Day 81...War.

He ran to it because he thought it was a big penis a giant left behind that no one was using.

It is funny because they are not intel - li - gent.

Looks like the blacks have got some 'splainin' to do to the Jews...all this time, Hitler was black.

LOTWs: I use the same razor for my pubes and face because I just don't give a fuck. -Random person

A corndog is just a hotdog with a delicious sweater - Some guy's chalkboard on ESPN

I haven't updated THIS in a while. I've been busy doing stuff or not doing stuff so I haven't really been taking note of too much. I'm sure I'll get back into the swing of things soon, or not, who knows, really? I've been too busy writing everything funny into stand up jokes that this barely gets any content. Then again, I've also been writing a lot of jokes that I know are never going to get any stage time because they're not funny enough or just long anecdotes. Like this one: I finally watched my first episode of Law and Order: SVU. Although it should DEFINITELY be retitled Rape Victims Unit. I saw an episode where a chick gets raped, lets call her Rape Victim 1. Halfway through the rape she beats the fucking shit out of the guy and calls an ambulance for him, which I found both badass and extremely amusing. Anyways, when he wakes up in the hospital, he tells the cops "Oh, she wanted me to rape her" which I figured was probably true, but since it's still illegal, I knew it was going to have to be special circumstances. As it turned out, she DID want it...well, not in so many words, at least. Apparently, someone created an account as her on a sexual fantasy site and got a guy to rape her...and that "someone" turned out to be her stalker ex-boyfriend...who was raped his ENTIRE childhood (Rape Victim 2). Two rape victims that used to date, who knew rape and love could be so close to eachother...oh wait, I did.

Later, the judge of the case tells a cop that his children were kidnapped as...well, kids, and he eventually found out that they had been raped and killed and buried, along with almost 20 other kids, in places known only to the pervert (Who was also raped, so Rape Victim 3). When the pervert was later caught, he gave a very detailed description of everything...except the location of the bodies. Slowly, and one-by-one, he gave up the information to every child's body except the judge's son. The cop, suggested by the judge because he knew of his aggressiveness, tortures RV3 until her gets the location...and it turns out there was no body!! Hahaha, oh man, the judge was sooooo sad he disappeared for a couple weeks until the cops busted in his house and find that he killed RV2's father!! Here's the twist, RV2's father was the pervert who took him from the judge!! Meaning.....that RV2 was almost sentenced to life in jail by his own father! Oh, and the chick from the beginning, RV1? She's never seen again. They pretty much told the most innocent and undeserving person in the story to fuck off. Even better though, would you like to know how the Law and Order: SVU writers explain all this at the end? They don't, the credits pop up and it leads into something just as fucking absurd...kinda like this.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of The Boondocks, in fact, I'm about to get started on the 2nd season, and I've managed to catch some of the new ones...like the newest episode. This show is greatly(!) hilarious and awesomely animated. In the latest one, however, it spawned a hatred of "Old Niggas" that always be hatin'. In keeping with the war-themed animations up there and the title of this entry (Brain Penetration?), I will now be declaring war on Old Niggas around the world! I will not stand for the death of Bushido Brown:

...or as he's known in real life: Black Dynamite!

Hey! The next time you're in high school and have the strongest desire to go to Mexico and help smuggle immigrants into the US...Don't.

I recently found out Mardi Gras was originally in October, but was moved to February once October became Breast Cancer month...yeah, apparently scars don't get you any extra beads. Besides, no guy wants to throw beads they spent their child-support money on at women with Tits: Version 1 and a half.

I wonder how often Yoga instructors are approached by students after a session and ask them where to get the best dro...

A customer asked me during Sex and the City 2 if I was single. When I said yes, she asked me if working that movie was like working at an amusement park. I replied "Not really, it's more like a buffet." Basically, the women come out in droves, with each even more disposable and wet than the last. Every time the "Australian rugby players" came on screen I could feel the humidity in the theater triple, it was certainly an experience.

You know, sometimes I get really nerdy, pull out a calculator and figure out random math problems like:

• If I were to get 67 cents every time I caught a homeless guy attempt to defecate on a cat, I'd be almost 23 dollars richer!!
• If a baby fetus is basically the same size as a quarter, then the "life" of a fetus is worth about 25 cents...but once you factor in the amount of money it actually costs to raise it, abortion becomes a financial necessity!

I've been doing some thinking and I'm pretty sure getting Down's Syndrome is the way to go in life. I mean, think about it, you're always happy. It's not like you know you have the syndrome because even if someone wanted to tell you, you're lacking in so many brain functions that you wouldn't be able to understand it anyway. Also, your life expectancy is pretty low and chances are you'll end up dying long before any real or devastating shit can happen to you. The best part of all? You never have to worry about what to wear on a date!!

I don't think enough people have said "I sure picked a hell of a day to quit picking my nose." I would quite like to hear it in a dramatic context.

I think a good prank would be to get a couple sticks of Big Red gum, cut it into little pieces, put them inside someone's eye drops, shake it up, take out any solid pieces and watch as hilarity ensues.

Hey look!!: Google Chrome is faster than lighting!

Oh, and here's Werner Herzog narrating Where's Waldo:

Day 80

Hahahahahahahaha...she's a fat.

LOTW: Anne Frank was some lame dork who probably would've survived the holocaust if she'd given it up to the person who knew where her and her family were hiding... -Me, right now.

You know what I just noticed? I titled all these entries as a different day, but at the beginning of each one I have something called the "Line of the Week" and I only update this twice a month...NOTHING IN THIS BLOG MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE!!

Don't you love how excited and happy kids get when they realize their birthday is coming up? Me neither.

Normally, I'd let the punchline, the article in this case, speak for itself...but that's not happening with something as absurd as that. Lets begin with the standard What. The. Fuck?! Aside from me, what kind of parent sees an advertisement for that guy and his "services" and then decides to PAY HIM MONEY TO DO IT?! Where's the logic? First of all, you're wasting money. Instead of paying some guy to annoy your kid for a week, what you SHOULD be spending that money on is your kid's present, like a new set of nunchucks or throwing knives or some other weapon that could potentially save him from being attacked by a real evil clown. If there's one thing all scientists agree on, it's that you don't fuck around with evil clowns unless you're armed and willing to fight...and yes, that means 5 out of 5 doctors agree, not even the pussy hold-out from every toothpaste commercial can take on an evil clown by himself. Also, when you really get down to trass-backs, you quickly realize that this is all just really fucking wrong. Let me get this straight: As a parent, you want to willingly pay money out of your own pocket to have some stranger who enjoys dressing up in socially unacceptable costumes and texting creepy things to kids, to harass and terrorize your offspring so they can be scared out of their mind on their birthday, most likely in front of all of their friends?...and people STILL think abortion is "mean"? NO. FUCKING. SENSE. My favorite part of the article comes from the evil clown justifying his "business" by claiming "...most kids absolutely love being scared senseless." No. They don't. Kids love yelling, going fast, sugar, video games and boobies. End of story.

I don't understand why alcohol is legal and weed isn't. Unlike alcohol, weed has never been attributed to a guy hitting his girlfriends...it just reminds him how insignificant she is...

I'm going to release my new innovention today under the name: Grinder Jeans. These new jeans will be available everywhere for bar/club patrons who want to bring flirting to a whole new level.

• Women will have Grinder Jeans that are thinner, yet tighter buttocks area so guys can immediately know whether they have a genuine ass in front of them or just some conveniently placed cellulite. Also included will be a zipper that closely resembles that of a Ziploc bag because I have too many Ziploc bags, which leads me to my patented "rip 'em N fix 'em" design that is extremely convenient for the horny and impatient drunk/pothead.
• Mens will be considerably different. One side of the inner thigh will be thinner so girls can know you mean business, and the other will actually be thicker to prevent from getting over-aroused and let the reveal come to the other side whenever YOU are ready to make the switch. Also, the middle crotch are will be made of very flexible material so less chafing and "riding up" occurs, while still having a comfortable fit and being able to easily move your package from one side to the other as needed. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, each pair of jeans will have a small, hidden pocket for holding a small pack of condoms.
  
• Kids models will look like regular jeans except they'll have velcro instead of a zipper because kids love velcro and the crotch area. They will also include pockets on the inside so they can carry Gameboys, slingshots, rubber bands, bouncy balls, candy and other things they can use to cause trouble.
• All jeans will come in sizes that can only be worn by people who aren't fat. If I wanted fat people to wear my jeans, I would have made those massive pants all the fat, soulless kids wore in middle school, but I don't, so I didn't.
  

I must now present to you, the advantages of having a Dueling Legal System over our current one:

Like most of you know, I work at Studio Movie Grill, which is what happens when the baby from a shitty restaurant and a shitty movie theater contracts herpes that is ALWAYS flaring up. Anyways, when tickets are purchased for the next showtime of a film that is still playing, the customers are placed in one of three lines so the people who bought tickets first get into the theater first. Last week, Line 1 consisted of people going to Date Night, Line 2 was empty and Line 3 had people going to see the Tyler Perry movie...needless to say, when I walked in for my shift, I was convinced segregation had been legalized once again. Sadly, this was not the case. It's not my fault that the people who think Tyler Perry "movies" are watchable also happen to be the same people in police line-ups. If you want to be treated equally, you have to act equal.

Sometimes I wish I only dated fat chicks...but only because you can treat them like shit and they're just grateful to be with someone who rarely finishes all their food. Just kidding, I wouldn't let some fat chick eat my food. Before you begin to judge me harshly, think about it this way: eventually they're grow to hate me and force themselves to lose weight and look slightly attractive just to spite me. In other words, my actions will have produced another not-fat chick for the benefit of all not-fat guys in the area. It's a win-win! The only way there could even be a loser is if someone took the fatty's fat-feelings into account, but let's be real, fatties don't count as real people; therefore they don't have real emotions. Think about it, normal people talk their feelings out and fat people eat them away...which one is morally correct? Certainly not the one dealing with gluttony, or as it's more popularly known: one of the Seven Deadly Sins!! Put this all together and you get undeniable proof that fat people are going to hell, right with the jews, retards and gingers.

If you're not sure if you're fat or not, answer this question truthfully to find out: Have you ever finished masturbating and thought "Man, I really shouldn't be this tired?" If you answered yes, or didn't laugh while saying no immediately, then you. are. fat. leave. my. site. kthnx.

This is Mr. Stewart explaining the stupid South Park "fiasco" from the 201st episode:

and this is the unofficial music video to Pase Rock's fucking awesome song called: Lindsey Lohan's Revenge.

Day 79

No, but it'll make you grow big and strong so you can stop being such a bitch about swallowing...

LOTW: Tiger's Got Wood -The name of some porn that parodies the world's most famous half-black half-something-asian guy who also happens to be good at golf.

This update is going to be a bit different from the previous ones only because I wrote very little of this. Instead, there's just a shitload of links to things I've found in the past week and a half that have made me say to myself "People need to see this. Also, I need to stop talking to myself." Without further ado, get your mouse-3 button ready to open some tabs because here we (you) go!

You know how kids do the darndest things? Well, there's a girl from Portland that...well...let's just say that if there was a competition for a kid doing the darndest thing, she. Would. Win.

I don't understand this whole craze for not wearing shoes on April 8th. If I was a kid who had never had shoes in my entire life and then I found out that people with many good pairs of shoes were just leaving them at home and wasting their potential, I would be confused, angry, insulted, saddened and offended that someone would be that fucking stupid. So this April 8th -Your death, do the right thing and WEAR. YOUR. FUCKING. SHOES. Besides, your feet are absolutely disgusting, so if you don't wear shoes for yourself, at least do it for everyone that's going to have to see your feet for the rest of the day, you inconsiderate douche.

Would you like a blow job by Hillary Duff? ME TOO! Here's how you do it, because apparently its easy, all you need to do is propose to her and you get this!

Here's an interesting little letter to a lady who thinks that homosexuality is an abomination, when in reality it's just gross. Anywhoozle, the guy who wrote it decided to use her sacred over-detailed brochure against her, resulting in this. I mean, the bible saying we're not allowed to own people?! That's ridiculous! I mean, that's like saying that every person in history like Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and your great-grandfather are all in hell...oh wait, they are. You white people and your shitty decisions.

If you watch Rambo backwards, it's Sylvester Stallone healing people with his magical bullet vacuum.

Do you like baco-of course you fucking like bacon, everyone likes bacon. Well, do you also love Star Wa-of course you like Star Wars, everyone that's not black loves Star Wars and I don't know any black people who can spell "blog," much less use a computer. so I don't expect any angry emails written with Caps Lock on. Anyways, enough racist tangents. As Liam Neeson would say: RELEASE THE BACON AT-AT!!

For those of you that STILL don't follow me on Twitter, you may not know that I recently became an official member of PETA (People for the Eating of Tender Animals).

This next link is my favorite one of all, well, second to the Link of Hyrule, because it's something that totally makes sense on my level of intensity. I'm not even going to explain it because the article has an excerpt which does the job so much better than I could ever hope to do:

"A flexible polyurethane condom-like tube that fits into the woman's body.... Rows of jagged plastic hooks line the inside of the tube — bent backward like teeth in a shark’s mouth — and lodge in a perpetrator's penis upon entry."

That's right...let it sink in. Ok, here's the link to the article. Now that your mind and penis have officially been blown, let's discuss this. It's basically a backwards condom, because the last thing that can be considered is "safe." Let me begin by saying that I whole-heartedly approve of this being sold to women everywhere, hell, if I go to prison I'll probably end up getting myself a case or 18 (If you know what I look like, you know I would be like a sex doll in prison). Despite this being awesome, however, I can't get into the mindset of how this would be applicable by a woman. I mean, do you put it in at the start of the day? How do you do it without hurting your finger or ruining a perfectly good banana/cucumber/glass-coke-bottle (I don't judge)? How does your mind process that? Do you take it out of the package, kiss it for good luck and say "I hope you come out empty today!" What if she's dating a guy from a sketchy part of town and they're about to have sex? Does she have to say "Wait, hold on, I need to take out my shark-toothed-ant-rape-condom out before you rip my vagina a new hole..."

Here's an interesting social aspect of this product though: A woman putting it in all day means she thinks she might be raped at any given point in her day, and if that's the case, she should worry less about what's going into her vagina and more into living in a better zip code. going back to my first point though, what if you're in Walgreens because CVS is gay and you see an ugly woman buy a pack of them? Do you give her the patronizing look I give fat guys when they buy condoms that says "Yeah, I'm totally sure you're gonna need all of those. Have fun with your video camera and loneliness for the next 6 hours, let me know how hard the EMS people laugh when you fuck it up." I think they should sell a 30-pack for hot women, and have it include a shirt that says DONT FUCK ME OR YOUR DICK WILL BLEED!! and under that, in smaller text, have it say (Unless I say it's A-OK!).

Fuck vampires and werewolves, I'd rather be a whenwolf and travel through time every full moon as Michael J. Fox.

This isn't funny, just nerdy. Some guy created a real life version of the famous computer system from the film adaptation of Iron Man, the one and only: JARVIS.

Why isn't "Color me gay because I'm going Gaga for [Awesome thing here like time machine or the next Zelda game]" a more popular phrase?

I couldn't pick which video I enjoyed more so I'm posting both of them, here you have 2 people fighting for the same job (In THIS economy?! How current!) and in the second one you have a family that loves Ellen Degeneres...except their angry, angry father:

Day 78

This is what Devastator should've looked like if Michael Bay wasn't such a stupid douche...

LOTW: She had sex for, like, cheeseburgers -Maddie talking about a girl from high school

Bonus LOTW: She smells like Sexicrombie & Bitch -Me describing a customer at work


This entry will begin with the single most useful video I will ever post on here:


It's not secret that it's April Fools today and guess what I decided to do? Nothing. Just kidding, I'm not wearing any underwear. Why? Because it feels fucking great outside...hell, almost TOO great. So much that I'm convinced, and if you live in Houston, I'm sure you will be too, that this awesome weather is god's April Fools prank on Houston for the shit we're gonna get the rest of the year...prick.

I wish I was better at drawing so I could make a comic strip where in one post, a guy eats a girl out using the sound "Om nom nom nom nom nom" and then have an audio file of me actually doing it**.

So summer is right around the corner, then again, so are prostitutes but no one ever mentions them. I'm actually kind of excited because it will allow me to continue my long-standing tradition of going swimming with a faux-hawk and pretending I'm a shark with a full head of hair AND an attitude problem.

There's a picture on the internet that promotes America through its badassness. Most people think it can't be topped. I beg to differ. Kill you in your sleep on Christmas during wartime? How about we kill a few random people and psychologically destroy an entire town in France using LSD-spiked bread...FOR FUN?! This is why regardless of how fucked up the government and the super-rich are, at least my shitty day consists of a day when I go to Jack in the Box not 2min from my house and they accidentally give me mayo on my burger and not something like a fellow countryman decided to blow up my school to prove his point.

In case you're wondering, you haven't lived until you've watched Precious with a joint.

There are times when I lay awake in bed thinking: If my fridge COULD run away, how fast would it be? Would I be able to jog up to it and stop it or would I need a vehicle to cut it off? I mean, what if someone calling you and telling you your refrigerator was running was a serious problem and was a situation that had to be dealt with IMMEDIATELY? I assume it would be common to have some sort of GPS tracking device installed in all fridges just in case. Would black fridges run away a lot more often than white or beige ones? Maybe they'd run away based on how you treat them or how old they are, I imagine a refrigerator being 6 years old is like being a teenager so they'd always be trying to leave and hang out w/the sexy new ones down the street...then again, how would they know there are new ones down the street in the first place? What if they'd run away based on the kind of food you put in them and you get a fridge that HATES your favorite food like chicken pot pies, milk, eggs, chorizo, Coke Classic or Sunkist? Oh man, that would fucking suck, you'd have to chain that mofo down...unless it'd be illegal or something because of RAPE (Refrigerator Alliance for the Purpose of Emancipation).

Did you know that dipping your finger into Honey-BBQ sauce and then licking it off tastes amazing? Did you know that doing it for 47 consecutive minutes can make your mouth taste delicious? I do.

Sometimes I think I would be funnier if I was driving stoned and had a hit-and-run resulting in the death of 3 middle schoolers and me getting away with it. Maybe murder is the key to great comedy...or maybe I'm actually so hungry I'm willing to kill something and/or someone to get some food.

I was in my Child Psych class a few days ago and we were watching some PBS special-type-video with Alan Alda and a lady asked a kid "What's in the box?" so I replied (for all to hear), "Gwyneth Paltrow's head!" and only ONE other person in the class got it...if people were more well-rounded I wouldn't have such a big ego. (See what I did with the formatting there?)

Question: How often has the phrase "I love adultery as much as the next girl, but he's been getting a lot of uglies..." been said?
Answer: Not enough.

Lost would be better (read: Good) if they added Blue from Blue's Clues to help make sense of it all. Also, I wish I could have a relationship with a girl just like the one between the writers of Lost and everyone who's not a writer on Lost so that I could just write/say/do whatever I wanted to without any purpose or consequence.

If I moved to California and had a gajillion dollars, I would open up a hybrid supercenter of the following stores...all in one convenient building:

• Half-Price Books
• Jack-in-the-Box
• KFC
• Weed Dispensary
• Gamestop
• Gallery Furniture
• Any mass-beer-brewery
• Also, it would have nothing but my iTunes playing

Would you visit me and/or be a regular customer? I thought so.

Well that's it for me, I really need to start getting a 6 minute set together for Houston's Funniest Person Contest in a couple weeks. Until next time, remember this: Don't be such a Laydown Larry!

**Not an audio file of me making the noise, but of me eating a girl out WHILE I make the noise.




That video had NOTHING to do with the last thing I wrote.