New Years

I was planning on doing a big update today, you know, to make up for my absence as of late, but if you knew anything about Catholic Mexicans, you'd know why I've been busy since I woke up today. There's water glasses around this absurdly clean house, and I'll explain why tomorrow when that big update comes up.

For now, I really hope every guy gets hit dick wet on New Years tonight...consensually. Also, I hope no girls get raped either, I can't imagine what it'd be like to start your New Year's by being raped. Granted, this is something I joke about often, but you gotta admit, it's fucked up.

Alright, enough serious talk, go get some holiday pussy and if you don't go out and see Avatar in 3D, I hope you get raped tonight...at 1am.

Day 72

It's not racist if it's funny...

Line of the Week: Shocking Surprise Of The Morning -The direct translation of the Korean title of Edgar Wright's 'Shaun of the Dead'

I was 'relaxing' with a friend after work on Saturday and as he ate his sushi, his dog came up and tried to eat it, promoting him to ask me "Can dogs have fish?" I proceeded to understand that as him asking me whether or not dogs could legally own fish, so I asked him "Is it really that big a deal? I suppose they can, but if they can't then if someone comes over looking for fish-ownership papers, you can just say they're yours...why?" There's really no ending to this story, except that we ended up laughing about it for a good four to six minutes...man, you gotta love happiness.

Sunday consisted of waking up super late, getting some food, doing some various tasks and then heading downtown with my friend Lauryn to the Deadmau5 concert. This may not strike anyone as impressive, but then again, anyone can be an idiot. We got there a few minutes before he was supposed to come on but were treated to a fan-fucking-tastic opener that laid down some great tracks like (my favorite) Floating by Jape and One Above One by Vitalic. Then Deadmau5 came on and rocked our fucking world by kicking it off with FML and moving through his songs while hitting the crowd favorites like Ghosts and Stuff, The Reward is More Cheese and a mashup of Muse and Daft Punk. We made sure to get up front for optimum ear-numbness and went all out.

I think my favorite parts were two events completely unrelated to the music. The first is called Technosex, which describes the people who were behind me and to the left that were making out, as in she was leaning into him while facing me and he was leaning back with his tongue in her mouth and his hand down her shirt, it was very fun to watch in my lack of sobriety and couldn't help but laugh. The second is less amusing and consists of a fat asian lady, like at least 27 years old, with two guys mind you, came up behind me, put her arms around me and started rubbing my arms and kind of dry humping until I grabbed her wrists and pushed her back as I looked at her friends with a look that said "Dude...seriously? Get your fat whore off me while I'm trying to enjoy this fucking concert or I'll punch her in the face and then weave quickly through the crowd so you can't find me, mkay?" Yeah, she didn't bother me after that.

I was eating Jack in the Box on Monday and guess what happened? Yeah, they fucked up and replaced my cheeseburger for a regular burger, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I ORDERED AN ULTIMATE CHEESEBURGER (#5). I ate it but I was definitely NOT happy. The best part was that in the middle of my rage (Read: Temper-tantrum), I received a call to my house phone from who else than what the caller ID described as "Food for the Poor", so I picked it up, hung up (down?) and walked away like the Hulk, except without pants...don't judge me, I wanted to get comfortable.

I would like to take this opportunity to take advantage of the opportunity to address some people that have been stealing oxygen molecules for far too long...

Dear you: stop using "frickin" instead of "fucking." I took a poll of the world and guess what? No one, and I mean NO ONE, is impressed by your ability to not curse and simultaneously sound childish AND retarded...that is all.

I went to a screening of Precious on Tuesday, and as the theater began to fill, I looked down at the reserved seats and noticed that it doubled as the "White person section" and something in my body lept up with happiness, almost as if I expected it and was glad to see I was right. Also, I kept on thinking the theater was empty, but when I went to sit down in an empty seat, there was already someone there, it's as if they had camouflage on that prevented them from being seen in the dark...weird...

Hey, do you like Brett Ratner, the director of such "films" as The Family Man, Rush Hour 3, After the Sunset and X-Men: The Last Stand? Me neither! Without further ado, I present to you: Ratnerfilms!!

A couple friends and I went to San Marcos for the weekend and on the way back, we saw a bunch of American flags being flown at half-staff and we figured it was because of the shooting at Ft. Hood. I got to thinking though, how long will that last? What's the standard time to wait after soldiers have been killed before you're allowed to raise the flag all the way up? Is it one day per dead soldier? What if it's someone of a higher rank? Do they get 2-3 days? These are the questions that keep me up at night...why aren't these things posted on billboards across America? I think the people have the right to know!!

Then, a girl in my Psychology class was wearing a hoodie today that said "Navy Girlfriend" on it. That's it. Nothing else...just "Navy Girlfriend." Umm, is that supposed to impress some 9 year old, because I don't get it. As soon as I saw it, two things came to mind:

1. You're a Navy girlfriend? Awesome!! Goodluck getting that "Navy Wife" hoodie when all members of that branch are gay, lulz.
2. Really? JUST a Navy Girlfriend? That means you can't commit to someone who's fighting for our country or you're just a cock-tease, either way, no one cares.

While we're still making fun of people we "shouldn't" be, I overheard someone talking about how their friend or family member (Idk, the point is that his name was Greg) to someone else and they said "At least he's in a better place." Yes, I realize the cliche of that line but older white women aren't known for their creativity, mkay? Anyways, she said that and all I could think to myself was "Why did he not do anything over there?" Let's face it, whether you like it or not, all of America's soldiers that do their job (See: Kill brown motherfuckers), are not going to a "better place." Those guys, as lovable, patriotic and well-meaning as they may be, are going to hell to killing people. Now I've never read the bible, but people who have tell me time and time and time and time and time again that killing is a definite no-no. So no matter which way you look at it, those kids are getting sent to their doom in more ways than one.

That's about it, I might be sorry it took so long to get this one up, but I might also not be, you'll never know. I'll leave you with two of my favorite videos on YouTube as of the moment I saw them. The first is a real presentation at TED and the second is a beautiful example of how important Interpersonal Communication really is:

Oh, and some people ask me how I worked out to get in shape to be Dr. McNinja, to which I reply...with Marky Mark, of course!!

Day 71 - Halloween

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Day 70

This parking spot was reserved for white customers only, but I got in and out quick...

Line of The Week: "If you can barely afford the abortion, how you gonna raise a child?" -@bethatasitmay

Before you do anything else, if there is a single part of your body that even mildly enjoys laughing, click here and enjoy one of the most fantastic voice mails I have ever heard. I guarantee that if you post it on your Twitter or Facebook, you will get responses within an hour of people listening to it.

As most of ya'll know, I went to San Marcos a couple weekends ago and here's an overview of what went down.

Day 1

• Waited all goddamn day for friends, one was gay, the other two were girls who probably forgot something...so basically I was going with 3 women and my friend Dan.
• Went to eat at a Chinese food place that serves food that's like a fried-rice orgasm in your stomach, fucking amazing.
• We finally left and my driver can't fucking drive over 60mph apparently, so after we pull over for some gas, Dan drives while I proceed to jam to my iPod and pregame since we still have a while.
• We finally arrive and surprisingly enough, it's actually a bustling party complete with a fat chick and a slut with a fucked up spine, horrible skin and grating voice that has a thing for giraffes (My shirt had a giraffe, courtesy of TEZ Clothing) so I told her I was gay with my friend Morgan and walked away.
• More friends arrive after the fire in my throat is at it's peak and lots of talking, some 3-way kissing b/c we were in the 90s apparently and joking commences until abortion comes into the picture, then it's literally nothing but crying and laughing as more is consumed and people start to leave. It eventually hits 3-something-am and I pass the fuck out.
  

Day 2

• I woke up to a dog in an adjacent room literally running full force into the door to be let out because it's owner, the fat whale, left for the weekend. I go to take a piss and see who's up (Everyone for at least 20min apparently, eh, fuck 'em, I like sleep) and look to my friend who's harvesting his crops on farmville on Facebook, which is like WoW for sad people who aren't good at real video games.
• After a shower, we hit up this awesome Mexican food place and then go to the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin to watch Paranormal Activity, but since I'm with people who don't appreciate film we get there 5min before it starts, only to see a line out the door for it. Despite my annoyingly arrogant and persistent advice against doing it, we get tickets anyway, only to refund them minutes later, FUCK YOU.
• Instead of watching another movie we go to this area where people buy vintage clothes for their shitty band's shows, gourmet cupcakes that cost too much for being all sorts of annoying and complicated and some place that sold candy and milkshakes which was pretty cool.
• We all sleep on the way back to San Marcos and then chill and once again eliminate our sobriety before we get our food on at this place called The Getaway.
• Our waitress was like an unfunny Megan Mullaly who made so many mistakes with our food that I was literally speechless. I did, however, eat one of the most delicious grilled chicken sandwiches and chocolate cakes I ever have in my entire life.
• After the food, everyone goes back to the house to get stuff for the night and me and Dan go one street over to a comedy club where some of my favorite Houston comics are performing: Deadbeat Comedy Club, consisting of Mark Hurtado, Frank Garcia, Theodore Taylor, John Gard and Keith Manning. It was great to hear their sets again with new jokes thrown in and I finally got me some Stella Artois for the first time in weeks...such a great fucking beer.
• We then headed back to the apartment and chilled until my comedian friends hit me up. Knowing it'd at least be funnier than what I was doing at the time, me and a friend went to their hotel room and got fucked up while watching people getting rightfully attacked by wild animals until almost 4am. Then we left and made it back to the apartment just in time to pass out again.
  

Day 3

• This time I wasn't actually woken up by a dog, but by friends joking about donuts. Knowing they would probably get a craving for them, I texted them my order, to which they laughed at because they weren't going to go, and I went back to sleep. I was woken up an hour later telling me my donuts were here so I smiled as I got up and proceeded scarf those mofos down.
• We got our stuff ready and played some a shitty game of Apples to Apples until we got tired of it and watched Monster's Inc. until like 2, when we finally left to get some lunch.
• I think the name of the place we ate at was literally "Cafe in the square" and was filled with that exact same level of pretentiousness as the name. The food was alright and the old perverted guy behind us in the line to pay was pretty funny because I couldn't understand a word he was saying. I just assumed he wanted to fuck all the girls and have them stroke his grey pubic hairs with their teeth or something, so he was alright in my book.
• We left and I slept as much as I could on the way home, where I finally got to sit down at my computer and....study.
  

I don't know, about you, but sometimes I like to put a water bottle in my cup holder, put my hand on the top of it and pretend that my car is a stick-shift and make shifting noises while I drive. Awesome? Yes, I think so. I told this to a friend of mine and his reply was that "its[sic] better when you really do have a stick." I used to do it with a real stick but people with bigger cars kept on giving me dirty looks when I used my penis.

I realize that I already have a bucket list, as well as a list of new phrases/words/definitions, but I'd like to make another one. This one will essentially just be the simple list of names I will never name my children, some with an explanation why.

• Sherman - Sounds like a turtle's name
  
• Marshall - This is no longer the 1960s
  
• Rusty - This is no longer the 1980s
  
• Victor
• Brian - Too much hair...always too much fucking hair
  
• Colby
• Alexandra/Alexander/Alexis - People will call him/her Alex
  
• Drake - GAYYYYYYYYYYYY
  
• Katie/Cadie/Katy - Because no one can spell it correctly
  
• Miranda - Does this really need any explanation?
  
• Brian
• Brianna - That's a fat or black person's name...umm, no thanks.
  
• Stan/Stanley - I don't want my kid to be a virgin until he's 43

During one of those times where you're just bored and letting your mind wander, I thought of a world where everyone was always rude, vulgar and honest. I can only imagine that the movies in that world would be restricted and rated based on how nice they were. Compliments would give them a PG-13, while a hug or a kiss would give them a pretty hard R-rating. I assume that the NC-17 would be saved for anything with tears or consensual sex...can you imagine?

That's it for now, it seems I have to write a paper and review of Amelia sometime soon...and in case you're wondering, it sucked and is looking worse and worse as I reflect on it. I'll leave you with two videos. The first is from Miles Fisher, a comedian with the greatest impersonations of Tom Cruise and Christian Bale. The second is from actor Peter Serafinowicz, doing even better impersonations of Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro and, my personal favorite, Kevin Spacey. Enjoy.

Day 69

Still want to argue with me about the "right to life?"

Line of the Week: The only way you can get out of robbing my parents' house is if you have a...really...big...cock! -The most logical (pornical) way of confronting a thief in a porn I watched


I would like to submit a Public Service Announcement to all filmmakers in the entire world: KILL MOAR KIDS!!

I have one of my presets in my car radio set to an opera/classical music station in case I ever get in an accident. Why, you ask? Well I'll tell you! In the case of an traffic acci-erm, collision, who would a jury be more likely to believe, a kid with Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2nd Movement playing, or the adults with Lady Gaga or Kanye West? That's what I thought...it's called Psychology motherfuckers, learn ya some!

I've been trying to get into the habit to up my comedic chops by inventing new words, using new phrases or simply new definitions to old ones. I don't have too many right now but I'll make sure to update them as they come:

• Pornical - This is a hybrid of porn+logical, and basically encompasses all logic used in porn. Like the Line of the Week above, I watched a porn where this chick catches this guy dressed as the Hamburgaler stealing china and shit from her parent's house and she says the aformentioned line...the best way to describe it? Simple pornical.
• Get your fuck on - No new definition, it's just funnier than saying you're going to fuck someone.
• Dicking - Similar to the last one, you should just use it A LOT more often.
• Faded - I have no clue where or how I thought this one up, it just means that something is chill. Like, if you're smoking some ridiculous make-you-2nd-grade-retarded-high, you can say "Damn man, that shit's faded."
• Mether - This is to describe anything that's more ridiculous, crazy or energetic...as if you were on meth. "Man that rollercoaster was badass but this ICEE is mether!"
• Jewche - This is Jew+douche, creating an all new type of insult that brings them down to a pitiful level of self-esteem.

In my History class last week, my teacher asked us "What is welfare?" So I raised my hand and before he even picked me, I naturally responded with "...umm, my weed money... " That was one of the few times where everyone got the joke and then looked around to see who else was looking around to see who smoked weed...twas hilarious.

I was at a Quincenera a couple weekends ago and the dj eventually caved in and felt it necessary to play the Casper Slide. It's a song that tells you what to do, how often to do it and when to do it. The thing is, someone always claps a little faster than everyone else and fucks it all up...the best part however, is that there's also that one guy who gets unusually pissed at that person. He's really easy to spot too, he's the guy talking to his friend, saying things like "AHHH, COME ON!! Every goddamn time! Jesus man, I'm trying to get my fucking groove on to show off how smooth I can cha-cha to these chicks and you're throwing off my rhythm!"

Have you ever gone to karaoke bar and saw a black person not sing well? It really throw you off. I always feel like I should go up to them and say "Hey man, what happened up there? I thought all of you could sing? Maybe next time bro..."

Have you ever wished you could watch all those ridiculous accidents you drive by every day as they actually happened and maybe get to see someone transitioning from life to death? Me too!! As an added bonus, I'll even throw in a dead baby!!!!!!

That's all for now. Granted, it's definitely one of my shorter updates but I've had the flu and I've been busy gearing up for this weekend. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to San Marcos to hang out with some collegiate friends of mine and I expect some blog-worthy events to occur and if they do, I promise I'll update this in two weeks at the most.

Day 68

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Day 67

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Day 66

Posting this picture wasn't a random decision...and those kids deserve it for being shitty children.

Line of the Week: We should kill each other sometime next week...you have to go first though. -Me to a girl I'm dating


Holy shit nuggets I haven't been on here in waaaaaaay too long. I've been busy and shit, like always, doing illegal and unethical things that I'll never regret because guilt and regret are for the pussies who read shitty romantic books like Twilight and think Crash is a good movie...and I say fuck 'em all. Remember kids, if you didn't agree with anything I said, this is The Greater TRUTH, not The Mildly Awesome Opinion, respect it. Aside from sex, drugs and video games I've also been putting together my new desktop, which is where I'm finally updating this little passion of mine on. In case you're wondering about how chaotic my life is, it's because I live my life by only three rules that will be explained at the end of this update:
1) They not ready
2) Motherfuckers need to know
3) Get yo' shit

Before I really REALLY begin, I'd like to point you to my first post...hard to believe it's been more than a year already. I've gone through so much crazy shit since I began, from updating twice a week to updating once every other month and probably doing much more in between each update. With work one day, and drugs and beer on the other I've been needing some time to sit down and hammer out some bullshit. Expect some quicker updates, maybe a bit shorter but the same content none of you want none-the-less. Oh, and before forget, some interesting little notes might be coming down the pike (kike?) very soon.

Lately I've been having some commitment problems. No, I don't mean the relationships ones because those are easy (Don't). I'm talking about real commitment, sticking with your decisions and not second guessing yourself, even if you're wrong...hell, ESPECIALLY if you're wrong. For instance, I was driving to work and before I knew it I was accidentally in the turning lane, despite being in the turning lane 3 streets too early. Most people would just turn and then double back or find a back way, but not me, I waited for the light to turn green and then held up the turning line until I could get into the left-hand lane and go straight, and you know what? No regrets on this side of the mind-grapes.

I watched My Sister's Keeper and took one great thing away from it: Cancer sex is disgusting and unappealing. Seriously, if you have cancer and you're bald and shit, don't have sex. Besides, you don't know what else is defective in your body that you could pass on. Don't be a douche and just masturbate to wigs or pictures of people who don't have cancer or whatever ya'll do. If you REALLY feel the need to have sex, do it with someone else who's about to be even more worthless dead than alive and make sure you do it in a dark room. When I say dark room I don't mean a room with a red light where you can take pictures and develop them, (that's unsafe and can give you a terminal disease, ha!) I mean go the cube-shaped equivalent of a black hole. You may think it's a good idea to see the person you're with but if ya'll had perfectly functioning eyes and could see like normal people do, you'd realize it isn't.

I also saw Bruno and manged to cry three times from laughing. That film was a social revolution and the only thing that pissed me off was the complaints from the cock-nuggets that said, and I quote, that "It was too gay." They're saying this about the guy who had a bare naked fight with a fat guy 3 years ago? Fucking dumbshits. You know what's too much? How you're allowed to exist. If you find one of these people, lay them down, put a vibrator in their mouth and hammer it all the way through, American History X style. On a similar note, I'm proud to say that I'm gonna be Straight Dave for Halloween and may or may not go commando. Believe it.

Maybe it's just me but I have a strong feeling the mom from Family Circus is probably fucking insane in the sack. I'd grab some dark chocolate and draw some of those black lines her fat ass son makes while running and lead them to the tip of my shaft...she knows what I'm talking about.

I went to a screening of 500 Days of Summer with this little psychologically problematic chick and were lucky enough to have empty seats for almost the entire time we waited until a preggo woman wolf pack came in and sat in front of us and talked about how fat they were or something. Then one of them had the nerve to get up during the movie because she didn't feel good. This then sparked another one of my great ideas. You ready for it? A VIP only movie theater! I know what you're thinking, and yes, you can come. It'll be awesome because we'll exclude all the people we don't want! Pretty much everyone will be a VIP as long as the following filter doesn't apply to you:

• You're under 18
• You're pregnant
• You're less than a 5
• You're blind
• You have children with you
• You have cancer
• You have any kind of STD
• You small bad
• You drive a Hummer
• You have "bling"
• You have more than 1 visible tattoo
• You don't have 2 working legs

Ok, the last one may be a little out of line but I've actually thought of yet another great idea just for cripples! A handicap-only movie theater. I'll put it near a hospital and aside from providing an even more selective theater, it's a great way to get money from the cripples we all hate so much. This theater will be smaller and cheaper because we'll have saved the money we would've spent on seats! That's right, you bring your own (wheel)chair and you can park that mofo anywhere you like! That's the kind of theater I hope to one day run.

Word of Advice: Don't have a one-night stand with elephants...they never forget.

I was making fun of World of Worldcraft the other day because, well, it deserves it and was called out by someone who looked like the dumbshit teenager who works at all the fast food places on The Simpsons. At first I didn't hear him because I've trained myself to ignore who don't matter even to their parents so it took me a second to realize what he was saying. He said I didn't play WoW because my computer couldn't handle it or something like that. Despite this being extremely nerdy, I made sure everyone was listening and replied with "I don't play Wow because I know how vaginas taste..." If I could care enough to remember who it was, they could confirm that those were my exact words as I turned back around and continued to make fun of a game with the most even virgin-to-loser ratio since Dungeons & Dragons (2:1).

I also recently began summer school with the most horrible 8am biology II class possible. Taught by prof. gingery-impotence who brags about how many bird species he can name from a single glance and filled with the most mediocre and pathetic class since my Micro/Macro Economics classes last year. This guy's lectures are so boring he actually managed to make sex sound like a work-related obligation that you lose money for every time. No one should ever talk about sex and mention ovaries or semen production unless you work at a fertility clinic.

Speaking of fertility clinics, you should take the hint that the universe obviously doesn't want more of you around...stop fucking with it or your children will get cancer, be crippled AND be ugly...so basically be a cross between carlos mencia and Patrick Swayze.

As if taking away the fun from pussy pounding wasn't enough, he also decided to separate (Read: segregate) us into groups in accordance to our personality colors. I wish I was joking but not only was he serious about it, he wouldn't let us come into the lab portion of the class without it filled out completely. I was a 34 Green and a 32 Orange...Green being the smart, pretentious people and Orange being the energetic, partying people. I had less than 14 on the pussy colors where they're sensitive or anal, and not in the good way. Since the Orange table was filling up, he put me with the greens which consisted of 3 guys who smelled like week-old BO, a guy with a nose ring and a skull tattoo, a fat guy with a full beard, baseball cap and pink buttown-down shirt and a kid who has only said one sentence the entire 3 weeks I've been in it, and it was a comment about how heroin is produced... If I wasn't so damn skinny I would've committed murder...a lot. Now I have to endure the nerds who probably all own a Wow account for 3 more weeks while everyone else enjoys each other's company. On top of being with a shit table, all the girls are ugly so it's not like I can turn around and check out some T&A because all we've got are ugly Desi chicks, a 30-something white-trash alcoholic, 4 girls manlier than my rugby friend and a plethora of 3s and 4s for all the world to avoid.

Bucket List as of 6/17/09

1. Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
2. Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
3. Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
4. Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.
5. Lightly hit a girl on her nose with my penis...and then have her sneeze, followed by laughter on both sides.
6. Wear a condom for an entire day and then use it later that night and surprise the girl with my amazing level of preparation.

My teacher was talking about how Sea Sponges were all hermaphrodites and asked us what ability they have. I replied that they have "the ability to make us all extremely uncomfortable", a joke only this high kid laughed at and understood...fucking assholes. Even strangers laugh when I tell them that story, but that class gave me nothing.

That's about it for now, but in lieu of a film about stand up comedy coming out, the fantastic looking Funny People, I'll leave you with someone you're gonna love:

Day 65

Why do some people insist on getting in the way of true love?

Line of the Week: You could rape me, lol -My stalker


Did you know that wood cutting and circumcisions are basically the same thing? It's cutting something long and hard to make it more accessible for everyone.

On that note, I'd like to apologize for the lack of updates with a list of excuses of why the lack of update:

• My hand hurt, like a bunch of times.
• People are boring.
• My jaw feels weird.
• I went to Mexico for three days.
• I've been working and stuff.
• Drugs and Alcohol are my most important vices.
• I bought some foreign films.
• I'm too popular and people don't leave me alone to hang out with them.
• I can't turn down horny chicks.
• I refuse to do a 3 paragraph update.
• My laptop is messing up

Worry not though, because next week I will be building myself a new desktop and all will be well. I'll probably be on the computer a lot more and will finally get a chance to get more writing done.

Lately I've been wanting to do some kinky stuff like go to the house of the guy who owns every mustard ever made and replace each bottle with that yellow ketchup they've invented for kids...I don't know if people can die from sadness, but I'm sure willing to try!

I watched Star Trek a few times and REALLY liked it, but it felt really familiar. Most of the beginning is the introduction to the characters, but after a planet implodes, shit just hits the fan. At one point, Kirk gets marooned on Hoth to talk to Yoda because Degobah was just destroyed, so they talk to Obi Wan and he gets him on his way. Oh, and at some point they're meeting up with the Rebel Alliance, only to find out that it was a trap...such fools! If only Admiral Ackbar was there to warn them...

I may have mentioned something about my stalker before, but this time, it's serious...ly awesome! I was getting off work when I got the usual text from her asking what I was up to. I was about to go do a bunch of homework for my last week of classes before finals so I sent "About to go rape my homework three different ways, you?" Where most chicks would send an acknowledgement and stop messaging me, she promptly replied with "You could rape me, lol." Yes, this is 100% true and this is my life. Some of you already may know this story because I've been telling everyone to now call me "The Consensual Rapist." I think it has a nice ring to it, and it fits me and a couple coworkers' motto "It's not sex if there's no tears."

Here's a less-than-mediocre survey someone made on/for Facebook and despite it not being as funny as the one I did when I first started this site, I already filled it out and I'm not going to throw away any more minutes of my life. It's a "Have you ever..." type of survey so read it accordingly:
Kissed any one of your facebook friends? Yes, some I even kissed with my penis!
Been arrested? No, I don't get caught.
Solicited sex? Not yet.
Been solicited by another? Yes.
Kissed someone you didn't like? She had big tits.
Slept in until 5 PM? No, I do shit with my life.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Held a snake? No
Ran a red light? No
Been suspended from school? No
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? No, and who the hell says "motorbike?" I've never heard anyone say "motorbike" and continued to listen to them.
Been fired from a job? Again, I don't get caught.
Sang karaoke? Yes, Afroman - Because I Got High...
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? No, the only obstacle in my life is physics and rape and murder being illegal.
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? No, my body does what I tell it to do, WHEN I tell it to.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Who cares.
Kissed in the rain? This is stupid.
Played strip poker? I'm amazed I've gotten this far.
Flown on a plane? Yes
Been on a cruise? I bet the person who made this survey thinks I Love Lucy caused the current destruction of morality in society....
Have any regrets in life? Hahahaha......no, I shine like gold, mofo.
Sang in the shower? Among many other things, Yes.
Sat on a rooftop? Please rephrase the question, I'm not sure what it means.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? Again, I have no clue what this means.
Broken a bone? No
Cracked a bone? That's practically the same goddamn thing as the last one.
Shaved your head? No, I have a big penis, I don't need to compensate.
Blacked out from drinking? Oh. My. God. Yes...Russian chicks are fucking awesome.
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Haha, talk about a loaded question.
Made your girlfriend cry? Not unless she deserved it.
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Fuck you, you racist.
Been in a band? No.
Shot a gun? Yes...oh, wait, just shot it at no one? No.
Tripped on mushrooms? Not yet.
Donated Blood? I've yet to find someone, aside from Jane Seymour and Maureen Dowd, that meets the specifications required for me to give them life.
Eaten alligator meat? Only if that's what Chicken McNuggets are made of...mmmmmm.
Eaten kangaroo meat? Who the fuck thought this would be a good question?
Eaten cheesecake? Yes
Still love someone you shouldn't? This actually managed to be worse than the cracked/broken bones one. I really hope the creator of this survey is in a hospital ER that has run out of morphine...

As you know, I work at Studio Movie Grill and had to move chairs from one theater to another because we're too cheap to get new chairs when another one of my great ideas hit me in my mind-grapes like my great ideas tend to do: I should open up a handicapped-only movie theater, that way, I would cut down maintenance and production costs by never having to install any seats! Everyone would be in their own wheelchair and if you only had like a cast, you'd be required to bring your own chair. But you'd have to be separate from the REAL cripples...I think I could be the first business owner to establish handicapped segregation and would probably get a trophy or a fancy medal for doing so.

My sister recently graduated high school and because I couldn't get out of attending, I decided to spread my discontent through the magic of Twitter. Here's all the entries I sent and around what time I sent them...as you can guess, they were very popular on Facebook:

3:23 - The band began practicing the Indiana Jones theme song and a girl below me turned to her family in disgust and said: Ugh, it's Star Wars...
3:29 - Note to Future Wife: If you chew gum with your mouth open, I WILL break your jaw...but know that it's only because I love you.
3:46 - Not too bad so far, really loving the amount of MILFs I'm seeing...and yes, that includes some of the teachers...
3:51 - Some ROTC kids were introduced to remember their classmates...apparently some students died doing geometry homework or something.
3:57 - The valedictorian asked all to pray & 3 different babies began crying...proof that even in our uncorrupted youth, we know something's up...
4:05 - Note to Possible Future Daughter: Chew gum during graduation and your college money is going to buy me my own Great American Cookie store...
4:11 - Haha, the Asian kids have the least amount of cheers because Chinese people are so quiet...if only they had a cheer app on their iPhones...
4:14 - Awww, black kids get the loudest cheers because most of them don't graduate...so sad...
4:20 - Despite those long robes doing their best, you can still notice the ugly truth of childhood obesity...for shame...
4:35 - I really want two kids to have the same exact name and have their families cheer for the wrong kid, haha.
4:39 - Some kid had the last name, Mistry, and it sounded JUST like Mystery, which would be a fucking badass last name!!
4:54 - While most people Twitter movies, E3 or special events, I do high school graduations For The epic Wolf...I'm the news anchor of mediocrity!
5:19 - In conclusion, graduations are a melting pot for people from all over the world with too much makeup and attitude.

Maybe it's just me but I love how peeing in the shower is one of those rare and beautiful moments in life where you feel both clean and dirty at the same time...so magical...

I've been thinking about it a lot and I genuinely can't decide who I despise more, fat people or people who baby-talk to babies. For your information, your kids are mediocre because you made dolphin sounds to them until they were five. Parents are fucking stupid.

Like I stated earlier, I went to Monterrey where not much happened except getting three wisdom teeth removed...yeah, it fucking sucked. You know what's worse though? I couldn't eat solids and wasn't allowed to lift anything or stay up late...like a baby or elderly person, although in my case it's probably an insane elderly person with a severe case of senility. The only good thing that came out of the trip, aside from the drugs, was the time I had to myself to think those crazy thoughts that make everyone laugh.

I pulled an all-nighter the day before we left so I would sleep while everyone else drove, and only woke up to eat Burger King. One thing I noticed about eating on road trips is how unhappy everyone is while they're eating. A car full of people my age drove by eating Whatburger and as every single one of them had their mouths full of cholesterol and fat, they simply looked off into the distance with the most depressed and self-loathing looks possible...a look that only Karen Carpenter would understand.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is only now hitting theaters in Mexico under the title Let's Make a Porno, and the fantastic tagline: We should all make one... Gotta love translations.

The surgeries weren't too bad except the first and third one, where the dentist used twelve, that's right, twelve different tools to take out one tooth. It was absolutely insane. Milk - 1, Contemporary Medicine - 0. Similarly, but not, I never realized how awesome it felt to spit up blood. Immediately after my surgery I kept on hoping someone would walk in the office looking for a fight so I could spit out some blood and say "So you're the next guy? eh, alright."

I also learned that I hate dubbed movies more than anything else in the world, and that's including girls who don't swallow or people who think barbed-wire tattoos are hardcore. I highly recommend you burn the next person you see watching one.

Due to the fact that I was in minor pain, which I hate, the entire I weekend, I figured it would be as good a time as any other to start a bucket list. Now, I only have a few entries so far, but believe you me(I don't know what that means either), I'll be working on it.

Bucket List as of 6/17/09

1. Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
2. Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
3. Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
4. Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.

That's it for now, until next time, may your women be loose and tight at the same time. I'll leave you with the best life coach money can buy:

It doesn’t fit in a Rolodex because it doesn’t belong in a Rolodex!