Day 79

No, but it'll make you grow big and strong so you can stop being such a bitch about swallowing...

LOTW: Tiger's Got Wood -The name of some porn that parodies the world's most famous half-black half-something-asian guy who also happens to be good at golf.

This update is going to be a bit different from the previous ones only because I wrote very little of this. Instead, there's just a shitload of links to things I've found in the past week and a half that have made me say to myself "People need to see this. Also, I need to stop talking to myself." Without further ado, get your mouse-3 button ready to open some tabs because here we (you) go!

You know how kids do the darndest things? Well, there's a girl from Portland that...well...let's just say that if there was a competition for a kid doing the darndest thing, she. Would. Win.

I don't understand this whole craze for not wearing shoes on April 8th. If I was a kid who had never had shoes in my entire life and then I found out that people with many good pairs of shoes were just leaving them at home and wasting their potential, I would be confused, angry, insulted, saddened and offended that someone would be that fucking stupid. So this April 8th -Your death, do the right thing and WEAR. YOUR. FUCKING. SHOES. Besides, your feet are absolutely disgusting, so if you don't wear shoes for yourself, at least do it for everyone that's going to have to see your feet for the rest of the day, you inconsiderate douche.

Would you like a blow job by Hillary Duff? ME TOO! Here's how you do it, because apparently its easy, all you need to do is propose to her and you get this!

Here's an interesting little letter to a lady who thinks that homosexuality is an abomination, when in reality it's just gross. Anywhoozle, the guy who wrote it decided to use her sacred over-detailed brochure against her, resulting in this. I mean, the bible saying we're not allowed to own people?! That's ridiculous! I mean, that's like saying that every person in history like Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and your great-grandfather are all in hell...oh wait, they are. You white people and your shitty decisions.

If you watch Rambo backwards, it's Sylvester Stallone healing people with his magical bullet vacuum.

Do you like baco-of course you fucking like bacon, everyone likes bacon. Well, do you also love Star Wa-of course you like Star Wars, everyone that's not black loves Star Wars and I don't know any black people who can spell "blog," much less use a computer. so I don't expect any angry emails written with Caps Lock on. Anyways, enough racist tangents. As Liam Neeson would say: RELEASE THE BACON AT-AT!!

For those of you that STILL don't follow me on Twitter, you may not know that I recently became an official member of PETA (People for the Eating of Tender Animals).

This next link is my favorite one of all, well, second to the Link of Hyrule, because it's something that totally makes sense on my level of intensity. I'm not even going to explain it because the article has an excerpt which does the job so much better than I could ever hope to do:

"A flexible polyurethane condom-like tube that fits into the woman's body.... Rows of jagged plastic hooks line the inside of the tube — bent backward like teeth in a shark’s mouth — and lodge in a perpetrator's penis upon entry."

That's right...let it sink in. Ok, here's the link to the article. Now that your mind and penis have officially been blown, let's discuss this. It's basically a backwards condom, because the last thing that can be considered is "safe." Let me begin by saying that I whole-heartedly approve of this being sold to women everywhere, hell, if I go to prison I'll probably end up getting myself a case or 18 (If you know what I look like, you know I would be like a sex doll in prison). Despite this being awesome, however, I can't get into the mindset of how this would be applicable by a woman. I mean, do you put it in at the start of the day? How do you do it without hurting your finger or ruining a perfectly good banana/cucumber/glass-coke-bottle (I don't judge)? How does your mind process that? Do you take it out of the package, kiss it for good luck and say "I hope you come out empty today!" What if she's dating a guy from a sketchy part of town and they're about to have sex? Does she have to say "Wait, hold on, I need to take out my shark-toothed-ant-rape-condom out before you rip my vagina a new hole..."

Here's an interesting social aspect of this product though: A woman putting it in all day means she thinks she might be raped at any given point in her day, and if that's the case, she should worry less about what's going into her vagina and more into living in a better zip code. going back to my first point though, what if you're in Walgreens because CVS is gay and you see an ugly woman buy a pack of them? Do you give her the patronizing look I give fat guys when they buy condoms that says "Yeah, I'm totally sure you're gonna need all of those. Have fun with your video camera and loneliness for the next 6 hours, let me know how hard the EMS people laugh when you fuck it up." I think they should sell a 30-pack for hot women, and have it include a shirt that says DONT FUCK ME OR YOUR DICK WILL BLEED!! and under that, in smaller text, have it say (Unless I say it's A-OK!).

Fuck vampires and werewolves, I'd rather be a whenwolf and travel through time every full moon as Michael J. Fox.

This isn't funny, just nerdy. Some guy created a real life version of the famous computer system from the film adaptation of Iron Man, the one and only: JARVIS.

Why isn't "Color me gay because I'm going Gaga for [Awesome thing here like time machine or the next Zelda game]" a more popular phrase?

I couldn't pick which video I enjoyed more so I'm posting both of them, here you have 2 people fighting for the same job (In THIS economy?! How current!) and in the second one you have a family that loves Ellen Degeneres...except their angry, angry father:

Day 78

This is what Devastator should've looked like if Michael Bay wasn't such a stupid douche...

LOTW: She had sex for, like, cheeseburgers -Maddie talking about a girl from high school

Bonus LOTW: She smells like Sexicrombie & Bitch -Me describing a customer at work


This entry will begin with the single most useful video I will ever post on here:


It's not secret that it's April Fools today and guess what I decided to do? Nothing. Just kidding, I'm not wearing any underwear. Why? Because it feels fucking great outside...hell, almost TOO great. So much that I'm convinced, and if you live in Houston, I'm sure you will be too, that this awesome weather is god's April Fools prank on Houston for the shit we're gonna get the rest of the year...prick.

I wish I was better at drawing so I could make a comic strip where in one post, a guy eats a girl out using the sound "Om nom nom nom nom nom" and then have an audio file of me actually doing it**.

So summer is right around the corner, then again, so are prostitutes but no one ever mentions them. I'm actually kind of excited because it will allow me to continue my long-standing tradition of going swimming with a faux-hawk and pretending I'm a shark with a full head of hair AND an attitude problem.

There's a picture on the internet that promotes America through its badassness. Most people think it can't be topped. I beg to differ. Kill you in your sleep on Christmas during wartime? How about we kill a few random people and psychologically destroy an entire town in France using LSD-spiked bread...FOR FUN?! This is why regardless of how fucked up the government and the super-rich are, at least my shitty day consists of a day when I go to Jack in the Box not 2min from my house and they accidentally give me mayo on my burger and not something like a fellow countryman decided to blow up my school to prove his point.

In case you're wondering, you haven't lived until you've watched Precious with a joint.

There are times when I lay awake in bed thinking: If my fridge COULD run away, how fast would it be? Would I be able to jog up to it and stop it or would I need a vehicle to cut it off? I mean, what if someone calling you and telling you your refrigerator was running was a serious problem and was a situation that had to be dealt with IMMEDIATELY? I assume it would be common to have some sort of GPS tracking device installed in all fridges just in case. Would black fridges run away a lot more often than white or beige ones? Maybe they'd run away based on how you treat them or how old they are, I imagine a refrigerator being 6 years old is like being a teenager so they'd always be trying to leave and hang out w/the sexy new ones down the street...then again, how would they know there are new ones down the street in the first place? What if they'd run away based on the kind of food you put in them and you get a fridge that HATES your favorite food like chicken pot pies, milk, eggs, chorizo, Coke Classic or Sunkist? Oh man, that would fucking suck, you'd have to chain that mofo down...unless it'd be illegal or something because of RAPE (Refrigerator Alliance for the Purpose of Emancipation).

Did you know that dipping your finger into Honey-BBQ sauce and then licking it off tastes amazing? Did you know that doing it for 47 consecutive minutes can make your mouth taste delicious? I do.

Sometimes I think I would be funnier if I was driving stoned and had a hit-and-run resulting in the death of 3 middle schoolers and me getting away with it. Maybe murder is the key to great comedy...or maybe I'm actually so hungry I'm willing to kill something and/or someone to get some food.

I was in my Child Psych class a few days ago and we were watching some PBS special-type-video with Alan Alda and a lady asked a kid "What's in the box?" so I replied (for all to hear), "Gwyneth Paltrow's head!" and only ONE other person in the class got it...if people were more well-rounded I wouldn't have such a big ego. (See what I did with the formatting there?)

Question: How often has the phrase "I love adultery as much as the next girl, but he's been getting a lot of uglies..." been said?
Answer: Not enough.

Lost would be better (read: Good) if they added Blue from Blue's Clues to help make sense of it all. Also, I wish I could have a relationship with a girl just like the one between the writers of Lost and everyone who's not a writer on Lost so that I could just write/say/do whatever I wanted to without any purpose or consequence.

If I moved to California and had a gajillion dollars, I would open up a hybrid supercenter of the following stores...all in one convenient building:

• Half-Price Books
• Jack-in-the-Box
• KFC
• Weed Dispensary
• Gamestop
• Gallery Furniture
• Any mass-beer-brewery
• Also, it would have nothing but my iTunes playing

Would you visit me and/or be a regular customer? I thought so.

Well that's it for me, I really need to start getting a 6 minute set together for Houston's Funniest Person Contest in a couple weeks. Until next time, remember this: Don't be such a Laydown Larry!

**Not an audio file of me making the noise, but of me eating a girl out WHILE I make the noise.




That video had NOTHING to do with the last thing I wrote.

Day 77

Have fun with your iPad with wings...I can upgrade my RAM and video card. Can you?

LOTW: Hello, fully articulating, five-function robot...that can read my mind...and has feelings. - Phil from Modern Family.


An example of what NOT to tell someone when they present you their newborn child for the first time: "Eh, I guess this was about what I was expecting..."

I don't care what studies say, dating someone named Albert or Alberta makes you just as ugly as the name.

If Star Wars occurred a long, long time ago, then aren't all Star Wars geeks historians who have never seen a vagina?...so just historians?

Let's be honest, when it comes to picking majors, it's pretty goddamn easy:
Business - I want to make money.
Marketing - I want to make money regardless of ethics and morals.
Science - I want to create new things.
History - I made a language by mixing Gaelic and Klingon! Wanna hear me use it in a cover of Green Tambourine?


...no, actually...No. I don't. At all.

Want a fun fact? If a guy finds out a girl he knows is surprisingly slutty, he gets an erection and goes for it...but if a girl finds out a guy she's talking to is actually kind of a player, telling them they're your favorite vagina turns into one of those things that sound better in your head.

I went to the movies last week, which is not the surprising part since I do that all the time, but what's worth noting is that both me and my date went to the restroom after the movie. Not together mind you, she was being a bitch about that, but separately, like the insecure couples you see all the time. What's interesting is that, while women always take forever in private restrooms, is that they almost always beat the guys in public ones. It's like when three friends go pee at the same time and it becomes a little competition of who can be done the quickest...unless you've been drinking, in which case it turns into who can pee the longest without breaking the stream.

Is it weird that this gives me a full hard-on? Didn't think so.

I went to a screening of Matthew Vaughn's Kick-Ass last week and had the pleasure of waiting in line amid many nerds and virgins smelling of loneliness and Mountain Dew. The film was great and I'm sure everyone will love it, but like any other movie that's an adaptation, don't read/watch the source material because, like every other film adaptation with only a few exceptions, the new adaptation won't live up to the original. Sorry kids, but life is like this because God hates every one of us...equally though.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I look up at my ceiling and have random thoughts like these:

• Sure, 7 ate 9...but no one ever talks about why 4 Five'd 6. What did 6 do to deserve such sneaky fratboy-praise from 4? Maybe 6 actually killed 9 and hid her under a 10t and framed 7. How is no one else worried about this. Someone needs to get 5, Hyphen and 0 together and figure this shit out. NINE IS DEAD AND NO ONE IS DOING A FUCKING THING!!
• I wonder how many girls have been giving head and have sneezed on the guy's penis because their pubic hairs tickled their nose...
• If keyboards that you can feel are called tactile keyboards, then aren't touch-screen keyboard just fucking annoying?
• Seriously, someone find out what the fuck 6 was doing on the night of 9's death...and don't let 4 leave town...she knows something.
  

If one more person asks me if/how I've never paid for sex, I'm going to go fucking insane. First of all, yes, you give the hooker the money up front and fuck her. Then, you kill her using a hatchet or a knife you have concealed inside your pants/shoes. Anything silent that won't leave too much of a mess. Then you just wrap her up in a bedsheet and burn her ass and throw her in the trash. Why? BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT DEAD HOOKERS. So no, I've never lost any amount of cash before/during/after any sexual encounter. God damn it, I hate repeating myself.

Did you know that if you pause the Up in the Air DVD as Vera Farmiga's ass comes on screen...you can masturbate for an infinite amount of time?

I'd like to genuinely apologize to everyone who has ever read my blog for not posting this sooner because I found this MONTHS ago and for some reason or another, simply forgot to embed it at the end of a post. So, without further ado, I present to you, the Symphony of Science (Shane, this one's for you...but not like that):

It's my birthday...

All sandwich bags should look like this...fucking thieves.

...and I'll post whenever the fuck I want to. Maybe this week before Friday? Maybe next week. We'll see...and by "we" I actually mean "me."

Off topic for a second (Because that NEVER happens on here), has anyone ever had blue balls accompanied by persistent flatulence? It sucks when it's cold outside so you have to let them go inside your car and it smells so wrong...but feels so goddamn right. Maybe it's just me...