Day 51

Amen.

Line of the Week: I'm so left-wing I'm Korean -Me...kinda.

Before I begin typing the next paragraph thing I need to mention that I have an announcement.

I have an announcement:
I tried out for a Comedy Night at Lone Star and I got it, it's November 11th at 7pm at Lone Star, room CENT 135. Here's the Facebook Page for more info...oh, and it's free.

So the Presidential debates happened last week or something...so that's cool I guess. I could talk about them but I didn't watch them, instead I decided to watch reruns of House. Why reruns? I can't remember...oh yeah, it was because the debates canceled the new episode of House for the week...assholes. I did manage to catch a minute though, between a set of boring commercials. John McCain said we went into Somalia as peacemakers and all I could think is "...he's obviously never seen Black Hawk Down, because we went into Somalia as badass mofos...and Orlando Bloom died."

Wednesday I went to Jason's Deli with Nicole and Aaron and while we were eating outside a lady pulls up to a handicapped spot and parks in it and walks out of my line of site. Dumbfounded, I say "What the fuck? That lady wasn't even crippled!" Then she walks back into my line of site whilst holding a baby, and I immediately, without thinking, say "Oh...well maybe her baby' is handicapped." Stupid? Yes, but it was hilarious at the time because, technically, aren't all babies handicapped? Besides, strollers are just really comfy wheelchairs. Now every time I see a baby, I imagine them trying to walk with the help of a pair of 6 inch tall crutches.

Afterwards, Aaron goes to work and Nicole and I hit up Barnes and Noble's for a bit, only to find out that they completely changed the layout of the entire store. While I was in the self-help section looking for the philosophy section all I could think is that I needed self-help book on how to navigate through new Barnes and Nobles layouts. After walking around for a bit, I passed the religion section and paused when I noticed a few things.
They have three Christianity Bibly Sections:

1. Travel Bibles for the Christian on-the-go.
2. Bible Bibles for the Stationary Christian.
3. Study Bibles for the Uneducated Christian that can't read comprehensively.

They also have a Manga Bible, where Jesus is a Ninja...there's part where the image shows Jesus giving/throwing a bunch of stuff at someone and the line, that's obviously straight from the real Bible, is "...and he let it rip!" Don't believe I actually saw it? Click here for a credible documentation of this event.

The next day, before my Sociology class, that ended up being canceled, I had this interesting conversation with this chick from the class. I wish I could make this up but it's true and definitely beating the time I convinced a friend I was Jewish, or convincing a friend at Texas Tech that midgets weren't real (She's a communications major so it doesn't technically count).

Anyways, she was like 17 or something anddefinitely looked like the type that believed Jurassic Park was based on a true story. We were talking about cars and whatnot and I told her that the carborator breaks down the carbs in gasoline. She initially refused to believe this but then I laid told her that that's why it was called a carb-orator, and that the transmission breaks down the Trans Fat in gasoline. She started laughing like it might be silly but I decided to press on. The next line I fed her I was particularly proud of: "Yeah, you know how ethanol is made purely from corn? Well corn, and the oil used in gasoline, also comes from the ground, which is littered with carbohydrates and trans fat and it creates the energy for our cars." She believed it for about 30 seconds when she began to ask her friend about it and between the ensuing spurts of laughter I told her I was joking.

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In my history class today, we talked about Imperialism and Nationalism, neither of which are interesting, but my responses to my professor's questions caused laughter from him and the students:
Question: What had American's invested in that made them want to annex Hawaii?
My Answer: T-Shirts with flowers on them?

Question: What nationwide common bond makes us all Americans?
My Answer: Miley Cyrus.

I'll leave you with this because it reminds me of myself when I was younger...

Wait, scratch that, I was trying to decide what video to leave you with, but then I remembered this is my website and I can post whateva I wantz, so I'll actually be leaving you with another Jake and Amir video:

DID YOU KNOW...that I have three politic-related items in this entry? Because I totally does.

Day 50

This is why I'm a Marketing major...

Line of the Week: I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you. -Dwight Schrute


Well look at this, it's my 50th official update...I guess that means I'm allowed to be disrespectful to cops, mix business with pleasure and start my own church and/or cult. I'm not sure which one I'll do first, it's a tough decision, but maybe I'll just eat some shrooms out in the desert and see what the powers-that-be think.

While Anne Hathaway was on Letterman, she forgot what her clip from Rachel Getting Married was about and said that she brain fart, but CBS wasn't having none of that and actually censored it by changing the captions to say "brain freeze." At least I can still watch not-so-subtle racism and stereotyping from my favorite Disney films.

HEB was the name of my destination on Thursday, and while I was in the express lane, you know, for those who live in the fast lane, I picked up some random magazine with Uma Thurman on the cover. Behind it however, was another magazine that had Halle Berry or some other black actress on the cover, which was like a bug zapper to the black lady in front of me. She grabbed the magazine, set it down on the conveyor belt, flipped (not even skimming) through a few pages and decided to buy it...which was illustrated when she put back her bottle of cooking oil. That's right, she had to choose between cooking her family dinner and reading up on the newest Tyler Perry piece of crap, and she ended up choosing the latter.

Thursday night I went to see Blindness, the new film by Fernando Merielles (City of God, The Constant Gardener), starring Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo. Before the film, I read that the National Federation of the Blind (or something similar) was going planning on boycotting the film on the basis of it being offensive, as described by, get this, "some blind patrons who had seen it." First of all, you didn't "see" it, you heard it, and secondly, how many blind people actually go to movie theaters? It's like a deaf person going to a concert, or an amputee entering a swimming competition...there's really no point...then I saw the film. I won't actually review it, but let's just say I was squirming in my seat because of how bad it was, it actually made me envy the blind because they wouldn't have to remember seeing this horrendous "movie" as I did. If you watch this movie and enjoyed it, I'll think less of you as a person...which I'm considering making into a post on The Reel Truth sometime this month.

If you're reading this and wondering to yourself if you're a man or not, here's a quick guide that may help you answer that question.

Friday however, was a completely different story. In the morning after class, I had a weird conversation with some friends and it eventually got around to how we slept. We came to one conclusion, although they may lie about it in front of girls (So they can imagine them in that way), guys don't sleep naked. It's just something you don't do. Who wants their penis just hanging and flapping around at night? Also, sleeping naked deprives you of having a textile layer of protection between you and your bed if you have a wet dream. Messy boxers? 2min. fix and you're back asleep. Messy mattress? Either you find somewhere else to sleep and wash it the next day or you'd better get used to sleeping in your own cum. See? Not a pleasent experience, but a notable observation.

Afterwards, I went home, took a nap, grabbed some McDonalds (Chicken Nuggets) and went to Taylor's house. We chilled there with a couple of friends, watching The Office and talking about politics, religion and whatever else you're not "supposed" to talk about, and then headed off to the movie theater. We went and saw How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, which confirmed my previous allegations that Kirsten Dunst and Megan Fox aren't attractive and can't act (MTV Movie Awards are already being made with their name on them), studios are idiots if they think that sticking Simon Pegg into a terrible American comedy will produce success and that Gillian Anderson is indeed, delicious and a good actress. Then we snuck into Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, which was MUCH better, and even though Michael Cera is starting to get annoying by playing the same person in every movie, film makers refuse to use Kat Denning's 34 DDs to their advantage. We went to Denny's after that and ended up talking outside for over an hour, having pretty healthy conversations...and you know what they say about healthy conversations.

What could I possibly leave at the end of my 50th update that would ensure laughter? Oh wait, this:

Not laughing? Well you're an idiot, but have no fear, Jake and Amir are here:

Day 49

Mac and Jeep owners get the same response: Grow up, get a real job and get yourself a PC you fucking hipsters...

Line of the Week: Social Darwinism is about how can get it on the most -My history teacher

So I'm going to get a job. What? Yeah, I know, and it's going to be at a movie theater (Studio Movie Grill) so that I can cause system errors and make sure to avoid anyone that voluntarily buys a ticket to Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Fireproof, Monsters Vs. Aliens, An American Carol or Bolt...because anyone who buys a ticket to those movies was already going to call it the "best movie ever" beforehand.

On Friday, immigration in the 1900s was the topic for History class, and when the political cartoons started showing up, racism began to be prevalent, accepted and humorous. Most people couldn't figure out Dutch stereotypes (Wooden shoes, retards) so I had to make those calls and one of my favorite instances was when a large negro fellow behind me saw a four leaf clover and said "One of those lucky plant things", to which I sarcastically replied "One of those lucky plant things? Is that the technical term for it" which finally got the class laughing for the first time this damn semester. Oh, and when a picture of a Chinese rapist was shown I said that it "looks like one of them chinamen...you know, because of the raping..." this only caused laughter in me. I think everyone has pegged me as That Racist Guy.

Here's one thing I don't get: midget's and comedy. Ever since I've been a kid I've found those little things more of an annoyance than the opposite. They're not funny, Mini-Me wasn't funny in Austin Powers or The Love Guru, midget jokes aren't funny and the only kind of miniature talking bipeds I wanna see are Jawas and Smurfs. Now I'm not saying all of them need to get out of any spotlight that I could happen to see, just the ones that didn't play R2D2 or Willow...the rest need to get out of my films and go back to wrestling dogs or whatever it is they do.

I went to an early screening of Choke on Thursday night with Dan and ended up getting a bunch of free posters and coasters. The film was great, I have a review on The Reel Truth and afterwards we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and I was blessed to see a waitress lift up her uniform to scratch her fat roles. Then, three really ghetto black guys sat down at a table next to us and as I watched them silently from the shadows of my table, they began to be a bit rowdy and laughed like most black guys laugh by not actually laughing, but instead just making a sound that could only be described as somewhere between a hack and cackling giggles. This wasn't funny by itself however, the best part was that all three were drinking fruity alcoholic drinks out of margarita glasses. I quickly flipped through the drink menu and found that they were drinking Berry Margaritas...probably while rhymin' bout dem hoes.

Afterwards, I went home and caught up on The Office season premier and the two new It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes. They were great, hilarious and if you're not watching them you're missing out on a part of life that will always be kept in the dark for you...you're basically destroying any chance of happiness you may have at this time.

I was thinking about the myth of the Sandman and how he sprinkles sand on people to make us have dreams, and what I want to know is how he makes us have wet dreams...what kind of sad is that perverted mofo using?

The next day, I watched Eagle Eye and then went to Dan's house for his birthday thing. To make a mildly short story even more mildly short; over 30 Chicken McNuggets went in my mouf and we watched Diary of the Dead, which had a mute Amish man who stabs himself with a scythe...no joke. When I went home I found my parents and my uncle talking about the abuse of help after hurricanes. My mom started going off saying all sorts of hateful things like "It's terrible, people like us are working for their money while they get a FEMA card and buy alcohol whithout having to do anything fo it" to which I replied, "Yeah, but they're black...so who's really winning here?".

This is the ONLY Spike Lee related video I will ever post, and only because it has Edward Norton with the best Fuck You Speech in all existence:

Day 48

Yet another way to solve Childhood Obesity...

Line of the Week: ...back like a night after a bad taco -Sylar on the Heroes season premier. Worst. Line. Ever.

LoTW Runner-Up: Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten - Charlize Theron on Jay Leno

Damn it's been a hell of a busy week and boy are my arms tired...

...wait, I fucked that up. I've been doing so much out of the ordinary activities that my mind is all out of whack and my horrible puns have been ample proof of that. Hell, I laughed at a pun my History professor made today. He was talking about the 24 hour coverage of hurricane Ike for almost six days straight, which you'll remember I talked about last week, and he said that he tried to watch whatever news he could that wasn't "drowned out by Ike"....worst pun ever? Maybe. Most unexpected pun at 9:25am? Definitely.

Because I'm unorganized, this entry is going to be told all Pulp Fiction-like, but don't worry, I'm not gonna go completely Tarantino on you...well, at least until Inglorious Bastards comes out. Saturday consisted of fucking insanity...seriously...fucking, insanity.

On Saturday, I woke up at 6am, got ready and waited for Timmy and Allen and his friends to show up before we went to work for my dad, ripping out wallpaper, insulation and ceiling tiles from an office building. We did this from 8am, to 8pm...literally sunrise to sunset, black to black and so on. Each time I climbed the stairs all the way to the fourth floor it felt like a million knives gre penises and were raping my calves from the inside out and didn't even have the common courtesy to use lube like a professional. My car smelled like ass after being in it for five seconds, and what seemed like a good idea at the time, I rolled down my windows, which only resulted in me smelling the B.O. and dried sweat that was coming off of my own body...

At this point, you'd think that I'd be completely exhausted and ready to call it a weekend...but you'd be half-wrong. After I took a long shower,complete with singing and flexing in the mirror while saying "Are you talking to me?", I went online and starting looking for details on some parties I'd heard of. I landed two options, one party was supposedly expecting 50 people, a small amount of liquor but I knew it was going to be nothing but minorities and ghetto, ghetto, ghetto. The other party had a shitload of alcohol, a bit smaller group probably consisting of hipsters, indie "rockers" and probably some fatties and in College Station, although I would be able to spend the night there. I ended up selecting the latter and went with Aaron, him driving, while I closed my eyes and spewed out random, absurd comments as entertainment.

One thing I forgot to do, however, was print out the Google Maps directions, and for some reason I thought if I committed the satellite picture to memory I could find it...except I forgot the street name, apartment name and number and while the satellite photo was taken during the daytime, it was blacker than Akon and the girl who's party it was, had HER FUCKING PHONE OFF. So now I'm lost in College Station with Aaron...two skinny Mexican kids lost in a town that would give Bush a sloppy deepthroating blowjob with a smile on their face if they had the chance. We pull over at a gas station and since I'm furious, I begin to spew out rage-filled comments, one of our favorite was "Ugh, goddamn it, if only I could ask Information where all the fat, ugly chicks went..." I think I was laughing for a good two minutes after that one.

One phone call to Nicole and her Blackberry internet-filled phone later, we arrive at the party that was filled with the exact people I thought it would have. Luckily, it was a really chill atmosphere and there was plentiful amounts of beer. There were hipsters with fedoras, a loud, fat guy who had his shirt off more often than not and a guy who looked JUST like Cricket from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...but alas, he was involved with the only cute girl at the party, who was also celebrating her birthday, so I couldn't push him down the stairs as a reason to get him on crutches. After "losing" a game of beer pong (You can never lose if your "punishment" is to drink more beer), some guy threw up on me, however I was pretty drunk at this time and it took me at least thirty seconds to acknowledge, which resulted in my freaking out, wiping it off with a napkin and telling the guy who did it to calm down and that I really didn't give a shit.

At around 3am, a lot of people left and we were left with my friend Leah, Aaron, a couple guys, Hannah the cute chick, Veronica and her BF and Leah's roommates. Shortly thereafter, Leah began to blow chunks all over the floor, herself and a trashcan. This by itself is not that funny, but the best part were the two things that I was involved with. The first was that I mentioned It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Leah, Veronica and I ended up singing Day Man...twice. The second happened between Leah's vomiting spurts, where she would cry out apologies to her roommates, which caused me to laugh uncontrolably...well, it was actually giggling but you get the point. I was then very tired and went to sleep on the couch chair. That's right, the 6ft. tall asshole had to sleep on a fucking chair, luckily Leah woke up early and let me sleep on the sofa, but not before I accidently stepped in the wet stains of the carpet where she had vomited on.

The next day I woke up, still tired and now sore so I let Aaron drive again, and after hitting up McDonalds we saw the weirdest fucking thing. We were just leaving College Station and were stuck in a bit of traffic when all of a sudden we see an Indian lady running across the road construction site to the left and is tackled by an Indian guy, which he did by sweeping the legs. Her crying, he sits next to her, breathing heavily with his arm on her and while 4-9 "concerned" citizens approach, puts his other hand up and points to his car that's about a hundred feet the other way. I was only bothered by all the people going towards them, so what if it was probably Domestic Violence? It's College fucking Station, I'm pretty sure beating women is a requirement for all Right Wing males.

This is a bit random, but one thing that caught my attention Fridat night was a radio commercial. I had forgotten to charge my iPod, so on my way home it died and I had to listen to the radio. I was switching stations every song or so and at one point I went to a pure rock & roll station, 94.5 The Buzz. This radio commercial however, really threw me the fuck off. I was listening to it and after a song it advertised their radio station (As if no one knows what station they're listening to), with the advertisement ending using this line: "Ninety-Fo' Five: The Buzz." What the fuck? Having a rock station use ghetto slang is like someone actually wanting to hear Megan Fox's opinion on...well...anything. It's a cute idea but only retarded people who have never had human contact need apply.

I just saw the season premier of Heroes and I damn was it fucking absurd. It like if the writers got together and said "Fuck continuity, EVERY character is back with their powers, or someone else's...but they'll also die...twice. Oh, and Peter, Clair and Sylar will be over-acting in almost every scene..." I'll still watch the show, but if it doesn't pick up and get to the quality of the first season I'm gonna be pissed. Right now channel 2 local news is on and I have one thing to say: I want to make the most intensly passionate love to Domonique Sachse...she is the most delicious news anchor ever, even hotter than those European ones that strip while they do the news.

Because you've all been so good lately, I'm going to give you the best video clip I've seen the month of September, from the season premier of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Until next week, may the Lord bless you and keep you...



..haha, just kidding.