Day 83

The perfect snack for your beloved pedophiles!

LOTW: I'm like The Jeffersons of bitches! I'm just movin' on up! -Me...I don't know.

Have you ever gotten so drunk you try to make a snow angel during the summer, inside, on your tile floor while facing down? Me neither.

I recently realized that it's going to be impossible for me to have a normal restroom experience. Last week I was in the restroom of a movie theater. Using the urinal furthest from the door, a kid takes the mini-urinal a few spots down and as his stream becomes audible, some old guy with grey hair comes in, stands next to him. He then proceeds to ask the kid what he thought of the movie and other stuff that shouldn't be mentioned in a place where your mouth should rarely be open. By this point, they're both peeing quite loudly, I'm trying to make it look like I'm still peeing without being obvious about my eavesdropping, so I go wash my hand and my favorite part happens. The kid finishes, walks out without washing his as the old guy exclaims: "Where are you going? Don't leave me!" Which I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to say to a nine-year-old, unless you yourself are nine-years-old.

My friend Marc has a really shitty couch. It's so shitty he bought a blanket to put on top so the experience of its horrendous smell and fabric escapes the ignorant guests that happen upon it. After seeing it's true and hideous nature, a friend said "It's not THAT bad." He was mistaken, so I proceeded to correct him with the following logic: Based on the couch's shoddy workmanship and selection of fabric, it was likely made in the mid/late 60s, we were born in the mid/tale 80s...this couch is so fucking old, it was considered out and out-dated before we were even born. The moral ? Don't trust couches you're not allowed to see.

I was watching TV recently and as I was scrolling through the on-screen guide, I found two shows with the most straightforward and almost-unappealing titles I have ever read. The first was George Washington Slept Here. I love it, it tells you exactly how bored you're going to be, right before you don't watch it. The other was called The Woman with Half a Body. Not sober, I axed my surrounding friends if they thought it was going to be a woman with the top or bottom half. We eventually decided it was probably the top since the bottom, while much more attractive (Read: Less annoying), would probably only reach the demographic of males 18-24. The top half, however, would reach the demographic of all women and gays because it was probably an hour-long show about some woman whining about how she can't meet a decent guy who can look past the half that he will never have sex if he marries her...or she'll get lockjaw from all the blowjobs she'll have to give just to keep him around. Don't get me wrong, I love blowjobs, but no mouth, regardless of how small and/or young it is, will ever compensate for a proportionately-sized vagina....and that's why I call this blog The Greater Truth.

Did you understand Inception? I know Xzibit did.

I was watching a movie in a movie theater recently (I know, how nerdy of me), and as soon as the lights dimmed, a woman looked back at me as if it was time to shut up. I was feeling...bold and intelligent and proceeded to explain where she made a mistake and said "Ma'am, I'm a big movie nerd, I know how this works. The lights go dim = We take our seats. Commercials begin = We talk to drown out the bullshit. Trailers come on = You say the last thing you think is important and then shut just as the production company's logo pops up." Now, I ended up repeating this to some friends, and I found out that this is not the case for black people.

I did some research and found out that when you're black and running on CP time it goes more like this:

• The lights dim - They put out the blunt in their car's ashtray.
• Commercials begin - They buy their tickets and go inside the lobby.
• Trailers start - They wait until everyone is inside and then go into the theater as a group.
• Movie kicks off - They noisily get to the seats in the place that's most difficult to get to.
• 5-20min into the movie - They sit snickering to eachother
• 30+ minutes in - All hell fucking breaks loose and they get loud
• 45min in - An angry white person has told the manager and they've come in to get them to leave.
• In the lobby - They try to get their money back, and when they don't, they say "This is bullshit" and go kill a random white person.
• After the movie - Half of the theater demands a refund and instead they get free passes to live through this experience again!
  
  

I don't think I really even need to justify this. I know this exists and I have no idea what to do with this information. Spread it, I suppose.

Day 82

This image was taken right before they died, because this shit is getting out of hand.

LOTW: I don't know, but smell me, quick! -Dream talk

There's a new Lady Gaga sex doll that goes by the professional and stage name of Lady Gag-gag. The tag lines for the doll include "She loves it when you Poke her face" and "She's so dirty, even her doll smells!" And to that, I say, Happy 4th of July! America!!

A lot of people like to think the BP oil spill won't affect them. I'm here to tell you you're wrong. You may say "But Homero, I never go outside, I prefer to stay inside and play video games and shoot brown people." and I would reply "I love doing that too, but you know those barrels next to the cluster of enemies that you can shoot to cause an enormous explosion? If there's no more oil, there's no more barrels to shoot." Think about it.

In the Obama Administration's Remake of the Karate Kid, the film begins with Jaden Smith putting on his best sad face and looking at the door frame that features his marked growth. The director then shows us that his father is dead by including a shot of the height marks and highlighting one that reads: DADDY DIED. As if that's the very first thing every child does upon hearing about the death of a parent or loved one. Then the movie actually starts and you get the first taste of the soundtrack. Make sure to memorize the name of the music supervisor so you can look them up on IMDB and make sure to never watch another movie they work on again.

Once they finally get to China, they just happen to meet a white kid who also happens to play basketball, which as some of you may know, is a treasured African tradition. It's almost as if the studios were refusing to give them money until they made sure one white kid with blond hair was portrayed as a genuine good person. After meeting the lovely Aryan child, you're introduced to the most absolutely EVIL Chinese kid, who's only mission is to just defecate on this single black kid's happiness. All the while the Yank acts like a typical white guy and just watches disapprovingly like "Hey, don't look at me, I didn't tell the kid to look at people with a mixture of confusion and fussiness." Back to the Chinese kid though, because when he zeros in on Jaden Smith, he FUCKS HIS SHIT UP! It was so violent and full of hatred I couldn't stop laughing at its intensity. I really wanted to see this Chinese kid kill what was probably the only black child he's ever seen, and IN FRONT OF THE KID'S OWN MOTHER! Now THAT would've been a hell of a movie, it could've ended with him eventually fighting against Barack Obama. Oh well, maybe in the sequel....which they are planning.

In the end, it was a good story, the black kid makes out with the Chinese chick after she plays DDR in front of him to the tune of Lady Gaga. This sounds like I'm making it up but it's true, it even finishes by the game saying "You're Hott!" Every pedophile gave this movie 10 Horrified-Parents out of 10 horrified-parents. In the end, Jaden Smith uses black magic to beat the Chinese minion and Jackie Chan learns the valuable and often forgotten lesson that black people are people too.

Does chicken pox still exist? Are kids around the world still being held back by the crippling disease that plagues more children than chickens despite it's namesake? Do underdeveloped countries still feel the pain of being constantly itchy? How can we, as Americans, allow this abomination to continue? When will white-science step up and say "We've had it with chicken pox! We're putting down these Cialis 2: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger pills and working on The Pox-Cok-Block!"

I want to get into an argument with someone and get them riled up until they yell at me "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" so that I can then angrily reply with "I ALREADY DID THAT TWICE THIS MORNING, BUT IF IT WILL CALM YOU DOWN THEN I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!"

I think it's safe to say that no one cares about Jews, Muslims can't be trusted anymore (Then again, could they ever?) and everyone wants Christians to just shut the fuck up...but what about the Kwanzaa bullshit? It's growing in popularity every year and pretty soon we're going to start getting black christmas movies made by people other than Tyler Perry. Once that happens...all is lost. All I'm saying is that we need to stop stocking every Walgreens and CVS with Kwanzaa products and hope it dies out on its own.

This little story is one I've been meaning to post but wrote it in my stand up file and forgot about it a couple months ago:

I went to Denny's Diner, which is like a regular Denny's except it's almost exclusively for black people. Now, I did not know this at the time, so naturally, I went after smoking like 3 bowls with some friends. Now, to give you an idea of who I'm with, I've got a friend who also happens to be a gay and could NOT do ONE push-up to save his life. Then we have 2 girls, one is an art major, so you know one of us is going to have to lend her some money, and the other is not only the youngest and most sheltered of the bunch, but is also one inch away from being a legal midget. So we've got four high college students, of which, I'm the strongest...which is like having a Holocaust survivor defend you. On a side note, you know you're a pretty shitty posse when the comedian has the most money.

So we pull into the parking lot and I already feel out of place because of the cars we parked next to. First of all, there was a taxi, and considering there are approximately eight cabs in Houston, all of which are driven by black guys, it did not seem as this trip would bode well for at least one of us. On the other side, however, there was a station wagon with wood panels that is probably owned by an old racist black guy who may or may not like to yell at people my age. The car next to that guy was the one that really bothered me, it was a recently parked El Camino (I could tell because the rims were still spinning) with the windows tinted so much you could tie three white people together, set them on fire, throw them in the car with the doors shut and you wouldn't be able to see a thing. Although the screaming would definitely tip someone off eventually, because let's be honest, white people love to scream like little bitches...kinda like how black people like to scream as if someone cares.

So my 3 friends and I walk into this diner, which is L-shaped, and are seated in the very back-CORNER of the restaurant, where we couldn't be seen, or "identified" from the front door. We are so far away from the black customers I couldn't start an interracial food-fight if I wanted to. As I look around to inspect my surroundings, I see we're seated under the only painting in the entire building with white people in it, as if they're supposed to protect us when the inevitable gang fight begins. That's about the time I noticed that it was actually a painting filled with dead white people! I don't know how it got past important while people but this image was disturbing to someone in my state of mind and made me wait for my expected death. As it turned out though, black people really know how to do manual labor. For my understanding and bravery, I was awarded the most delicious burger I had had in months.

Alright my little lions or lambs, until next time: Lindsey Lohan breaking probation is NOT news.

Day 81...War.

He ran to it because he thought it was a big penis a giant left behind that no one was using.

It is funny because they are not intel - li - gent.

Looks like the blacks have got some 'splainin' to do to the Jews...all this time, Hitler was black.

LOTWs: I use the same razor for my pubes and face because I just don't give a fuck. -Random person

A corndog is just a hotdog with a delicious sweater - Some guy's chalkboard on ESPN

I haven't updated THIS in a while. I've been busy doing stuff or not doing stuff so I haven't really been taking note of too much. I'm sure I'll get back into the swing of things soon, or not, who knows, really? I've been too busy writing everything funny into stand up jokes that this barely gets any content. Then again, I've also been writing a lot of jokes that I know are never going to get any stage time because they're not funny enough or just long anecdotes. Like this one: I finally watched my first episode of Law and Order: SVU. Although it should DEFINITELY be retitled Rape Victims Unit. I saw an episode where a chick gets raped, lets call her Rape Victim 1. Halfway through the rape she beats the fucking shit out of the guy and calls an ambulance for him, which I found both badass and extremely amusing. Anyways, when he wakes up in the hospital, he tells the cops "Oh, she wanted me to rape her" which I figured was probably true, but since it's still illegal, I knew it was going to have to be special circumstances. As it turned out, she DID want it...well, not in so many words, at least. Apparently, someone created an account as her on a sexual fantasy site and got a guy to rape her...and that "someone" turned out to be her stalker ex-boyfriend...who was raped his ENTIRE childhood (Rape Victim 2). Two rape victims that used to date, who knew rape and love could be so close to eachother...oh wait, I did.

Later, the judge of the case tells a cop that his children were kidnapped as...well, kids, and he eventually found out that they had been raped and killed and buried, along with almost 20 other kids, in places known only to the pervert (Who was also raped, so Rape Victim 3). When the pervert was later caught, he gave a very detailed description of everything...except the location of the bodies. Slowly, and one-by-one, he gave up the information to every child's body except the judge's son. The cop, suggested by the judge because he knew of his aggressiveness, tortures RV3 until her gets the location...and it turns out there was no body!! Hahaha, oh man, the judge was sooooo sad he disappeared for a couple weeks until the cops busted in his house and find that he killed RV2's father!! Here's the twist, RV2's father was the pervert who took him from the judge!! Meaning.....that RV2 was almost sentenced to life in jail by his own father! Oh, and the chick from the beginning, RV1? She's never seen again. They pretty much told the most innocent and undeserving person in the story to fuck off. Even better though, would you like to know how the Law and Order: SVU writers explain all this at the end? They don't, the credits pop up and it leads into something just as fucking absurd...kinda like this.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of The Boondocks, in fact, I'm about to get started on the 2nd season, and I've managed to catch some of the new ones...like the newest episode. This show is greatly(!) hilarious and awesomely animated. In the latest one, however, it spawned a hatred of "Old Niggas" that always be hatin'. In keeping with the war-themed animations up there and the title of this entry (Brain Penetration?), I will now be declaring war on Old Niggas around the world! I will not stand for the death of Bushido Brown:

...or as he's known in real life: Black Dynamite!

Hey! The next time you're in high school and have the strongest desire to go to Mexico and help smuggle immigrants into the US...Don't.

I recently found out Mardi Gras was originally in October, but was moved to February once October became Breast Cancer month...yeah, apparently scars don't get you any extra beads. Besides, no guy wants to throw beads they spent their child-support money on at women with Tits: Version 1 and a half.

I wonder how often Yoga instructors are approached by students after a session and ask them where to get the best dro...

A customer asked me during Sex and the City 2 if I was single. When I said yes, she asked me if working that movie was like working at an amusement park. I replied "Not really, it's more like a buffet." Basically, the women come out in droves, with each even more disposable and wet than the last. Every time the "Australian rugby players" came on screen I could feel the humidity in the theater triple, it was certainly an experience.

You know, sometimes I get really nerdy, pull out a calculator and figure out random math problems like:

• If I were to get 67 cents every time I caught a homeless guy attempt to defecate on a cat, I'd be almost 23 dollars richer!!
• If a baby fetus is basically the same size as a quarter, then the "life" of a fetus is worth about 25 cents...but once you factor in the amount of money it actually costs to raise it, abortion becomes a financial necessity!

I've been doing some thinking and I'm pretty sure getting Down's Syndrome is the way to go in life. I mean, think about it, you're always happy. It's not like you know you have the syndrome because even if someone wanted to tell you, you're lacking in so many brain functions that you wouldn't be able to understand it anyway. Also, your life expectancy is pretty low and chances are you'll end up dying long before any real or devastating shit can happen to you. The best part of all? You never have to worry about what to wear on a date!!

I don't think enough people have said "I sure picked a hell of a day to quit picking my nose." I would quite like to hear it in a dramatic context.

I think a good prank would be to get a couple sticks of Big Red gum, cut it into little pieces, put them inside someone's eye drops, shake it up, take out any solid pieces and watch as hilarity ensues.

Hey look!!: Google Chrome is faster than lighting!

Oh, and here's Werner Herzog narrating Where's Waldo:

Day 80

Hahahahahahahaha...she's a fat.

LOTW: Anne Frank was some lame dork who probably would've survived the holocaust if she'd given it up to the person who knew where her and her family were hiding... -Me, right now.

You know what I just noticed? I titled all these entries as a different day, but at the beginning of each one I have something called the "Line of the Week" and I only update this twice a month...NOTHING IN THIS BLOG MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE!!

Don't you love how excited and happy kids get when they realize their birthday is coming up? Me neither.

Normally, I'd let the punchline, the article in this case, speak for itself...but that's not happening with something as absurd as that. Lets begin with the standard What. The. Fuck?! Aside from me, what kind of parent sees an advertisement for that guy and his "services" and then decides to PAY HIM MONEY TO DO IT?! Where's the logic? First of all, you're wasting money. Instead of paying some guy to annoy your kid for a week, what you SHOULD be spending that money on is your kid's present, like a new set of nunchucks or throwing knives or some other weapon that could potentially save him from being attacked by a real evil clown. If there's one thing all scientists agree on, it's that you don't fuck around with evil clowns unless you're armed and willing to fight...and yes, that means 5 out of 5 doctors agree, not even the pussy hold-out from every toothpaste commercial can take on an evil clown by himself. Also, when you really get down to trass-backs, you quickly realize that this is all just really fucking wrong. Let me get this straight: As a parent, you want to willingly pay money out of your own pocket to have some stranger who enjoys dressing up in socially unacceptable costumes and texting creepy things to kids, to harass and terrorize your offspring so they can be scared out of their mind on their birthday, most likely in front of all of their friends?...and people STILL think abortion is "mean"? NO. FUCKING. SENSE. My favorite part of the article comes from the evil clown justifying his "business" by claiming "...most kids absolutely love being scared senseless." No. They don't. Kids love yelling, going fast, sugar, video games and boobies. End of story.

I don't understand why alcohol is legal and weed isn't. Unlike alcohol, weed has never been attributed to a guy hitting his girlfriends...it just reminds him how insignificant she is...

I'm going to release my new innovention today under the name: Grinder Jeans. These new jeans will be available everywhere for bar/club patrons who want to bring flirting to a whole new level.

• Women will have Grinder Jeans that are thinner, yet tighter buttocks area so guys can immediately know whether they have a genuine ass in front of them or just some conveniently placed cellulite. Also included will be a zipper that closely resembles that of a Ziploc bag because I have too many Ziploc bags, which leads me to my patented "rip 'em N fix 'em" design that is extremely convenient for the horny and impatient drunk/pothead.
• Mens will be considerably different. One side of the inner thigh will be thinner so girls can know you mean business, and the other will actually be thicker to prevent from getting over-aroused and let the reveal come to the other side whenever YOU are ready to make the switch. Also, the middle crotch are will be made of very flexible material so less chafing and "riding up" occurs, while still having a comfortable fit and being able to easily move your package from one side to the other as needed. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, each pair of jeans will have a small, hidden pocket for holding a small pack of condoms.
  
• Kids models will look like regular jeans except they'll have velcro instead of a zipper because kids love velcro and the crotch area. They will also include pockets on the inside so they can carry Gameboys, slingshots, rubber bands, bouncy balls, candy and other things they can use to cause trouble.
• All jeans will come in sizes that can only be worn by people who aren't fat. If I wanted fat people to wear my jeans, I would have made those massive pants all the fat, soulless kids wore in middle school, but I don't, so I didn't.
  

I must now present to you, the advantages of having a Dueling Legal System over our current one:

Like most of you know, I work at Studio Movie Grill, which is what happens when the baby from a shitty restaurant and a shitty movie theater contracts herpes that is ALWAYS flaring up. Anyways, when tickets are purchased for the next showtime of a film that is still playing, the customers are placed in one of three lines so the people who bought tickets first get into the theater first. Last week, Line 1 consisted of people going to Date Night, Line 2 was empty and Line 3 had people going to see the Tyler Perry movie...needless to say, when I walked in for my shift, I was convinced segregation had been legalized once again. Sadly, this was not the case. It's not my fault that the people who think Tyler Perry "movies" are watchable also happen to be the same people in police line-ups. If you want to be treated equally, you have to act equal.

Sometimes I wish I only dated fat chicks...but only because you can treat them like shit and they're just grateful to be with someone who rarely finishes all their food. Just kidding, I wouldn't let some fat chick eat my food. Before you begin to judge me harshly, think about it this way: eventually they're grow to hate me and force themselves to lose weight and look slightly attractive just to spite me. In other words, my actions will have produced another not-fat chick for the benefit of all not-fat guys in the area. It's a win-win! The only way there could even be a loser is if someone took the fatty's fat-feelings into account, but let's be real, fatties don't count as real people; therefore they don't have real emotions. Think about it, normal people talk their feelings out and fat people eat them away...which one is morally correct? Certainly not the one dealing with gluttony, or as it's more popularly known: one of the Seven Deadly Sins!! Put this all together and you get undeniable proof that fat people are going to hell, right with the jews, retards and gingers.

If you're not sure if you're fat or not, answer this question truthfully to find out: Have you ever finished masturbating and thought "Man, I really shouldn't be this tired?" If you answered yes, or didn't laugh while saying no immediately, then you. are. fat. leave. my. site. kthnx.

This is Mr. Stewart explaining the stupid South Park "fiasco" from the 201st episode:

and this is the unofficial music video to Pase Rock's fucking awesome song called: Lindsey Lohan's Revenge.