Day 62

Line of the Week: What time do you start throwing out donuts? -Tina Fey on 30 Rock

Let me begin by confirming that it is in fact my 21st birthday today. Being 21 means I can do all the shit I've been doing since middle school...except in public now...minus the masturbation.

While in my intriguing Biology class the other day, and on the one day I arrive late and have to sit next to some tall weird foreign kid, the blond girl next to me did an extraordinary thing. She managed to make the entire class think "What the fuck?" so hard you could feel it. As our professor was rambling on about nucleotides and proteins and whatnot, she interjects and says the following:
"This is kinda random, but I heard on the radio that Green Tea can prevent AIDS. Is that true?"
I actually choked on my water for a second before I realized that it was not a hallucination. This is America's future...maybe suicide isn't such a big sin after all...

I recently had a multicultural dinner, I ate Japanese food being cooked by a black person with white people who were talking about where to get the best Chinese food...which means I couldn't make ANY racist comments about anyone. Hell, there was a gay too, and he wasn't having any Milk jokes, so I just sat silently and made fun of the people with the ugly baby behind us...justice is served? No, but my Teryaki chicken was delicious.

I think people really need to stop using the word trifecta so much, it's retarded, overused and not funny...yeah, you thought I was gonna use it too, didn't you? If you did, you probably used it today and thought it sounded nice.

Like most of you peoples noes, I work at Studio Movie Grill, where we have food and shit. I'm the box office guy so I know what's selling and what isn't. That said, the only movie we got last weekend was Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail. How his movie makes more money than The Reader I'll never know...oh wait, because people are collectively retarded.

One thing I noticed was that we sold out all showings of Madea goes to Jail except the 4:30 showing and it took me a second to realize why, but then I remembered that the shifts at KFC and McDonalds don't end until. Also, I've recently completed this data:

Paul Blart : White Families
Madea Goes to Jail : Black Families
Meet the Spartans : Groups of Teenagers
The Jonas Brothers in 3D : Groups of Kids
---------------------------------------------
Conclusion - Anyone in a group with more than 3 people can be considered a full-retard, to the point that genocide is acceptable.

A friend of mine recently used the simile: Snore like a whale, and it got me thinking my usual thought-process which I will reveal only because it's my b-day:
Snores like a whale? whale's live underwater. water has no air. air is needed for sound to travel. you can't hear underwater. you can't be raped underwater because no one could hear you say no. How do water-dwelling animals make sound then? How does it go anywhere? Dory being able to talk whale was so bullshit. Finding Nemo was overrated, The Incredibles was better. Pixar's pretty badass. Cars was boring though. It almost put me to sleep. Do whales even snore?

My aunt needed me to take her to the doctor's office last week and I had to stop at the same intersection on the way back as I did on the way not back. The first time I had to shoo away some short Mexican guy because I didn't have any money...to waste...on him. Then, on the way back, he comes up to me again and calls me "bro" and asks if I had any money now. I let him know immediately that I didn't have any goddamn money to give to the Cholo Charity Fund and that if I did, I'd rather show it to him, get a Chocolate Overload Cake from Jack-In-The-Box and eat it in front of him. Granted, I was drinking out of my water bottle while I said it so he probably just heard "Nope, haha, no money this time, sorry!", but I think he got the message.

Due to the fucking insane movies I've been watching lately, I've been thinking a bit about death and I've decided that I want my ashes to be sprinkled in the margaritas of Studio Movie Grill so all the MILFs and divorcees can have me inside of them.

Sometimes I feel like I should meet up with all my readers and see what they're like. Then I check my traffic meter and see that people get to my site by searching this. Yeah, let's keep this relationship just like this...forever...please.

The Oscars happened and aside from some awesome disses towards the the financial miss of The Reader and Ben Stiller impersonating insane Joaquin Pheonix, they were pretty boring. A few sidenotes:

• Alan Arkin...you say Seymour Philip Hoffman one more goddamn time and I'll take your undeserved Oscar from your wrinkly old fingers, you hear me?
• Jessica Biel and Tilda Swinton: What. The Fuck?
• Jack Black, tonight marks the first time you've actually made me laugh out loud.
• Fuck you, AMPAS!
  

That's it for me this time around, wish me a happy birthday, although it doesn't matter because I'm always happy regardless, and I'll leave you with these:

Day 61

So does Dumbledore...

Line of the Week: What time do you start throwing out donuts? -Liz Lemon on 30 Rock


There was no update last week, I was probably busy or under the influence or watching another movie...I was probably just watching actor interviews on YouTube though.

While at Quiznos last week, I stole 51 cents from someone. I say someone because it was in the automatic change tray and I didn't get the plasure of physically taking it from them. It was nifty and all, but because it was the mistake of someone else and not my personal sneakiness or even deviousness, it didn't have that same rush or excitment behind it. It felt wrong to receive money without taking it away from someone...don't get me wrong though, I still took it and it's in my car right now, but it just doesn't feel as right as it should.

During an intruiging and VERY late-night conversation I had with some friends, we decided that the biggest thing missing from Twilight, among many, many, many, many others, was the lack of the main character being a badass. Now I'm not talking about the ugly chick who can't act, I'm talking about the brosef who can't act. What they need to do is replace Robert Patterson with Clint Eastwood. Can you even begin to imagine how many lonely teenage girls and lonely older women would purchase a black emo shirt with the line "Get off my lawn, Jacob" on the front? They'd sell like fucking Pokemon cards, and not the new ones, I'm talking about the originals with Bulbasaur, Scyther, Dragonite, Hunter and Charizard.

It's no secret that January and February are ALWAYS a shit month for movies because they're the dumping ground for movies the studios know aren't any good. There's always one exception (Cloverfield, Taken, etc.) but usually there's only crap that attracts people with the IQs so low you wonder how they're able to feed themselves or reproduce correctly.

Last weekend(?), we received Inkheart and Underworld 3 (Yeah, I know), which brought children, which are essentially miniature retarded people, and fat, grotesque people-like beings that looks like they haven't left their parents' basement in months...and Houston doesn't even have basements! The worst part is the fatties. Oh man, they come in ready to order two full meals with dessert and always complain about their food not having enough grease. Plus, they're the only people who whine about having to walk to the back of the theater...which is maybe a difference of 30 steps. You may think I'm kidding or exaggerating but I've seen and heard it happen at LEAST a hundred times since I've started working there.

I genuinely believe that if there were anthropomorphic tomatoes alive, they would tell us that they prefer to be carried from location to location by goats. Not only that, they have the type of personality that would request to be held in bushels and round baskets as opposed to crates. Don't they seem like the kind to say stuff like that?

I was on Facebook today and noticed that they were giving away a free "gift" that was basically a card saying Thanks. I don't know if this is some sort of mass subliminal advertising to be more conformist to their ways, but it sure seems nice. In accordance to their request, I gave myself thanks for being me and always being there when I needed myself, regardless of how angry I, or myself, were. Don't believe me? Check out the screen cap I took of myself:

Beat that mofos!

As I type this, I'm sitting in my Business Computer blahblahblah class and half-listening to my professor explain to us the values of bits, bytes, kilobytes and so on. She just said that each bit is essentially a single character and asked us how many bites are in the word "LOVE," to which I stated to the people around me "None, because it doesn't exist." Good times for all...this class is dull and uninspired. If I were to give it a review I would give it no stars out of five and then proceed to do what normal people do and read Maureen Down articles from The New Yorker and Liebovitz photographs from Vanity Fair.

I saw Push last night at a screening at AMC 30 on Dunvale and Westheimer which, if you live in Houston, know that it is NOT a good theater to EVER go to. I could say "I saw a movie with a bunch of uneducated and ignorant minorities" and it would convey the exact same sentiments. Aside from the screening being sponsored by 97.9 The Box (A local rap station), posters, shirts and cups were given out by way of a mini scavenger hunt where the DJs called out the following items: Red lipstick, a blue pen and socks with holes...which translates to any person who can't afford new socks. They didn't even ask any movie trivia...dicks.

Yes, they asked for socks with holes in them, I'm not making that up...

That's about all I can conjure up for now, but look for more ridiculous nothings coming up next week! Here's the remixed version of Christian Bale cussing out the DP of Terminator Salvation:

No Update This Week

No update this week, I'm still too pissed about the following item to think about anything else:

(Click the Picture...)

Fucking AMPAS...




Oh, and before I forget:

Buttholes.

Day 60

I said it once and I'll say it again, woman are more shallow than men...

Line of the Week: Well I like aggressive women with a nerdy vibe... -A midget on 30 Rock

As if the existence of MTV wasn't bad enough, my sister thinks it's awesome to watch The City (Like The Hills, but the chick somehow manages to have an even fatter face than the other one) whenever she comes home from school. As I was looking for nude pictures of Mary-Louise Parker I glanced over to the TV and saw this exchange occur in a club:

Fat-Faced Girl's Friend: So what sign are you?
Guy Who Likes Fat Chicks Because They're on TV: Uhhhh.......Gemini (Smile)
FFGF: Like, aren't you, like, supposed to, like, be, like, two-faced and devious?
GWLFCBTOT: (Jokingly) Yeah
FFGF: Oh... (Facial Expression: This isn't gonna work out...)
Fat-Faced Girl: Hmmm (Facial Expression: Oh no, you're right.)
Me: I actually can't feeling my penis anymore...

The something annual Golden Globes happened last week and because I only focused on the film portion I got 10/14 correct...there's no joke here, just bragging about my brain-grapes.

I started school again on Monday, which is why I didn't update sooner, so here's the rundown of classes right meow:

Trigonometry
I've got an Indian teacher made a pun about planes...I don't know, maybe it's just me, but when one of them brown people talk about anything metal in the air it makes me uncomfortable, she's lucky I no longer have Cheney on speed dial or she would've been outta there faster than you could say "Derka Derkastan." Oh, and I also have two crippled chicks in my class, they're not attractive or anything, but they think just because they suck at sports and drunk driving I have to hold the door open for them, and get pissed when I don't...fucking whores.

Biology
Another Desi instructor, this one with a heavier accent and better sense of humor though. She made us meet the person to our right and left and since I already knew the one on the left, I was pleased to know that the girl on my right was just as uninteresting as I had imagined, don't you love it when stuff like that happens? It's like having exact change at Jack-In-The-Box or something. Then we went to the lab where we I saw that a girl from my Speech class during the summer (Ya'll remember that, right?) was also in this class. While making her laugh I managed to get a fantastic and almost intentional view of her cleavage...if she didn't have a kid and a waist that made her skirt stretch I would be all up on that.

Haha, just kidding, stretch marks and offspring aint my thing.

BCIS
This class is ridiculously fun and easy (Fun-Y?), we had to make a three-slide PowerPoint Presentation about our dream job. Then, we had to write on the discussion board to introduce ourselves and post a reply on the intros of at least two other classmates...yeah. There was one mildly kinda-cute chick in that class and even though she sat next to me on the first day, it turns out she dropped the class before the second day, lucky bitch.

History of Film
I was super fucking excited about this class because everyone knows as much, and more, about film as I do. Granted, I had to sit between the socially-rejected-fat-goth chick and annoyingly-arrogant chick with a deep voice on the first day, but nothing too bad...although I did want to choke the life out of the latter when she said that 2001: A Space Odyssey was the worst film ever made. Oh, and almost everyone there also thinks Crash and Forrest Gump were extremely overrated...thank Pesci.

While I was working on Sunday, some chick who I didn't know asked me if I went to Cy-Falls and that if I had been in choir, confused by her accuracy I replied that I did and had been. She laughed, told her friend that she knew she knew me from somewhere, took the tickets and went to watch their movie. A few hours later a coworker tells me she texted him to give me her number so that I could text her. Being in the mood for some potential comedic situations and only being able to remember she wasn't fat, I agreed to this proposition and texted her.

I regretted this decision immediately.

I made fun of a girl I met in my winter mini-mester class about how she's had stalkers, but it appeared that the joke was now on me. This girl texted me more in those four hours than I usually text in an entire day, hell, she even texted me a "hey good morning" message at 6:47 in the fucking morning on my first day of school. Honestly, who the fuck texts someone they haven't even met anytime before noon? She doesn't know my schedule and woke me the fuck up before I was even planning to get up. She didn't stop for the remainder of the week....until last night.

I sent out a mass text message that I was going to see Defiance and that whoever wanted to come with was welcome to join me and she was down for it. Luckily, so had two other pairs of people, so it wouldn't be a date (She's in fucking high school and looks like it). Not 20min. before I was about to leave my house, one pair canceled and so did my friend's date. I reluctantly left my house with my friend and when she told me her aunt had had a heart attack three hours ago (Or was it three heart attacks one hour ago?) and that she couldn't go, I thanked Morgan Freeman for looking out for me. Right as I passed where we would've met up though, she calls me to let me know she can come after all...fuck. I drive back to get her and when I pull in and she sees my friend in the car, she gives the most fantastic face ever...in every imagination of the word, it was perfect.

We get to the screening super late and decide to watch Slumdog Millionaire instead, my third time, with the group of Jews who didn't make it in either (First they were locked in dark, cold rooms and now they aren't allowed in! Oh, the irony!) and go back to Studio Movie Grill so I can get her back to her car. Instead, I decide to eat and while I say hi to everyone, she simply sits down next to me and says NOT A FUCKING THING. Never in the mood to play games with girls I'm not interested in I proceed to have some of the most ridiculously fun conversations with the seven other people I know at the bar. She eventually tells me she's gotta go, so I walk her to her car, give her a hug, take my sweater back and return to my waiting pizza at the bar. After texting me twice that she had a good time (I never replied to either one) I finish my meal and go to sleep.

The next day (last night) she starts asking if we would ever hang out again, to which I reply "Ya." After some more questions about what movie I'm watching (The Hours), if I wanted to go to a choir concert (No) and why I don't like to see movies with a lot of people (They make sound), she finally asks me if I would ever date her, this is what I sent:

Oooh, you don't wanna ask me that. I've NEVER planned ahead far enough to be able to give an honest answer, I prefer to do it spontaneous, on the fly. Plus, I've only had like 3 relationships because they're not my thing, I'm too young and ambitious to have a single girl...I mean, I'd date you but I would never promise exclusivity.

What does that mean? I have no fucking clue, I just threw a bunch of cliche responses together because she was interrupting my movie enough already. She hasn't texted me since then. If I used emoticons, I would put a big motherfucking smiley face here...girls are weird.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should find the movie Oldboy and watch it. It has incest, rape, stabbing, torture, mind games, imprisonment, revenge, guns, angel wings, beatdowns and an awesome score...oh, and it's in Korean so you won't actually feel bad about any of it.

I was reading the Houston Chronicle a couple days back and saw a tip for those participating in an upcoming marathon: Drink water before the race! It took a colorful box the size of a mouse pad to convey this oh-so-helpful advice to any runners, you know, in case they all had anterograde amnesia. It's absurd, like if I was going to run that marathon and while walking down the street someone came up to me and asked if I was going to run the marathon and warned me to "NOT each Wendys every day before it, it would not be a good idea." Newspapers really need to work on the shit they're saying, then again, if they did that we wouldn't get films like Citizen Kane and State of Play and whatnot.

I haven't done any stand up in almost four months, but I haven't written anything new either so I suppose it's all for the best. To be honest, I really wouldn't wanna go up on some random stage and be like "So I was, masturbating the other day and, uh, I came much sooner than I intended and I had to wash my mom's silk robe again...she's gonna kill me." That's stupid shit, that belongs on here, not on stage. This paragraph is more for me than for you, so you can just skip this, watch the video below and pretend like I wrote something fucking hilarious here...douche.

I think that's enough for this week, I'll probably get some more material this weekend when I work since we're getting Paul Blart, Hotel for Dogs (Emma Roberts = Hottest barely lega celeb since Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and My Bloody Valentine...so it'll pretty much be idiots, stupid families and fucking retards...and that's excluding all the blacks I'll have to avoid to see Notorious this weekend. I'll probably just wake up early and go to a noonish showing since we all know how lazy they are. Until next week, remember, One hand in the bush means you're like, an inch, from her vagina.