Day 47

I made this in Photoshop a while ago and you know what? I don't care how nerdy it is, a Rorschach-obsesses Jedi would be the most badass thing since Jack the Ripper.

Line of the Week: Nos vamos a tomar unos tragos coquetos... -Matando Cabos

Some of you may or may not know but there was a pretty weak, albeit enormous, hurricane that beat the shit out of Houston last week. This is the main reason I didn't update sooner, however all is well and I only lost a couple feet of fence...which are still down because we're all too lazy to fix it. I'll delve into my experience of the hurricane at the end of this post.

Let's start off with some a really nerdy and disappointing event from Wednesday that proved to me how you can be a winner and a loser at the same time. Dan and I went to Studio Movie Grill to take advantage of his employees-see-movies-for-free deal to watch Death Race. Upon our arrival, I noticed that the sole hostess/receptionist/chick-who-sells-tickets was having difficulty with a couple of Desi customers. They come to the damn movie theater with a coupon to get a discount but have no idea what film they want to watch, nor have any information on any films being shown in the theater. I barely caught the end of this confusion when I arrived, and the hostess, obviously frustrated and bothered, asks us if we knew anything about Traitor. At this point Dan backs away and I take over and not only explain who stars in the film and give a quick synopsis, but also talk about what other films the actors have been in, what critics have been saying and the general reception of the film. Not only do I do that, they then ask me to recommend them a movie, so I give them the same amount of information for Death Race, Tropic Thunder, The House Bunny and ultimately tell them to watch Traitor...like I said, I was both a winner and a loser at the same time. Now I'm going to apply to work as a host, since I might as well put this knowledge to good use.

We chat with the hostess for a bit and then get tickets to Bangkok Dangerous because I was fucking starving and no one had bought tickets to Death Race.

The next day (Thursday for those keeping count) I went to Taco Cabana with my parents and after I dipped my hands into the ice at the register to wake myself up and made the line laugh with a random sarcastic rant to my parents, we sat down outside and began to eat my bean and cheese nachos, which my ass decided to rape my with later. About five minutes into our meal some lady sitting near us came up to us and asked my mom what she was eating and when my mom said that something else was also good, she said "Oh no, I can't eat, I should be shopping for Ike." These are the last words that I heard before she decided to ramble on and on and on about what she thought about Ike and where her family lived for, and I timed it, 16 minutes. Besides, if you're at the restaurant already, why aren't you eating? It's not like you're going to be shopping while you're at Taco fucking Cabana anyways...dumb bitch. She smelled like death, cigarettes and cold nachos, although the latter may have been caused by my food.

Ike - It happened, and here is my story:
We were fucking prepared, seriously, better prepared than ANYONE else I knew. I had anywhere between 10-12 family members in my house from Friday to Monday and we had enough food to feed everyone at least 3 times a day, if not more. Like Rita however, nothing happened and we only lost power on Saturday from 5am to 3pm. During that time, however, was when the storm as at its worse and the combination of rain and wind was nailing my house harder than a crucifixion. I slept through most of it and only had to deal with a few hours without power, although we had an industrial generator that we turned on so we could watch a movie and play Wii, so to all those that didn't and don't have power...well, I say nothing because it's not like you can even read this damn thing.

I was only awake for maybe an hour or two of the hurricane winds and they were extremely powerful, but knowing how powerful they were made me want to go outside, stake a metal pole into the ground, tie myself to it, hold a digital SLR in one hand and an enormous beer bottle in the other, wearing only boxers and goggles and experience Ike like a man, yelling various lines from action films at the top of my lungs (i.e. Ike to meet you, Yippie-Ikay Motherfucker and Ikecaramba and such). If there wasn't so much debris, I probably would have.

From before the storm, starting on Thursday I believe, the only thing that was on was the news tracking Ike non-stop. This means I didn't get to see Letterman or Conan on either nights and that they were broadcasting this news ceaselessly for over 72 hours, fucking ridiculous. All weekend long we had the TV on and during that time we watched the following films, some of which I was seeing for the third or fourth time:

• Airplane! - 9/10
• Matando Cabos - 9.5/10
• Memento - 8.5/10
• Blazing Saddles - 8/10
• Live Free or Die Hard - 7/10
• Enemy at the Gates - 7.5/10
• Hot Fuzz - 9/10
• Young Frankenstein - 10/10
• The Godfather - 10/10
• The Godfather Part II - 8.5/10
• Baby Mama - 8/10
• Sunshine - 8.5/10
• Reservoir Dogs - 9/10

Yeah...and you know what? I still can't wait to go to the the movie theater as soon as possible to check out whatever new films are coming out, my love for films is like my love for sesame chicken or cookie cake...it's unconditional, save the "movies" from the "directors" of Meet the Spartans and such. The rest of the time I was hanging out with my cousins, walking around outside while the cold front was in and played with my Wii for the first time in months. I played Super Smash Bros. Brawl with my uncle and my cousin and got some trophy for playing 50 hours of brawls which, again, illustrated how one could be a winner and a loser in the same moment.

I was driving around with my dad and uncle on Sunday (Remember this, it's important) and while we were on our way back form my grandma's house, we saw that a Chick-Fil-A was open...on a SUNDAY! (See? Told you) As soon as I saw this, I said one thing and one thing only: "God is gonna be pi-issed..."

Now that it's over, there are actually people in Galveston (Completely pwned) that actually stuck around and were asking for help, hell I as listening to the radio and this lady was complaining about how she didn't have power and most of her property was destroyed, she didn't have water pressure, that she had cancer and blah-fucking-blah. First of all, why'd you go off and get cancer before hurricane season? Didn't think that one through now did you? Secondly, you stayed when people were evacuating a full three days before the hurricane was supposed to even hit, if anything, I'm pissed you lived through it and I had to hear your fucking voice for more than a scream of pain that somehow acknoledged your stupidity. I hope FEMA and your insurance deny you aid and maybe next time you'll learn to not be a fucking idiot...

I finally left my house on Tuesday and went to Dan's house to hang out and after a while, his sister and her friend began talking about random shit jokes and whatnot and I actually found myself explaining to them what happens in 2 Girls 1 Cup. Also, I played Rock Band and rocked out on the vocals since I was the only person with any experience in singing, never got a score lower than 91% and received a 100% Flawless rating on one song and one song only: Blondie - Call Me...yet again, I was both a winner and a loser simultaneously.

Now it's Thursday and I'm finally updating this because I just got internet at around 7pm, while hoping I actually get to leave my house more than once this week. I'll try to get something more interesting to post for next week but I've been kind of busy lately. I'll leave you with the SNL skit featuring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Sen. Palin and Sen. Clinon, respectively:

Hurricane Ike...

fucking killed my internetz, so you'll have to wait, just like me, for Comcast to get off their asses in Galveston and help the people of Cypress...

However, if I see one more fucking family going to the store to buy 7 cases of beer, I'm going to fucking shove a french bread up their asses...

Television and Grey's Anatomy

I was going to do a regular update today but I realized that, aside from seeing Mitch Fatel last week at the Improv (Hilarious by the way), I haven't done a goddamn thing. However, I do have some news, I'm going to start working on articles for CollegeHumor, if I can do enough of them and, if they're good enough, I can eventually get paid to be funny, which would be pretty badass. For now, I think I'll just give you a description of an idea I had about a year ago and then end in a small rant.

I want there to be a special where all the drama shows come together; Law and Order: SVU, CSI, and medicine shows like ER, Scrubs and House.

First, a crime in Las Vegas would take place and then, in some seemingly random house, Gil Grissom would be all like "What up mofos? I'm looking for clues, and I like bugs." He would then proceed to have mildly condescending conversations with his team for about twenty minutes, when all of a sudden, some bad guys would break out of the garage in a car (Ford Explorer, if you really must know), so he'd have to call the Law-half of the SVU people and they'd be like "got it Grissom, we're on his tail!"

So now they're chasing them in Las Vegas, and even though SVU takes place in NYC, it's A-OK because it's a completely new cast starring Kristen Bell, Jennifer Garner, Djimon Hounsou and Liev Shreiber. Anyways, they'd run the plates and find that those bad guys also have some hardcore known accomplices in New York and Miami, and they've also recently killed people...a lot.

The SVU people would immediately call up CSI: NY and CSI: Miami, but because no one cares about Miami aside from Caruso's one-liner, it would just show him say something like "Where in the world...are these guys headed?". The camera then pans all the way from Miami to New York, in a single take, where the cast of ER is shown operating on two accmplices who shot eachother for money, and are suddenly joined by the cast of Scrubs where Zach Braff goes "I wonder what it would be like to get shot by a bullet made of spaghetti...I love Spaghetti".

But what's this? He also has some unknown disease? Well bring on House so he can come in and say "It's melanomia, you see I saw you cough about 8 years ago while I was walking down the street and just happened to glance upward to see you on a balcony coughing...alright, well, I'm off to do something hip and illegal, peace out!" You'd think it be over and they'd cure him and send him to jail right? If you did, then you're wrong, if you didn't, you're still wrong. Suddenly, the cast of Grey's Anatomy would come out and there would be complete silence and confusion as everyone from the aforementioned shows would grab various long tools and object and kill them because Grey's Anatomy sucks.

Talk about a satisfying ending. That's all I had written down so far, there might be a section where the cast of King of Queens comes in but it just doesn't make sense when you read it as a whole.

While I'm writing, I might as well tell you why that piece of shit show sucks...that's right...fucking Grey's Anatomy...

I honestly think the creators of the show were like:

Creators: OK guys, I got an idea for this crazy show that's gonna make us millions...you ready? Alright, this is what we're gonna do. Let's make a medical drama/comedy, but get rid of the medicine...

Studio Executives: Umm, ok?

C: the drama...

SE: huh?

C: Stay with me, we'll also be taking out the comedy...

SE: Ok, I don't think you get it

C: Just hear me out, because we would also be taking out any character depth and complexity. Here's the kicker though, instead of hiring writers, we'll have five 13yr. old girls script out long-winded stories about shallow love triangles without consequences because the women in the show will always be getting some cock.

SE: Hmm, well that sounds good, but that's not enough to make us money...

C: Oh but there's more, we'll break into the youth group by making adorable and unoriginal nicknames to go with our sponsors. McDonalds just donated us 2 million dollars...so listen to this nickname...McDreamy.

SE: WE LOVE IT!

C: I know, right? I think that's about it, now we just gotta sit back and wait for the money to start roll-oh wait, I forgot about this. Our lead character, not only are we going to hire someone with a soft uninspired voice, we're also gonna make sure she looks like she has Down's Syndrome and only has one facial expression that crosses between mental retardation and complete confusion.

C & SE (In unison): Forbes 500, Here we come!

Fuck you Grey's Anatomy, at least Sex and the City had character driven stories...

Day 46

Japanese artists are...interesting...

Line of the Week: Worst case scenario, if the levies break, water will rush in... -News reporter from New Orleans while tracking Gustav


Oh man, talk about a busy week. I've been here and there and over here and I even went all the way over there like three times, no joke.Let's kick things off right, eh? I had my other class last week and it was pretty...interesting.

Sociology
These classmates are probably the dullest of the bunch and not really worth mentioning, with the exception of three things.

1. The freshman sitting to my right (I know he's a freshman because he said so) that kept on trying to throw in "funny" comments. The professor would be talking about something I was not paying attention to, although I'm sure it was riveting, and this sucker kept on trying to interject with his little remarks. Not only were they not found funny by anyone else in the classroom, I knew what he was going to say and kept on wanting to tell him to not do it, it actually hurt me to hear the words come out of his mouth. The worst part is that he wouldn't even wait for a pause, he'd just start talking and after the third word, when he realized that she [the professor] wasn't stopping for anything, stopped and tried again...if he keeps that shit up I'm gonna have to educate the little mofo.
2. Everything about my professor...literally. First of all, she looks just plain fucking weird, like something that comes out of Kentucky or Tennessee but talks with the most intriguing accent I've heard in a while; a mix of New Orleans and New Jersey. She said things like Thursdee and ghat (got) and used some expressions like light in the loafers and some other ones that I don't care enough to remember.
3. She talked...the entire class...without stopping or asking more than one question. Even I can acknowledge my narcissistic tendencies but I usually like to hear what people have to say about what I'm talking about. She never stopped and used I, Myself (and all of it's variations) and Me more times than I could even count. Also, she talked pretty fast with some awkward pauses...oh well, I guess it'll make for an interesting class.
   

You know what's great about taking a Music Appreciation class? All the pretentious douches practically show themselves voluntarily, they usually come in the form of guitar players, big fans of "the classics" (translating to the most popular names of the 60s-80s) and laugh whenever someone says the name of a band. Oh, did I mention they usually wear band shirts just for that class? Check out the chick in the NIN shirt, she's definitely a hardcore music aficionado and you don't wanna mess with her flat-chested and pompous self.

Also, you really get to see stupid people shine, and not in the good potential-special-olympics-"athlete" kind of way. Here's a really good example and currently my favorite story to tell. The second time the class met, instead of playing Bob Marley, the professor was playing some Beatles song while the projector, well...projected, their image on the screen. After he played it about three times and everyone had arrived, he picked a random name from the attendence sheet and asked that person if they knew the artist of the song. As luck, or irony, would have it, it was the only black chick in the entire room and I knew EXACTLY what was about to happen, so I smiled. She began to say things like "Ummm, kinda" and "Oh, I know this!" but it was obvious that she had no fucking idea, so I began to laugh to myself because the train wreck was just beginning. The professor started giving her hints and people started gasping and saying "oh my god" and the chick with the guitar looked like she was having a seizure, except uglier. Then I got to thinking and commented to the people around me, I figured they might as well get used to my opinions early on, "Are you really that surprised that she doesn't know this?" You can call it racism, you can call it stereotyping, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm 100% right. Black people know as much information about the Beatles as I know about making Chinese food. It's just not in their culture. Anyways, the guitar chick ended up practically yelling out "THE BEATLES!!" and went on to name the song, the album from which it was released and each band member in the order of their appearance in the picture...HOW IMPRESSIVE!!

Saturday was pretty weird, I was forced against my will, as opposed to being consensually forced, to go to a church (Read: Boring) part of a wedding. What did I take from this enlightening experience aside from terrible religious puns? That stereotypes are funny, ESPECIALLY when they're true. It was a Mexican couple in a Catholic church, in a part of Houston that I wouldn't want to walk alone around, and their names were Juan and Maria...it practically writes itself. Afterwards I ended up chilling at my house with my cousin and, for the first time in almost a full year, just played video games all day. It felt good to finally wipe the dust off the Wii and go crazy with Super Monkey Ball (still the most difficult game I've ever played and have yet to beat), SSX Tricky and Need for Speed: Underground...because I have a mildly secret love for good racing games.

I'll leave you with the fact that TV season is coming back, starting with Entourage on Sunday, and there's only one new series worth watching: