Monday, January 5, 2009

Day 59

Never forget...(Great way to kick off '09)

Line of the Week(s):
I was gonna fist you... -Norm from Yes Man
But I prefer walking around checking out little asian girls...wait, fuck. -Me at work
She could eat me under a table -Kate Winslet on Letterman

Hey there everybody! I hope you enjoyed this fantastic three-week hiatus as much as I did. A lot has happened since my last update, Christmas, New Years, Winter Minimester, those things those inferior people call holidays like Kwanzaa and Hannuka, movie binging, hott chicks, black guys with two teeth and terrorism...oh, and I think someone died, but I'm not sure. Then again, who really knows when death actually happens?

Soon after my last update, I got into a discussion (One-sided argument where I was winning) with a friend of mine, who did not believe that the ICEE is the best liquid forged from the hands of man. The conversation went something like this, with me improvising most of my "facts":

Him: I dunno, it's just not that good...
Me: Are you kidding me? It's like watching Jane Seymour prepare perfection in a glass, then eating her out as you pour it into your mouth, letting that liquid freeze just enough until you can drink it with that big straw and adding just a dash of love...
Him: What the fuck? It's just alright, there's better drinks out there.
Me: Ok, what better liquid is there to have going down your throat?
Him: Umm...
Me: Exactly! Now, if you were a girl, you'd obviously say "Oh Homero, how about your warm cum as it fills my stomach, of course!" But since you're not, you wouldn't understand. Do you at least get what I'm trying to say about how amazing ICEEs really are?
Him: Who's Jane Seymour?

On an unrelated note, my birthday is in two months and I get really thirsty...

Christmas was rather uneventful, we basically made food at our house, drove 40min. to my grandmother's house, ate it there with everyone, opened a few presents and then drove back home. The major occurrence of the night was me being able to hear the ghost of Pancho Villa crying because we were eating real food instead of fucking tamales like every other Mexican family in the world. Also, everyone came around in a circle and said thanks for the year or something, which I found extremely weird. I mean, most people gave thanks during Thanksgiving. What crazy idea made my family think they'd be able to get their thanks in almost a full month after the deadline, I'll never know. At least I got some cash and took a nap after I ate.

I woke up early the next to day to watch the most beautiful looking movie of 2008, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and the worst film of 2008, The Spirit. The latter was so bad that by the end of the two hours, one-third of the theater had walked out and I was mass texting everyone telling them how horrible this movie really was. I then went to work and made sure every customer knew how fucking horrible that film really was.

Some time before or after the event in the last paragraph happened, I went to my aunt's graduation at Minute Maid Park. It used to be called Reliant I think, or maybe Enron, the point is orange soda is getting way too fucking powerful. Instead of using a real flag during the national anthem, they decided to use the scoreboard to produce a waving flag...seriously. It was the most patriotic LED display I had seen in years. Also, they were nice enough to have the lyrics play over the flag, you know, in case you moved to the US and graduated in less than a month and had never heard the national anthem before.

While sitting there, bored off my ass (what does that even mean?), I made patronizing conversations with the people around me and noticed a sign being held up by some other folks in another section. After reading it three times and asking my sister to read it out loud to me to make sure I read it right, I was sure that it read "Congrats Colors!!" I have no fucking clue what they were trying to say with that message, but it sounds to me like they are much more racist than myself...hell, they didn't even think any other race but their own could have the ability to graduate.

One day not immediately after or before the previous event, I was in my minimester class. The first day I had the honor of sitting between two annoying, loud, black girls who didn't stop talking on my left, and two annoying, loud, black girls who didn't stop talking on my right. I proceeded to think about the good old days when they had to sit in a different classroom and drink from different water fountains, but stopped when I realized I was getting a nostalgia erection.

In the same class, on a different day, a different seat and a different circumstance causing my erection, I found what you would call a terrorist. An Indian kid sitting in front and to the left of me was on his lappy, looking at videos of nuclear bomb testing and explosions on Google Video. Because he's dark brown and has a Slumdog Millionaire accent, I knew he wasn't a terrorist, but because we're in Texas, I knew that motherfucker was probably Obama Bin Laden's son. Even his name sounded fishy...Jason, I think it was...maybe Josh, or Jordan...probably not the latter, since that's more oriented towards tall white guys and black folk.

While I was in line to pay for something I was going to buy at Academy I noticed a little item called an "Ultra Thin Pedometer," which, as it turns out, is NOT a device that tells you how many times you've created a crime that would label you as a pedophile, designed for skinny people. Yeah, I was disappointed too.

I hope you all enjoyed this update, I'll make sure to keep up with this thing from now on, although I'm not sure if it'll continue to be updated Mondays. Until next week, remember: You can attempt something great and fail, or you can attempt nothing and wear comfortable pants.

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