Day 9

This is my idea to solve the obesity problem everyone won't stop bitching about.

Big post today. First off: CLOVERFIELD IN FOUR DAYS!! Secondly...well, there is no second, I just wanted to type "first off".

Last Thank-Darwin-It's-Friday, I went to Cy-Fair Community College to change my Intro to Philosophy teacher from some Shaw character, to the Houston's very own paintball superstar: TF (Legal name, comes with Alcohol Fetal Syndrome and everything). I mention this only because as I was waiting in line, I noticed that the guy three people in front of me, was wearing an eye patch, and to top it all off; he was black! Not even Pirates of the Caribbean had that kind of diversity, I mean, a black pirate? Even if his leg was fine, he'd probably still walk like he had a peg-leg, as many black folk do these days.

Imagine what Shaft would be like if he were a pirate; he would be all "Arrg, I be Shaft, the bad mutha yous all talking aboot!"

In the evening, I went to Chili's with my family since my parents were leaving for Monterrey early next morning, and about halfway through the meal, while I was talking mind you, this table full of young black people started laughing exceedingly loud and practically yelling for a good six minutes non-stop. I'll tell you one thing (And probably a lot more later), stereotypes are stereotypes because someone saw a group of people, usually a race, doing something that only they did, and rightly assumed that almost all of "them" do it. Being loud and obnoxious may be exclusive to teenage girls, but I move that we add that to the young black people as well. As I sat there making my parents laugh with my rage-induced comments, all I could think about is how great it would be if we could just move them to the back of the restaurant; they could be as loud as they want! Hell, maybe we can have them have separate restaurants and since they're students, also have them sit in the back of school buses...this is the world I dream of.

The actual weekend consisted of me lounging around, playing with my little cousins, beating them at Wii bowling and teaching them it's OK to eat food that's fallen on the floor as per the Ten-Second Rule. Except for Sunday, when I woke up to cops ringing the doorbell. Apparently my uncle went to retrieve the newspaper in the morning and forgot the alarm was on, so I had to go downstairs and attempt to communicate with someone despite only being awake for 15 seconds; resulting in me saying the following statements:

• "My name is Homero Arellano, the son of ::slight pause:: my dad."
• "My dad is the owner of this house, which is why I'm here."
• "OK, thanks, sorry."

Definitely NOT one of my most intelligent moments.

Note to self (Also to my blog): Do NOT open mouth if you have been awake for less than 2 minutes. Also, talk in an English accent to cops next time to make their lives a little more surreal.


So there is a new vase of potpourri in the downstairs bathroom; it smells so good, that even if an old Indian guy were to have been recently slaughtered and had his remains thrown all over the walls, the first thing you'd say when entering the room is:

"Oh wow, you're right, it smells deli-OH MY GOD!! WHAT THE HELL?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE BUT IF I HAD TO TAKE AN EDUCATED GUESS, I'D SAY THAT THESE ARE THE REMAINS OF AN OLD INDIAN MAN THAT WAS RECENTLY SLAUGHTERED, WHICH IS HARD TO FATHOM SINCE MOST PEOPLE IN HOUSTON ARE WHITE, HISPANIC OR BLACK; IN THAT PARTICULAR ORDER!!"

Or something along those lines.


Today, however, was a new day. The kind you'd see in a horror movie; the morning after the soon-to-be-dead family moves into the house where the murders of '76 took place. This is because today was my first day of classes over at The-college-formerly-known-as-Cy-Fair-Community-College, as they changed the name to Lone Star College - Cy-Fair. Here's a rundown of my two classes for today, and I'm not going to rate the girls in my classes until I get to know them a little better as I rarely give a number solely on looks...and because they will probably eventually read this:

English 1302
My first class is in the first of the Modular Buildings, which is a fancy name for Styrofoam floors and walls on cinder blocks. The class was actually really diverse and it seemed like I'll probably enjoy it. I also got that Dan character in this class so that was a cool surprise. The professor was pretty funny, seemed laid-back and pretty intelligent, ya'no, for a college professor. Towards the end of class, the Columbian girl in front of me misheard him say something about presidential candidates using fear in their campaigning, and thought he said beer instead. When she approved of using beer since "a lot of people like it"; it made for a good harmless laugh, to end the class. One thing I noticed, although it might have been just me, is that almost the whole time the professor was talking, he was looking straight at her. Since I was behind her, I couldn't tell if she was wearing a low-cut top (Although I doubt it since it was about 50 degrees outside), or if he was looking at her face to make eye-contact; either way, it was odd.

Also, when everyone was introducing themselves, one of the people before me was this Hispanic chick, and when she said "I want to major in", I immediately said "Nurse", to which I heard "Medicine"...too bad no one heard me. I think almost all Hispanic women become nurses because, since they know they're going to be having a shitload of kids, they might as well try to get an employee discount at the hospital.

During the one hour break I had before my next class, I went to Dan's house and we played Rock Band, which is much more difficult than I thought. I was pretty bad on the drums and substantially worse on the guitar, which I knew would happen since I can barely finish a song on Guitar Hero III, so I think I'm going to give the vocals a try next time.

History 1301
This class should be intense but fun, the professor is this older black gentleman who's actually retired, and doesn't look a day over 33, if that. Black people age almost too well, I think all those suburban housewives that want to look younger need to start rubbing black people's skin cells on their faces (Patent pending on that idea). Also, he was funny, not unusual for a black person of course, but he seemed really passionate about history, and passionate teachers always beat the extremely knowledgeable ones (In this case, he was both). There was a Hispanic girl in the back who was the typically preppy chick, smiles a lot and asks a lot of questions, etc. and I noticed her the millisecond (Yeah, I'm that fast) she walked in the room because she looks like a shorter and cheekier version of Ryan's girlfriend, Lindsey. At that moment, all I could think about is how awkward a double date would be if her and I went out... This will never happen, of course, as I am way too picky for my own good and would find something wrong with her before she even finishes telling me her name.

Macro-Economics is my other class for Mondays and Wednesdays, but it's a late start class, meaning it doesn't start until late.

I know this entry has a lot of comments about black people, so if you're in the KKK or just hate black people, and I've made you feel angry or uncomfortable, I apologize ahead of time. Alright, I reckon it's time for me to get started on that there homework that's due Wednesday; or install Age of Empires II again and totally nerd out for the night. Like Enya so eloquently put it: Only time will tell...

Day 8

Another version of "Survival of the Fittest"...

First order of business (If updating this blog made me money), on Conan O'Brien this week, I saw and heard Nicole Atkins perform. She was nothing short of amazing. When she opened her mouth and let her spectacular voice fly, I had to stop typing, close my laptop and really make sure I was hearing her right. Her voice and style of music is so refreshing, very 40s without the big band. Her voice is something between Nancy Sinatra and Grace Slick, I love it. Here's her Myspace, and here are my favorite songs of her in order from Bestest to Best.

1. Maybe Tonight
2. Brooklyn's On Fire
3. Neptune City
4. Skywriter
   

I don't even remember what all has happened since my last update, I just know I've been watching a lot of TV, written a lot of jokes and offended some people; essentially I haven't done much out of the ordinary.

Here's a quick tidbit about me:
Sometimes I like to hop on my bed, move the linens 'n things over and lay down on my stomach while I close my eyes to listen to my heart beat. The most amazing part is when I hold my breath, I can feel and hear my heart beat progressively slower and weaker. It really reminds me that I am very alive and mortal; so I try not to do it too often.

Now back to your regularly scheduled comedy. Like I said, I've been watching a good amount of TV and a couple days ago, I watched the series premier of Cashmere Mafia; a new series that's basically a mix between Sex & the City and Desperate Housewives except these are powerful women, not struggling writers or lazy homemakers.. Now I know that these are fairly feminine shows, but this one stars Lucy Liu, which, as many of you know, is the most beautiful woman in the world. It could be my thing for Asian women, or maybe my thing for powerful women who make more money than me, but I like this show.

The pilot, obviously this will always be one of the best episodes of a series as it is the one pitched to the networks, was really well written. Lucy Liu is delicious, and surprisingly enough, so are the other 3 actresses (Unlike Sex & the City, where you get a crack-addicted-look-alike writer, a cancer-filled red head, a stereotypical nymph-temptress and an Anal Retentive manager). Like I said before, these women have jobs that pay damn good salaries and are pretty clever, you can watch the full episode at ABC's website. At the end of the episode, Lucy Liu's fiancé breaks up with her character because she beats him in a competition for a promotion...yeah, I could definitely NEVER fucking do that. Even if the script said I had to do it; not happening. I'm positive I would get into an argument with the director:

Lucy Liu: Babe, I got the promotion...which means you're going to be fired.
Me: That's fine that you got the promotion babe, as long as I get to have sex every time I cook dinner.
LL: Wel-wait! What?!
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!!
Me: What?!
D: That's not in the script, try it again.
Me: Alright, fine...dick.
D: What?
Me: Huh? Oh, nothing, I had to clear my throat, lemme get some water real quick.
D: Yeah...action!
Me: Babe, I'm fine with you getting the job over me, just give me an expense account so I can buy you sexy lingerie and fuck you on the kitchen counter when you get home...you likey?
D: Wha-cut! Cut!! Cut!!
Me: What the fuck man, I'm literally right here, not four feet away from you; you don't need to say it three times. Jesus Christ.
D: Then STOP MAKING UP YOUR LINES and break up with her like it's says in the script.
Me: I can't do it, it's fucking Lucy Liu, the hottest babe on the planet...and stop talking in all caps!
D: Whatever kid, it doesn't matter, and you don't matter. You're just some actor, so read the script like you're supposed to.

here's the part where i get pissed

Me: IT DOESN'T MATTER?! Who the fuck are you? You couldn't break up with Lucy Liu!
D: YEAH IT D-...well, not in real life, but I could do it for TV
Me: OK, fine, look at her soft sad eyes and do it!
D: ...I...look, I can't...damn it.
Me: That's right bitch! Now where's my sex scene?

That seems about right...

It doesn't matter what fucking channel I turn the TV to, they've all been plagued with the trailer for that herpes of a movie: Meet the Spartans. As if Date Movie and Epic Movie weren't bad enough, they're making parodies of movies that weren't that good to begin with, terrible and way overdone pop culture references, and even making fun of movies that won't be released for months. Here are a few reasons not to watch this movie:

• Brittney Spears parody
• Oswald from The Drew Carey Show doing a terrible English accent...the line he says would actually be funny if he said it in a practical manner without the accent.
• Donald Trump parody of "You're Fired"; Oh how FUCKING ORIGINAL!
• Happy Feet...sigh...
• Constantly kicking people into the Pit of Death...you can find over 50 different versions of that on YouTube.
• Actually, you can find almost every single gag/joke that will be in this movie, somewhere on YouTube, for free.

If I know who you are, you watch it, and I find out, I will hit you. Yes, even if you're a girl. Women are only allowed so much stupidity before you gotta hit 'em to make sure they stay in line...or if their name is Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry, in which case, they need to be smacked around daily.

The day before today I saw Charlie Wilson's War. It's a good movie for people who have graduated high school. The scenes where Tom Hanks and Philip Seymour Hoffman are together, are absolutely hilarious. I highly recommend this movie to everyone, it won't change your life, but it will make you feel mildly well inside. Although, towards the end, I couldn't help but realize that we were going to fight these same guys, which we armed, not 15 years later. 8/10

Afterwards, Camo called me since he had just arrived from China, so we went to Husky's (The most delicious burgers ever) and talked for a bit. Then we picked up my sister from Driver's Ed and took her home. Still bored, we went to Barnes & Nobles, where I decided to buy yet another stand up DVD; this one being Zach Galifanakis Live at the Purple Onion. I think that's the 12th comedy DVD I've bought this year alone...

I want to record a series of audio tapes that explains to people how to overcome being deaf.

If you ever want to make some ecstatic and high-quality friends, go to a New Student Orientation at a community college. I met some of the peppiest and most prominent drug addicts, future cholo wives and illegitimate mothers in all of Houston. I say this because I start school next week, and my mood is, well, hopeful. As in, I hope I don't get a class full of Cy-Falls people I know, people who still wear their high school letter jackets, or single mothers who talk about their kids.

If you want to see some really uneducated and ignorant people post ridiculous idiocies about politics they know nothing about, click here (My posts are the ones in blue).

I leave you with the thought I was, well, thinking, before I began writing this entry tonight:
How many human bodies stacked on top of each other, could I run over, in a Hummer, before they would stop acting like a speed bump and I'd really have to gun it to knock them over?

Any physics savvy people, or people with Hummers and a lot of money; feel free to find the answer and get back to me with diagrams and pictures...and a bar graph.

Day 7

It's true, Hitler was a fan of MC Hammer...look it up on Wikipedia if you have to.

I haven't really done anything productive since my last entry, and it feels great; a similar feeling to when you grope a drunken college girl...there's no way to explain it, it just feels right. You know? Of course you do.

Anyways, as of today, I'm pretty sure everyone has left for their respective colleges...this means I have to be optimistic next week and hope the people in my classes aren't the failures I've seen around campus (I was lucky during summer school...very lucky).

Friday I did some errands and drove to the bank for my dad, the weather was typical Houston weather; it was too hot to put the windows down, and too cold to turn the a/c on. I can't wait until my ticket gets here and I hit the road outta this joint; just me and my moll on a one-way trip to New York City, where black people are funnier than they are violent (Unlike Houston). Until then, I'll have to settle for the best state in the world: Texas.

I also saw Jenna Bush on The Ellen Degeneres Show, she was promoting her book related to some little girl she met during her work at UNICEF. If you're like me, you've never seen her or her sister on TV before, so you don't know what she looks like, and if you're even more like me, you're not going to go through the trouble of goolging her; so I'll just tell you what she looks like. Imagine George Bush and Laura Bush having a baby; that's what she looks like. Throw in a typical East Coast Business Major fiancé and a smile that is practically identical to Rachael Ray, and you have Jenna Bush. Nothing special, but I'd stick it in her butt.

Later that night I finally saw Shoot 'Em Up on DVD. I must say, that movie was everything I expected and more. Easily one of the best action flicks of 2007. The whole movie is essentially a really long gunfight between Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti with only a few minutes of dialogue thrown in between so people can't say there wasn't a plot (Even though it's only there to create more shootouts). The action sequences are ridiculously creative and are so absurdly hilarious, at many times you'll actually do a double-take of the DVD cover and see if this movie wasn't directed by Quentin Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez; it's just that awesome. 8.5/10

The next day I got out of bed and began taking down the Christmas tree until I left for Sean's house to go watch the Rockets' game with him and a couple of his friends. After taking doing a circle around the parking structure and Sean proving to us that a pickup is too much for him to handle by scraping the side of it into a concrete barrier, we walked what seemed like half-a-mile to our seats which were in a DAMN good spot. However, these seats were still not up to our standards, so we went down like 10 rows until about half-time when the seats' rightful owners arrived; which is where we went down another row. Then, about ten minutes later, the owner of those seats came and kicked us out...with only twenty minutes left in the game...fucking idiots. By the time we were done moving seats, we were practically on the floor level; and upon noticing that the Rockets were up twenty points at the end of the third quarter, we bounced back to Sean's house. Not after making a few wrong turns along the way, of course.

One thing I noticed while walking to our seats was the amount of women who deem it necessary to wear a dress to a basketball game. They all looked like they were going to a nightclub or something. I found it kind of weird, I mean; I'm here not wearing any underwear and they look like they're ready for their post-homecoming-dance fingering.

I was surfing this really cool website the next morning, Phonezoo, where they have a bunch of different phone wallpapers, ringtones, and whatnot; and I saw that they also had jokes. One particular joke I found is actually a variation of a racist joke I made up during my freshman year of high school. In my version, there's only a black and a mexican, however, in this version, the guy who uploaded it start it off like this: "A spic, a chink and a black person...etc." and I couldn't help but laugh to myself. You see, this guy apparently doesn't mind calling the largest race in the world, chinks, or the fastest growing, spics...but his ever-so-solid morals had to draw the line at saying nigger...hahaha.

After hearing the joke, annoyed by his hypocrisy and epic disappointment in the delivery of the punchline, I reported him two times:

1. For uploading offensive material on Phonezoo, haha.
2. Failure to deliver punchline in the correct manner, thus ruining the joke for all Phonezoo users.

After serving my plate of justice, I went to my cousin's house to teach him how to install iTunes and put music on his brand new iPod Nano. While iTunes installed, we all sat down and watched We Are Marshall. I'm normally bored by most football movies, save Remember the Titans as it is a requirement to graduate from any high school in Texas, but this one really got to me. Great movie overall, and what I liked about it, is that instead of focusing on the individual players and some dull storyline like Invincible, it focuses on the team as a whole and shows some awesome game play. 8/10

On my way home, I had to do a U-turn under I-10 at Park Ten and all I can say is "wow". It is the nicest bridge I have ever seen. The bottom is so clean and spacious, if I were houseless, I would totally live under that bridge and brag about it to everyone a Leftover Parties and other Hobo Social Events.


I must now depart to watch some Conan O'Brien, I leave you with wisdom to amaze your friends and teachers, and one of the most amazing videos I have ever seen:
How come, if there are rhetorical questions, there aren't any rhetorical answers?

Un-fucking-believable. Via Core77.

Day 6

Cyanide and Happiness is always good for a dark/surreal laugh

First of all, I hope everyone had a decent New Years and is alright, I wouldn't want to lose any readers over anything as silly as a car crash or an OD. Now that that's out of the way, I've gotta say that since the last update before New Years, my mind has been racing.

New Years Eve had me just chillin' like a villain(Nervous, freaking out every time I hear sirens and with blood on my hands) at my house with my family and Nicole, Kerby and Katie. We basically just drank while I had had them laughing their asses off between Guitar Hero III and Foosball.

On New Years, I woke up with what I thought was enough urine in my system to flood the bathtub. Upon attempting this challenge while I took a shower, however, I failed to meet those expectations as I couldn't even produce enough to make it smell weird. Oh well, maybe next time. Later I saw The Kingdom, and all I can say about that movie is WOW. One of the best movies I have ever seen in my life. This film will almost change your life; it's very well written, pays great attention to detail and the realism is beyond amazing.

Oh shit, quick, make a list!!
Here are five awesome unique songs from the past, which styles' you won't hear today (Click on the name to see the music video):
1) Dead Prez - Hip Hop
2) M - Pop Musik
3) Devo - Whip It
4) Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang
5) Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit

Coincidentally, I live my life by the words of Devo "If a problem comes along, you must whip it."...sigh...not even the Beatles can beat those words of wisdom.

I saw Jessica Sajche Wednesday night when I went to go get my hurr cut; I haven't seen her since we graduated almost two years ago. She's still like three feet tall, but just as adorable. I got her digits so hopefully I'll get to see her a little more often now. She's working at the salon where I get my hair cut, so I let her have the honor of touching and cutting my hair. Apparently she's studying to be a nurse; sometimes I kinda wish I wanted to help people, but that quickly passes.

I also kept on wondering how she would look in scrubs; I've never seen anyone I knew in scrubs so this interests me.
New item on my to-do list: Befriend a nurse

My entire food consumption for Wednesday consisted of these healthy items:
Breakfast: Apple Jacks (But they don't taste like apples...how do they get away with this?!!)
Lunch: Jack-In-The-Box - Medium Ultimate Cheeseburger (Only Ketchup) with Curly Fries and Dr. Pepper.
Dinner: 6 Chips Ahoy cookies with a glass of milk, followed by a bowl of Tostitos tortilla chips with a liter of cola.
Take THAT Diabetes!!

Last night was the best way to kickoff the 2008 year; Conan O'Brien CAME BACK!! He's so fucking hilarious with or without the writers. Late Night without the writers though, is pretty cool (for now) since we get more Conan. This is a traded for less skits and gags, however, and I can't wait until the writers come back so I can get my fix of The Interrupter and In The Year 2000.

Every time I see a Cloverfield trailer I get a fucking erection...I'm going to see that fucking movie opening day at midnight goddamnit! This JJ Abrams director guy is doing a DAMN good job at not letting ANYTHING about the movie leak out. The premise of the movie is that something massive kicks the shit out of NYC. JJ Abrams stated that when he was in Asia, he noticed that they had Godzilla, and that the US has nothing but the pansy King Kong, so he wanted to make a monster specifically for America that's more "Insane and intense", so it should be awesome. Check out the badass trailer here.

Now I'm updating my blog while another Jennifer Lopez movie continues to destroy society with her terrible acting and aggravating accent. The movie is Enough, where her husband is cheating on her and he punches her a couple times, so she decides to kill him and then litter in a nearby lake before she lies to the authorities. This is the kind of movie that is rotting people's minds. If you ever voluntarily watch that movie, there's no doubt about it, you're what's wrong with this world.

Alright, I gotta kill some time before Conan comes on, so I guess I should start studying for my final tomorrow. Also, Nate's back from the Land of the Thai peoples, so I gotta head on over to his house and check his clothes for SARS and whatnot before I hang out with him sometime this week.

Imagine how weird it would've been if I stopped typing after "kill"...