you're thinking, and yes, you can come. It'll be awesome because we'll exclude all the people we don't want! Pretty much everyone will be a VIP as long as the following filter doesn't apply to you:
- You're under 18
- You're pregnant
- You're less than a 5
- You're blind
- You have children with you
- You have cancer
- You have any kind of STD
- You small bad
- You drive a Hummer
- You have "bling"
- You have more than 1 visible tattoo
- You don't have 2 working legs
Ok, the last one may be a little out of line but I've actually thought of yet another great idea just for cripples! A handicap-only movie theater. I'll put it near a hospital and aside from providing an even more selective theater, it's a great way to get money from the cripples we all hate so much. This theater will be smaller and cheaper because we'll have saved the money we would've spent on seats! That's right, you bring your own (wheel)chair and you can park that mofo anywhere you like! That's the kind of theater I hope to one day run.
Word of Advice: Don't have a one-night stand with elephants...they never forget.
I was making fun of World of Worldcraft the other day because, well, it deserves it and was called out by someone who looked like the dumbshit teenager who works at all the fast food places on The Simpsons. At first I didn't hear him because I've trained myself to ignore who don't matter even to their parents so it took me a second to realize what he was saying. He said I didn't play WoW because my computer couldn't handle it or something like that. Despite this being extremely nerdy, I made sure everyone was listening and replied with "I don't play Wow because I know how vaginas taste..." If I could care enough to remember who it was, they could confirm that those were my exact words as I turned back around and continued to make fun of a game with the most even virgin-to-loser ratio since Dungeons & Dragons (2:1).
I also recently began summer school with the most horrible 8am biology II class possible. Taught by prof. gingery-impotence who brags about how many bird species he can name from a single glance and filled with the most mediocre and pathetic class since my Micro/Macro Economics classes last year. This guy's lectures are so boring he actually managed to make sex sound like a work-related obligation that you lose money for every time. No one should ever talk about sex and mention ovaries or semen production unless you work at a fertility clinic.
Speaking of fertility clinics, you should take the hint that the universe obviously doesn't want more of you around...stop fucking with it or your children will get cancer, be crippled AND be ugly...so basically be a cross between carlos mencia and Patrick Swayze.
As if taking away the fun from pussy pounding wasn't enough, he also decided to separate (Read: segregate) us into groups in accordance to our personality colors. I wish I was joking but not only was he serious about it, he wouldn't let us come into the lab portion of the class without it filled out completely. I was a 34 Green and a 32 Orange...Green being the smart, pretentious people and Orange being the energetic, partying people. I had less than 14 on the pussy colors where they're sensitive or anal, and not in the good way. Since the Orange table was filling up, he put me with the greens which consisted of 3 guys who smelled like week-old BO, a guy with a nose ring and a skull tattoo, a fat guy with a full beard, baseball cap and pink buttown-down shirt and a kid who has only said one sentence the entire 3 weeks I've been in it, and it was a comment about how heroin is produced... If I wasn't so damn skinny I would've committed murder...a lot. Now I have to endure the nerds who probably all own a Wow account for 3 more weeks while everyone else enjoys each other's company. On top of being with a shit table, all the girls are ugly so it's not like I can turn around and check out some T&A because all we've got are ugly Desi chicks, a 30-something white-trash alcoholic, 4 girls manlier than my rugby friend and a plethora of 3s and 4s for all the world to avoid.
Word of Advice: Don't have a one-night stand with elephants...they never forget.
I was making fun of World of Worldcraft the other day because, well, it deserves it and was called out by someone who looked like the dumbshit teenager who works at all the fast food places on The Simpsons. At first I didn't hear him because I've trained myself to ignore who don't matter even to their parents so it took me a second to realize what he was saying. He said I didn't play WoW because my computer couldn't handle it or something like that. Despite this being extremely nerdy, I made sure everyone was listening and replied with "I don't play Wow because I know how vaginas taste..." If I could care enough to remember who it was, they could confirm that those were my exact words as I turned back around and continued to make fun of a game with the most even virgin-to-loser ratio since Dungeons & Dragons (2:1).
I also recently began summer school with the most horrible 8am biology II class possible. Taught by prof. gingery-impotence who brags about how many bird species he can name from a single glance and filled with the most mediocre and pathetic class since my Micro/Macro Economics classes last year. This guy's lectures are so boring he actually managed to make sex sound like a work-related obligation that you lose money for every time. No one should ever talk about sex and mention ovaries or semen production unless you work at a fertility clinic.
Speaking of fertility clinics, you should take the hint that the universe obviously doesn't want more of you around...stop fucking with it or your children will get cancer, be crippled AND be ugly...so basically be a cross between carlos mencia and Patrick Swayze.
As if taking away the fun from pussy pounding wasn't enough, he also decided to separate (Read: segregate) us into groups in accordance to our personality colors. I wish I was joking but not only was he serious about it, he wouldn't let us come into the lab portion of the class without it filled out completely. I was a 34 Green and a 32 Orange...Green being the smart, pretentious people and Orange being the energetic, partying people. I had less than 14 on the pussy colors where they're sensitive or anal, and not in the good way. Since the Orange table was filling up, he put me with the greens which consisted of 3 guys who smelled like week-old BO, a guy with a nose ring and a skull tattoo, a fat guy with a full beard, baseball cap and pink buttown-down shirt and a kid who has only said one sentence the entire 3 weeks I've been in it, and it was a comment about how heroin is produced... If I wasn't so damn skinny I would've committed murder...a lot. Now I have to endure the nerds who probably all own a Wow account for 3 more weeks while everyone else enjoys each other's company. On top of being with a shit table, all the girls are ugly so it's not like I can turn around and check out some T&A because all we've got are ugly Desi chicks, a 30-something white-trash alcoholic, 4 girls manlier than my rugby friend and a plethora of 3s and 4s for all the world to avoid.
Bucket List as of 6/17/09
- Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
- Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
- Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
- Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.
- Lightly hit a girl on her nose with my penis...and then have her sneeze, followed by laughter on both sides.
- Wear a condom for an entire day and then use it later that night and surprise the girl with my amazing level of preparation.
My teacher was talking about how Sea Sponges were all hermaphrodites and asked us what ability they have. I replied that they have "the ability to make us all extremely uncomfortable", a joke only this high kid laughed at and understood...fucking assholes. Even strangers laugh when I tell them that story, but that class gave me nothing.
That's about it for now, but in lieu of a film about stand up comedy coming out, the fantastic looking Funny People, I'll leave you with someone you're gonna love:
That's about it for now, but in lieu of a film about stand up comedy coming out, the fantastic looking Funny People, I'll leave you with someone you're gonna love:
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Day 65
Why do some people insist on getting in the way of true love?Line of the Week: You could rape me, lol -My stalker
Did you know that wood cutting and circumcisions are basically the same thing? It's cutting something long and hard to make it more accessible for everyone.
On that note, I'd like to apologize for the lack of updates with a list of excuses of why the lack of update:
Did you know that wood cutting and circumcisions are basically the same thing? It's cutting something long and hard to make it more accessible for everyone.
On that note, I'd like to apologize for the lack of updates with a list of excuses of why the lack of update:
- My hand hurt, like a bunch of times.
- People are boring.
- My jaw feels weird.
- I went to Mexico for three days.
- I've been working and stuff.
- Drugs and Alcohol are my most important vices.
- I bought some foreign films.
- I'm too popular and people don't leave me alone to hang out with them.
- I can't turn down horny chicks.
- I refuse to do a 3 paragraph update.
- My laptop is messing up
Worry not though, because next week I will be building myself a new desktop and all will be well. I'll probably be on the computer a lot more and will finally get a chance to get more writing done.
Lately I've been wanting to do some kinky stuff like go to the house of the guy who owns every mustard ever made and replace each bottle with that yellow ketchup they've invented for kids...I don't know if people can die from sadness, but I'm sure willing to try!
I watched Star Trek a few times and REALLY liked it, but it felt really familiar. Most of the beginning is the introduction to the characters, but after a planet implodes, shit just hits the fan. At one point, Kirk gets marooned on Hoth to talk to Yoda because Degobah was just destroyed, so they talk to Obi Wan and he gets him on his way. Oh, and at some point they're meeting up with the Rebel Alliance, only to find out that it was a trap...such fools! If only Admiral Ackbar was there to warn them...
I may have mentioned something about my stalker before, but this time, it's serious...ly awesome! I was getting off work when I got the usual text from her asking what I was up to. I was about to go do a bunch of homework for my last week of classes before finals so I sent "About to go rape my homework three different ways, you?" Where most chicks would send an acknowledgement and stop messaging me, she promptly replied with "You could rape me, lol." Yes, this is 100% true and this is my life. Some of you already may know this story because I've been telling everyone to now call me "The Consensual Rapist." I think it has a nice ring to it, and it fits me and a couple coworkers' motto "It's not sex if there's no tears."
Here's a less-than-mediocre survey someone made on/for Facebook and despite it not being as funny as the one I did when I first started this site, I already filled it out and I'm not going to throw away any more minutes of my life. It's a "Have you ever..." type of survey so read it accordingly:
Kissed any one of your facebook friends? Yes, some I even kissed with my penis!
Been arrested? No, I don't get caught.
Solicited sex? Not yet.
Been solicited by another? Yes.
Kissed someone you didn't like? She had big tits.
Slept in until 5 PM? No, I do shit with my life.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Held a snake? No
Ran a red light? No
Been suspended from school? No
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? No, and who the hell says "motorbike?" I've never heard anyone say "motorbike" and continued to listen to them.
Been fired from a job? Again, I don't get caught.
Sang karaoke? Yes, Afroman - Because I Got High...
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? No, the only obstacle in my life is physics and rape and murder being illegal.
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? No, my body does what I tell it to do, WHEN I tell it to.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Who cares.
Kissed in the rain? This is stupid.
Played strip poker? I'm amazed I've gotten this far.
Flown on a plane? Yes
Been on a cruise? I bet the person who made this survey thinks I Love Lucy caused the current destruction of morality in society....
Have any regrets in life? Hahahaha......no, I shine like gold, mofo.
Sang in the shower? Among many other things, Yes.
Sat on a rooftop? Please rephrase the question, I'm not sure what it means.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? Again, I have no clue what this means.
Broken a bone? No
Cracked a bone? That's practically the same goddamn thing as the last one.
Shaved your head? No, I have a big penis, I don't need to compensate.
Blacked out from drinking? Oh. My. God. Yes...Russian chicks are fucking awesome.
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Haha, talk about a loaded question.
Made your girlfriend cry? Not unless she deserved it.
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Fuck you, you racist.
Been in a band? No.
Shot a gun? Yes...oh, wait, just shot it at no one? No.
Tripped on mushrooms? Not yet.
Donated Blood? I've yet to find someone, aside from Jane Seymour and Maureen Dowd, that meets the specifications required for me to give them life.
Eaten alligator meat? Only if that's what Chicken McNuggets are made of...mmmmmm.
Eaten kangaroo meat? Who the fuck thought this would be a good question?
Eaten cheesecake? Yes
Still love someone you shouldn't? This actually managed to be worse than the cracked/broken bones one. I really hope the creator of this survey is in a hospital ER that has run out of morphine...
As you know, I work at Studio Movie Grill and had to move chairs from one theater to another because we're too cheap to get new chairs when another one of my great ideas hit me in my mind-grapes like my great ideas tend to do: I should open up a handicapped-only movie theater, that way, I would cut down maintenance and production costs by never having to install any seats! Everyone would be in their own wheelchair and if you only had like a cast, you'd be required to bring your own chair. But you'd have to be separate from the REAL cripples...I think I could be the first business owner to establish handicapped segregation and would probably get a trophy or a fancy medal for doing so.
My sister recently graduated high school and because I couldn't get out of attending, I decided to spread my discontent through the magic of Twitter. Here's all the entries I sent and around what time I sent them...as you can guess, they were very popular on Facebook:
3:23 - The band began practicing the Indiana Jones theme song and a girl below me turned to her family in disgust and said: Ugh, it's Star Wars...
3:29 - Note to Future Wife: If you chew gum with your mouth open, I WILL break your jaw...but know that it's only because I love you.
3:46 - Not too bad so far, really loving the amount of MILFs I'm seeing...and yes, that includes some of the teachers...
3:51 - Some ROTC kids were introduced to remember their classmates...apparently some students died doing geometry homework or something.
3:57 - The valedictorian asked all to pray & 3 different babies began crying...proof that even in our uncorrupted youth, we know something's up...
4:05 - Note to Possible Future Daughter: Chew gum during graduation and your college money is going to buy me my own Great American Cookie store...
4:11 - Haha, the Asian kids have the least amount of cheers because Chinese people are so quiet...if only they had a cheer app on their iPhones...
4:14 - Awww, black kids get the loudest cheers because most of them don't graduate...so sad...
4:20 - Despite those long robes doing their best, you can still notice the ugly truth of childhood obesity...for shame...
4:35 - I really want two kids to have the same exact name and have their families cheer for the wrong kid, haha.
4:39 - Some kid had the last name, Mistry, and it sounded JUST like Mystery, which would be a fucking badass last name!!
4:54 - While most people Twitter movies, E3 or special events, I do high school graduations For The epic Wolf...I'm the news anchor of mediocrity!
5:19 - In conclusion, graduations are a melting pot for people from all over the world with too much makeup and attitude.
Maybe it's just me but I love how peeing in the shower is one of those rare and beautiful moments in life where you feel both clean and dirty at the same time...so magical...
I've been thinking about it a lot and I genuinely can't decide who I despise more, fat people or people who baby-talk to babies. For your information, your kids are mediocre because you made dolphin sounds to them until they were five. Parents are fucking stupid.
Like I stated earlier, I went to Monterrey where not much happened except getting three wisdom teeth removed...yeah, it fucking sucked. You know what's worse though? I couldn't eat solids and wasn't allowed to lift anything or stay up late...like a baby or elderly person, although in my case it's probably an insane elderly person with a severe case of senility. The only good thing that came out of the trip, aside from the drugs, was the time I had to myself to think those crazy thoughts that make everyone laugh.
I pulled an all-nighter the day before we left so I would sleep while everyone else drove, and only woke up to eat Burger King. One thing I noticed about eating on road trips is how unhappy everyone is while they're eating. A car full of people my age drove by eating Whatburger and as every single one of them had their mouths full of cholesterol and fat, they simply looked off into the distance with the most depressed and self-loathing looks possible...a look that only Karen Carpenter would understand.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno is only now hitting theaters in Mexico under the title Let's Make a Porno, and the fantastic tagline: We should all make one... Gotta love translations.
The surgeries weren't too bad except the first and third one, where the dentist used twelve, that's right, twelve different tools to take out one tooth. It was absolutely insane. Milk - 1, Contemporary Medicine - 0. Similarly, but not, I never realized how awesome it felt to spit up blood. Immediately after my surgery I kept on hoping someone would walk in the office looking for a fight so I could spit out some blood and say "So you're the next guy? eh, alright."
I also learned that I hate dubbed movies more than anything else in the world, and that's including girls who don't swallow or people who think barbed-wire tattoos are hardcore. I highly recommend you burn the next person you see watching one.
Due to the fact that I was in minor pain, which I hate, the entire I weekend, I figured it would be as good a time as any other to start a bucket list. Now, I only have a few entries so far, but believe you me(I don't know what that means either), I'll be working on it.
Lately I've been wanting to do some kinky stuff like go to the house of the guy who owns every mustard ever made and replace each bottle with that yellow ketchup they've invented for kids...I don't know if people can die from sadness, but I'm sure willing to try!
I watched Star Trek a few times and REALLY liked it, but it felt really familiar. Most of the beginning is the introduction to the characters, but after a planet implodes, shit just hits the fan. At one point, Kirk gets marooned on Hoth to talk to Yoda because Degobah was just destroyed, so they talk to Obi Wan and he gets him on his way. Oh, and at some point they're meeting up with the Rebel Alliance, only to find out that it was a trap...such fools! If only Admiral Ackbar was there to warn them...
I may have mentioned something about my stalker before, but this time, it's serious...ly awesome! I was getting off work when I got the usual text from her asking what I was up to. I was about to go do a bunch of homework for my last week of classes before finals so I sent "About to go rape my homework three different ways, you?" Where most chicks would send an acknowledgement and stop messaging me, she promptly replied with "You could rape me, lol." Yes, this is 100% true and this is my life. Some of you already may know this story because I've been telling everyone to now call me "The Consensual Rapist." I think it has a nice ring to it, and it fits me and a couple coworkers' motto "It's not sex if there's no tears."
Here's a less-than-mediocre survey someone made on/for Facebook and despite it not being as funny as the one I did when I first started this site, I already filled it out and I'm not going to throw away any more minutes of my life. It's a "Have you ever..." type of survey so read it accordingly:
Kissed any one of your facebook friends? Yes, some I even kissed with my penis!
Been arrested? No, I don't get caught.
Solicited sex? Not yet.
Been solicited by another? Yes.
Kissed someone you didn't like? She had big tits.
Slept in until 5 PM? No, I do shit with my life.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Held a snake? No
Ran a red light? No
Been suspended from school? No
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? No, and who the hell says "motorbike?" I've never heard anyone say "motorbike" and continued to listen to them.
Been fired from a job? Again, I don't get caught.
Sang karaoke? Yes, Afroman - Because I Got High...
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? No, the only obstacle in my life is physics and rape and murder being illegal.
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? No, my body does what I tell it to do, WHEN I tell it to.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Who cares.
Kissed in the rain? This is stupid.
Played strip poker? I'm amazed I've gotten this far.
Flown on a plane? Yes
Been on a cruise? I bet the person who made this survey thinks I Love Lucy caused the current destruction of morality in society....
Have any regrets in life? Hahahaha......no, I shine like gold, mofo.
Sang in the shower? Among many other things, Yes.
Sat on a rooftop? Please rephrase the question, I'm not sure what it means.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? Again, I have no clue what this means.
Broken a bone? No
Cracked a bone? That's practically the same goddamn thing as the last one.
Shaved your head? No, I have a big penis, I don't need to compensate.
Blacked out from drinking? Oh. My. God. Yes...Russian chicks are fucking awesome.
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Haha, talk about a loaded question.
Made your girlfriend cry? Not unless she deserved it.
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Fuck you, you racist.
Been in a band? No.
Shot a gun? Yes...oh, wait, just shot it at no one? No.
Tripped on mushrooms? Not yet.
Donated Blood? I've yet to find someone, aside from Jane Seymour and Maureen Dowd, that meets the specifications required for me to give them life.
Eaten alligator meat? Only if that's what Chicken McNuggets are made of...mmmmmm.
Eaten kangaroo meat? Who the fuck thought this would be a good question?
Eaten cheesecake? Yes
Still love someone you shouldn't? This actually managed to be worse than the cracked/broken bones one. I really hope the creator of this survey is in a hospital ER that has run out of morphine...
As you know, I work at Studio Movie Grill and had to move chairs from one theater to another because we're too cheap to get new chairs when another one of my great ideas hit me in my mind-grapes like my great ideas tend to do: I should open up a handicapped-only movie theater, that way, I would cut down maintenance and production costs by never having to install any seats! Everyone would be in their own wheelchair and if you only had like a cast, you'd be required to bring your own chair. But you'd have to be separate from the REAL cripples...I think I could be the first business owner to establish handicapped segregation and would probably get a trophy or a fancy medal for doing so.
My sister recently graduated high school and because I couldn't get out of attending, I decided to spread my discontent through the magic of Twitter. Here's all the entries I sent and around what time I sent them...as you can guess, they were very popular on Facebook:
3:23 - The band began practicing the Indiana Jones theme song and a girl below me turned to her family in disgust and said: Ugh, it's Star Wars...
3:29 - Note to Future Wife: If you chew gum with your mouth open, I WILL break your jaw...but know that it's only because I love you.
3:46 - Not too bad so far, really loving the amount of MILFs I'm seeing...and yes, that includes some of the teachers...
3:51 - Some ROTC kids were introduced to remember their classmates...apparently some students died doing geometry homework or something.
3:57 - The valedictorian asked all to pray & 3 different babies began crying...proof that even in our uncorrupted youth, we know something's up...
4:05 - Note to Possible Future Daughter: Chew gum during graduation and your college money is going to buy me my own Great American Cookie store...
4:11 - Haha, the Asian kids have the least amount of cheers because Chinese people are so quiet...if only they had a cheer app on their iPhones...
4:14 - Awww, black kids get the loudest cheers because most of them don't graduate...so sad...
4:20 - Despite those long robes doing their best, you can still notice the ugly truth of childhood obesity...for shame...
4:35 - I really want two kids to have the same exact name and have their families cheer for the wrong kid, haha.
4:39 - Some kid had the last name, Mistry, and it sounded JUST like Mystery, which would be a fucking badass last name!!
4:54 - While most people Twitter movies, E3 or special events, I do high school graduations For The epic Wolf...I'm the news anchor of mediocrity!
5:19 - In conclusion, graduations are a melting pot for people from all over the world with too much makeup and attitude.
Maybe it's just me but I love how peeing in the shower is one of those rare and beautiful moments in life where you feel both clean and dirty at the same time...so magical...
I've been thinking about it a lot and I genuinely can't decide who I despise more, fat people or people who baby-talk to babies. For your information, your kids are mediocre because you made dolphin sounds to them until they were five. Parents are fucking stupid.
Like I stated earlier, I went to Monterrey where not much happened except getting three wisdom teeth removed...yeah, it fucking sucked. You know what's worse though? I couldn't eat solids and wasn't allowed to lift anything or stay up late...like a baby or elderly person, although in my case it's probably an insane elderly person with a severe case of senility. The only good thing that came out of the trip, aside from the drugs, was the time I had to myself to think those crazy thoughts that make everyone laugh.
I pulled an all-nighter the day before we left so I would sleep while everyone else drove, and only woke up to eat Burger King. One thing I noticed about eating on road trips is how unhappy everyone is while they're eating. A car full of people my age drove by eating Whatburger and as every single one of them had their mouths full of cholesterol and fat, they simply looked off into the distance with the most depressed and self-loathing looks possible...a look that only Karen Carpenter would understand.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno is only now hitting theaters in Mexico under the title Let's Make a Porno, and the fantastic tagline: We should all make one... Gotta love translations.
The surgeries weren't too bad except the first and third one, where the dentist used twelve, that's right, twelve different tools to take out one tooth. It was absolutely insane. Milk - 1, Contemporary Medicine - 0. Similarly, but not, I never realized how awesome it felt to spit up blood. Immediately after my surgery I kept on hoping someone would walk in the office looking for a fight so I could spit out some blood and say "So you're the next guy? eh, alright."
I also learned that I hate dubbed movies more than anything else in the world, and that's including girls who don't swallow or people who think barbed-wire tattoos are hardcore. I highly recommend you burn the next person you see watching one.
Due to the fact that I was in minor pain, which I hate, the entire I weekend, I figured it would be as good a time as any other to start a bucket list. Now, I only have a few entries so far, but believe you me(I don't know what that means either), I'll be working on it.
Bucket List as of 6/17/09
- Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
- Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
- Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
- Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.
That's it for now, until next time, may your women be loose and tight at the same time. I'll leave you with the best life coach money can buy:
It doesn’t fit in a Rolodex because it doesn’t belong in a Rolodex!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Day 64
This poster was made by god...straight up.Line of the Week (Months?): Let's go see some naked daughters and moms!! -Liz Lemon on going to a strip club
Before I begin, I have to apologize again because I told you during my last update that I would be coming back and then I went and didn't post for over a month, my bad, my blunder...I'm such a fucking asshole. My last final is tomorrow and after that I'll be free to post and post and post. Also, my social life has been picking up so I'm now I've been given more chances to drink from the volcano and some more interesting topics should start popping up.
When I was on my way to the Up screening, I turned into the theater's parking garage and was stopped by an ambulance and a pair of cop cars and like a dozen other men in uniform all huddled around something. As I was motioned to turn back and take the rear entrance (That's what she said), I noticed that they were standing around a dead body...and one with it's show several feet away no less. I then followed the gaze of some of the cops to the top of the parking garage where other cops were standing...that's right, this shoe-less mofo jumped off the building probably less than half an hour before I arrived. Just my luck, eh? Because of some selfish, now dead, douche bag, I had to turn around, get stuck in traffic for another ten minutes and then was forced to park on the second floor, ugh.
If there's anything more annoying than a suicidal person, and believe me they're annoying, it's a selfish suicidal person. He could have killed himself with a building that didn't have car coming in and out so often or just do what everyone else does and take a shitload of pills, but no, not this guy. This one had to be a selfish fucker and kill himself in front of a fucking parking garage entrance...I hope his family and friends are left in debt because of him.
I would like to state that old people are not allowed to complain about where they're going and/or sitting if they can't walk without assistance. That is all.
I've been watching a lot of fat people lately because, well, they're kinda hard to miss, both literally and figuratively. It's interesting how there are only two kinds of fat people, although I have yet to determine the level of weight that distinguishes one from the other. Some of them, usually the regular fat people, you know, those that smuggle tires under their skin and always smell really bad, are always happy no matter what happens. They're just the nicest and most ecstatic people ever and you just want to hug them...you know, if it was possible. Then there are the really fat people, the ones that swing their arms to get their feet in front of them, sometimes use scooters and often complain about how far they have to walk to the theater (Where they'll sit down and eat for the next TWO FUCKING HOURS), who are always angry. They hate the food, the movie, the server and especially their chair. Well I'm sorry that my theater's chair is only designed to fit one human being, not the equivalent of three pigs, one cow and a rhinoceros.
Then they begin to complain about everything and the thing is, for being such big...things or whatever, they have really high-pitched voices that, when mixed with their large bodies, literally make them sound like the Dory from Finding Nemo. Once they're done complaining and finally take the 40min walk back to their cars in the Handicapped spot, and drive away. This is where the real fun begins, psychologically speaking that is. You see, these Fatty McFattisons are the assholes in minivans that are so weighed down they look like they just came out of a Mexican chop shop are the ones driving 20mph above the speed limit. It took me a little bit to figure out why they did so, but I eventually understood. These people are used to walking so slow it's like they're standing still but vibrating towards their destinations, causing them to drive fast with the windows down and feel the speed (Like running for normal people). So next time you see a fat person speeding, make sure you wave to them and let them know that you know how fat they are and feel.
I almost broke my penis when I rolled over my morning wood last week...scary!
I was at Studio Movie Grill last week and I'm pretty sure Matthew Perry was cast in 17 Again to remind the public how much of a fat, annoying and talentless individual he is...in other news, Zac Efron is no longer a douche. Partly because he kisses a MILF and partly because he can actually act, enough said.
A girl I know is doing cocaine because her friend began smoking weed again...
...yes, you read that right. To be honest, I'm not friends with her because of her intelligence or personality, or lack-thereof (did anyone NOT see that line coming?). I mean, I get that most girls are obviously less intelligent than men because their brains are smaller (Scientific fact), but she has got to be almost borderline retarded. Normally I'd shut up and stick my penis in her but some bitch this mentally incapacitated CANNOT possibly make good life decisions...who knows what she's got inside of her.
I don't know what I find more annoying, a fat person complaining about how far they have to walk or a fat person opting to get diet coke at Jack in the Box but putting forth the extra 40 cents for curly fries...
Apparently, Oprah bought all of America dinner, except for me, recently. Did she buy everyone some pizza? Maybe some delicious burgers or healthy sandwhiches? No. KFC. In case you're wondering, the coincidence was not lost on me. Here is a woman who's fought her entire life to disprove all black stereotypes that could be put on her and then she goes and buys America food from a place where blacks congregate? For shame...
While we're on the topic of congregation areas for blacks, the economy is actually managing to make all black people worse at defying their stereotypes. Take this little story for example:
Before I begin, I have to apologize again because I told you during my last update that I would be coming back and then I went and didn't post for over a month, my bad, my blunder...I'm such a fucking asshole. My last final is tomorrow and after that I'll be free to post and post and post. Also, my social life has been picking up so I'm now I've been given more chances to drink from the volcano and some more interesting topics should start popping up.
When I was on my way to the Up screening, I turned into the theater's parking garage and was stopped by an ambulance and a pair of cop cars and like a dozen other men in uniform all huddled around something. As I was motioned to turn back and take the rear entrance (That's what she said), I noticed that they were standing around a dead body...and one with it's show several feet away no less. I then followed the gaze of some of the cops to the top of the parking garage where other cops were standing...that's right, this shoe-less mofo jumped off the building probably less than half an hour before I arrived. Just my luck, eh? Because of some selfish, now dead, douche bag, I had to turn around, get stuck in traffic for another ten minutes and then was forced to park on the second floor, ugh.
If there's anything more annoying than a suicidal person, and believe me they're annoying, it's a selfish suicidal person. He could have killed himself with a building that didn't have car coming in and out so often or just do what everyone else does and take a shitload of pills, but no, not this guy. This one had to be a selfish fucker and kill himself in front of a fucking parking garage entrance...I hope his family and friends are left in debt because of him.
I would like to state that old people are not allowed to complain about where they're going and/or sitting if they can't walk without assistance. That is all.
I've been watching a lot of fat people lately because, well, they're kinda hard to miss, both literally and figuratively. It's interesting how there are only two kinds of fat people, although I have yet to determine the level of weight that distinguishes one from the other. Some of them, usually the regular fat people, you know, those that smuggle tires under their skin and always smell really bad, are always happy no matter what happens. They're just the nicest and most ecstatic people ever and you just want to hug them...you know, if it was possible. Then there are the really fat people, the ones that swing their arms to get their feet in front of them, sometimes use scooters and often complain about how far they have to walk to the theater (Where they'll sit down and eat for the next TWO FUCKING HOURS), who are always angry. They hate the food, the movie, the server and especially their chair. Well I'm sorry that my theater's chair is only designed to fit one human being, not the equivalent of three pigs, one cow and a rhinoceros.
Then they begin to complain about everything and the thing is, for being such big...things or whatever, they have really high-pitched voices that, when mixed with their large bodies, literally make them sound like the Dory from Finding Nemo. Once they're done complaining and finally take the 40min walk back to their cars in the Handicapped spot, and drive away. This is where the real fun begins, psychologically speaking that is. You see, these Fatty McFattisons are the assholes in minivans that are so weighed down they look like they just came out of a Mexican chop shop are the ones driving 20mph above the speed limit. It took me a little bit to figure out why they did so, but I eventually understood. These people are used to walking so slow it's like they're standing still but vibrating towards their destinations, causing them to drive fast with the windows down and feel the speed (Like running for normal people). So next time you see a fat person speeding, make sure you wave to them and let them know that you know how fat they are and feel.
I almost broke my penis when I rolled over my morning wood last week...scary!
I was at Studio Movie Grill last week and I'm pretty sure Matthew Perry was cast in 17 Again to remind the public how much of a fat, annoying and talentless individual he is...in other news, Zac Efron is no longer a douche. Partly because he kisses a MILF and partly because he can actually act, enough said.
A girl I know is doing cocaine because her friend began smoking weed again...
...yes, you read that right. To be honest, I'm not friends with her because of her intelligence or personality, or lack-thereof (did anyone NOT see that line coming?). I mean, I get that most girls are obviously less intelligent than men because their brains are smaller (Scientific fact), but she has got to be almost borderline retarded. Normally I'd shut up and stick my penis in her but some bitch this mentally incapacitated CANNOT possibly make good life decisions...who knows what she's got inside of her.
I don't know what I find more annoying, a fat person complaining about how far they have to walk or a fat person opting to get diet coke at Jack in the Box but putting forth the extra 40 cents for curly fries...
Apparently, Oprah bought all of America dinner, except for me, recently. Did she buy everyone some pizza? Maybe some delicious burgers or healthy sandwhiches? No. KFC. In case you're wondering, the coincidence was not lost on me. Here is a woman who's fought her entire life to disprove all black stereotypes that could be put on her and then she goes and buys America food from a place where blacks congregate? For shame...
While we're on the topic of congregation areas for blacks, the economy is actually managing to make all black people worse at defying their stereotypes. Take this little story for example:
Like I said, school's over and I'll be working and going out, so adventures and social disgust will be plentiful and provide ample material for this 'ol blog of mine. I'll leave you this time with...THIS!!
The Original
The Sequel
The Finale
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