The Greater Truth

Day 87

2010-11-17T18:31:00.001-06:00

This still doesn't explain why there's a red light at the bottom...

Line of the week: Not three episodes into Boardwalk Empire and already two blowjob scenes? 1940s? Mo' like the 19blowme's!

Today at 2:27pm: Loading the laundry while singing Madison Avenue's Don't Call Me Baby...from MEMORY!

I watched the wants-to-be-a-real-movie Skyline on Friday morning and though I walked in expecting a mildly entertaining sci-fi action film, I stumbled out feeling like an idiot. This is usually the part where I would say how much of a waste of money it was, but on this particular occasion, I was prepared. During the summer I had gone to see Up in the Air at an early screening for free, and because the movie that was being shown in DIGITAL PROJECTION restarted three times, we all received a pass for a free movie, despite the fact that we hadn't spent money on the first one. Anyways, it was a horrible movie by the pretentious and cliche directors known only ass The Brothers Strauss. The movie is absurd and goes from a science fiction art-ish drama, to an action film to the most ridiculous ending that yields in the message: You can't stop love, because love is in the brain.

It starts off with actors we've seen in commercials and TV shows, all of which are 6-7 on the attractiveness scale, and 3-4 on the personality people-can-relate-to scale. Then we're introduced with aliens, kinda and there's a lot of fighting and small scenes that don't really lead to anything of interest. Eventually the military starts fighting back and we experience all this through a telescope that zooms like a digital camera and can track planes flying at hundreds of miles per hour and nuclear warheads with an amazing amount of success. Then some more arguing happens and some people die and the two main characters fight one of the aliens on the roof of the apartment building that the aliens seem REALLY interested in. If you're wondering what happens, the alien attacks the girl with its giant vaginal lips until her boyfriend/reluctant-father-of-her-child uses his intellect to discover the alien's crucial weakness: excessive punching to the head...which is exactly how he kills it. Anyways, they start getting sad and as the alien ship sucks them up, they kiss as they float up the air like reverse skydiving filmed by Lance Bass. Then the unstoppable power of love is showcased and you get the most ridiculous ending since Next.

I'm reading a book on the life cycle by Erik Erikson, though focusing more on the identity stage through adolescence. It's very nerdy, yes. Hell, I get random urges to read through the week, and I get to my room and grab one of the many books I have laying around that I haven't finished and actively read and make faces as I react to the content! I don't really know when or why I even bought it. As I think about it, however, this is probably my way of dealing with a lack of identity, which is something you'd think I would have worked out by now. Instead, I'm too busy focusing all my hate on ridiculous things like why lesbians, when they've clearly made their choice, still purchase and utilize dildos and other phallic products. If I owned a sex shop, which is an unlikely event, I wouldn't sell a single penis-shaped product to lesbians. They want vaginas 24/7? They can have 'em. As your unelected yet official Guyperson, I vow to never sell anything round to the lesbo community...whether it's real or not! Pick one and stick with it...you're almost as greedy as the bisexuals.

On Saturday, I went to the apartment of a friend (Zack) of a friend (Marc), and was fortunate enough to arrive in the middle of four person jam session. When they finished, they mentioned that their neighbors had complained earlier about how loud they were playing. I had the idea for them to only play Michael Jackson music since it's considered a hate crime to not like it.

Neighbor: Knocks on door

One's self: Hey, what can I do for you?

Neighbor: Well, what you could do for me is turn your damn volume down! Some of us prefer to watch Family Feud, despite the fact that we couldn't tell you who the current host is since they seem to keep quitting every month!

One's self: Hey man, we're playing Michael Jackson covers...and he's dead!

Neighbor: What? I don-

One's self: He's DEAD! As in, never coming back alive.

Neighbor: ...yeah, but you can see him in a documentary and all his songs are on iTunes and I've eve-

One's self: But HE, that person, Michael Jackson, is no longer alive...don't you have any respect for the death of a famous person?

Neighbor: ...

One's self: Well thanks for stopping by, but I've gotta go; this compensation for the lack of a father figure isn't drowned out by itself!

I imagine that's what happens in a world where people think...'n stuff.

They also offered me coffee while I was there and since I don't normally enjoy the java, I said "No thanks," and by limiting my experiences and not doing something out of the ordinary, I have nothing to talk about. See how much life sucks when you say "no"? In a way, it's the MPAA of your brain; unnecessary and rarely-correct self regulation.

I was talking to Billy at Denny's (The restaurant, not the house of someone with the unfortunate name of Denny, which sounds like the homosexual version of Dennis) about technology, and we eventually came upon the topic of scientific advancements. To be precise; scientific advances stemming from the Nazi's experiments during the holocaust. Granted, it's easy to learn about something when you don't care what you do to it, but it's still astounding how much we learned about people through the holocaust. Pun only intended if understood.

My point is this, if I had to be a Nazi, and I'm not saying that I want to be a Nazi (I don't look good in neutral colors). If I was forced to be a Nazi manperson, like through some extravagant series of events where I obviously made the wrong decision time after time or an uncommon financial situation, then I would have to be the guy who pulls the levers that look like Bugs Bunny would use against his enemies. I'm assuming, of course, that I would be living in a world where choosing to be a Nazi would actually be a safer alternative to who know what. One would think pulling the switch that kills would be a horrible job to have, but think about how easy it would be and how high of a status your fellow Nazi-ites would give you.

Now that I'm thinking about the social structure of the Nazi's, I'm curious. I fully acknowledge that no good will eventually become of this, but do you think they kept a record of how many antiNazi's each had killed and boasted it to their friends? As a lever-puller, one would likely always have the highest number while doing the least of the physical work...though burdened to carry a significantly larger emotional workload than the others. Is this an acceptable trade? I would be inclined to disagree, unless you were allowed to say one liners before you pulled said lever. Something like "Ya burnt!" or "Does this open the garage door?" and "Weird, I can't get it this time, it's like something I can't see is trying to sto-Oh, there it goes. Whew, almost had to call the I.T. douchebags, always with their jokes about my insecurity as a man, and that I have to kill hundreds of Jews a day just to feel validated and accepted by the other men in my society that seem to have their shit together. I'm masculine GODDAMN IT!"

That's one insecure Nazi.

This week, I leave you with one of my favorite online videos, Hard Gay. It's an absolute treat for the whole family! Here's the one where he visits the Yahoo! offices, parts 1 and 2. Enjoy! Like Coke!

Day 86

2010-11-11T13:00:00.004-06:00

Grass often feels like pants when you're see-through.

Line of the Week: A lot of people like to blame Method Acting or drugs for Heath Ledger's death. Personally, I blame Christopher Nolan.

Here's a quote from a Google News article that was posted on that infamous social-vomit page known only as the facebook "news" feed. Here's the pitch:

A planned website, Harrasmap, will allow women to quickly report instances of harassment via text message or Twitter, to be loaded onto a digital map of Cairo to show hotspots and areas that might be dangerous for women to walk alone. The data will be shared with activists, media, and police.

So women are going to be raped and/or harassed and the first thing they're expected to do is pull out their phones and tweet their live-raping? Now, I don't know who's getting raped but not harassed, but this all seems pretty stupid. Will rapists have access to this information? Yes. Will they start hanging out near areas that are marked as "safe zones?" No doubt. Telling people where you've been raped is just as useful as telling people where you tripped in public, it's interesting information with little, if any, practical use.

For Halloween next year, I'm going to go as Marty McFly and have my girlfriend go as Lorraine McFly, because you simply can't beat a good incest gag.

I was babysitting my aunt's kids and when I took them for a walk (White parents in my subdivision do it, so it can't be bad), they started whining, as kids often do. Now, I'm no stranger to complaining, but kids complain about the most ridiculous things sometimes. It began with asking if they could go back to grab a PSP or something, then if I could drive them to a convenience store after to get candy and eventually led to saying that their feet hurt. At this very moment, my mouth made a decision without consulting my brain because I intensely explained that "There are kids in Africa who can't even afford feet!" Wisdom, consider yourself cream cheese because you've just been spread.

Things that bother me to the point of mentioning:

Mobile version of web sites
Straight ticket voting
Milk that's not whole...that is to say, incomplete milk.(Looking at you, 1%)
The colors red and green. Likely due to my colorblindness.

I went to a Hong Kong Food Market with my friend Marc for his Asian Literature class, which goes to show that they'll teach anything if you know enough about it, regardless of its practicality, or lack thereof. As we near the store, I start making a joke that the parking lot is going to be full of white Hondas and Toyotas, along with a bunch of old cars that just blend in. Cars so boring, your eyes don't even register them as a viable transportation option. Pulling in, what do I see but five white vehicles parked within thirty feet of eachother, proving that sometimes, racism is worth it.

Once inside, we head to what we assumed would be the most Chinese part of the Chinese SUPA-MARKET; the fish aisle. On our way, we passed a lunch table in front of what was the Chinese butcher's shop, where you could buy a duck for less than $15. We were starving and seriously considering buying a duck to eat while we walked around. Marc said that would never work, while I was convinced it would if we were to buy some plates in the plates aisle, some chopsticks in the woodware aisle and some napkins in the American products aisle. While he was looking around, I snapped pictures of interesting products.

The Chinese make Basil Seed Drink, Grass Jelly Drink, and Sierra Mist, which I assume is Chinese for Coke Suck. This is a big reason why I hate the Chinese...who drink Pepsi. Untrustworthy.

In America, everything says Made in China. In China, food says Made in USA.

Even the Chinese have their own version of a tortilla. How progressive of them!

When you use two sticks to eat your food, you realize the plate Americans give to their kids is going be your best option.

I don't get this picture. Who is ordering Banana Sauce and why is it not yellow and/or white? Also, who is disgusting enough to eat something called Banana Sauce made by UFC? I don't like where that's leading, those guys excrete worse shit than just insecurity and illiteracy.

This is a normal sized stick for a Chinese person, but a midget-beating stick for a regular sized person...or an African dildo...or what a chopstick looks like in my abnormally-skinny hands. I think they lent these out to the Japs for dolphin killing.

"Eyeround" Steak? Really? You guys aren't fooling anyone. There's no way to fix your eyes or gain peripheral vision; that's what you get for being born a Chinese. It's just science from god and that Zedong fellow.

Sweet Pineapple Gel? Is this what UFC makes guys rub on each other before a fight? Why is UFC making so many fruity products? I feel like there's something there...UFC...fruits...hmmm. I guess it's just one of those things we'll never understand.

A friend was watching Back to the Future because of its recent anniversary, and I have to ask: What the fuck is up with Marty's mom: Lorraine? I'm referring to that woman's deep psychological issues. When Marty beats Biff by eluding him into a truck full of poop (A common profession in the 1950s), she gets so wet she FOLLOWS HIM HOME. Do you know how fucking insane that is? To see someone beat another person up, follow them home without their knowledge and then knock on the door with obvious sexual intentions. Then, when George punches Biff before his rape scene, but after the cleavage/incest scene (My favorite), she completely forgets about Marty and whether he's alive or not. Then, following the white guy calling the black guys/reefer-addicts/musicians spooks, there's another scene where George is pushed by some douche and drags Lorraine off, presumably to rape her. If there's any piece of information you should leave this film with, rape was quite rampant in the white, suburbia, high school dances of the 1950s. Also, blacks were the only good musicians, reefer addicts and stole music from young, white students.

Similarly,there's been people who think it's weird that Marty McFly hangs out with a scientist who is clearly significantly older than him, but the reasons are obvious. George McFly, in the initial timeline, is bullied by Biff and his gang of minions (Plus the guy with the 3D glasses) and in turn, becomes a push over. This leads to him having even lower confidence than before, causing him to be a mentally and socially absent father and husband, creating a weak family scared of failure and excitement. Enter Doc Brown, Marty's father figure. He's more energetic, intelligent and engaging than his own father, the one person he doesn't want to be. After going back in time and putting his father in a situation that allows his life to changed in a way that improves his self worth, he gives himself the father he's always wanted. It's not about fixing the timeline, but about feeling fulfilled as a son.

That's all for now, tune in next time for another psychological cinematic analysis...or don't! Please do? Ok, we'll see. I'll leave you with one of my favorite animated gifs I came across years ago:

Day 85

2010-10-21T11:00:00.005-05:00

This is what my job is going to be, are you as excited as I am? Don't be.

Line of the week: "the ugly guys kept acting all queer" -a fellow "student's" example of what NOT to write in an cultural anthropology participant observation ethnography paper

An important announcement (Although not one that justifies any kind of exclamation marks or words in all caps): I'm going to try stories...and some other stuff. That's all.

I was at work last Tuesday being a "bartender" and whatnot, when something not-not-worth talking about occurred. Keep in mind that this already took place, so this is just like reading a brand new history text book written by a nerd/comedian/linguistic enthusiast instead of boring white people...you know white people, they're so boring, with all their money, power and generally greater affluence. "Poo on them" is what I say, whenever I'm at a restaurant that serves lemonade with free refills. Anyways, back to the event. I'm working at the bar and out of my left peripheral vision, I see something dark and potentially intriguing walking towards the front of the glass doors between the bar and the parking lot.

I look away to clean a glass like they do in cowboy movies, and look out to see this black shemale that looked a lot like the black alien guy from Star Trek (I don't care, so don't tell me). He/she was about 5'5", with a fivehead that lit up underneath the 1960s lights outside the building and had calves protruding from the back of his/her figure more than his/her ass...though not as much as those mammoth thighs that could kill an MMA child-support-avoider...err, "fighter."

After waving at me and me giving the standard fake-smile, he/she motions through the glass if he/she can come inside with his/her cigarette and I give him/her this look like "Umm, did you not read the City of Houston Smoking Ordinance from September 1st 2007?" and he/she's like "Ok, I'll finish this up." Now my comedian mind kicks in with the standard narcissism "This bitch is going to say some weird shit, but he/she doesn't know I've heard jokes about rape since I was in middle school. Bring it person whom I could smugly defeat in a spelling bee." He/She walks in and says "You look like you want to get your dick sucked when you get off work." (But much "blacker", I couldn't find any Ebonix Language Support in Microsoft Word)

I immediately replied with "Oh, thank you so much, but I just got two of them recently so I'm good. I appreciate it though. To be frank, I'm kind of up to my shoulders in blowjobs." However, as I was saying that, two thoughts immediately hugged my mind-grapes in reaction to what she had said. 1)....Ummm, is that what you got from all that? Because those were not the non-verbal messages I was intending to send, at all...in this interpersonal communication." 2) Are we talking about this going down, for free?...or are you looking for money? Because I m not paying for a gay blowjob. If it's free and it gets out, I can tell people I was blowjob raped. Which, I think we can all agree, is the worst possible rape of all. As in THE WORST. Out of all the rapes that could happen to you, and there are many, I can't think of a single kind, aside from the one that I'm talking about, that can even be compared with the horrific and unparalleled disgust...of a blowjob rape. Oh look...

This is an original photograph of 3 Initech employees savagely
beating a horse despite it obviously being fake and dead.

The shemal and I end up talking, since my girlfriend denied my application to receive a blowjob at no cost to her...she never lets me do anything! He/she tells me that he/she had just caught his/her, I assume gay, boyfriend of three years with another woman in a bed and home that he/she "dances 5 days of out the week for." I'm a human being in a relationship of three monthsish. I want to help. I do what I would do in any situation like this and ask myself: What would Liz Lemon do? In true fashion to the lifestyle I've chosen for myself, at the assured yet necessary disappointment of my parents, I reply with "Three years and he cheated on you? In your bed that you pay for in the home you pay for? If that was me, that'd be a DEALBREAKER."

He/she sees the computer screen where I place orders and create contextual-based comically-named tables and asks if he/she could order something on the screen and if it would tell the kitchen to make it. I tell him/her that I could, but there's no way he/she's getting back here, and yes, all food orders go to the kitchen, liquor orders come to the bar and good luck getting a soft drink on a weekday. I turn around to make some drinks and as I look up to see what he/she's up to, two cops come in and begin asking him/her if they can talk. He/She starts protesting and they take him/her around to the side of the building to question him/her. Naturally, this takes two-and-a-half hours and with a total of FOUR different cops, because getting four identical cops would be absolutely stupid. In the end (i.e. When my food arrived), they take him/her away and as the cop leaves, he answers the only question I cared to ask: They booked her as a male.

I'm so used to being on top of replacing condoms that when I forget, I literally have to deal with stuff falling out of my wallet until I buy more. I'm unsure as to whether this is funny or weird, but it's a fact I have to live with that I don't really know what to do with. It's taking up space in my brain and something tells me that such a space could be filled with something better suited to my future, like how to most effectively bring back the word jabroni, something I've been attempting to do for almost four months now. I suppose I would be fine with how to stop writing so many fucking run-on sentences...

A friend asked me if I ever wake up to crusty hands, referring to nocturnal emissions all over your sleepy hands. I said no, because in my dreams, I actually fuck people. Not masterbate to them...in a DREAM. How sad of a life do you need to have to where even in your dreams, you can't get laid.

Whenever I'm at work and see a server close out a tab, only to receive a declined credit card slip, my favorite thing to do is to quickly jump facing them and in the most childish sing-songy way, tease them with "Ha ha! Your customers are po-or. Your customers are po-or. You're customers hit their kids because that's what they grew up with. Your customers prefer to spend money on over-priced food and a movie than be responsibly adults. Your customers don't read." The song is still being built, maybe a beta will be available soon, but that's not true.

I'm transferring to Texas State in San Marcos, TX next semester because I've definitely made the right decisions in life. A friend of mine was telling me how those morning after pills, Plan-B, are only $10 in San Marcos as opposed to $30 in Houston, and I said "Well that's because that entire town is plan-b." I'm not saying going to TX State is like getting an abortion, but lets just say they're both rarely something you plan on doing. The only place in the same category is Texas Tech. Let's be honest, Lubbock wouldn't even be on a US map if they didn't have so many Walmarts.

I'm majoring in Marketing because I don't believe in god and need something to pay the bills until I can do stand up as a "career." Did you know that 100% of immigrant parents would cry if they read that? I do.

I could never be a doctor. Not just because I get squemish around blood, but because I don't want to operate on some random ethnic person. Have you ever stood near someone from India? I would much rather operate on the white guy, I bet he washes his hands and showers on a daily basis. I suppose I could be the racist doctor, the Mel Gibson to Hawk-eye's misogyny.

Well that's about it. Until next week, how about writing that entire story with both pronouns conjugated correctly? I bet that was almost as much a bitch to write as it was to read! If you ever tell this story out loud, make sure to refer to the character as a her. She may have been born a guy, but if she went through all that trouble, discrimination and hate to identify herself in a way that takes less than a syllable to change in how you address her...do it and make her day.

Also, the trailer for Four Lions, a movie about terrorists in England who are basically just idiots like you and everyone that's not you.

Here's a bonus video.

For the record, the only reason I posted this is because I've never been able to have a bad day after hearing a child curse. It's an event that mixes shock and joy into a beautiful emotion that is similar to the one that happens when an old person says something racist or when a conservative cheats on his wife with multiple gay men. Aside from that, the video seems like it was written by an angry 9-year old with early signs of mental instability. All I'm saying is that, THAT is not how you package your message.

Day 84

2010-09-30T14:40:00.003-05:00

I'm actually apathetic to Katy...but not to the Perrys.

Chinese people are funny...or Indians...or Mexicans...or whatever the fuck those guys are.

LOTW: Why is mother's day a bigger event than father's day? Because dads hit harder...

On the UT "Shooter" event...you CANNOT be called a shooter unless you...wait for it...SHOOT SOMEONE!! This guy wasn't a terrorist. He wasn't a shooter. He wasn't a killer. He was a waste of an AK-47. I doubt I'll ever kill someone for the sole fact that it's too risky and I could get caught, however, if I was given an AK-47 at a college, 90% of all my bullets fired would come in contact with someone else, with the last couple saved for yours truly. Also, have any of ya'll ever even seen an AK-47? They're pretty big when they've got a stock attached, and they're pretty heavy, so props to whatshisname for being able to turn the gun around on himself and actually successfully commit suicide before getting caught. Ok, go back to class and quit bitching about whatever you're bitching about.

I feel like we fucked up as a developing race by getting rid of slavery. If we're a species started by aliens (If hieroglyphics and Indiana Jones 4 were of any indication, we ARE), and they gave us the idea and practice of slavery...then when they come back, they are going to be PISSED. I don't have a joke for this I just wish I had a slave to drive me while I do dirty-nothings in my backseat. She'd be around my age, a brunette, glasses, about 5 feet and 4 1/2 inches and her name would be Tina Fey.

I was thinking about how crazy the concept of getting an autograph really is. When you ask for an autograph, you essentially want proof that you met the person...so autographs are basically just receipts for people you've met. This idea interests me because I like to see what people do with people-receipts. Black people tend to use them as alibi's because they know you can't trust them, White people use them for tax purposes, and Mexicans don't know what taxes are.

I don't understand kissing. I mean, I like it, a lot, but it doesn't really make any sense. Where does passion and the idea "Hey, let me punch your mouth with my mouth" come together? Also, the mouth is the filthiest and most germ and bacteria infested area in your body. Why would you want put the dirtiest part of your body into the other dirtiest part of your significant other? The only thing dirtier would be to just rub both sides of your hand on their tongue. Yeah, just think about doing that...let it set in your mind-grapes. Our mouths are actually dirtier than a penis (or vagina), that's why it doesn't make sense to wash your hands AFTER you pee. If anything, you should wash your hands BEFORE you pee, so you don't get your penis (or vagina) dirty. The last thing you want is a dirty penis, especially if it's sweaty, because then the dirt and sweat and make penis-sweat-mud and it will smell like something a yak vomiting after going to Taco Bell, drinking half a gallon of spoiled whole milk and a bucket full of pubes.

...although that might have gone a bit too far, It didn't.

Now, I know this site is pretty basic, but mark these words: One day, when my life gets off the ground, I'll have the money to be able to finally create a website as beautiful as this guy (Click on him for the site!):

Sponsored by MS Paint and a very intoxicated 6-year old lesbian with Parkinson's Disease.

One of the best parts of not having online classes is that I get the joy of interacting with people all day long and adapting appropriately. For instance, today someone was talking about the Tea Party or Gay Marriage, I can't remember, they're both pretty homosexual though, and they began their "statement" by saying that they've "read the bible and stuff." Whenever people say stuff like that, I know it's time to talk to my neighbors, lock eyes with my professor and give them a "Check out this guy's research" look or my personal favorite, open a bag of chips while they're talking...a term I'm using VERY loosely.

For my first exam of the semester I decided to be a good boy and get to class early and instead of cramming last minute stuff I wont remember, I ended up just listen to my professor talk about his marriage. This is how the pre-exam conversation went:

Professor: You know what I've learned from 14 years of marriage?

Class: ...

Professor: The longer you're married, the earlier in the day you need to start foreplay.

Class: Hahaha // groans // haha

Me: ::raise my hand::

Professor: Yes?

Me: Oh, umm... What's "foreplay?" Is that golf related?

Class: Hahaha

Professor and Class: Random banter while I be a nerd on my phone.

Professor: Alright, let me shut the door so we can get started. Is the next chapter in the book about Intimacy & Sex or Conflict Resolution?

Me: What's the difference?

Badum, TISSS! Thanks everyone, I'll be here all semester!!

I feel as if the most dangerous race combination is Asian and blacks. I can't really explain my reasoning but I just know that if you know someone who's Asian, I'm willing to bet they would rather hang out with anyone but those colored folks. To be fair, Asian people tend to be at least four times more racist than any other race, and that includes white people. Have any of you ever seen a black woman date an Asian guy? Would you like to? Me too, but I'm scared of the outcome. Something tells me that if the entire black community could enslave a race, they'd get the Asians and then use them against the whites...a little yellow fever can go a long way when all the Lucy Liu and Zyang Ziyis of the world are all snatched up. Hell, just look at Mark Zuckerberg; the youngest billionaire on the planet and what's the only thing of his every nerd or male in general would kill for? His Asian woman.

A black lady came into my Digital Imaging class to print something or other and as she left she asked my professor, albeit loud enough for the entire class to hear: "Ya'll aint got no women in dis class?!!" Immediately, the two girls in the class turned around and made themselves known by saying something I didn't hear because a MAN next to me was saying something. The lady laughs it off, says "my bad" (classic) and then asks what class this was. Without missing a beat I said "Misogyny 2302" and immediately put my professor in the most awkward position possible. Would you like to know the worst part? Nothing interesting happened. She just left after saying "You're funny, bye!" before I could even say "I know."

So I normally wouldn't do this but after a pretty long chunk of the single life full of promiscuity, apathy and fairly consistent narcissism, I've begun what I would assume is called a "real" relationship. I'm not exactly sure I know what it means, aside from the fact that quotation marks make it sound super serious, but I'm happy. We're only a few months in and still in the infatuation stage but I'm definitely happy with my ginger. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm dating a redhead and I couldn't be more fucking ecstatic about it. I don't even tell people her name before I tell them she's a redhead. I can officially cross "redhead" off of my list of future conquests...in case you're wondering, there's only four left and that Asian one is going to be a little harder than I expected. Oh, and like all gingers, she lacks a soul but when you get down to it souls are for bible-fuckers to parade around, black people to lose and white people's to sell.

Alright, that's it until next week so go see The Social Network and prepare to have your mind-grapes blown to bits.

Day 83

2010-09-10T00:32:00.002-05:00

The perfect snack for your beloved pedophiles!

LOTW: I'm like The Jeffersons of bitches! I'm just movin' on up! -Me...I don't know.

Have you ever gotten so drunk you try to make a snow angel during the summer, inside, on your tile floor while facing down? Me neither.

I recently realized that it's going to be impossible for me to have a normal restroom experience. Last week I was in the restroom of a movie theater. Using the urinal furthest from the door, a kid takes the mini-urinal a few spots down and as his stream becomes audible, some old guy with grey hair comes in, stands next to him. He then proceeds to ask the kid what he thought of the movie and other stuff that shouldn't be mentioned in a place where your mouth should rarely be open. By this point, they're both peeing quite loudly, I'm trying to make it look like I'm still peeing without being obvious about my eavesdropping, so I go wash my hand and my favorite part happens. The kid finishes, walks out without washing his as the old guy exclaims: "Where are you going? Don't leave me!" Which I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to say to a nine-year-old, unless you yourself are nine-years-old.

My friend Marc has a really shitty couch. It's so shitty he bought a blanket to put on top so the experience of its horrendous smell and fabric escapes the ignorant guests that happen upon it. After seeing it's true and hideous nature, a friend said "It's not THAT bad." He was mistaken, so I proceeded to correct him with the following logic: Based on the couch's shoddy workmanship and selection of fabric, it was likely made in the mid/late 60s, we were born in the mid/tale 80s...this couch is so fucking old, it was considered out and out-dated before we were even born. The moral ? Don't trust couches you're not allowed to see.

I was watching TV recently and as I was scrolling through the on-screen guide, I found two shows with the most straightforward and almost-unappealing titles I have ever read. The first was George Washington Slept Here. I love it, it tells you exactly how bored you're going to be, right before you don't watch it. The other was called The Woman with Half a Body. Not sober, I axed my surrounding friends if they thought it was going to be a woman with the top or bottom half. We eventually decided it was probably the top since the bottom, while much more attractive (Read: Less annoying), would probably only reach the demographic of males 18-24. The top half, however, would reach the demographic of all women and gays because it was probably an hour-long show about some woman whining about how she can't meet a decent guy who can look past the half that he will never have sex if he marries her...or she'll get lockjaw from all the blowjobs she'll have to give just to keep him around. Don't get me wrong, I love blowjobs, but no mouth, regardless of how small and/or young it is, will ever compensate for a proportionately-sized vagina....and that's why I call this blog The Greater Truth.

Did you understand Inception? I know Xzibit did.

I was watching a movie in a movie theater recently (I know, how nerdy of me), and as soon as the lights dimmed, a woman looked back at me as if it was time to shut up. I was feeling...bold and intelligent and proceeded to explain where she made a mistake and said "Ma'am, I'm a big movie nerd, I know how this works. The lights go dim = We take our seats. Commercials begin = We talk to drown out the bullshit. Trailers come on = You say the last thing you think is important and then shut just as the production company's logo pops up." Now, I ended up repeating this to some friends, and I found out that this is not the case for black people.

I did some research and found out that when you're black and running on CP time it goes more like this:

The lights dim - They put out the blunt in their car's ashtray.
Commercials begin - They buy their tickets and go inside the lobby.
Trailers start - They wait until everyone is inside and then go into the theater as a group.
Movie kicks off - They noisily get to the seats in the place that's most difficult to get to.
5-20min into the movie - They sit snickering to eachother
30+ minutes in - All hell fucking breaks loose and they get loud
45min in - An angry white person has told the manager and they've come in to get them to leave.
In the lobby - They try to get their money back, and when they don't, they say "This is bullshit" and go kill a random white person.
After the movie - Half of the theater demands a refund and instead they get free passes to live through this experience again!

I don't think I really even need to justify this. I know this exists and I have no idea what to do with this information. Spread it, I suppose.

Day 82

2010-07-06T14:43:00.003-05:00

This image was taken right before they died, because this shit is getting out of hand.

LOTW: I don't know, but smell me, quick! -Dream talk

There's a new Lady Gaga sex doll that goes by the professional and stage name of Lady Gag-gag. The tag lines for the doll include "She loves it when you Poke her face" and "She's so dirty, even her doll smells!" And to that, I say, Happy 4th of July! America!!

A lot of people like to think the BP oil spill won't affect them. I'm here to tell you you're wrong. You may say "But Homero, I never go outside, I prefer to stay inside and play video games and shoot brown people." and I would reply "I love doing that too, but you know those barrels next to the cluster of enemies that you can shoot to cause an enormous explosion? If there's no more oil, there's no more barrels to shoot." Think about it.

In the Obama Administration's Remake of the Karate Kid, the film begins with Jaden Smith putting on his best sad face and looking at the door frame that features his marked growth. The director then shows us that his father is dead by including a shot of the height marks and highlighting one that reads: DADDY DIED. As if that's the very first thing every child does upon hearing about the death of a parent or loved one. Then the movie actually starts and you get the first taste of the soundtrack. Make sure to memorize the name of the music supervisor so you can look them up on IMDB and make sure to never watch another movie they work on again.

Once they finally get to China, they just happen to meet a white kid who also happens to play basketball, which as some of you may know, is a treasured African tradition. It's almost as if the studios were refusing to give them money until they made sure one white kid with blond hair was portrayed as a genuine good person. After meeting the lovely Aryan child, you're introduced to the most absolutely EVIL Chinese kid, who's only mission is to just defecate on this single black kid's happiness. All the while the Yank acts like a typical white guy and just watches disapprovingly like "Hey, don't look at me, I didn't tell the kid to look at people with a mixture of confusion and fussiness." Back to the Chinese kid though, because when he zeros in on Jaden Smith, he FUCKS HIS SHIT UP! It was so violent and full of hatred I couldn't stop laughing at its intensity. I really wanted to see this Chinese kid kill what was probably the only black child he's ever seen, and IN FRONT OF THE KID'S OWN MOTHER! Now THAT would've been a hell of a movie, it could've ended with him eventually fighting against Barack Obama. Oh well, maybe in the sequel....which they are planning.

In the end, it was a good story, the black kid makes out with the Chinese chick after she plays DDR in front of him to the tune of Lady Gaga. This sounds like I'm making it up but it's true, it even finishes by the game saying "You're Hott!" Every pedophile gave this movie 10 Horrified-Parents out of 10 horrified-parents. In the end, Jaden Smith uses black magic to beat the Chinese minion and Jackie Chan learns the valuable and often forgotten lesson that black people are people too.

Does chicken pox still exist? Are kids around the world still being held back by the crippling disease that plagues more children than chickens despite it's namesake? Do underdeveloped countries still feel the pain of being constantly itchy? How can we, as Americans, allow this abomination to continue? When will white-science step up and say "We've had it with chicken pox! We're putting down these Cialis 2: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger pills and working on The Pox-Cok-Block!"

I want to get into an argument with someone and get them riled up until they yell at me "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" so that I can then angrily reply with "I ALREADY DID THAT TWICE THIS MORNING, BUT IF IT WILL CALM YOU DOWN THEN I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!"

I think it's safe to say that no one cares about Jews, Muslims can't be trusted anymore (Then again, could they ever?) and everyone wants Christians to just shut the fuck up...but what about the Kwanzaa bullshit? It's growing in popularity every year and pretty soon we're going to start getting black christmas movies made by people other than Tyler Perry. Once that happens...all is lost. All I'm saying is that we need to stop stocking every Walgreens and CVS with Kwanzaa products and hope it dies out on its own.

This little story is one I've been meaning to post but wrote it in my stand up file and forgot about it a couple months ago:

I went to Denny's Diner, which is like a regular Denny's except it's almost exclusively for black people. Now, I did not know this at the time, so naturally, I went after smoking like 3 bowls with some friends. Now, to give you an idea of who I'm with, I've got a friend who also happens to be a gay and could NOT do ONE push-up to save his life. Then we have 2 girls, one is an art major, so you know one of us is going to have to lend her some money, and the other is not only the youngest and most sheltered of the bunch, but is also one inch away from being a legal midget. So we've got four high college students, of which, I'm the strongest...which is like having a Holocaust survivor defend you. On a side note, you know you're a pretty shitty posse when the comedian has the most money.

So we pull into the parking lot and I already feel out of place because of the cars we parked next to. First of all, there was a taxi, and considering there are approximately eight cabs in Houston, all of which are driven by black guys, it did not seem as this trip would bode well for at least one of us. On the other side, however, there was a station wagon with wood panels that is probably owned by an old racist black guy who may or may not like to yell at people my age. The car next to that guy was the one that really bothered me, it was a recently parked El Camino (I could tell because the rims were still spinning) with the windows tinted so much you could tie three white people together, set them on fire, throw them in the car with the doors shut and you wouldn't be able to see a thing. Although the screaming would definitely tip someone off eventually, because let's be honest, white people love to scream like little bitches...kinda like how black people like to scream as if someone cares.

So my 3 friends and I walk into this diner, which is L-shaped, and are seated in the very back-CORNER of the restaurant, where we couldn't be seen, or "identified" from the front door. We are so far away from the black customers I couldn't start an interracial food-fight if I wanted to. As I look around to inspect my surroundings, I see we're seated under the only painting in the entire building with white people in it, as if they're supposed to protect us when the inevitable gang fight begins. That's about the time I noticed that it was actually a painting filled with dead white people! I don't know how it got past important while people but this image was disturbing to someone in my state of mind and made me wait for my expected death. As it turned out though, black people really know how to do manual labor. For my understanding and bravery, I was awarded the most delicious burger I had had in months.

Alright my little lions or lambs, until next time: Lindsey Lohan breaking probation is NOT news.

Day 81...War.

2010-06-02T12:42:00.001-05:00

He ran to it because he thought it was a big penis a giant left behind that no one was using.

It is funny because they are not intel - li - gent.

Looks like the blacks have got some 'splainin' to do to the Jews...all this time, Hitler was black.

LOTWs: I use the same razor for my pubes and face because I just don't give a fuck. -Random person

A corndog is just a hotdog with a delicious sweater - Some guy's chalkboard on ESPN

I haven't updated THIS in a while. I've been busy doing stuff or not doing stuff so I haven't really been taking note of too much. I'm sure I'll get back into the swing of things soon, or not, who knows, really? I've been too busy writing everything funny into stand up jokes that this barely gets any content. Then again, I've also been writing a lot of jokes that I know are never going to get any stage time because they're not funny enough or just long anecdotes. Like this one: I finally watched my first episode of Law and Order: SVU. Although it should DEFINITELY be retitled Rape Victims Unit. I saw an episode where a chick gets raped, lets call her Rape Victim 1. Halfway through the rape she beats the fucking shit out of the guy and calls an ambulance for him, which I found both badass and extremely amusing. Anyways, when he wakes up in the hospital, he tells the cops "Oh, she wanted me to rape her" which I figured was probably true, but since it's still illegal, I knew it was going to have to be special circumstances. As it turned out, she DID want it...well, not in so many words, at least. Apparently, someone created an account as her on a sexual fantasy site and got a guy to rape her...and that "someone" turned out to be her stalker ex-boyfriend...who was raped his ENTIRE childhood (Rape Victim 2). Two rape victims that used to date, who knew rape and love could be so close to eachother...oh wait, I did.

Later, the judge of the case tells a cop that his children were kidnapped as...well, kids, and he eventually found out that they had been raped and killed and buried, along with almost 20 other kids, in places known only to the pervert (Who was also raped, so Rape Victim 3). When the pervert was later caught, he gave a very detailed description of everything...except the location of the bodies. Slowly, and one-by-one, he gave up the information to every child's body except the judge's son. The cop, suggested by the judge because he knew of his aggressiveness, tortures RV3 until her gets the location...and it turns out there was no body!! Hahaha, oh man, the judge was sooooo sad he disappeared for a couple weeks until the cops busted in his house and find that he killed RV2's father!! Here's the twist, RV2's father was the pervert who took him from the judge!! Meaning.....that RV2 was almost sentenced to life in jail by his own father! Oh, and the chick from the beginning, RV1? She's never seen again. They pretty much told the most innocent and undeserving person in the story to fuck off. Even better though, would you like to know how the Law and Order: SVU writers explain all this at the end? They don't, the credits pop up and it leads into something just as fucking absurd...kinda like this.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of The Boondocks, in fact, I'm about to get started on the 2nd season, and I've managed to catch some of the new ones...like the newest episode. This show is greatly(!) hilarious and awesomely animated. In the latest one, however, it spawned a hatred of "Old Niggas" that always be hatin'. In keeping with the war-themed animations up there and the title of this entry (Brain Penetration?), I will now be declaring war on Old Niggas around the world! I will not stand for the death of Bushido Brown:

...or as he's known in real life: Black Dynamite!

Hey! The next time you're in high school and have the strongest desire to go to Mexico and help smuggle immigrants into the US...Don't.

I recently found out Mardi Gras was originally in October, but was moved to February once October became Breast Cancer month...yeah, apparently scars don't get you any extra beads. Besides, no guy wants to throw beads they spent their child-support money on at women with Tits: Version 1 and a half.

I wonder how often Yoga instructors are approached by students after a session and ask them where to get the best dro...

A customer asked me during Sex and the City 2 if I was single. When I said yes, she asked me if working that movie was like working at an amusement park. I replied "Not really, it's more like a buffet." Basically, the women come out in droves, with each even more disposable and wet than the last. Every time the "Australian rugby players" came on screen I could feel the humidity in the theater triple, it was certainly an experience.

You know, sometimes I get really nerdy, pull out a calculator and figure out random math problems like:

If I were to get 67 cents every time I caught a homeless guy attempt to defecate on a cat, I'd be almost 23 dollars richer!!
If a baby fetus is basically the same size as a quarter, then the "life" of a fetus is worth about 25 cents...but once you factor in the amount of money it actually costs to raise it, abortion becomes a financial necessity!

I've been doing some thinking and I'm pretty sure getting Down's Syndrome is the way to go in life. I mean, think about it, you're always happy. It's not like you know you have the syndrome because even if someone wanted to tell you, you're lacking in so many brain functions that you wouldn't be able to understand it anyway. Also, your life expectancy is pretty low and chances are you'll end up dying long before any real or devastating shit can happen to you. The best part of all? You never have to worry about what to wear on a date!!

I don't think enough people have said "I sure picked a hell of a day to quit picking my nose." I would quite like to hear it in a dramatic context.

I think a good prank would be to get a couple sticks of Big Red gum, cut it into little pieces, put them inside someone's eye drops, shake it up, take out any solid pieces and watch as hilarity ensues.

Hey look!!: Google Chrome is faster than lighting!

Oh, and here's Werner Herzog narrating Where's Waldo:

Day 80

2010-05-04T18:13:00.005-05:00

Hahahahahahahaha...she's a fat.

LOTW: Anne Frank was some lame dork who probably would've survived the holocaust if she'd given it up to the person who knew where her and her family were hiding... -Me, right now.

You know what I just noticed? I titled all these entries as a different day, but at the beginning of each one I have something called the "Line of the Week" and I only update this twice a month...NOTHING IN THIS BLOG MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE!!

Don't you love how excited and happy kids get when they realize their birthday is coming up? Me neither.

Normally, I'd let the punchline, the article in this case, speak for itself...but that's not happening with something as absurd as that. Lets begin with the standard What. The. Fuck?! Aside from me, what kind of parent sees an advertisement for that guy and his "services" and then decides to PAY HIM MONEY TO DO IT?! Where's the logic? First of all, you're wasting money. Instead of paying some guy to annoy your kid for a week, what you SHOULD be spending that money on is your kid's present, like a new set of nunchucks or throwing knives or some other weapon that could potentially save him from being attacked by a real evil clown. If there's one thing all scientists agree on, it's that you don't fuck around with evil clowns unless you're armed and willing to fight...and yes, that means 5 out of 5 doctors agree, not even the pussy hold-out from every toothpaste commercial can take on an evil clown by himself. Also, when you really get down to trass-backs, you quickly realize that this is all just really fucking wrong. Let me get this straight: As a parent, you want to willingly pay money out of your own pocket to have some stranger who enjoys dressing up in socially unacceptable costumes and texting creepy things to kids, to harass and terrorize your offspring so they can be scared out of their mind on their birthday, most likely in front of all of their friends?...and people STILL think abortion is "mean"? NO. FUCKING. SENSE. My favorite part of the article comes from the evil clown justifying his "business" by claiming "...most kids absolutely love being scared senseless." No. They don't. Kids love yelling, going fast, sugar, video games and boobies. End of story.

I don't understand why alcohol is legal and weed isn't. Unlike alcohol, weed has never been attributed to a guy hitting his girlfriends...it just reminds him how insignificant she is...

I'm going to release my new innovention today under the name: Grinder Jeans. These new jeans will be available everywhere for bar/club patrons who want to bring flirting to a whole new level.

Women will have Grinder Jeans that are thinner, yet tighter buttocks area so guys can immediately know whether they have a genuine ass in front of them or just some conveniently placed cellulite. Also included will be a zipper that closely resembles that of a Ziploc bag because I have too many Ziploc bags, which leads me to my patented "rip 'em N fix 'em" design that is extremely convenient for the horny and impatient drunk/pothead.
Mens will be considerably different. One side of the inner thigh will be thinner so girls can know you mean business, and the other will actually be thicker to prevent from getting over-aroused and let the reveal come to the other side whenever YOU are ready to make the switch. Also, the middle crotch are will be made of very flexible material so less chafing and "riding up" occurs, while still having a comfortable fit and being able to easily move your package from one side to the other as needed. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, each pair of jeans will have a small, hidden pocket for holding a small pack of condoms.
Kids models will look like regular jeans except they'll have velcro instead of a zipper because kids love velcro and the crotch area. They will also include pockets on the inside so they can carry Gameboys, slingshots, rubber bands, bouncy balls, candy and other things they can use to cause trouble.
All jeans will come in sizes that can only be worn by people who aren't fat. If I wanted fat people to wear my jeans, I would have made those massive pants all the fat, soulless kids wore in middle school, but I don't, so I didn't.

I must now present to you, the advantages of having a Dueling Legal System over our current one:

Like most of you know, I work at Studio Movie Grill, which is what happens when the baby from a shitty restaurant and a shitty movie theater contracts herpes that is ALWAYS flaring up. Anyways, when tickets are purchased for the next showtime of a film that is still playing, the customers are placed in one of three lines so the people who bought tickets first get into the theater first. Last week, Line 1 consisted of people going to Date Night, Line 2 was empty and Line 3 had people going to see the Tyler Perry movie...needless to say, when I walked in for my shift, I was convinced segregation had been legalized once again. Sadly, this was not the case. It's not my fault that the people who think Tyler Perry "movies" are watchable also happen to be the same people in police line-ups. If you want to be treated equally, you have to act equal.

Sometimes I wish I only dated fat chicks...but only because you can treat them like shit and they're just grateful to be with someone who rarely finishes all their food. Just kidding, I wouldn't let some fat chick eat my food. Before you begin to judge me harshly, think about it this way: eventually they're grow to hate me and force themselves to lose weight and look slightly attractive just to spite me. In other words, my actions will have produced another not-fat chick for the benefit of all not-fat guys in the area. It's a win-win! The only way there could even be a loser is if someone took the fatty's fat-feelings into account, but let's be real, fatties don't count as real people; therefore they don't have real emotions. Think about it, normal people talk their feelings out and fat people eat them away...which one is morally correct? Certainly not the one dealing with gluttony, or as it's more popularly known: one of the Seven Deadly Sins!! Put this all together and you get undeniable proof that fat people are going to hell, right with the jews, retards and gingers.

If you're not sure if you're fat or not, answer this question truthfully to find out: Have you ever finished masturbating and thought "Man, I really shouldn't be this tired?" If you answered yes, or didn't laugh while saying no immediately, then you. are. fat. leave. my. site. kthnx.

This is Mr. Stewart explaining the stupid South Park "fiasco" from the 201st episode:

and this is the unofficial music video to Pase Rock's fucking awesome song called: Lindsey Lohan's Revenge.

Day 79

2010-04-14T15:45:00.005-05:00

No, but it'll make you grow big and strong so you can stop being such a bitch about swallowing...

LOTW: Tiger's Got Wood -The name of some porn that parodies the world's most famous half-black half-something-asian guy who also happens to be good at golf.

This update is going to be a bit different from the previous ones only because I wrote very little of this. Instead, there's just a shitload of links to things I've found in the past week and a half that have made me say to myself "People need to see this. Also, I need to stop talking to myself." Without further ado, get your mouse-3 button ready to open some tabs because here we (you) go!

You know how kids do the darndest things? Well, there's a girl from Portland that...well...let's just say that if there was a competition for a kid doing the darndest thing, she. Would. Win.

I don't understand this whole craze for not wearing shoes on April 8th. If I was a kid who had never had shoes in my entire life and then I found out that people with many good pairs of shoes were just leaving them at home and wasting their potential, I would be confused, angry, insulted, saddened and offended that someone would be that fucking stupid. So this April 8th -Your death, do the right thing and WEAR. YOUR. FUCKING. SHOES. Besides, your feet are absolutely disgusting, so if you don't wear shoes for yourself, at least do it for everyone that's going to have to see your feet for the rest of the day, you inconsiderate douche.

Would you like a blow job by Hillary Duff? ME TOO! Here's how you do it, because apparently its easy, all you need to do is propose to her and you get this!

Here's an interesting little letter to a lady who thinks that homosexuality is an abomination, when in reality it's just gross. Anywhoozle, the guy who wrote it decided to use her sacred over-detailed brochure against her, resulting in this. I mean, the bible saying we're not allowed to own people?! That's ridiculous! I mean, that's like saying that every person in history like Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and your great-grandfather are all in hell...oh wait, they are. You white people and your shitty decisions.

If you watch Rambo backwards, it's Sylvester Stallone healing people with his magical bullet vacuum.

Do you like baco-of course you fucking like bacon, everyone likes bacon. Well, do you also love Star Wa-of course you like Star Wars, everyone that's not black loves Star Wars and I don't know any black people who can spell "blog," much less use a computer. so I don't expect any angry emails written with Caps Lock on. Anyways, enough racist tangents. As Liam Neeson would say: RELEASE THE BACON AT-AT!!

For those of you that STILL don't follow me on Twitter, you may not know that I recently became an official member of PETA (People for the Eating of Tender Animals).

This next link is my favorite one of all, well, second to the Link of Hyrule, because it's something that totally makes sense on my level of intensity. I'm not even going to explain it because the article has an excerpt which does the job so much better than I could ever hope to do:

"A flexible polyurethane condom-like tube that fits into the woman's body.... Rows of jagged plastic hooks line the inside of the tube — bent backward like teeth in a shark’s mouth — and lodge in a perpetrator's penis upon entry."

That's right...let it sink in. Ok, here's the link to the article. Now that your mind and penis have officially been blown, let's discuss this. It's basically a backwards condom, because the last thing that can be considered is "safe." Let me begin by saying that I whole-heartedly approve of this being sold to women everywhere, hell, if I go to prison I'll probably end up getting myself a case or 18 (If you know what I look like, you know I would be like a sex doll in prison). Despite this being awesome, however, I can't get into the mindset of how this would be applicable by a woman. I mean, do you put it in at the start of the day? How do you do it without hurting your finger or ruining a perfectly good banana/cucumber/glass-coke-bottle (I don't judge)? How does your mind process that? Do you take it out of the package, kiss it for good luck and say "I hope you come out empty today!" What if she's dating a guy from a sketchy part of town and they're about to have sex? Does she have to say "Wait, hold on, I need to take out my shark-toothed-ant-rape-condom out before you rip my vagina a new hole..."

Here's an interesting social aspect of this product though: A woman putting it in all day means she thinks she might be raped at any given point in her day, and if that's the case, she should worry less about what's going into her vagina and more into living in a better zip code. going back to my first point though, what if you're in Walgreens because CVS is gay and you see an ugly woman buy a pack of them? Do you give her the patronizing look I give fat guys when they buy condoms that says "Yeah, I'm totally sure you're gonna need all of those. Have fun with your video camera and loneliness for the next 6 hours, let me know how hard the EMS people laugh when you fuck it up." I think they should sell a 30-pack for hot women, and have it include a shirt that says DONT FUCK ME OR YOUR DICK WILL BLEED!! and under that, in smaller text, have it say (Unless I say it's A-OK!).

Fuck vampires and werewolves, I'd rather be a whenwolf and travel through time every full moon as Michael J. Fox.

This isn't funny, just nerdy. Some guy created a real life version of the famous computer system from the film adaptation of Iron Man, the one and only: JARVIS.

Why isn't "Color me gay because I'm going Gaga for [Awesome thing here like time machine or the next Zelda game]" a more popular phrase?

I couldn't pick which video I enjoyed more so I'm posting both of them, here you have 2 people fighting for the same job (In THIS economy?! How current!) and in the second one you have a family that loves Ellen Degeneres...except their angry, angry father:

Day 78

2010-04-01T15:34:00.002-05:00

This is what Devastator should've looked like if Michael Bay wasn't such a stupid douche...

LOTW: She had sex for, like, cheeseburgers -Maddie talking about a girl from high school

Bonus LOTW: She smells like Sexicrombie & Bitch -Me describing a customer at work

This entry will begin with the single most useful video I will ever post on here:

It's not secret that it's April Fools today and guess what I decided to do? Nothing. Just kidding, I'm not wearing any underwear. Why? Because it feels fucking great outside...hell, almost TOO great. So much that I'm convinced, and if you live in Houston, I'm sure you will be too, that this awesome weather is god's April Fools prank on Houston for the shit we're gonna get the rest of the year...prick.

I wish I was better at drawing so I could make a comic strip where in one post, a guy eats a girl out using the sound "Om nom nom nom nom nom" and then have an audio file of me actually doing it**.

So summer is right around the corner, then again, so are prostitutes but no one ever mentions them. I'm actually kind of excited because it will allow me to continue my long-standing tradition of going swimming with a faux-hawk and pretending I'm a shark with a full head of hair AND an attitude problem.

There's a picture on the internet that promotes America through its badassness. Most people think it can't be topped. I beg to differ. Kill you in your sleep on Christmas during wartime? How about we kill a few random people and psychologically destroy an entire town in France using LSD-spiked bread...FOR FUN?! This is why regardless of how fucked up the government and the super-rich are, at least my shitty day consists of a day when I go to Jack in the Box not 2min from my house and they accidentally give me mayo on my burger and not something like a fellow countryman decided to blow up my school to prove his point.

In case you're wondering, you haven't lived until you've watched Precious with a joint.

There are times when I lay awake in bed thinking: If my fridge COULD run away, how fast would it be? Would I be able to jog up to it and stop it or would I need a vehicle to cut it off? I mean, what if someone calling you and telling you your refrigerator was running was a serious problem and was a situation that had to be dealt with IMMEDIATELY? I assume it would be common to have some sort of GPS tracking device installed in all fridges just in case. Would black fridges run away a lot more often than white or beige ones? Maybe they'd run away based on how you treat them or how old they are, I imagine a refrigerator being 6 years old is like being a teenager so they'd always be trying to leave and hang out w/the sexy new ones down the street...then again, how would they know there are new ones down the street in the first place? What if they'd run away based on the kind of food you put in them and you get a fridge that HATES your favorite food like chicken pot pies, milk, eggs, chorizo, Coke Classic or Sunkist? Oh man, that would fucking suck, you'd have to chain that mofo down...unless it'd be illegal or something because of RAPE (Refrigerator Alliance for the Purpose of Emancipation).

Did you know that dipping your finger into Honey-BBQ sauce and then licking it off tastes amazing? Did you know that doing it for 47 consecutive minutes can make your mouth taste delicious? I do.

Sometimes I think I would be funnier if I was driving stoned and had a hit-and-run resulting in the death of 3 middle schoolers and me getting away with it. Maybe murder is the key to great comedy...or maybe I'm actually so hungry I'm willing to kill something and/or someone to get some food.

I was in my Child Psych class a few days ago and we were watching some PBS special-type-video with Alan Alda and a lady asked a kid "What's in the box?" so I replied (for all to hear), "Gwyneth Paltrow's head!" and only ONE other person in the class got it...if people were more well-rounded I wouldn't have such a big ego. (See what I did with the formatting there?)

Question: How often has the phrase "I love adultery as much as the next girl, but he's been getting a lot of uglies..." been said?
Answer: Not enough.

Lost would be better (read: Good) if they added Blue from Blue's Clues to help make sense of it all. Also, I wish I could have a relationship with a girl just like the one between the writers of Lost and everyone who's not a writer on Lost so that I could just write/say/do whatever I wanted to without any purpose or consequence.

If I moved to California and had a gajillion dollars, I would open up a hybrid supercenter of the following stores...all in one convenient building:

Half-Price Books
Jack-in-the-Box
KFC
Weed Dispensary
Gamestop
Gallery Furniture
Any mass-beer-brewery
Also, it would have nothing but my iTunes playing

Would you visit me and/or be a regular customer? I thought so.

Well that's it for me, I really need to start getting a 6 minute set together for Houston's Funniest Person Contest in a couple weeks. Until next time, remember this: Don't be such a Laydown Larry!

**Not an audio file of me making the noise, but of me eating a girl out WHILE I make the noise.

That video had NOTHING to do with the last thing I wrote.

Day 77

2010-03-10T02:00:00.001-06:00

Have fun with your iPad with wings...I can upgrade my RAM and video card. Can you?

LOTW: Hello, fully articulating, five-function robot...that can read my mind...and has feelings. - Phil from Modern Family.

An example of what NOT to tell someone when they present you their newborn child for the first time: "Eh, I guess this was about what I was expecting..."

I don't care what studies say, dating someone named Albert or Alberta makes you just as ugly as the name.

If Star Wars occurred a long, long time ago, then aren't all Star Wars geeks historians who have never seen a vagina?...so just historians?

Let's be honest, when it comes to picking majors, it's pretty goddamn easy:
Business - I want to make money.
Marketing - I want to make money regardless of ethics and morals.
Science - I want to create new things.
History - I made a language by mixing Gaelic and Klingon! Wanna hear me use it in a cover of Green Tambourine?

...no, actually...No. I don't. At all.

Want a fun fact? If a guy finds out a girl he knows is surprisingly slutty, he gets an erection and goes for it...but if a girl finds out a guy she's talking to is actually kind of a player, telling them they're your favorite vagina turns into one of those things that sound better in your head.

I went to the movies last week, which is not the surprising part since I do that all the time, but what's worth noting is that both me and my date went to the restroom after the movie. Not together mind you, she was being a bitch about that, but separately, like the insecure couples you see all the time. What's interesting is that, while women always take forever in private restrooms, is that they almost always beat the guys in public ones. It's like when three friends go pee at the same time and it becomes a little competition of who can be done the quickest...unless you've been drinking, in which case it turns into who can pee the longest without breaking the stream.

Is it weird that this gives me a full hard-on? Didn't think so.

I went to a screening of Matthew Vaughn's Kick-Ass last week and had the pleasure of waiting in line amid many nerds and virgins smelling of loneliness and Mountain Dew. The film was great and I'm sure everyone will love it, but like any other movie that's an adaptation, don't read/watch the source material because, like every other film adaptation with only a few exceptions, the new adaptation won't live up to the original. Sorry kids, but life is like this because God hates every one of us...equally though.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I look up at my ceiling and have random thoughts like these:

Sure, 7 ate 9...but no one ever talks about why 4 Five'd 6. What did 6 do to deserve such sneaky fratboy-praise from 4? Maybe 6 actually killed 9 and hid her under a 10t and framed 7. How is no one else worried about this. Someone needs to get 5, Hyphen and 0 together and figure this shit out. NINE IS DEAD AND NO ONE IS DOING A FUCKING THING!!
I wonder how many girls have been giving head and have sneezed on the guy's penis because their pubic hairs tickled their nose...
If keyboards that you can feel are called tactile keyboards, then aren't touch-screen keyboard just fucking annoying?
Seriously, someone find out what the fuck 6 was doing on the night of 9's death...and don't let 4 leave town...she knows something.

If one more person asks me if/how I've never paid for sex, I'm going to go fucking insane. First of all, yes, you give the hooker the money up front and fuck her. Then, you kill her using a hatchet or a knife you have concealed inside your pants/shoes. Anything silent that won't leave too much of a mess. Then you just wrap her up in a bedsheet and burn her ass and throw her in the trash. Why? BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT DEAD HOOKERS. So no, I've never lost any amount of cash before/during/after any sexual encounter. God damn it, I hate repeating myself.

Did you know that if you pause the Up in the Air DVD as Vera Farmiga's ass comes on screen...you can masturbate for an infinite amount of time?

I'd like to genuinely apologize to everyone who has ever read my blog for not posting this sooner because I found this MONTHS ago and for some reason or another, simply forgot to embed it at the end of a post. So, without further ado, I present to you, the Symphony of Science (Shane, this one's for you...but not like that):

It's my birthday...

2010-02-23T14:45:00.003-06:00

All sandwich bags should look like this...fucking thieves.

...and I'll post whenever the fuck I want to. Maybe this week before Friday? Maybe next week. We'll see...and by "we" I actually mean "me."

Off topic for a second (Because that NEVER happens on here), has anyone ever had blue balls accompanied by persistent flatulence? It sucks when it's cold outside so you have to let them go inside your car and it smells so wrong...but feels so goddamn right. Maybe it's just me...

Not as easy as hiding behind your legs...

2010-02-17T16:03:00.002-06:00

I came across this article the other day that follows Evan Ratliff, a writer for Wired, attempting to drop off the face of the earth and live for a month under another identity and not be found for a month. I'm not going to spoil a damn thing and just post the link so you can read it and find out what happened for yourself. It's 4 pages long but, like the previous post, well worth it. Besides, are you REALLY going to come to a comedy blog and then start whining about reading?

Hint: Click on the fucking picture.

This post is about Lost in Translation.

2010-02-17T15:54:00.004-06:00

Remember that scene in Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation where Bill fucking Murray is being told by the director how to say "Suntory Time" and the interpreter is totally not saying enough to match what the director said? Well, thanks to the good and old folks at the New York Times, it's been translated. I mean, haven't you spent nights wondering what they said? Me neither! Let's take a look!

DIRECTOR (in Japanese to the interpreter): The translation is very important, O.K.? The translation.

INTERPRETER: Yes, of course. I understand.

DIRECTOR: Mr. Bob-san. You are sitting quietly in your study. And then there is a bottle of Suntory whiskey on top of the table. You understand, right? With wholehearted feeling, slowly, look at the camera, tenderly, and as if you are meeting old friends, say the words. As if you are Bogie in ''Casablanca,'' saying, ''Cheers to you guys,'' Suntory time!

INTERPRETER: He wants you to turn, look in camera. O.K.?

BOB: That's all he said?

INTERPRETER: Yes, turn to camera.

BOB: Does he want me to, to turn from the right or turn from the left?

INTERPRETER (in very formal Japanese to the director): He has prepared and is ready. And he wants to know, when the camera rolls, would you prefer that he turn to the left, or would you prefer that he turn to the right? And that is the kind of thing he would like to know, if you don't mind.

DIRECTOR (very brusquely, and in much more colloquial Japanese): Either way is fine. That kind of thing doesn't matter. We don't have time, Bob-san, O.K.? You need to hurry. Raise the tension. Look at the camera. Slowly, with passion. It's passion that we want. Do you understand?

INTERPRETER (In English, to Bob): Right side. And, uh, with intensity.

BOB: Is that everything? It seemed like he said quite a bit more than that.

DIRECTOR: What you are talking about is not just whiskey, you know. Do you understand? It's like you are meeting old friends. Softly, tenderly. Gently. Let your feelings boil up. Tension is important! Don't forget.

INTERPRETER (in English, to Bob): Like an old friend, and into the camera.

BOB: O.K.

DIRECTOR: You understand? You love whiskey. It's Suntory time! O.K.?

BOB: O.K.

DIRECTOR: O.K.? O.K., let's roll. Start.

BOB: For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.

DIRECTOR: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! (Then in a very male form of Japanese, like a father speaking to a wayward child) Don't try to fool me. Don't pretend you don't understand. Do you even understand what we are trying to do? Suntory is very exclusive. The sound of the words is important. It's an expensive drink. This is No. 1. Now do it again, and you have to feel that this is exclusive. O.K.? This is not an everyday whiskey you know.

INTERPRETER: Could you do it slower and ----

DIRECTOR: With more ecstatic emotion.

INTERPRETER: More intensity.

DIRECTOR (in English): Suntory time! Roll.

BOB: For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.

DIRECTOR: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! God, I'm begging you.

They should have done this for the Japanese game show too.

Day 76

2010-02-11T13:01:00.001-06:00

Yes, actually, this IS a picture of Courtney Love getting her right tit sucked by black man at a party and/or shopping spree.

Line of the Week: The baby shower is at 10:30 right? And do we have to bring our own babies or will they be supplied for us? Can I call first dibs on the youngest? -Me asking a pregnant chick what I thought was a legitimate query...

Bonus LotW: If there's no grass on the field, turn her over and play in the mud -Shane on awesome pedophile philosophies.

First of all, the next person to say TGIF deserves to get in a crippling traffic collision. If anything, it should be TTPOTIF!! (Thank the Passage of Time it's Friday!!)

Maybe it's just me, but I find u-turns to be extremely sexy...My guilty pleasure is seeing one of those massive pickups do one, then I feel my hand go lower and I usually say something "oh yeah, baby, you can do it...just take it nice and slow. Don't try to force it..."

Word on the netz is that there's going to be new ketchup packets down the pike pretty soon, and if you're like me, then you probably thought the same thing I did when I saw the following picture: Thank God. No more are the days of not being able to open something half the size of an iPod Nano and being publicly humiliated. God, I can NOT wait until this is shown in commercials and people are shown attempting to frustratingly open the ones we have now in black and white and then people happily opening the new ones in color.

So there's this Facebook trend of posting the picture of a celebrity that looks like you as your profile picture. The only problem is that too many people who do this obviously don't own a full-length mirror. Sure you look like Anne Hathaway...if Anne Hathaway weighed 275lbs, 50 of which come directly from her(your) cankles. All I'm saying is that people should have to put disclaimers on their pictures for this kind of shit. If you can't fit into Gwyneth Paltrow's clothes, SHE IS NOT YOUR CELEBRITY TWIN!...and the clothes from Shallow Hal do NOT count.

I was in class the other day, talking about the effects of drugs/caffeine's effect on a child during pregnancy and every five seconds, low birth weigh would come up and be discussed as the most horrible piece of news since finding out Jessica Alba actually graduated from High School early...although neither her nor her representatives will confirm or deny that she was a virgin at that time. Anyways, why do people complain about low birth weight as being something horrible when childhood obesity is the nation's biggest problem, pun fully intended. If obesity needs to be stopped somehow...maybe we should start at the beginning and let mom enjoy some Cabernet and a joint before going to bed.

If there was ever proof to how stupid Lost is, this is it. When you have nerds agreeing that the nerdiest show on TV is stupid, your show is fucking stupid.

I went to Best Buy to grab a few movies and Halo for PC and despite it never changing, totally forgot that the same month my birthday is in is also Black History month. I knew this because Best Buy felt the need to make an endcap be labeled as "Best Buy Celebrates Black History Month"...which might as well be called "Movies starring Denzel Washington"...

If Hillary and Other Duff ever DJ, they should go as "Duff Punk" or "The PowderDuff Girls"... or maybe "There Will be Duff"

The next day I went to a friend's house for a movie night and after we watched The Brothers Bloom, we sat around and talked for a while, eventually leading to this exchange:
Shane - Do you know what Wonder Woman's weakness or downfall is?
Billy - She can get raped...
Everyone - ......
Me, Shane and Dallas - Hahahahahahahahahaha
Billy - ...be messed up psychologically. She's the only woman, it could happen.

I live in a world of comedy, how the fuck could I NOT start a blog?

So the Saints won the superbowl, which is cool because now we don't have to see people write stupid shit like "Geaux Saints" or other dumb phrases that make probably makes Webster feel like someone punched him in the dick. Since they're from Louisiana, which, if you didn't know, has the dumbest people in America according to their somewhat-education system, then expect the headlines in the papers to read something like this: Saints fans erupt in hometown celebration...black fans loot local stores.

I don't normally get serious on here but I think I'm allowed to do it every once-in-a-while since it's my blog. When I started this little writing shtick, I did it with the inspiration of a couple other bloggers, the least famous of which is the best. His name is Rain Noe and he's like the Asian Woody Allen. Him and his friends did a short film for a film contest and this is it (He's the guy with the wings):

After you click play, skip to the 30sec mark for the start of the film.

Until next time, keep your dick in your underwear or it'll rub against your jeans and feel really weird and eventually leave a rash...yes, a dick-rash:

It's a thing,..right?

2010-02-08T01:01:00.006-06:00

If you're wondering what this is, I'm going to start updating a bit more often with random thoughts or shit I find worth sharing. It's not going to be anything huge or developed as my regular comedy posts, but it'll just be a few extra entries here and there. Basically, I want to update more often and really get myself writing better shit in general.

I don't know what to think of this, but apparently some guy was in a plane crash and his initial thought was to jump on Twitter and talk about it. This is the new time of instant messaging and Zero-Lag news. I guess if you've got a story, you can't say there's a shortage of ways to tell it. I can't tell if this is a good or bad thing but I'd like to be the first to acknowledge and confirm that it is, in fact, a thing:

via: Business Insider

Honestly, fuck Continental for not giving out drinks and locking those people up. Should I ever be in such a position, you can bet your ass that I would be getting a drink, one way or another, if I desired one. I would literally hit someone in the face with something harder than my body for a glass of Sunkist.

Believe it.

Also, there seems to be some even more interesting "tweeting"...from OUTER SPACE! You'd think they'd be full of nerdy shit like "Holy shit, I just noticed I slept for 14 hours today, I've got so much nothing to do now!" but instead they've been sending the most intense photographs of space, my favorite being shown below:

Via: io9

Day 75

2010-01-26T13:10:00.000-06:00

I don't think he gets it...it's funny because that dead guy was a better Joker than him...and he's STILL alive! Crazy!!

Lines of the Week: If they don't know about Santa, I don't think they should know about vaginas. -Some professors talking at North Texas University.

The Cubans are always hard to work with. That's why I call them the Rubix Cubans - In the Loop

So the first day of this semester began rather uneventful except for these two classes:

Child Growth and Development
Some of you may be wondering why I'm taking a class with that title. Well, aside from being a psychology nerd, I also have no knowledge of children and know enough of them to have noticed how clever and tricky they can sometimes be. Needless to say, I figured the best way to defend myself in the future is to know the best way to maim them psychologically for the rest of their lives...like Malcolm Tucker.
To start, I'm one of four guys in the full class, which means that every Tuesday and Thursday, I wake up to go sit with 26 girls and learn about how to "not" treat babies...sounds simple enough. Ya'll can have fun with your Drafting classes, I hope your UFC sausagefests are fun. At first, I thought I'd be getting a pretty normal and intelligent class since people who take this usually do so only because they want to...but I was wrong. First sign of mental retardation was some fat chick who asked the girls towards the end of the rows to lean forward a bit so she could "Squish by." Not "squeeze by," but "squish by." Naturally, I assumed this came from years of actually squishing people under her arm fat, but whatever, she's stupid and not remotely attractive so she can go get squished by a cement mixer for all I care. Then, as names were called to confirm we were all in the correct classroom, a girl named Maria told the professor that, naturally, she goes by the name of Titan...yeah, this class is definitely not getting dropped. Later, the professor used the saying "It's like trying to swallow an elephant!" Yeah, sometimes it's just too easy...

Calculus
Aside from sitting behind a thug Kenny G., complete with homosexual undertones and increased dullness, I had the honor of sitting next to the class clown...otherwise known as the "funny" kid wearing the black/gray Superman beanie who picked his nose when he wasn't opening his dumb mouth. Then, my Indian professor dropped a bombshell of terrifying truth when said he got a C the first time he took Calculus because he would skip every Tue/Thurs class for his favorite TV show...which was none other than Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He then went on to say this exact quote "Man, that show got really bad fast, after a while." This is normally where I would ask if he meant "fast" or "a while" but I decided to let it slide. Why? Because I do a lot of things for movies, but I would never get a C in a class for one or even for a TV show. Which reminds me, if you're not watching 30 Rock and Community, you're missing out on the shit that makes me laugh so hard I have to pause the show until I'm done.

Do you have computer problems? Maybe the Compfather can help...

Does anyone know if Martin Luther King Day is a good enough reason to ask for a blow-job? No? Well, what if the girl is black? I'm pretty sure there's no way an interracial blow-job could do anything but help peace within different races. If every white guy got his dick sucked by a black chick, I'm pretty sure we'd forget about slavery next week. You can quote me on that.

There's already been a pretty good amount of people covering this local display of juvenile delinquency and public display of lack of morality and ethics, but I figured I'd post it because the Houston Press' writing is great and a student's quote is hilarious.

Have you ever built an X-Wing, a Y-Wing AND an A-Wing out of only pen caps? I have. Before you ask, the other S-Foil on the X-Wing is hidden behind the top one, so you can't see it. If you're nice about it, I might update the picture in my next update...but with an entire squadron...

So this conversation happened...
Her: You make me feel stupid sometimes.
Me: Well that's just because I'm a nerd. Who's pretentious...and I'm incredibly narcissistic, so I try to know as much as I can.
Her: But part of you doesn't seem like a nerd
Me: lol, what "part"?
Me: Aside from my penis?
Me: He doesn't count, he's a nerd too.
Her: hahha, your penis isn't a nerd
Me: It's VERY nerdy, when I have it my pants it's usually wearing glasses and reading w/one of those lights from Brookstone. Then, when I'm planning on taking it out, it changes and puts on contacts so you can't tell.

...and yes, this is how I talk in real life.

I also think a bit differently, here's a random example:
Most people will watch porn and be like "FUCKING! Fuck yeah, time to touch myself." I watch porn and think "Holy shit! Me and this guy could TOTALLY be penis doubles! Would a porn star need a penis double? What kind of things could a porn star sign up for that would be so dirty and unappealing that he would have to hire someone to be a penis double for them?...because I don't think I could any of that. I mean, I don't even like having sex with no socks...feet are disgusting."

If anyone knows a kid with one hand, I found a single kid-sized glove at work. Don't laugh, ok? Some kids in Africa would be lucky to have one glove...well, maybe not in Africa since it's hot there all the time. Plus, they have to worry about lions, evil black people with gold guns and aliens that eat cat food.

I've been campaigning for everyone to see Avatar in 3D while it's still in theaters and as a result, people have asked what my favorite part of the movie is. Well, my favorite part is how Sigourney Weaver's boobs go from average as a human to porn star as a Na'Vi... Wishful thinking by Senor Cameron, perhaps? Although I have no clue how he would want Weaver after having tasted Bigelow, it just seems like such a sexual downgrade.

RealD 3D glass are just like Ultra-thin Condoms apparently...

Sunday night, Twitter happened to have #doesntmeanyourblack as it's top trending topic...being in a funny mood, I decided to join the fun and ended up with this list of updates:

(1:29am) Just because you enjoy fucking white chicks more than others #doesntmeanyourblack
Just because you always get fired from jobs for "No good reason" #doesntmeanyourblack
Not knowing what Star Wars is #doesntmeanyourblack ....wait, nevermind, it totally does, haha.
Just because you've killed a white guy and enjoyed it #doesntmeanyourblack
Just because you hate white people #doesntmeanyourblack it just means you hate white people...and I think everyone's ok with that.
Just because you say "axe" instead of "ask," it #doesntmeanyourblack ...actually, yes, yes it does. My bad.
Just because you don't know who your child is or what they look like, it #doesntmeanyourblack ...or does it?
Just because you post racist comments b/c they're popular on Twitter, it #doesntmeanyourblack DAMN IT!
Just because you thought Precious was a local documentary #doesntmeanyourblack
Just because you saw The Hurt Locker and had no clue who Ralph Fiennes was #doesntmeanyourblack
Just because people always ram into you when it's night or dark, it #doesntmeanyourblack
(1:50am) Just because you're being blatantly stereotyped around the world and you're not smart enough to tell what's happening #doesntmeanyourblack

That's that then...until next month, here's the Top 100 Cheesiest Movie Lines:

Day 74

2010-01-14T15:17:00.003-06:00

They taste like your EYES!

Line of the Week: Have you ever been groped by two hott girls...with really big clits? - A gay friend of mine after trying, and failing, to take off my shirt while I was under much influence at a party.

I went to see The Hurt Locker, my #1 film of 2009, in theaters again, except this time with a vagina! I don't mean I had a friend who kept saying they should shoot hugs instead of bullets or a specific part of a dismembered victim of mine, I'm talking about some chick who let me pick an indie war drama over It's Complicated.

In case you don't know what It's Complicated is about allow me to explain with a simple plot synopsis:

A bunch of years ago, Old Guy 1 (Alec Baldwin) fucked this Old Woman (Meryl Streep), but after a while, he got rug burns and landed a moist teenager for a while until OW found out and boring stuff happened. Now they're both unhappy with being rich white people so they decide to ruin their reputation within their family, friends and all society and start throwing their almost-useless-but-completely-disgusting genitals at random areas of their life that therapy hasn't fixed yet. Enter Old Guy 2 (Steve Martin), who also hasn't seen many parts of his penis for so long there's permanent folds around it now. He wants to bang OW and here is the film's main conflict: Should the rich and white OW fuck the rich and white OG1 or the rich and white OG2? Here's a hint, she fucks both of them. Roll credits.

What's funny is that I actually took her out of It's Complicated about an hour before it ended so she could see THL with me, and the greatest part about that is that she said she was getting turned on by It's Complicated. Later, I said I kinda got turned on by THL which made me see how fucking different guys and chicks are. Guys get turned on by guns and explosions and girls get turned on by imagining a cold and still wet hot dog covered by used saran wrap entering two corn husks that are loosely tied together at both ends.

After the movie was over, I came to a realization that I REALLY need to pee. This may not be an important aspect of anyone's stories, except that the men's restrooms were out of order, most likely to all the junk food shits from all the nerds that went to see Sherlock Holmes that weekend. This means that I had to use the only kind of toilets I absolutely hate using unless I have to: The Public Family Restroom. I hate those restrooms for so many damn reasons. First of all, it always smells like shit because if you had to pick any restroom to take a massive dump in, of course you're going to pick the one with only one toilet. Secondly, they're always too small or the toilet is in a weird position to where you're looking at yourself in the mirror while you're shitting...have you ever seen your "push" face? It's ugly and the last thing you want to see while you're pushing out a massive turd is yourself sweaty and out-of-breath and kinda looking like you're crying. Thirdly, on top of the fecal smell, there's also the infamous baby/baby shit/talcum powder smell on top of it and it's just fucking weird and uncomfortable. Fourthly, because there's been kids in there, the parents think their kid is the shit and don't worry about the next person, meaning there's never enough toilet paper or paper towels. Fifthly, it just feels weird to have your bare-ass on the same place that a random kid could have had their bare-ass on not 5min before...think about that next time you're in one.

Am I the only one that occasionally likes to buy and use a toothpaste that's made for sensitive gums and then grab an old and really used toothbrush that has bristles labeled as "soft" and brush my teeth as hard as possible in hopes of making my gums bleed and see if I can get any money out of it? Didn't think so.

Some friends and I were sitting in the back of a theater before work and talking about how easy it is to get girls to send us naked pictures of themselves and how we never send anything back. It seems this is phenomenon that began with my crazy generation. We started joking around about how frat boys would probably grab a marker and draw on a 6-pack before they send a picture of their penis and whatnot when I came up with the best idea: send a girl a picture of your penis...while it's limp. It wouldn't surprise me if they'd look at the picture of the area consisting of shriveled up skin and curly hair and ask why you sent them a picture of Indian food...

If you don't have a Twitter account, you're stupid and silly and should tooooootally, like, get one, kay? If you do, then you should definitely follow one of the best Twitter's I've ever read: Man vs Zombies.

I'd like to take this time to send out a note to all the black people in the US:

Dear Blacks in America:

You can tip now. Slavery ended like 60yrs ago, and ya'll weren't even enslaved as long as the Jews, Mexicans or Egyptians were, so stop your fucking bitching. I'm not impressed and no one gives a shit. If anything, I'd say you've been a really shitty sport about the whole situation, maybe if black people were born with a sense of loyalty, you wouldn't have this problem. What's that? You don't know what I'm talking about because you failed out of public school? Allow me to learn ya something. Blacks were sold to the whites by, GASP, other blacks! That's right, not only were you betrayed by your own people, but by your own tribe/clan/family as well. Similarly, I can't believe that you also don't tip If you were more honest, hard-working, better people like Denzel Washington and Morgan Freeman, this shit wouldn't happen. Thank you.

Love, Homero.

On Thursday morning I took my sister to the bus station for her birthday trip to Dallas, and as I walked out between two black guys, one of which looked like Snoop Dogg and the other kinda resembled a happier Ice Cube, I smelled the faint aroma of weed. I turned around to see Snoop lighting up a blunt...at 11 on a Thursday morning in the cold rain while there's an on-duty cop inside the bus station that just kicked out some black guy for being annoying or something. Say what you will about their general lack of intelligence, but black people are pretty fucking audacious.

After the dropping was finished, I decided to stop by my mom's work and grab some lunch with her and as I dropped her back off I saw a woman in sweats who looked like a plastic female version of Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler and made a Botox joke to my mom who said words that I was not expecting: "Oh, that's the customer that was a guy, yeah, he had a sex change recently." I was speechless, not because someone chose to not want something as awesome as a penis dangle in front of them at all times, but that I was in the presence of someone with enough money to look god in the eye and say "Hey cunt-nugget, you fucked up. You're fucking lucky I'm fucking badass enough to fix your Dumb-niscient mistake." Fucking awesome.

Want proof that retards are the cause of sudden and major traffic? Read the last line...

I'll end with this: I'll end with this: Have you ever been working out around someone else and wondered if it could feel more uncomfortable? Well wonder no more because it is my honor to introduce to you: The Shake Weight.

Now in the Hand Job Edition!

Also comes in Gay!

Day 73

2010-01-03T14:53:00.002-06:00

This is an image.

Lines of The Weeks: "What's black? Is black better than gold?" "Yeah. Gold might get you Jonas Brothers tickets, black involves three of them sucking your dick" -Sports agent from Eastbound & Down

There was a better kid's party up the street!! -Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock

Remixing Daft Punk is like writing fan fiction of The Bible. It’s risky business. -Some music blog

I went to Jack in the box the other day and decided to try something new and ended up having a horrible experience, you know that time once a year when just everything is wrong? The fries are bland, the coke is low on syrup, they only give you one napkin...what the fuck am I gonna do with the one napkin that's always in the middle of the bag that's soaked with grease? Nothing, you have to throw that shit away. Anyways, I ended up trying their chicken strips because I love the ones from Whataburger so I figured I'd give Jack and try. You wanna know what they give you with your chicken strips at Whataburger? Gravy! You wanna know what they give you at Jack in the box? Buttermilk homemade sauce or some shit. Buttermilk? This isn't fucking iHop, I want my goddamn gravy, Mr. Box.

You know what the worst part is, now you have to spend even MORE money later! Because if you're like me, and I'm sure ya'll are, if you have a shitty experience at a fast food place, you have to go back later to get that nasty shit out of your system. You know right off the back to, you try a little bit of everything and then you just look at the bag depressingly..."Well fuck, I wanted to eat with my family tonight but apparently I'm going to Jack in the Box again later..." Damn it.

A bird power-walked out of my way when I was on my way to my car the other day...no real joke here, well, aside from a power-walking bird that doesn't want to get in anyone's way.

When I was waiting in line to get into Best Buy for African-American Friday, a shopping cart caught on fire. I figured it was your regular run-of-the-mill shopping cart fire but everyone started freaking out and 4 different cops came. Usually it's the same 4 cops, but they really switched it up this time. That was the most eventful part of waiting in line to get some Blurays and you know what? It was worth it because I stopped by Half-Price Books afterwards and got myself $80 worth of books and movies as my friend and chauffeur was asked if he was at least 16...and he's actually 19. It was adorable how angry he got.

You can't say "no" to rape jokes...they won't let you. In fact, they won't leave you alone until they're done...making you laugh.

Avatar came out December 18th, so me and 3 other friends waited in line at our nearest IMAX 3D theater at 6pm on the 17th to watch it at midnight. There was us, then some black people, two fat guys, some older folks and then a bunch of nerds who brought Risk or some sort of game that probably delt with both troops and mana. Oh, and there was also some big guy with a sweater-vest, and let me assure you that there's NOTHING funny about that.

So Brittany Murphy Died. Her 43 fans had a memorial a week ago I think, but I'm not sure, the newspaper article was written at the last second in pencil and I couldn't read it all that well. After I found out, I posted on this on Twitter: Of all the celebrities, Brittany Murphy is the one to die? Why not Kristin Kreuk or Jennifer Lopez?! Damn it, maybe next time...

First of all, I didn't know Kristin Kreuk had so many fans, I guess it's true that retarded people tend to congregate. Secondly, people make no sense. Does anyone really care that someone, who has never done a movie that's really THAT funny or even THAT good in their life, died? Not me. Get the fuck over it. God forbid another talentless and forgettable celebrity dies at a young age because of drugs or other responsibility issues.

I know you've been waiting, and here's a new term to add to my word list:
Snooked - This is a great word to use when you suddenly get screwed over or something shitty/unpleasant happens to you without warning. "Oh shit! That guy just got fucking SNOOKED!"

A girl was wasted at a party a couple weeks ago and at around 3:30am decided to pull out her phone and exclaim "Oh man, it is not a good idea to talk to your dad when you're feeling not great!" She's not too smart or good looking but whatever, this is free entertainment mofos! Anyways, she got a drunken dicking later and I'm pretty sure that fixed her up real good-like.

My manager at work was talking about how awesome it would be to be back in the days of robin hood after seeing the the trailer for Ridley Scott's Robin Hood. I took this a serious statement and immediately agreed and said "Oh man, and not just for the pillaging and raping!" This made all my male coworkers turn around and join in on the conversation, eventually ending at this monologue:

"What're you talking about? If you're going to pillage and shit, you might as well rape women too. It's not like burning someone's house down when they own enough things to buy them all at the speedy checkout at H-E-B is going to do any real damage to them, you might as well just throw paint on their fur coats and giggle. If you're going to create a fear that will allow you easier conquest, you follow the rule of Keyser Soze and hold nothing back. I mean, you job is to basically make their life shit as fast as possible while getting the most out of it for you, so take some pride in that shit and get it done RIGHT.
Say you burn down their house and they get it all back from the insurance because they had Pillage-Proofed their home, and then a few weeks later, they get raped. When they describe to people how the worst day of their life went, they're probably going to go with the physically and emotionally non consensual pain instead of their temporary demotion from a homeowner.
If you want to really fuck them over, you need to literally fuck them. If you're already burning down their life, you might as well rape them and give them the worst experience they could ever imagine. Think about it, later in the future, they'll probably even be stronger people because of it! You don't want to be known for being the guy who burned and pillaged the Canadians of that time period, you want to be the guy who raped the American Superpower. Now THAT will get you laid...consensually this time."

Oh, and in case you care(You should), here's my official list of the Top 10 films of 2009:
1. The Hurt Locker
2. In the Loop
3. Avatar
4. Fish Tank
5. Inglourious Basterds
6. Up in the Air
7. (500) Days of Summer
8. A Serious Man
9. Observe & Report
10. Up

Here's a promo for Louis C.K.'s new show that will be premiering FX...after watching this video three times, all I can say is that I LOVE stand up comics. Best motherfuckers in the world:

Oh, and next time you want to send a dick-pic to some broad, give it a ponder:

New Years

2009-12-31T18:12:00.003-06:00

I was planning on doing a big update today, you know, to make up for my absence as of late, but if you knew anything about Catholic Mexicans, you'd know why I've been busy since I woke up today. There's water glasses around this absurdly clean house, and I'll explain why tomorrow when that big update comes up.

For now, I really hope every guy gets hit dick wet on New Years tonight...consensually. Also, I hope no girls get raped either, I can't imagine what it'd be like to start your New Year's by being raped. Granted, this is something I joke about often, but you gotta admit, it's fucked up.

Alright, enough serious talk, go get some holiday pussy and if you don't go out and see Avatar in 3D, I hope you get raped tonight...at 1am.

Day 72

2009-11-18T15:25:00.001-06:00

It's not racist if it's funny...

Line of the Week: Shocking Surprise Of The Morning -The direct translation of the Korean title of Edgar Wright's 'Shaun of the Dead'

I was 'relaxing' with a friend after work on Saturday and as he ate his sushi, his dog came up and tried to eat it, promoting him to ask me "Can dogs have fish?" I proceeded to understand that as him asking me whether or not dogs could legally own fish, so I asked him "Is it really that big a deal? I suppose they can, but if they can't then if someone comes over looking for fish-ownership papers, you can just say they're yours...why?" There's really no ending to this story, except that we ended up laughing about it for a good four to six minutes...man, you gotta love happiness.

Sunday consisted of waking up super late, getting some food, doing some various tasks and then heading downtown with my friend Lauryn to the Deadmau5 concert. This may not strike anyone as impressive, but then again, anyone can be an idiot. We got there a few minutes before he was supposed to come on but were treated to a fan-fucking-tastic opener that laid down some great tracks like (my favorite) Floating by Jape and One Above One by Vitalic. Then Deadmau5 came on and rocked our fucking world by kicking it off with FML and moving through his songs while hitting the crowd favorites like Ghosts and Stuff, The Reward is More Cheese and a mashup of Muse and Daft Punk. We made sure to get up front for optimum ear-numbness and went all out.

I think my favorite parts were two events completely unrelated to the music. The first is called Technosex, which describes the people who were behind me and to the left that were making out, as in she was leaning into him while facing me and he was leaning back with his tongue in her mouth and his hand down her shirt, it was very fun to watch in my lack of sobriety and couldn't help but laugh. The second is less amusing and consists of a fat asian lady, like at least 27 years old, with two guys mind you, came up behind me, put her arms around me and started rubbing my arms and kind of dry humping until I grabbed her wrists and pushed her back as I looked at her friends with a look that said "Dude...seriously? Get your fat whore off me while I'm trying to enjoy this fucking concert or I'll punch her in the face and then weave quickly through the crowd so you can't find me, mkay?" Yeah, she didn't bother me after that.

I was eating Jack in the Box on Monday and guess what happened? Yeah, they fucked up and replaced my cheeseburger for a regular burger, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I ORDERED AN ULTIMATE CHEESEBURGER (#5). I ate it but I was definitely NOT happy. The best part was that in the middle of my rage (Read: Temper-tantrum), I received a call to my house phone from who else than what the caller ID described as "Food for the Poor", so I picked it up, hung up (down?) and walked away like the Hulk, except without pants...don't judge me, I wanted to get comfortable.

I would like to take this opportunity to take advantage of the opportunity to address some people that have been stealing oxygen molecules for far too long...

Dear you: stop using "frickin" instead of "fucking." I took a poll of the world and guess what? No one, and I mean NO ONE, is impressed by your ability to not curse and simultaneously sound childish AND retarded...that is all.

I went to a screening of Precious on Tuesday, and as the theater began to fill, I looked down at the reserved seats and noticed that it doubled as the "White person section" and something in my body lept up with happiness, almost as if I expected it and was glad to see I was right. Also, I kept on thinking the theater was empty, but when I went to sit down in an empty seat, there was already someone there, it's as if they had camouflage on that prevented them from being seen in the dark...weird...

Hey, do you like Brett Ratner, the director of such "films" as The Family Man, Rush Hour 3, After the Sunset and X-Men: The Last Stand? Me neither! Without further ado, I present to you: Ratnerfilms!!

A couple friends and I went to San Marcos for the weekend and on the way back, we saw a bunch of American flags being flown at half-staff and we figured it was because of the shooting at Ft. Hood. I got to thinking though, how long will that last? What's the standard time to wait after soldiers have been killed before you're allowed to raise the flag all the way up? Is it one day per dead soldier? What if it's someone of a higher rank? Do they get 2-3 days? These are the questions that keep me up at night...why aren't these things posted on billboards across America? I think the people have the right to know!!

Then, a girl in my Psychology class was wearing a hoodie today that said "Navy Girlfriend" on it. That's it. Nothing else...just "Navy Girlfriend." Umm, is that supposed to impress some 9 year old, because I don't get it. As soon as I saw it, two things came to mind:

You're a Navy girlfriend? Awesome!! Goodluck getting that "Navy Wife" hoodie when all members of that branch are gay, lulz.
Really? JUST a Navy Girlfriend? That means you can't commit to someone who's fighting for our country or you're just a cock-tease, either way, no one cares.

While we're still making fun of people we "shouldn't" be, I overheard someone talking about how their friend or family member (Idk, the point is that his name was Greg) to someone else and they said "At least he's in a better place." Yes, I realize the cliche of that line but older white women aren't known for their creativity, mkay? Anyways, she said that and all I could think to myself was "Why did he not do anything over there?" Let's face it, whether you like it or not, all of America's soldiers that do their job (See: Kill brown motherfuckers), are not going to a "better place." Those guys, as lovable, patriotic and well-meaning as they may be, are going to hell to killing people. Now I've never read the bible, but people who have tell me time and time and time and time and time again that killing is a definite no-no. So no matter which way you look at it, those kids are getting sent to their doom in more ways than one.

That's about it, I might be sorry it took so long to get this one up, but I might also not be, you'll never know. I'll leave you with two of my favorite videos on YouTube as of the moment I saw them. The first is a real presentation at TED and the second is a beautiful example of how important Interpersonal Communication really is:

Oh, and some people ask me how I worked out to get in shape to be Dr. McNinja, to which I reply...with Marky Mark, of course!!

Day 71 - Halloween

2009-11-02T15:20:00.004-06:00

Maybe it's just me, but I love the unnecessary use of quotation marks...

Line of the Week: "Whatever, my penis touched her naked body" -The FB status of a friend of mine

Let the record state that every time you go to a restaurant, request a to-go box and forget to leave with it, DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU REQUESTED FOR ONE, a kid in Africa tries to cry, but can't because he's too dehydrated. You know what's even more sad and horrible? He's so dehydrated, that only salt comes out of his tear ducts. Then he has salt in his eyes and it scratches his cornea, so by the time he's our age (Assuming he makes it that long), he's practically blind...and that's the real life story of Ray Charles. The piano came in later.

Wouldn't it be funny if every time someone said "baby pictures," people would automatically assume they were about to see pictures taken by that person at a very young age, not that they were about to be shown pictures of useless and selfish "human beings?" I think it would be HI-larious.

My 19 year-old and about 4'11" short friend (1 inch from legally being a midget, lulz), lets call her Vicky, because that's her name, recently let the news out that she washes her hair with a shampoo by the name of Johnson & Johnson. That's right kids, a little Asian girl the size of two fat (NOT phat) babies, washes her fragile little hair with BABY shampoo....it's level of fragility probably due to her height, or lack thereof. There's no real reason for me to bring this up except for public ridicule...oh, and her hair looked like it was raped by a rake. Not only that, but she came into work, knowing full well that I would not let it go. Any chance I got, I would ask around to see if anyone had one of those famous Chi hair straighteners and when people accused me of being mean, I proceeded to remind them that she was the mean one by forcing us to have to look at that hair. Needless to say that it was a quite enjoyable night for myself, my friends and anyone with a sense of humor. Vicky, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that my sister has a Chi and you can come over anytime, preferably now though, and get that shit fixed!

A couple new terms to add to my list of words/sayings:

Grenade - The ugly friend of a hott chick...or just any ugly chick, as in "Well you owe me since I totally jumped on that grenade for you last week!"
Bomb - The fat ugly friend
Whale - The fat not but ugly friend

Since there's more than enough impostors to go around on the 31st, do real hookers and whores dress in normal clothes & go to Chili's for Halloween?

Now I know many of you were wondering what I decided to be for Halloween. I had a list of all my possible options but I threw it away only minutes after making it because I realized I had only one option, and it was staring me in the face as I looked at my computer. Dr McNinja. Now I don't usually carry a camera around, and Halloween was no different, so here's a few pictures of myself, taken from friends and other friends:

Here's Dr. McNinja giving someone the sarcastic "Yes! I AM interested in what you're talking about right now..."

Dr. McNinja wondering whether he should knock that mofo out for saying that Pirates of the Caribbean was better than Teenage Mutant NINJA Turtles.

Dr. McNinja keeping fit...those 6-packs don't come from god

"So I was strangling Gordito for eating my Sammie from Quiznos..."

Dr. McNinja entertaining guests with his mad scratching skills and love of Daft Punk.

Ha ha ha, what a funny joke I said!!

"If this little girl in desperate need of a straightener doesn't get off me, I'm gonna elbow her in the chest...watch..."

Dr. McNinja don't shop at no TJ Maxx, he gets the comfy shit from Hollister.

Those of you who follow me on Twitter also know that I spent the day tweeting about "scary" things. If you don't have an account or don't follow me because you're a douchebag, here's the list:

Getting a divorce - The most primal way to say "You fail...at love..."
Getting caught farting in public - Then you're no longer the ass people want to be around...so sad...
My computer exploding - Do you know how long it takes to download 8.6 gigs of MILF and GangBang porn? FUCK!!
Vicky's hair - It looks like she got beat w/a rake. She needs some baby shampoo or a straightener ASAP!!
Destroying your life and any chance of attaining happiness...more commonly known as pregnancy...
Getting in a fight...no joke here, I would lose to anyone older then 13 years old.
World of Warcraft...I'm pretty sure that if you have a character higher than a lvl20, you turn into a virgin again.
Girls who don't give head - What do you do on dates then? Hug aggressively? Talk about how not turned-on you are?
Accidentally eating human flesh - Charlie said you get addicted...umm, no thanks.
Farting during sex - My body doesn't have the control to thrust and keep it quiet at the same time, so I have no clue what would happen, I just know I'd be terrified and that it would be bad for everyone involved.

Lately I've been trying to be more fit or whatever, which consists of waking up an hour earlier to work out but still eating Jack in the Box for lunch. I'm currently averaging at like 500 crunches and 150 push-ups a day, which, for someone of my stature, is surprising. You see, I didn't hit 100lbs until the second semester of my sophomore year of high school and despite being 6ft tall and 21 years old, I weigh 133lbs. I know, right? Recently, my friends and I have been talking about crazy ways to work out and although I normally wouldn't share this kind of stuff because it's pretty gay to share workout tips, this one just felt right. We call it Baby Crushing. Partly because it's a funny name, but mostly because it literally involves the crushing of infants. It's a little bit hard to explain, but here goes.

First, you make a conveyor belt that feeds babies from the basket of babies you've collected to a proper disposal area. Haflway between those two points, you place a handle on both sides of the conveyor belt so when you grab them, it's rolling under you, in the direction from your feet to your head. You place your hands on the handles and as the conveyor belt passes under you, it should stop, allowing you to pull yourself downward onto the unsuspecting baby and pull as hard as you can until you crush it. Then, once you've pushed yourself all the way up, the belt moves and brings you another baby. Keep in mind that you should do about 15 babies a set, and 2 to 3 sets a day. Want to know the best part? Not only are you helping control the already out-of-control population issue, you're looking great while doing it. Do you have any new or custom work out ideas? Let me know and if they're good enough, I'll put them in my next update!

Did you know that the only reason the lyrics for the Ghostbusters theme song were "Who ya gonna call?" was because of the technology available when it was being written? Ghostbusters 2 was supposed to say "Who ya gonna fax?", Ghostbusters: The Game was "Who ya gonna text?" and Ghostbuster 3 will feature a new version of the original song, except it will say "Who ya gonna tweet?" I hope you're just as excited as I am!!

I was having sex recently and needless to say, I was not sober. Don't worry, I didn't fuck a grenade/bomb/whale or anything, I just had a scare worthy of being shared. It wasn't anything special, it's simply an occurrence that virgins will never be able to appreciate, and you can't tell, but I'm pretending to be sad for them. Anyways, I was having sex and after what felt like an hour but was actually only like 40min, I cum and she gets off. Much to our surprise though, the condom has disappeared!! Due to our lack of sobriety, I immediately registered this as the coolest and scariest magic trick of all time and proceeded to imagine the most subtle way I could punch her in the stomach and still get some more in the future. A couple seconds later, I realized where it could have gone and told her to check "up there." She proceeds to reach back into her vagina and pull out a condom that was indeed, full of my awesome discharge. She gets rid of it while I laugh and put on my clothes simultaneously and the night pretty much ends. Hopefully next time it won't be so scary!!

Anydoozle, that's about all my mind-grapes can conjure up at this time, so I'll leave you with one of the most insane and vulgar comedians I've ever heard and a song by a great writing staff I would love to be a part of:

Day 70

2009-10-15T12:21:00.001-05:00

This parking spot was reserved for white customers only, but I got in and out quick...

Line of The Week: "If you can barely afford the abortion, how you gonna raise a child?" -@bethatasitmay

Before you do anything else, if there is a single part of your body that even mildly enjoys laughing, click here and enjoy one of the most fantastic voice mails I have ever heard. I guarantee that if you post it on your Twitter or Facebook, you will get responses within an hour of people listening to it.

As most of ya'll know, I went to San Marcos a couple weekends ago and here's an overview of what went down.

Day 1

Waited all goddamn day for friends, one was gay, the other two were girls who probably forgot something...so basically I was going with 3 women and my friend Dan.
Went to eat at a Chinese food place that serves food that's like a fried-rice orgasm in your stomach, fucking amazing.
We finally left and my driver can't fucking drive over 60mph apparently, so after we pull over for some gas, Dan drives while I proceed to jam to my iPod and pregame since we still have a while.
We finally arrive and surprisingly enough, it's actually a bustling party complete with a fat chick and a slut with a fucked up spine, horrible skin and grating voice that has a thing for giraffes (My shirt had a giraffe, courtesy of TEZ Clothing) so I told her I was gay with my friend Morgan and walked away.
More friends arrive after the fire in my throat is at it's peak and lots of talking, some 3-way kissing b/c we were in the 90s apparently and joking commences until abortion comes into the picture, then it's literally nothing but crying and laughing as more is consumed and people start to leave. It eventually hits 3-something-am and I pass the fuck out.

Day 2

I woke up to a dog in an adjacent room literally running full force into the door to be let out because it's owner, the fat whale, left for the weekend. I go to take a piss and see who's up (Everyone for at least 20min apparently, eh, fuck 'em, I like sleep) and look to my friend who's harvesting his crops on farmville on Facebook, which is like WoW for sad people who aren't good at real video games.
After a shower, we hit up this awesome Mexican food place and then go to the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin to watch Paranormal Activity, but since I'm with people who don't appreciate film we get there 5min before it starts, only to see a line out the door for it. Despite my annoyingly arrogant and persistent advice against doing it, we get tickets anyway, only to refund them minutes later, FUCK YOU.
Instead of watching another movie we go to this area where people buy vintage clothes for their shitty band's shows, gourmet cupcakes that cost too much for being all sorts of annoying and complicated and some place that sold candy and milkshakes which was pretty cool.
We all sleep on the way back to San Marcos and then chill and once again eliminate our sobriety before we get our food on at this place called The Getaway.
Our waitress was like an unfunny Megan Mullaly who made so many mistakes with our food that I was literally speechless. I did, however, eat one of the most delicious grilled chicken sandwiches and chocolate cakes I ever have in my entire life.
After the food, everyone goes back to the house to get stuff for the night and me and Dan go one street over to a comedy club where some of my favorite Houston comics are performing: Deadbeat Comedy Club, consisting of Mark Hurtado, Frank Garcia, Theodore Taylor, John Gard and Keith Manning. It was great to hear their sets again with new jokes thrown in and I finally got me some Stella Artois for the first time in weeks...such a great fucking beer.
We then headed back to the apartment and chilled until my comedian friends hit me up. Knowing it'd at least be funnier than what I was doing at the time, me and a friend went to their hotel room and got fucked up while watching people getting rightfully attacked by wild animals until almost 4am. Then we left and made it back to the apartment just in time to pass out again.

Day 3

This time I wasn't actually woken up by a dog, but by friends joking about donuts. Knowing they would probably get a craving for them, I texted them my order, to which they laughed at because they weren't going to go, and I went back to sleep. I was woken up an hour later telling me my donuts were here so I smiled as I got up and proceeded scarf those mofos down.
We got our stuff ready and played some a shitty game of Apples to Apples until we got tired of it and watched Monster's Inc. until like 2, when we finally left to get some lunch.
I think the name of the place we ate at was literally "Cafe in the square" and was filled with that exact same level of pretentiousness as the name. The food was alright and the old perverted guy behind us in the line to pay was pretty funny because I couldn't understand a word he was saying. I just assumed he wanted to fuck all the girls and have them stroke his grey pubic hairs with their teeth or something, so he was alright in my book.
We left and I slept as much as I could on the way home, where I finally got to sit down at my computer and....study.

I don't know, about you, but sometimes I like to put a water bottle in my cup holder, put my hand on the top of it and pretend that my car is a stick-shift and make shifting noises while I drive. Awesome? Yes, I think so. I told this to a friend of mine and his reply was that "its[sic] better when you really do have a stick." I used to do it with a real stick but people with bigger cars kept on giving me dirty looks when I used my penis.

I realize that I already have a bucket list, as well as a list of new phrases/words/definitions, but I'd like to make another one. This one will essentially just be the simple list of names I will never name my children, some with an explanation why.

Sherman - Sounds like a turtle's name
Marshall - This is no longer the 1960s
Rusty - This is no longer the 1980s
Victor
Brian - Too much hair...always too much fucking hair
Colby
Alexandra/Alexander/Alexis - People will call him/her Alex
Drake - GAYYYYYYYYYYYY
Katie/Cadie/Katy - Because no one can spell it correctly
Miranda - Does this really need any explanation?
Brian
Brianna - That's a fat or black person's name...umm, no thanks.
Stan/Stanley - I don't want my kid to be a virgin until he's 43

During one of those times where you're just bored and letting your mind wander, I thought of a world where everyone was always rude, vulgar and honest. I can only imagine that the movies in that world would be restricted and rated based on how nice they were. Compliments would give them a PG-13, while a hug or a kiss would give them a pretty hard R-rating. I assume that the NC-17 would be saved for anything with tears or consensual sex...can you imagine?

That's it for now, it seems I have to write a paper and review of Amelia sometime soon...and in case you're wondering, it sucked and is looking worse and worse as I reflect on it. I'll leave you with two videos. The first is from Miles Fisher, a comedian with the greatest impersonations of Tom Cruise and Christian Bale. The second is from actor Peter Serafinowicz, doing even better impersonations of Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro and, my personal favorite, Kevin Spacey. Enjoy.

Day 69

2009-10-08T16:12:00.004-05:00

Still want to argue with me about the "right to life?"

Line of the Week: The only way you can get out of robbing my parents' house is if you have a...really...big...cock! -The most logical (pornical) way of confronting a thief in a porn I watched

I would like to submit a Public Service Announcement to all filmmakers in the entire world: KILL MOAR KIDS!!

I have one of my presets in my car radio set to an opera/classical music station in case I ever get in an accident. Why, you ask? Well I'll tell you! In the case of an traffic acci-erm, collision, who would a jury be more likely to believe, a kid with Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2nd Movement playing, or the adults with Lady Gaga or Kanye West? That's what I thought...it's called Psychology motherfuckers, learn ya some!

I've been trying to get into the habit to up my comedic chops by inventing new words, using new phrases or simply new definitions to old ones. I don't have too many right now but I'll make sure to update them as they come:

Pornical - This is a hybrid of porn+logical, and basically encompasses all logic used in porn. Like the Line of the Week above, I watched a porn where this chick catches this guy dressed as the Hamburgaler stealing china and shit from her parent's house and she says the aformentioned line...the best way to describe it? Simple pornical.
Get your fuck on - No new definition, it's just funnier than saying you're going to fuck someone.
Dicking - Similar to the last one, you should just use it A LOT more often.
Faded - I have no clue where or how I thought this one up, it just means that something is chill. Like, if you're smoking some ridiculous make-you-2nd-grade-retarded-high, you can say "Damn man, that shit's faded."
Mether - This is to describe anything that's more ridiculous, crazy or energetic...as if you were on meth. "Man that rollercoaster was badass but this ICEE is mether!"
Jewche - This is Jew+douche, creating an all new type of insult that brings them down to a pitiful level of self-esteem.

In my History class last week, my teacher asked us "What is welfare?" So I raised my hand and before he even picked me, I naturally responded with "...umm, my weed money... " That was one of the few times where everyone got the joke and then looked around to see who else was looking around to see who smoked weed...twas hilarious.

I was at a Quincenera a couple weekends ago and the dj eventually caved in and felt it necessary to play the Casper Slide. It's a song that tells you what to do, how often to do it and when to do it. The thing is, someone always claps a little faster than everyone else and fucks it all up...the best part however, is that there's also that one guy who gets unusually pissed at that person. He's really easy to spot too, he's the guy talking to his friend, saying things like "AHHH, COME ON!! Every goddamn time! Jesus man, I'm trying to get my fucking groove on to show off how smooth I can cha-cha to these chicks and you're throwing off my rhythm!"

Have you ever gone to karaoke bar and saw a black person not sing well? It really throw you off. I always feel like I should go up to them and say "Hey man, what happened up there? I thought all of you could sing? Maybe next time bro..."

Have you ever wished you could watch all those ridiculous accidents you drive by every day as they actually happened and maybe get to see someone transitioning from life to death? Me too!! As an added bonus, I'll even throw in a dead baby!!!!!!

That's all for now. Granted, it's definitely one of my shorter updates but I've had the flu and I've been busy gearing up for this weekend. Starting tomorrow, I'll be going to San Marcos to hang out with some collegiate friends of mine and I expect some blog-worthy events to occur and if they do, I promise I'll update this in two weeks at the most.

Day 68

2009-09-16T14:16:00.000-05:00

This is why abortion is acceptable more times than most...

Line of the Week: We double-teamed his dick. -The most casual line ever said by the most spiritual gay guy I know...I laughed for almost 4min straight.

I'm really getting sick of people who talk about movies when they can't even tell you why they're good or bad. Similarly, I hate even the general audiences. They don't know what they want and they're too stupid to like anything. The common misconception is that critics hate every film out there. Let me present this argument. I talked to some people recently and a they all agreed on these films: WALL-E sucked and was boring because they didn't talk for the first 45min, but Inglourious Basterds sucked because it had too much talking, subtitles and nothing ever happened until the end. Assuming they wanted some cheesy dialogue they can quote over and over again, I asked them if they liked Transformers 2 and they said no, that it sucked because it was too long. So I figured they'd have to enjoyed Superbad and they complained about how vulgar it was. Four polar opposite films, three of them great, one of them horrible, I enjoyed the experience from seeing all four in theaters and a regular group of movie-goers hated all four. Fuck all of you, you have no fucking clue what you're talking about. This is why I value my opinion over everyone else's when it comes to movies, because it's better and superior in every way.

I never realize how close I can really be to committing murder until I'm around someone who chews gum with their mouth open. Most of you will read this and assume I'm being my usual exaggerating self but you would be dead wrong. It's something that I consider worse than stealing, it's disgusting and if I could physically damage everyone who did I and get away with it, I very much would.

Because of 9/9/09, Threadless was selling every shirt for $9...too bad they ALL SUCK. Wearing one makes you instantly look like a douchebag. They can't even get decent models, look at the beer gut on this girl that apparently had Down's Syndrome:

or how about something between a midget and an ugly version of ratatouille:

Still not doing it for you? How about a fat girl that's too lazy to change the channel to one that's working? She's probably too tired from strapping on that emo headband:

My personal favorite is a two-parter, it features what Tina Fey/Lisa Ann/Sarah Palin would look like if they were ugly:

and the spitting image of our mediocre future of pale fat guys with unnaturally large noses:

I've been trying to get back to watching porn again since it has some of the funniest plots and acting I've ever seen in my life. Some guy was doing an Italian voice for his "character" but it ended up sounding like a gay Luigi. Then I started watching some other stuff and ended up getting three videos with uncircumcised penises...ugh. Can we all just agree that, not only are uncircumcised penises are disgusting, but that all porn featuring them should be limited to a website by the domain name of fuckingdisgusting.com? Then we can just leave it there for people who are weird and disgusting.

Knowing it's never failed me before, I switched over to the Yellow Fever channel and got some asian porn loaded up (pun fully intended). Then I remembered the single flaw about all asian porn: the women. Granted it's also it's strong point but I'm talking about how every asian girl getting fucked always moans/yells too loud to where you can tell it's painful and sometimes you swear you could see tears of pain come out and you kinda feel bad for feeling so good. If you're like me you obviously just power through it but it's something that never really leaves you...until you watch deaf porn...deaf girls moan so fucking loud, it's ridiculous!

I was in History the other day and my oh-so-wise proffesor was talking about race relations before the 20th century and he said the following statement: In the 1880s, the worst crime and black male could commit was rape. So I calmly put my hand up and replied "Ummm, isn't rape the worst crime ANYONE can commit?" Homero - 1, Professor - 0.

Since I'm in such a topical mood so I reckon I should comment on the national travesty that occurred only days after the worst 9/11 of all time...Kanye West had the balls to interrupt Taylor Swift during the VMAs. First of all, it's the VMAs...the fucking VMAs. Now that that's out of the way, Kanye West may have been a dick about it but it doesn't make it any less right. Once again, he was 100% correct, although I suppose that's beside the point. The point is, however, that everyone is going to hate him like they always do until his new album drops, and then they'll love him for the musical genius that he is, which is why I'm being NOT STUPID and continuing to listen to his badass songs while I keep on admiring him as an artist. Grow the fuck up; there are people who buy tickets to see movies like Sorority Row and you're worried about a couple celebrities? Fuck you.

Then Kelly Clarkson decided to write AN ENTIRE BLOG ENTRY about nothing but Kanye West and how much he disap-blah blah blah. Fuck you Kelly Clarkson! You're no one. You won the first season of a "reality" TV show, everyone knows the first person is always the weakest, they have nothing to be compared to and even the judges have no fucking clue what they're doing. Here's the best part, I'm from Texas, so are you...and I still fucking think you're a dumbshit. You're fat, you can't act, you can't write and your songs are annoying. Go back to Walmart and get yourself some pastries you fat cunt.

I will recognize that at least one good thing came from it...the start of the latest internet meme: Immaletyoufinish. I actually scrolled through and found some of my favorites to post today:

and my personal favorite:

In my Public (Pubic?) Speaking class, we had to give an introductory speech about ourselves, naturally, being fucking awesome, narcissistic and a stand up comic, I knocked that shit out of the park...and no, me using that saying doesn't make baseball any less retarded. Shortly after me went up some guy who feels like he tries too hard to be heard and goes onto say that he recently went to China. It was fine and boring like the rest of the speeches until he mentioned he went with his church group (cult?) and said, and I quote, "...and we did some crazy stuff" with an unnecessary emphasis on crazy. What kind of crazy stuff do church groups do? Convert people? Pray extra hard? Maybe that's called extreme praying though. Do they take shots of holy water and say things like "Geez brothers and sisters, I'm sooo blessed right now, I really should stop and turn the other cheek to every subsequent shot. Perhaps next time if my tolerance has improved."

Christian's are silly.

The other day I was thinking ahead...well..more like thinking OF head. True story mofos, everyDAY!!

Some friends and I went to movie theater to watch Inglourious Basterds again and some 7-year-old kid walked out of a nearby theater showing G-Force just in time for me to hear her say "ugh, it was alright but I thought Aliens in the Attic was MUCH better", I wanted to reply-had her family not been with her- "really?That's interesting because I thought an abortion would have been better than carrying you to term for comparing any kids movies as being better than another." She got away with that shit this time, but just wait...I'll find her again...

Before I go, I just want to let you know that sometimes, I sleep on blankets.

Day 67

2009-08-26T16:12:00.003-05:00

I know you're touching yourself...stop it.

Line of the Week: Paris Hilton has fucked so many guys she doesn't have the clap, she has the applause...-Whitney Cummings on Chelsea Lately

One of those rare occurrences where I'm actually wrong happened recently, I was so unused to it it took me a while to get used to it. FuckMyLife is stupid, I'd much prefer a BlessMyLife site...then I saw there WAS one. FML is still stupid as shit but BML is MUCH funnier because of how pathetic it is. Instead of "I got inspired to blah blah blah", it should be something more along the lines of:

Saw some chick with DDs changing in her apartment and her bra fell off as I was walking by. BML.
May or may not have caused the accident that killed the cop that gave me my only ticket. BML.
I tripped and fell into a vagina that wasn't fat or ugly!! BML.

Lastly, and also 100% true...

I recently decided to look up my ex-girlfriends on Facebook and found only two, one had a child and the other gained about 40lbs...all I can say is that it's a good thing I didn't stick around to see those train wrecks occur. BML

Sometime during my foray into the horrible invention of summer school, I, keyword, I, accidentally locked MY keys inside of MY car. I didn't realize this until I got to my car and reached into my pocket, much to my surprise, althuogh I was lucky to find a business card of the campus police or whatever on my windshield. After calling it and going to the Officer's Office, he tells me that I'm going to get a citation for leaving my keys inside my car...I AM getting written up for leaving MY keys inside of MY car. Of course I didn't say that, I simply nodded my head and fought to hold back my tears of intimidation of the power of the campus police but I was in complete disbelief. I literally have no ending to this except that I couldn't believe that in my car, right now, is a paper saying I'm not allowed to leave MY keys inside MY car again or else I have to pay money to get them back...

I read somewhere, or nowhere, that laughter is the best calorie-burner...this explains why the people who've never read my blog are fat. It's also probably because I've recently installed a fat filter.

My biology teacher said "Humans are chemotrophs, which means you get your nutrients from..." to which I replied "Jack in the Box"...no one laughed but I ended up getting Jack in the Box after class, so I win.

A few Saturdays ago, I went to a strip club with a coworker and manager from work. Because she was 19 we had to sneak her in through the back where apparently all the black people hang out near the cars. Then, once we got in, we were informed it was a slow night (Only 62 girls) and there were a plentiful amount of creepy as motherfuckers. They walk up to one of the stages, stand their silently, trying and failing to hold their mouth closed, throw out the occasional bill and sit back down. If I hadn't been laughing so hard at how pathetic they were, I probably would've felt bad for them. Also, one of the managers began explaining how they hired girls, telling them how much weight they needed to lose, how bad their complexion is and how younger they need to look to even be allowed in.

The next day I messed around with a girl and because it was extremely spontaneous, it escalated rather quickly and long story short, I had no place to cum...a very sad day for my penis, folks. Sure I could've wasted a condom but I knew the following week was the last week of summer and having not worked much lately, I needed to save as much money as possible so I ended up having to fill a ziploc bag and later dumped it in one of those drainage pipes. Luxurious? No. Efficient? Yes. Hilarious? Very much so, and it gave me something to share with everyone here!

The following Thursday I went to Mexico and, thanks to my trusty G1, was able to catalog every thought and whim as it occured to me, just for this blog.

I was at the airport and it was announced that jokes were unacceptable in reference to the security system they have in place. I asked the check-in lady if it was ok if the joke was REALLY funny, like chike on your own laughter and maybe some urine comes out, like, not enough to stain anything but enough to wonder if anyone can tell...she smiled as she tried to hide her smile and forced out a no but I know she wanted the funny. some of the stores got me thinking that they should advertise more bluntly. For instance, Sharper Image: For homosexuals who like spending money on batteries. Also, there was a golf store that prominently featured cardigans on stands in the hallway. It was called In Celebration of Golf, although it should've been more like In Celebration of Gay!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahha, fuck you, I laughed.

I can't be the only one who secretly uses his cellphone as much as possible in/around terminals in hopes of seeing my first plane crash...

I also saw a pretty uncommon number of black people traveling (2+), and to be honest, I was surprised. I didn't know black people traveled for reasons aside from a death in the family or to follow Lil Wayne on tour. Also, when I got to the resort, I realized I must have never received the memo about cellulite being "in" because there was enough of it in a 10 square foot radius on any part of the beach to sustain a country in Africa for six days.

The resort itself was alright, nothing special, but what really made it interesting was the people. Almost every person was a douchebag, white trash, fat or Mexican...it reminded me a lot of a flea market that smells like the beach. One thing I did like however, was that they had wristbands to determine who was old enough to drink alcohol and who was not. Although I had fun looking at the mediocre girls and going "Jailbait, jailbait, jailbait, fat, jailbait, oooh...good to go..." Also, it had a special event every night and the first night turned out to be karaoke. Some little girl sang Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On and because she didn't have any pubic hair or whatever, the crowd went insane for her. I was obviously not impressed, I mean we see this shit on America's Got "Talent" every Tuesday and Wednesday 9/8 Central on NBC, why don't you stop copying everyone and do something original? While you're at it, take those braids out of your hair, you look stupid...even for a 9-year-old.

You know what's cuter than a limp baby that's sleeping? No baby what-so-ever! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha, no, seriously, fuck you.

One thing that may surprise people about Mexico was that it was actually not as hot as Houston and despite being near the beach, also less humid. I know this because when I got off the plane and got back it felt like...well...think of it like this: You know how it feels to have your ball be so sweaty/sticky it attaches itself to your inner thigh? I feel like I'm a ball everytime I go outside an air conditioned building in this town. Also, I feel like I'm always getting stuck to buildings because they're sweating as well and I'm stuck there for 15min before someone becomes the hand that reaches down their pants and frees me. I can't wait for hell to freeze over, maybe that will help the conditions up here somewhat.

First day of Fall Semester 2009 was rather uneventful but I figured I'd throw in some stuff worth mentioning. I had another class but nothing interesting happened.

Psychology
The Hispanic chick, appropriately and horribly named Bianca, wrote that her favorite movie of all time was Step Brothers...OF ALL TIME...

Interpersonal Communication
We got candy, which I gobbled up, and the only thing that registered the entire day was that myteacher said "If I was allowed to teach this entire class using only Seinfeld clips, I would."...I almost cried tears of joy.

Precal
I had a substitute on the first day, so you can picture him, he looked like a gay Bill Gates with a buzz cut on a receding hairline...

Public Speaking
I have a MILF for a teacher, she's from Norway and despite having 3 kids in high school and being 48, she's almost as delicious as Jane Seymour.

I'm very excited to end this update because I get to show you all a string of videos that simultaneously gave me a pain in my chest from laughing and an erection. I give you the XXX parodies. That's right, porn parodies of your favorite TV shows, and Friends apparently. Featuring our favorite porn stars, Lisa Ann, Jenna Haze and blah blah blah. Here they are, watch them and enjoy!!

Scrubs

30 Rock

Friends

The Office

Day 66

2009-07-28T16:00:00.001-05:00

Posting this picture wasn't a random decision...and those kids deserve it for being shitty children.

Line of the Week: We should kill each other sometime next week...you have to go first though. -Me to a girl I'm dating

Holy shit nuggets I haven't been on here in waaaaaaay too long. I've been busy and shit, like always, doing illegal and unethical things that I'll never regret because guilt and regret are for the pussies who read shitty romantic books like Twilight and think Crash is a good movie...and I say fuck 'em all. Remember kids, if you didn't agree with anything I said, this is The Greater TRUTH, not The Mildly Awesome Opinion, respect it. Aside from sex, drugs and video games I've also been putting together my new desktop, which is where I'm finally updating this little passion of mine on. In case you're wondering about how chaotic my life is, it's because I live my life by only three rules that will be explained at the end of this update:
1) They not ready
2) Motherfuckers need to know
3) Get yo' shit

Before I really REALLY begin, I'd like to point you to my first post...hard to believe it's been more than a year already. I've gone through so much crazy shit since I began, from updating twice a week to updating once every other month and probably doing much more in between each update. With work one day, and drugs and beer on the other I've been needing some time to sit down and hammer out some bullshit. Expect some quicker updates, maybe a bit shorter but the same content ya'll want none-the-less. Oh, and before forget, some interesting little notes might be coming down the pike (kike?) very soon.

Lately I've been having some commitment problems. No, I don't mean the relationships ones because those are easy (Don't). I'm talking about real commitment, sticking with your decisions and not second guessing yourself, even if you're wrong...hell, ESPECIALLY if you're wrong. For instance, I was driving to work and before I knew it I was accidentally in the turning lane, despite being in the turning lane 3 streets too early. Most people would just turn and then double back or find a back way, but not me, I waited for the light to turn green and then held up the turning line until I could get into the left-hand lane and go straight, and you know what? No regrets on this side of the mind-grapes.

I watched My Sister's Keeper and took one great thing away from it: Cancer sex is disgusting and unappealing. Seriously, if you have cancer and you're bald and shit, don't have sex. Besides, you don't know what else is defective in your body that you could pass on. Don't be a douche and just masturbate to wigs or pictures of people who don't have cancer or whatever ya'll do. If you REALLY feel the need to have sex, do it with someone else who's about to be even more worthless dead than alive and make sure you do it in a dark room. When I say dark room I don't mean a room with a red light where you can take pictures and develop them, (that's unsafe and can give you a terminal disease, ha!) I mean go the cube-shaped equivalent of a black hole. You may think it's a good idea to see the person you're with but if ya'll had perfectly functioning eyes and could see like normal people do, you'd realize it isn't.

I also saw Bruno and manged to cry three times from laughing. That film was a social revolution and the only thing that pissed me off was the complaints from the cock-nuggets that said, and I quote, that "It was too gay." They're saying this about the guy who had a bare naked fight with a fat guy 3 years ago? Fucking dumbshits. You know what's too much? How you're allowed to exist. If you find one of these people, lay them down, put a vibrator in their mouth and hammer it all the way through, American History X style. On a similar note, I'm proud to say that I'm gonna be Straight Dave for Halloween and may or may not go commando. Believe it.

Maybe it's just me but I have a strong feeling the mom from Family Circus is probably fucking insane in the sack. I'd grab some dark chocolate and draw some of those black lines her fat ass son makes while running and lead them to the tip of my shaft...she knows what I'm talking about.

I went to a screening of 500 Days of Summer with this little psychologically problematic chick and were lucky enough to have empty seats for almost the entire time we waited until a preggo woman wolf pack came in and sat in front of us and talked about how fat they were or something. Then one of them had the nerve to get up during the movie because she didn't feel good. This then sparked another one of my great ideas. You ready for it? A VIP only movie theater! I know what you're thinking, and yes, you can come. It'll be awesome because we'll exclude all the people we don't want! Pretty much everyone will be a VIP as long as the following filter doesn't apply to you:

You're under 18
You're pregnant
You're less than a 5
You're blind
You have children with you
You have cancer
You have any kind of STD
You small bad
You drive a Hummer
You have "bling"
You have more than 1 visible tattoo
You don't have 2 working legs

Ok, the last one may be a little out of line but I've actually thought of yet another great idea just for cripples! A handicap-only movie theater. I'll put it near a hospital and aside from providing an even more selective theater, it's a great way to get money from the cripples we all hate so much. This theater will be smaller and cheaper because we'll have saved the money we would've spent on seats! That's right, you bring your own (wheel)chair and you can park that mofo anywhere you like! That's the kind of theater I hope to one day run.

Word of Advice: Don't have a one-night stand with elephants...they NEVER forget.

I was making fun of World of Worldcraft the other day because, well, it deserves it and was called out by someone who looked like the dumbshit teenager who works at all the fast food places on The Simpsons. At first I didn't hear him because I've trained myself to ignore who don't matter even to their parents so it took me a second to realize what he was saying. He said I didn't play WoW because my computer couldn't handle it or something like that. Despite this being extremely nerdy, I made sure everyone was listening and replied with "I don't play Wow because I know how vaginas taste..." If I could care enough to remember who it was, they could confirm that those were my exact words as I turned back around and continued to make fun of a game with the most even virgin-to-loser ratio since Dungeons & Dragons (2:1).

I also recently began summer school with the most horrible 8am biology II class possible. Taught by prof. gingery-impotence who brags about how many bird species he can name from a single glance and filled with the most mediocre and pathetic class since my Micro/Macro Economics classes last year. This guy's lectures are so boring he actually managed to make sex sound like a work-related obligation that you lose money for every time. No one should ever talk about sex and mention ovaries or semen production unless you work at a fertility clinic.

Speaking of fertility clinics, you should take the hint that the universe obviously doesn't want more of you around...stop fucking with it or your children will get cancer, be crippled AND be ugly...so basically be a cross between carlos mencia and Patrick Swayze.

As if taking away the fun from pussy pounding wasn't enough, he also decided to separate (Read: segregate) us into groups in accordance to our personality colors. I wish I was joking but not only was he serious about it, he wouldn't let us come into the lab portion of the class without it filled out completely. I was a 34 Green and a 32 Orange...Green being the smart, pretentious people and Orange being the energetic, partying people. I had less than 14 on the pussy colors where they're sensitive or anal, and not in the good way. Since the Orange table was filling up, he put me with the greens which consisted of 3 guys who smelled like week-old BO, a guy with a nose ring and a skull tattoo, a fat guy with a full beard, baseball cap and pink buttown-down shirt and a kid who has only said one sentence the entire 3 weeks I've been in it, and it was a comment about how heroin is produced... If I wasn't so damn skinny I would've committed murder...a lot. Now I have to endure the nerds who probably all own a Wow account for 3 more weeks while everyone else enjoys each other's company. On top of being with a shit table, all the girls are ugly so it's not like I can turn around and check out some T&A because all we've got are ugly Desi chicks, a 30-something white-trash alcoholic, 4 girls manlier than my rugby friend and a plethora of 3s and 4s for all the world to avoid.

Bucket List as of 6/17/09

Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.
*Be called a nigger lover.
*Make a girl cry by lightly hitting her nose with my penis.
*Wear a condom for an entire day and then use it later that night and surprise the girl with my amazing level of preparation.

My teacher was talking about how Sea Sponges were all hermaphrodites and asked us what ability they have. I replied that they have "the ability to make us all extremely uncomfortable", a joke only this high kid laughed at and understood...fucking assholes. Even strangers laugh when I tell them that story, but that class gave me nothing.

That's about it for now, but in lieu of a film about stand up comedy coming out, the fantastic looking Funny People, I'll leave you with someone you're gonna love:

Day 65

2009-06-17T22:17:00.001-05:00

Why do some people insist on getting in the way of true love?

Line of the Week: You could rape me, lol -My stalker

Did you know that wood cutting and circumcisions are basically the same thing? It's cutting something long and hard to make it more accessible for everyone.

On that note, I'd like to apologize for the lack of updates with a list of excuses of why the lack of update:

My hand hurt, like a bunch of times.
People are boring.
My jaw feels weird.
I went to Mexico for three days.
I've been working and stuff.
Drugs and Alcohol are my most important vices.
I bought some foreign films.
I'm too popular and people don't leave me alone to hang out with them.
I can't turn down horny chicks.
I refuse to do a 3 paragraph update.
My laptop is messing up

Worry not though, because next week I will be building myself a new desktop and all will be well. I'll probably be on the computer a lot more and will finally get a chance to get more writing done.

Lately I've been wanting to do some kinky stuff like go to the house of the guy who owns every mustard ever made and replace each bottle with that yellow ketchup they've invented for kids...I don't know if people can die from sadness, but I'm sure willing to try!

I watched Star Trek a few times and REALLY liked it, but it felt really familiar. Most of the beginning is the introduction to the characters, but after a planet implodes, shit just hits the fan. At one point, Kirk gets marooned on Hoth to talk to Yoda because Degobah was just destroyed, so they talk to Obi Wan and he gets him on his way. Oh, and at some point they're meeting up with the Rebel Alliance, only to find out that it was a trap...such fools! If only Admiral Ackbar was there to warn them...

I may have mentioned something about my stalker before, but this time, it's serious...ly awesome! I was getting off work when I got the usual text from her asking what I was up to. I was about to go do a bunch of homework for my last week of classes before finals so I sent "About to go rape my homework three different ways, you?" Where most chicks would send an acknowledgement and stop messaging me, she promptly replied with "You could rape me, lol." Yes, this is 100% true and this is my life. Some of you already may know this story because I've been telling everyone to now call me "The Consensual Rapist." I think it has a nice ring to it, and it fits me and a couple coworkers' motto "It's not sex if there's no tears."

Here's a less-than-mediocre survey someone made on/for Facebook and despite it not being as funny as the one I did when I first started this site, I already filled it out and I'm not going to throw away any more minutes of my life. It's a "Have you ever..." type of survey so read it accordingly:
Kissed any one of your facebook friends? Yes, some I even kissed with my penis!
Been arrested? No, I don't get caught.
Solicited sex? Not yet.
Been solicited by another? Yes.
Kissed someone you didn't like? She had big tits.
Slept in until 5 PM? No, I do shit with my life.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Held a snake? No
Ran a red light? No
Been suspended from school? No
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? No, and who the hell says "motorbike?" I've never heard anyone say "motorbike" and continued to listen to them.
Been fired from a job? Again, I don't get caught.
Sang karaoke? Yes, Afroman - Because I Got High...
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? No, the only obstacle in my life is physics and rape and murder being illegal.
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? No, my body does what I tell it to do, WHEN I tell it to.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Who cares.
Kissed in the rain? This is stupid.
Played strip poker? I'm amazed I've gotten this far.
Flown on a plane? Yes
Been on a cruise? I bet the person who made this survey thinks I Love Lucy caused the current destruction of morality in society....
Have any regrets in life? Hahahaha......no, I shine like gold, mofo.
Sang in the shower? Among many other things, Yes.
Sat on a rooftop? Please rephrase the question, I'm not sure what it means.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? Again, I have no clue what this means.
Broken a bone? No
Cracked a bone? That's practically the same goddamn thing as the last one.
Shaved your head? No, I have a big penis, I don't need to compensate.
Blacked out from drinking? Oh. My. God. Yes...Russian chicks are fucking awesome.
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Haha, talk about a loaded question.
Made your girlfriend cry? Not unless she deserved it.
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Fuck you, you racist.
Been in a band? No.
Shot a gun? Yes...oh, wait, just shot it at no one? No.
Tripped on mushrooms? Not yet.
Donated Blood? I've yet to find someone, aside from Jane Seymour and Maureen Dowd, that meets the specifications required for me to give them life.
Eaten alligator meat? Only if that's what Chicken McNuggets are made of...mmmmmm.
Eaten kangaroo meat? Who the fuck thought this would be a good question?
Eaten cheesecake? Yes
Still love someone you shouldn't? This actually managed to be worse than the cracked/broken bones one. I really hope the creator of this survey is in a hospital ER that has run out of morphine...

As you know, I work at Studio Movie Grill and had to move chairs from one theater to another because we're too cheap to get new chairs when another one of my great ideas hit me in my mind-grapes like my great ideas tend to do: I should open up a handicapped-only movie theater, that way, I would cut down maintenance and production costs by never having to install any seats! Everyone would be in their own wheelchair and if you only had like a cast, you'd be required to bring your own chair. But you'd have to be separate from the REAL cripples...I think I could be the first business owner to establish handicapped segregation and would probably get a trophy or a fancy medal for doing so.

My sister recently graduated high school and because I couldn't get out of attending, I decided to spread my discontent through the magic of Twitter. Here's all the entries I sent and around what time I sent them...as you can guess, they were very popular on Facebook:

3:23 - The band began practicing the Indiana Jones theme song and a girl below me turned to her family in disgust and said: Ugh, it's Star Wars...
3:29 - Note to Future Wife: If you chew gum with your mouth open, I WILL break your jaw...but know that it's only because I love you.
3:46 - Not too bad so far, really loving the amount of MILFs I'm seeing...and yes, that includes some of the teachers...
3:51 - Some ROTC kids were introduced to remember their classmates...apparently some students died doing geometry homework or something.
3:57 - The valedictorian asked all to pray & 3 different babies began crying...proof that even in our uncorrupted youth, we know something's up...
4:05 - Note to Possible Future Daughter: Chew gum during graduation and your college money is going to buy me my own Great American Cookie store...
4:11 - Haha, the Asian kids have the least amount of cheers because Chinese people are so quiet...if only they had a cheer app on their iPhones...
4:14 - Awww, black kids get the loudest cheers because most of them don't graduate...so sad...
4:20 - Despite those long robes doing their best, you can still notice the ugly truth of childhood obesity...for shame...
4:35 - I really want two kids to have the same exact name and have their families cheer for the wrong kid, haha.
4:39 - Some kid had the last name, Mistry, and it sounded JUST like Mystery, which would be a fucking badass last name!!
4:54 - While most people Twitter movies, E3 or special events, I do high school graduations For The epic Wolf...I'm the news anchor of mediocrity!
5:19 - In conclusion, graduations are a melting pot for people from all over the world with too much makeup and attitude.

Maybe it's just me but I love how peeing in the shower is one of those rare and beautiful moments in life where you feel both clean and dirty at the same time...so magical...

I've been thinking about it a lot and I genuinely can't decide who I despise more, fat people or people who baby-talk to babies. For your information, your kids are mediocre because you made dolphin sounds to them until they were five. Parents are fucking stupid.

Like I stated earlier, I went to Monterrey where not much happened except getting three wisdom teeth removed...yeah, it fucking sucked. You know what's worse though? I couldn't eat solids and wasn't allowed to lift anything or stay up late...like a baby or elderly person, although in my case it's probably an insane elderly person with a severe case of senility. The only good thing that came out of the trip, aside from the drugs, was the time I had to myself to think those crazy thoughts that make everyone laugh.

I pulled an all-nighter the day before we left so I would sleep while everyone else drove, and only woke up to eat Burger King. One thing I noticed about eating on road trips is how unhappy everyone is while they're eating. A car full of people my age drove by eating Whatburger and as every single one of them had their mouths full of cholesterol and fat, they simply looked off into the distance with the most depressed and self-loathing looks possible...a look that only Karen Carpenter would understand.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is only now hitting theaters in Mexico under the title Let's Make a Porno, and the fantastic tagline: We should all make one... Gotta love translations.

The surgeries weren't too bad except the first and third one, where the dentist used twelve, that's right, twelve different tools to take out one tooth. It was absolutely insane. Milk - 1, Contemporary Medicine - 0. Similarly, but not, I never realized how awesome it felt to spit up blood. Immediately after my surgery I kept on hoping someone would walk in the office looking for a fight so I could spit out some blood and say "So you're the next guy? eh, alright."

I also learned that I hate dubbed movies more than anything else in the world, and that's including girls who don't swallow or people who think barbed-wire tattoos are hardcore. I highly recommend you burn the next person you see watching one.

Due to the fact that I was in minor pain, which I hate, the entire I weekend, I figured it would be as good a time as any other to start a bucket list. Now, I only have a few entries so far, but believe you me(I don't know what that means either), I'll be working on it.

Bucket List as of 6/17/09

Openly sell pirated movies in front of the corporate building of a major studio...in VHS format.
Urinate on someone's foot in the adjacent stall in a public restroom and see how long I can do it before I have to run away.
Get paid for sex in three different currencies. Does not have to be in one session.
Sell pirated DVDs of pirated DVDs. Complete with a silhouette of me walking in front of the camera to use the restroom, get the door, make some food, and if there's a nude scene in the film, touch myself continually.

That's it for now, until next time, may your women be loose and tight at the same time. I'll leave you with the best life coach money can buy:

It doesn’t fit in a Rolodex because it doesn’t belong in a Rolodex!

Day 64

2009-05-06T18:20:00.001-05:00

This poster was made by god...straight up.

Line of the Week (Months?): Let's go see some naked daughters and moms!! -Liz Lemon on going to a strip club

Before I begin, I have to apologize again because I told you during my last update that I would be coming back and then I went and didn't post for over a month, my bad, my blunder...I'm such a fucking asshole. My last final is tomorrow and after that I'll be free to post and post and post. Also, my social life has been picking up so I'm now I've been given more chances to drink from the volcano and some more interesting topics should start popping up.

When I was on my way to the Up screening, I turned into the theater's parking garage and was stopped by an ambulance and a pair of cop cars and like a dozen other men in uniform all huddled around something. As I was motioned to turn back and take the rear entrance (That's what she said), I noticed that they were standing around a dead body...and one with it's show several feet away no less. I then followed the gaze of some of the cops to the top of the parking garage where other cops were standing...that's right, this shoe-less mofo jumped off the building probably less than half an hour before I arrived. Just my luck, eh? Because of some selfish, now dead, douche bag, I had to turn around, get stuck in traffic for another ten minutes and then was forced to park on the second floor, ugh.

If there's anything more annoying than a suicidal person, and believe me they're annoying, it's a selfish suicidal person. He could have killed himself with a building that didn't have car coming in and out so often or just do what everyone else does and take a shitload of pills, but no, not this guy. This one had to be a selfish fucker and kill himself in front of a fucking parking garage entrance...I hope his family and friends are left in debt because of him.

I would like to state that old people are not allowed to complain about where they're going and/or sitting if they can't walk without assistance. That is all.

I've been watching a lot of fat people lately because, well, they're kinda hard to miss, both literally and figuratively. It's interesting how there are only two kinds of fat people, although I have yet to determine the level of weight that distinguishes one from the other. Some of them, usually the regular fat people, you know, those that smuggle tires under their skin and always smell really bad, are always happy no matter what happens. They're just the nicest and most ecstatic people ever and you just want to hug them...you know, if it was possible. Then there are the really fat people, the ones that swing their arms to get their feet in front of them, sometimes use scooters and often complain about how far they have to walk to the theater (Where they'll sit down and eat for the next TWO FUCKING HOURS), who are always angry. They hate the food, the movie, the server and especially their chair. Well I'm sorry that my theater's chair is only designed to fit one human being, not the equivalent of three pigs, one cow and a rhinoceros.

Then they begin to complain about everything and the thing is, for being such big...things or whatever, they have really high-pitched voices that, when mixed with their large bodies, literally make them sound like the Dory from Finding Nemo. Once they're done complaining and finally take the 40min walk back to their cars in the Handicapped spot, and drive away. This is where the real fun begins, psychologically speaking that is. You see, these Fatty McFattisons are the assholes in minivans that are so weighed down they look like they just came out of a Mexican chop shop are the ones driving 20mph above the speed limit. It took me a little bit to figure out why they did so, but I eventually understood. These people are used to walking so slow it's like they're standing still but vibrating towards their destinations, causing them to drive fast with the windows down and feel the speed (Like running for normal people). So next time you see a fat person speeding, make sure you wave to them and let them know that you know how fat they are and feel.

I almost broke my penis when I rolled over my morning wood last week...scary!

I was at Studio Movie Grill last week and I'm pretty sure Matthew Perry was cast in 17 Again to remind the public how much of a fat, annoying and talentless individual he is...in other news, Zac Efron is no longer a douche. Partly because he kisses a MILF and partly because he can actually act, enough said.

A girl I know is doing cocaine because her friend began smoking weed again...

...yes, you read that right. To be honest, I'm not friends with her because of her intelligence or personality, or lack-thereof (did anyone NOT see that line coming?). I mean, I get that most girls are obviously less intelligent than men because their brains are smaller (Scientific fact), but she has got to be almost borderline retarded. Normally I'd shut up and stick my penis in her but some bitch this mentally incapacitated CANNOT possibly make good life decisions...who knows what she's got inside of her.

I don't know what I find more annoying, a fat person complaining about how far they have to walk or a fat person opting to get diet coke at Jack in the Box but putting forth the extra 40 cents for curly fries...

Apparently, Oprah bought all of America dinner, except for me, recently. Did she buy everyone some pizza? Maybe some delicious burgers or healthy sandwhiches? No. KFC. In case you're wondering, the coincidence was not lost on me. Here is a woman who's fought her entire life to disprove all black stereotypes that could be put on her and then she goes and buys America food from a place where blacks congregate? For shame...

While we're on the topic of congregation areas for blacks, the economy is actually managing to make all black people worse at defying their stereotypes. Take this little story for example:

Like I said, school's over and I'll be working and going out, so adventures and social disgust will be plentiful and provide ample material for this 'ol blog of mine. I'll leave you this time with...THIS!!

The Original

The Sequel

The Finale

Day 63

2009-03-27T13:25:00.000-05:00

You just got BACON'd!!

Line of the week (month?): Girl - She texted me "You really touched my heart"
Me - You should text her back "Would you like me to touch something else?"

First things first: As you can tell, I'm very seriously contemplating making this into a monthly blog, but then I'd be like Maddox and only update once a year. Now, second things second: I've started a Twitter account so I can remember funny thoughts and share them instantly, most of which I'll elaborate on every week on here. It's the best way to keep up with what's happening on my mind-grapes. To check it out, my account name thing is @TheGreaterTruth.

I bought a new book (The Winner by David Baldacci if you must know) and aside from those few nights where I have time to read before I pass out from exhaustion, I tend to read at least one chapter every time I poop...which has been doubling as a very nice way to count hot many times I've pooped in a week. I'm thinking about making a spreadsheet of it and see what foods make me "read" longer.

I went to Monterrey (Mexico) for the first half of my spring break and literally did nothing but eat, drink and read...oh I and I went to a flea market and bought pirated DVDs of movies I liked but didn't feel were worth more than five dollars:

The Dark Knight
Che: The Argentine (Not on DVD Yet)
RockNRolla
Flashbacks of a Fool
Appaloosa
The Foot Fist Way
Ping Pong Playa

Each one was about two dollars and all were pristine DVD quality, hell, TDK, PPP and TFFW had special features and shit. Gotta love international travel. Does this qualify me as a smuggler? I hope so.

One my last night I was watching a movie, Efectos Secundarios, with one of the roommates and one of the characters made a comment I had never heard of. Apparently, saying you're "self-employed" in Spanish is the same thing as saying you masturbate...interesting, eh? On a different note, maybe it's the air but ejaculating in a different country always feels kinky and risky...I love it.

I'm currently "following" the ever-so-delicious Fran Drescher on Twitter...jealous? You should be.

Facebook got a new layout and I wouldn't mind it so much if people's status updates didn't solely consist of bible verses, song quotes and weak attempts to be philosophical (Mary Is flying in the dreams of others). If only there was an application to block them...

Last weekend, Knowing came out and killed a bunch of people with awesome long takes, CGI fire and bad music. It was pretty cool until all this aliens bullshit came up and everyone started saying they were angels. Oh, and the kids at the end running towards a CGI tree in a sea of CGI tentacles was also pretty annoying. Any filmmaker, nay, screenwriter, that is working on a script right now and thinks that putting in religious parallels where people walk out saying "Where they aliens or where they angels?" makes the story seem smart, it doesnt. It's not open to interpretation, it's lazy. Write an original ending, instead of copying off a book half the fucking world has read, and stick with it.

Why does a brothel always sound like some sort of Jewish soup? Maybe they're the same thing...

Through a random text message I received on Wednesday, I was asked to prom by my stalker. I said yes to the post-prom sex but no to the dance...I have yet to receive a reply.

I had a dream last night where I was having lunch with Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Brokeback Mountain) and he had some serious OCD problems with the placement of the table and he was teaching me something about video games using holes in the ground and different sized erasers...even Freud would be like "Vat ze fuck?"

While eating at Chic-Fil-A, I saw three cars with handicapped stickers/people on them and noticed that all three were fat. Then I realized that almost every single crippled person I've ever seen (Not "met", I don't associate myself with those kinds of people) is fat. This sickens me. Not being able to walk isn't an open invitation to rape every McDonalds and Jack-In-The-Box in town.

I'll leave you with the three best trailers of 2009 so far, in order from "OMG OMG OMG" to "Looks pretty good".
Where The Wild Things Are

Give 'em Hell, Malone

Taking Woodstock

Day 62

2009-02-23T17:21:00.002-06:00

Line of the Week: What time do you start throwing out donuts? -Tina Fey on 30 Rock

Let me begin by confirming that it is in fact my 21st birthday today. Being 21 means I can do all the shit I've been doing since middle school...except in public now...minus the masturbation.

While in my intriguing Biology class the other day, and on the one day I arrive late and have to sit next to some tall weird foreign kid, the blond girl next to me did an extraordinary thing. She managed to make the entire class think "What the fuck?" so hard you could feel it. As our professor was rambling on about nucleotides and proteins and whatnot, she interjects and says the following:
"This is kinda random, but I heard on the radio that Green Tea can prevent AIDS. Is that true?"
I actually choked on my water for a second before I realized that it was not a hallucination. This is America's future...maybe suicide isn't such a big sin after all...

I recently had a multicultural dinner, I ate Japanese food being cooked by a black person with white people who were talking about where to get the best Chinese food...which means I couldn't make ANY racist comments about anyone. Hell, there was a gay too, and he wasn't having any Milk jokes, so I just sat silently and made fun of the people with the ugly baby behind us...justice is served? No, but my Teryaki chicken was delicious.

I think people really need to stop using the word trifecta so much, it's retarded, overused and not funny...yeah, you thought I was gonna use it too, didn't you? If you did, you probably used it today and thought it sounded nice.

Like most of you peoples noes, I work at Studio Movie Grill, where we have food and shit. I'm the box office guy so I know what's selling and what isn't. That said, the only movie we got last weekend was Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail. How his movie makes more money than The Reader I'll never know...oh wait, because people are collectively retarded.

One thing I noticed was that we sold out all showings of Madea goes to Jail except the 4:30 showing and it took me a second to realize why, but then I remembered that the shifts at KFC and McDonalds don't end until. Also, I've recently completed this data:

Paul Blart : White Families
Madea Goes to Jail : Black Families
Meet the Spartans : Groups of Teenagers
The Jonas Brothers in 3D : Groups of Kids
---------------------------------------------
Conclusion - Anyone in a group with more than 3 people can be considered a full-retard, to the point that genocide is acceptable.

A friend of mine recently used the simile: Snore like a whale, and it got me thinking my usual thought-process which I will reveal only because it's my b-day:
Snores like a whale? whale's live underwater. water has no air. air is needed for sound to travel. you can't hear underwater. you can't be raped underwater because no one could hear you say no. How do water-dwelling animals make sound then? How does it go anywhere? Dory being able to talk whale was so bullshit. Finding Nemo was overrated, The Incredibles was better. Pixar's pretty badass. Cars was boring though. It almost put me to sleep. Do whales even snore?

My aunt needed me to take her to the doctor's office last week and I had to stop at the same intersection on the way back as I did on the way not back. The first time I had to shoo away some short Mexican guy because I didn't have any money...to waste...on him. Then, on the way back, he comes up to me again and calls me "bro" and asks if I had any money now. I let him know immediately that I didn't have any goddamn money to give to the Cholo Charity Fund and that if I did, I'd rather show it to him, get a Chocolate Overload Cake from Jack-In-The-Box and eat it in front of him. Granted, I was drinking out of my water bottle while I said it so he probably just heard "Nope, haha, no money this time, sorry!", but I think he got the message.

Due to the fucking insane movies I've been watching lately, I've been thinking a bit about death and I've decided that I want my ashes to be sprinkled in the margaritas of Studio Movie Grill so all the MILFs and divorcees can have me inside of them.

Sometimes I feel like I should meet up with all my readers and see what they're like. Then I check my traffic meter and see that people get to my site by searching this. Yeah, let's keep this relationship just like this...forever...please.

The Oscars happened and aside from some awesome disses towards the the financial miss of The Reader and Ben Stiller impersonating insane Joaquin Pheonix, they were pretty boring. A few sidenotes:

Alan Arkin...you say Seymour Philip Hoffman one more goddamn time and I'll take your undeserved Oscar from your wrinkly old fingers, you hear me?
Jessica Biel and Tilda Swinton: What. The Fuck?
Jack Black, tonight marks the first time you've actually made me laugh out loud.
Fuck you, AMPAS!

That's it for me this time around, wish me a happy birthday, although it doesn't matter because I'm always happy regardless, and I'll leave you with these:

Day 61

2009-02-04T00:03:00.000-06:00

So does Dumbledore...

Line of the Week: What time do you start throwing out donuts? -Liz Lemon on 30 Rock

There was no update last week, I was probably busy or under the influence or watching another movie...I was probably just watching actor interviews on YouTube though.

While at Quiznos last week, I stole 51 cents from someone. I say someone because it was in the automatic change tray and I didn't get the plasure of physically taking it from them. It was nifty and all, but because it was the mistake of someone else and not my personal sneakiness or even deviousness, it didn't have that same rush or excitment behind it. It felt wrong to receive money without taking it away from someone...don't get me wrong though, I still took it and it's in my car right now, but it just doesn't feel as right as it should.

During an intruiging and VERY late-night conversation I had with some friends, we decided that the biggest thing missing from Twilight, among many, many, many, many others, was the lack of the main character being a badass. Now I'm not talking about the ugly chick who can't act, I'm talking about the brosef who can't act. What they need to do is replace Robert Patterson with Clint Eastwood. Can you even begin to imagine how many lonely teenage girls and lonely older women would purchase a black emo shirt with the line "Get off my lawn, Jacob" on the front? They'd sell like fucking Pokemon cards, and not the new ones, I'm talking about the originals with Bulbasaur, Scyther, Dragonite, Hunter and Charizard.

It's no secret that January and February are ALWAYS a shit month for movies because they're the dumping ground for movies the studios know aren't any good. There's always one exception (Cloverfield, Taken, etc.) but usually there's only crap that attracts people with the IQs so low you wonder how they're able to feed themselves or reproduce correctly.

Last weekend(?), we received Inkheart and Underworld 3 (Yeah, I know), which brought children, which are essentially miniature retarded people, and fat, grotesque people-like beings that looks like they haven't left their parents' basement in months...and Houston doesn't even have basements! The worst part is the fatties. Oh man, they come in ready to order two full meals with dessert and always complain about their food not having enough grease. Plus, they're the only people who whine about having to walk to the back of the theater...which is maybe a difference of 30 steps. You may think I'm kidding or exaggerating but I've seen and heard it happen at LEAST a hundred times since I've started working there.

I genuinely believe that if there were anthropomorphic tomatoes alive, they would tell us that they prefer to be carried from location to location by goats. Not only that, they have the type of personality that would request to be held in bushels and round baskets as opposed to crates. Don't they seem like the kind to say stuff like that?

I was on Facebook today and noticed that they were giving away a free "gift" that was basically a card saying Thanks. I don't know if this is some sort of mass subliminal advertising to be more conformist to their ways, but it sure seems nice. In accordance to their request, I gave myself thanks for being me and always being there when I needed myself, regardless of how angry I, or myself, were. Don't believe me? Check out the screen cap I took of myself:

Beat that mofos!

As I type this, I'm sitting in my Business Computer blahblahblah class and half-listening to my professor explain to us the values of bits, bytes, kilobytes and so on. She just said that each bit is essentially a single character and asked us how many bites are in the word "LOVE," to which I stated to the people around me "None, because it doesn't exist." Good times for all...this class is dull and uninspired. If I were to give it a review I would give it no stars out of five and then proceed to do what normal people do and read Maureen Down articles from The New Yorker and Liebovitz photographs from Vanity Fair.

I saw Push last night at a screening at AMC 30 on Dunvale and Westheimer which, if you live in Houston, know that it is NOT a good theater to EVER go to. I could say "I saw a movie with a bunch of uneducated and ignorant minorities" and it would convey the exact same sentiments. Aside from the screening being sponsored by 97.9 The Box (A local rap station), posters, shirts and cups were given out by way of a mini scavenger hunt where the DJs called out the following items: Red lipstick, a blue pen and socks with holes...which translates to any person who can't afford new socks. They didn't even ask any movie trivia...dicks.

Yes, they asked for socks with holes in them, I'm not making that up...

That's about all I can conjure up for now, but look for more ridiculous nothings coming up next week! Here's the remixed version of Christian Bale cussing out the DP of Terminator Salvation:

No Update This Week

2009-01-23T15:53:00.005-06:00

No update this week, I'm still too pissed about the following item to think about anything else:

(Click the Picture...)

Fucking AMPAS...

Oh, and before I forget:

Buttholes.

Day 60

2009-01-15T17:30:00.001-06:00

I said it once and I'll say it again, woman are more shallow than men...

Line of the Week: Well I like aggressive women with a nerdy vibe... -A midget on 30 Rock

As if the existence of MTV wasn't bad enough, my sister thinks it's awesome to watch The City (Like The Hills, but the chick somehow manages to have an even fatter face than the other one) whenever she comes home from school. As I was looking for nude pictures of Mary-Louise Parker I glanced over to the TV and saw this exchange occur in a club:

Fat-Faced Girl's Friend: So what sign are you?
Guy Who Likes Fat Chicks Because They're on TV: Uhhhh.......Gemini (Smile)
FFGF: Like, aren't you, like, supposed to, like, be, like, two-faced and devious?
GWLFCBTOT: (Jokingly) Yeah
FFGF: Oh... (Facial Expression: This isn't gonna work out...)
Fat-Faced Girl: Hmmm (Facial Expression: Oh no, you're right.)
Me: I actually can't feeling my penis anymore...

The something annual Golden Globes happened last week and because I only focused on the film portion I got 10/14 correct...there's no joke here, just bragging about my brain-grapes.

I started school again on Monday, which is why I didn't update sooner, so here's the rundown of classes right meow:

Trigonometry
I've got an Indian teacher made a pun about planes...I don't know, maybe it's just me, but when one of them brown people talk about anything metal in the air it makes me uncomfortable, she's lucky I no longer have Cheney on speed dial or she would've been outta there faster than you could say "Derka Derkastan." Oh, and I also have two crippled chicks in my class, they're not attractive or anything, but they think just because they suck at sports and drunk driving I have to hold the door open for them, and get pissed when I don't...fucking whores.

Biology
Another Desi instructor, this one with a heavier accent and better sense of humor though. She made us meet the person to our right and left and since I already knew the one on the left, I was pleased to know that the girl on my right was just as uninteresting as I had imagined, don't you love it when stuff like that happens? It's like having exact change at Jack-In-The-Box or something. Then we went to the lab where we I saw that a girl from my Speech class during the summer (Ya'll remember that, right?) was also in this class. While making her laugh I managed to get a fantastic and almost intentional view of her cleavage...if she didn't have a kid and a waist that made her skirt stretch I would be all up on that.

Haha, just kidding, stretch marks and offspring aint my thing.

BCIS
This class is ridiculously fun and easy (Fun-Y?), we had to make a three-slide PowerPoint Presentation about our dream job. Then, we had to write on the discussion board to introduce ourselves and post a reply on the intros of at least two other classmates...yeah. There was one mildly kinda-cute chick in that class and even though she sat next to me on the first day, it turns out she dropped the class before the second day, lucky bitch.

History of Film
I was super fucking excited about this class because everyone knows as much, and more, about film as I do. Granted, I had to sit between the socially-rejected-fat-goth chick and annoyingly-arrogant chick with a deep voice on the first day, but nothing too bad...although I did want to choke the life out of the latter when she said that 2001: A Space Odyssey was the worst film ever made. Oh, and almost everyone there also thinks Crash and Forrest Gump were extremely overrated...thank Pesci.

While I was working on Sunday, some chick who I didn't know asked me if I went to Cy-Falls and that if I had been in choir, confused by her accuracy I replied that I did and had been. She laughed, told her friend that she knew she knew me from somewhere, took the tickets and went to watch their movie. A few hours later a coworker tells me she texted him to give me her number so that I could text her. Being in the mood for some potential comedic situations and only being able to remember she wasn't fat, I agreed to this proposition and texted her.

I regretted this decision immediately.

I made fun of a girl I met in my winter mini-mester class about how she's had stalkers, but it appeared that the joke was now on me. This girl texted me more in those four hours than I usually text in an entire day, hell, she even texted me a "hey good morning" message at 6:47 in the fucking morning on my first day of school. Honestly, who the fuck texts someone they haven't even met anytime before noon? She doesn't know my schedule and woke me the fuck up before I was even planning to get up. She didn't stop for the remainder of the week....until last night.

I sent out a mass text message that I was going to see Defiance and that whoever wanted to come with was welcome to join me and she was down for it. Luckily, so had two other pairs of people, so it wouldn't be a date (She's in fucking high school and looks like it). Not 20min. before I was about to leave my house, one pair canceled and so did my friend's date. I reluctantly left my house with my friend and when she told me her aunt had had a heart attack three hours ago (Or was it three heart attacks one hour ago?) and that she couldn't go, I thanked Morgan Freeman for looking out for me. Right as I passed where we would've met up though, she calls me to let me know she can come after all...fuck. I drive back to get her and when I pull in and she sees my friend in the car, she gives the most fantastic face ever...in every imagination of the word, it was perfect.

We get to the screening super late and decide to watch Slumdog Millionaire instead, my third time, with the group of Jews who didn't make it in either (First they were locked in dark, cold rooms and now they aren't allowed in! Oh, the irony!) and go back to Studio Movie Grill so I can get her back to her car. Instead, I decide to eat and while I say hi to everyone, she simply sits down next to me and says NOT A FUCKING THING. Never in the mood to play games with girls I'm not interested in I proceed to have some of the most ridiculously fun conversations with the seven other people I know at the bar. She eventually tells me she's gotta go, so I walk her to her car, give her a hug, take my sweater back and return to my waiting pizza at the bar. After texting me twice that she had a good time (I never replied to either one) I finish my meal and go to sleep.

The next day (last night) she starts asking if we would ever hang out again, to which I reply "Ya." After some more questions about what movie I'm watching (The Hours), if I wanted to go to a choir concert (No) and why I don't like to see movies with a lot of people (They make sound), she finally asks me if I would ever date her, this is what I sent:

Oooh, you don't wanna ask me that. I've NEVER planned ahead far enough to be able to give an honest answer, I prefer to do it spontaneous, on the fly. Plus, I've only had like 3 relationships because they're not my thing, I'm too young and ambitious to have a single girl...I mean, I'd date you but I would never promise exclusivity.

What does that mean? I have no fucking clue, I just threw a bunch of cliche responses together because she was interrupting my movie enough already. She hasn't texted me since then. If I used emoticons, I would put a big motherfucking smiley face here...girls are weird.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should find the movie Oldboy and watch it. It has incest, rape, stabbing, torture, mind games, imprisonment, revenge, guns, angel wings, beatdowns and an awesome score...oh, and it's in Korean so you won't actually feel bad about any of it.

I was reading the Houston Chronicle a couple days back and saw a tip for those participating in an upcoming marathon: Drink water before the race! It took a colorful box the size of a mouse pad to convey this oh-so-helpful advice to any runners, you know, in case they all had anterograde amnesia. It's absurd, like if I was going to run that marathon and while walking down the street someone came up to me and asked if I was going to run the marathon and warned me to "NOT each Wendys every day before it, it would not be a good idea." Newspapers really need to work on the shit they're saying, then again, if they did that we wouldn't get films like Citizen Kane and State of Play and whatnot.

I haven't done any stand up in almost four months, but I haven't written anything new either so I suppose it's all for the best. To be honest, I really wouldn't wanna go up on some random stage and be like "So I was, masturbating the other day and, uh, I came much sooner than I intended and I had to wash my mom's silk robe again...she's gonna kill me." That's stupid shit, that belongs on here, not on stage. This paragraph is more for me than for you, so you can just skip this, watch the video below and pretend like I wrote something fucking hilarious here...douche.

I think that's enough for this week, I'll probably get some more material this weekend when I work since we're getting Paul Blart, Hotel for Dogs (Emma Roberts = Hottest barely lega celeb since Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and My Bloody Valentine...so it'll pretty much be idiots, stupid families and fucking retards...and that's excluding all the blacks I'll have to avoid to see Notorious this weekend. I'll probably just wake up early and go to a noonish showing since we all know how lazy they are. Until next week, remember, One hand in the bush means you're like, an inch, from her vagina.

Day 59

2009-01-05T13:37:00.001-06:00

Never forget...(Great way to kick off '09)

Line of the Week(s):
I was gonna fist you... -Norm from Yes Man
But I prefer walking around checking out little asian girls...wait, fuck. -Me at work
She could eat me under a table -Kate Winslet on Letterman

Hey there everybody! I hope you enjoyed this fantastic three-week hiatus as much as I did. A lot has happened since my last update, Christmas, New Years, Winter Minimester, those things those inferior people call holidays like Kwanzaa and Hannuka, movie binging, hott chicks, black guys with two teeth and terrorism...oh, and I think someone died, but I'm not sure. Then again, who really knows when death actually happens?

Soon after my last update, I got into a discussion (One-sided argument where I was winning) with a friend of mine, who did not believe that the ICEE is the best liquid forged from the hands of man. The conversation went something like this, with me improvising most of my "facts":

Him: I dunno, it's just not that good...
Me: Are you kidding me? It's like watching Jane Seymour prepare perfection in a glass, then eating her out as you pour it into your mouth, letting that liquid freeze just enough until you can drink it with that big straw and adding just a dash of love...
Him: What the fuck? It's just alright, there's better drinks out there.
Me: Ok, what better liquid is there to have going down your throat?
Him: Umm...
Me: Exactly! Now, if you were a girl, you'd obviously say "Oh Homero, how about your warm cum as it fills my stomach, of course!" But since you're not, you wouldn't understand. Do you at least get what I'm trying to say about how amazing ICEEs really are?
Him: Who's Jane Seymour?

On an unrelated note, my birthday is in two months and I get really thirsty...

Christmas was rather uneventful, we basically made food at our house, drove 40min. to my grandmother's house, ate it there with everyone, opened a few presents and then drove back home. The major occurrence of the night was me being able to hear the ghost of Pancho Villa crying because we were eating real food instead of fucking tamales like every other Mexican family in the world. Also, everyone came around in a circle and said thanks for the year or something, which I found extremely weird. I mean, most people gave thanks during Thanksgiving. What crazy idea made my family think they'd be able to get their thanks in almost a full month after the deadline, I'll never know. At least I got some cash and took a nap after I ate.

I woke up early the next to day to watch the most beautiful looking movie of 2008, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and the worst film of 2008, The Spirit. The latter was so bad that by the end of the two hours, one-third of the theater had walked out and I was mass texting everyone telling them how horrible this movie really was. I then went to work and made sure every customer knew how fucking horrible that film really was.

Some time before or after the event in the last paragraph happened, I went to my aunt's graduation at Minute Maid Park. It used to be called Reliant I think, or maybe Enron, the point is orange soda is getting way too fucking powerful. Instead of using a real flag during the national anthem, they decided to use the scoreboard to produce a waving flag...seriously. It was the most patriotic LED display I had seen in years. Also, they were nice enough to have the lyrics play over the flag, you know, in case you moved to the US and graduated in less than a month and had never heard the national anthem before.

While sitting there, bored off my ass (what does that even mean?), I made patronizing conversations with the people around me and noticed a sign being held up by some other folks in another section. After reading it three times and asking my sister to read it out loud to me to make sure I read it right, I was sure that it read "Congrats Colors!!" I have no fucking clue what they were trying to say with that message, but it sounds to me like they are much more racist than myself...hell, they didn't even think any other race but their own could have the ability to graduate.

One day not immediately after or before the previous event, I was in my minimester class. The first day I had the honor of sitting between two annoying, loud, black girls who didn't stop talking on my left, and two annoying, loud, black girls who didn't stop talking on my right. I proceeded to think about the good old days when they had to sit in a different classroom and drink from different water fountains, but stopped when I realized I was getting a nostalgia erection.

In the same class, on a different day, a different seat and a different circumstance causing my erection, I found what you would call a terrorist. An Indian kid sitting in front and to the left of me was on his lappy, looking at videos of nuclear bomb testing and explosions on Google Video. Because he's dark brown and has a Slumdog Millionaire accent, I knew he wasn't a terrorist, but because we're in Texas, I knew that motherfucker was probably Obama Bin Laden's son. Even his name sounded fishy...Jason, I think it was...maybe Josh, or Jordan...probably not the latter, since that's more oriented towards tall white guys and black folk.

While I was in line to pay for something I was going to buy at Academy I noticed a little item called an "Ultra Thin Pedometer," which, as it turns out, is NOT a device that tells you how many times you've created a crime that would label you as a pedophile, designed for skinny people. Yeah, I was disappointed too.

I hope you all enjoyed this update, I'll make sure to keep up with this thing from now on, although I'm not sure if it'll continue to be updated Mondays. Until next week, remember: You can attempt something great and fail, or you can attempt nothing and wear comfortable pants.

Day 58

2008-12-16T13:44:00.013-06:00

Tony Jaa is the only good thing to come out of Thailand aside from prostitution...

Line of the Week: You Krispy Kreme motherfuckers!! -The black detective looking for solid justice in Punisher: War Zone.

Hey, you know how sometimes you're just so busy you completely forget to post an update to a regular site that belongs to you? Me neither, I didn't want to update last week because finals are annoying and I didn't feel the need to, so deal with it.

In case some of you don't read the comments at the end of some of my posts, this is what you missed from my last entry...

Some Teenager came into SMG the other day with letter jacket on. I didn't notice the last name until my supervisor told me if I find a guy with the same last name as the one on the jacket, to let her know because she wants to name her future child, are you ready for this, Billy the Kidd... She seriously said that. I asked her what her boyfriend's last name was and she said Deal, although I'm sure his family spells it wrong. I said that Billy the Deal isn't too bad either, although it sounds like a very affordable male prostitute that would use slogans like these:

I'm Billy the Deal and if you can find a cheaper price for Snowballing, I guarantee I'll match it!
Hi, I'm Billy the Deal! Are you sick of cumming and feeling lonely? For this month only, every Rim Job is 70% off and includes 10min. of free cuddling and stroking!
Billy the Deal here, are hand job rates getting, well, out of hand? Well, have I got the Deal *Wink* for you! Come with me with a proof of a competitor's lower price and I'll beat it, personally!
Hi, I'm Billy the Deal, and I'll let you fist my ass for a 50-pack of Chicken McNuggets.

Alright, that last one my have been a little much, but you get the point.

I've been so busy and apathetic lately that I actually got in trouble in my Sociology class. I got to class just as people were going in so instead of sitting in my usual seat, I had to sit one row back, which also happened to be the back of the room, and the corner, nonetheless. I didn't really care because the only two girls worth talking to in that class sat there and I talked with them before class all the time. Basically, after a couple warnings directed to the girls to stop talking, I ended up getting in trouble for talking to one of them. The teacher kicked one of the girls out of class and giving me a talking to afterwards, threatening me with being immature and asking me why I, a student with one of the highest grades of the class, would even talk to people "like them." She went on and I kept on changing the conversation to myself and my stand up comedy (seriously, we talked about our favorite comedians for like 4min.) and then left because I had shit to do and she is nothing you should look at for a long time...because she's ugly.

The next class, she pulls me from the hallway before class starts and tells me, as I smile, that we can't have another incident and that she wants me sitting in the front, away from the girl. Well little does she know that love has no boundaries, but I decided to ignore that and sat one row ahead of my usual spot and talked to Erika's boyfriend instead, making jokes like usual. Hell, when she said, and I quote: "Men, you gotta catch up. The four highest grades in the class are all women!" I replied with "Oh no, we would actually be worried about that if they didn't get paid 75 cents for every dollar we make..." She turned this into a Sociological discussion because it was one of those It's-funny-because it's-true moments. I assumed this was the end of it, but no, it was not.

The next day, I get a call from Student Services or something and the Dean of SS (Coincidental abbreviation? I think not) wants to talk to me about the incident. I get to her office on Wednesday and notice that she's a babe. So not only do I get to tell her about how the teacher overreacted, I get to check out her legs as she's taking down notes too? Thank you deviance! In the end, nothing happened, except that it was a win-win-win situation: My teacher got resolution in that I talked to her superior, the Dean did her job by pretending to give a shit about my teacher, and I got to stare at an 8/10 for half an hour.

If movies were real, all police sergeants would be middle-aged black men who are married, are sick of disobedient employees and do things by the book...unless that rebel detective pushes him to bend the rules for JUSTICE.

I watched Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut a couple nights ago. I wish I could explain how amazing it is and why you need to see that movie ASAP, especially if you have a penis, have had a penis or really wish you had one. Here's a list of things you'll see if you watch this movie:

Nicole Kidman's bare ass in the opening scene
Tom Cruise rubbing Kidman's tits
Two hott chicks wanting to fuck Tom Cruise
A hott naked hooker
Nicole Kidman naked
Kidman's bare tits
Angry Kidman's tits
Flirty Kidman's tits
Drunk Kidman's tits
Jealous Kidman's tits
Aroused Kidman's tits
Dream Sequence Kidman's tits
Stoned Kidman's tits
Disappointed Kidman's tits
Vengeful Kidman's tits
Confused Kidman's tits
Adulterous Kidman's tits
Sad Kidman's tits
Apathetic Kidman's tits
Dangerous Kidman's tits
and a 15min. brothel/orgy sequence.

Now to move on with no transition what-so-ever...

I actually felt like I was being punished for all my "sins" last night, when I went to go see Punisher: War Zone with some friends (Fo' free). It started off harmless enough, a decent title sequence and although I'm not going to review it, I want to mention some things. Despite it being one of the worst movies this year, I would still fuck the juices out of Lexi Alexander, although I would now feel a bit dirty and shameful after wards...and snuggling would be totally out of the question. However, the Punisher literally jumps off a semi to drop the People's Elbow on a generic bad guy. Completely unnecessary and ridiculous? Yes. Fucking awesome? Yes. The makeup was so bad, I was half-expecting Jigsaw to start walking up to people and ask "You wanna know how I got these plastic stitches?" Oh, and for all my fellow members of the Aryan Brotherhood, there's plenty of racism in the last 20min. of the film, including a black guy with dreadlocks who loves running and jumping and talks with a horribly harsh Irish accent (Also, can you tell Billy to stop untagging me on the Facebook Group photos?).

There's only one thing I can post that can follow all the ridiculousness that I described above, and yes, it's fucking hilarious because it's true...

I'll leave you with something that is necessary in times like these...something...motivational, inspirational and...lovable:

Day 57

2008-12-01T12:20:00.002-06:00

I really hate motivational posters but I actually laughed at this...

Line of the Week: Rape: An American Family Tradition -IHOP Excursion

You know how sometimes you think you're getting a deal when you're actually not because you're completely unawares of any effects of said "deal?" Well I do, and I can safely say it probably almost killed me...except not.

I'm talking about the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. After getting out of class and doing some stuff at home, I went to Ryan's house and from there, a few of us decided to go to Sonic. Why would I, Homero, the guy who eats Chicken McNuggets like they're Chicken McNuggets, ever want to go somewhere other than McDonalds? Well if I stop interrupting myself in the 3rd person, I'll tell you. On this fateful day, Sonic deemed it necessary to make all Corn Dogs only 50 cents...naturally, I decided to buy five of them, along with an order of Tater Tots and a large coke. I wish I could remember actually eating them all but I wasn't sober enough, althuogh I'm pretty sure I was crying while I tried to finish the last one...what a horrible idea.

Lets talk about Turkey Day and shit. I woke up feeling like shit onThursday, made myself some waffles (Perfect after corn dogs) and brought a Christmas tree into existence...just like this God character I hear so much about. It wasn't even that hard. I really don't get why he gets all this praise and I end up getting itchy fingers...it's bullshit. I mean, I did it while watching a marathon of America's Best Dance Crew which is actually very similar to Very Flexible High School Drop Outs.

Afterwards, I went to my aunts house to watch my family members get fat. Before we ate, however, my family stood in a circle around the food (Because that's what you're supposed to worship in Catholicism) and I watched them foolishly give thanks to, again, this God character. Seriously, who does that? Especially on a fay that has the word thanks in the title. By the time he actually get their message of thanks, it'll be January and he'll be too busy working on Super Bowl commercials and protecting Obama on the inaguration. I was the smart one though because I caught God on Facebook Chat, and even though he didn't reply because of his status (God is stroking his...ego!), I sent him a message to his email. I didn't give thanks, I just asked him why the hell he made The Dark Knight DVD so fucking retarded...it's not even worth buying. Case in point, God's been an arrogant asshole this year.

Working this weekend I noticed two things:

Twilight fans are more retarded than I previously feared.
Black people who last saw Soul Men, saw Transporter 3...

...so blacks like stupid comedy and Jason Statham. I actually have a theory that they have a thing for guys with English accents, especially if they're in an action movie, but I'll have to wait until The International comes out for me to test that.

Sorry about the short updates lately, I'm normally much better about it, but I've been too busy lately...especially with all the 20 DVDs I bought on African-American Friday. My next movie is Raging Bull, followed by Domino and then Se7en. Next week I'll explain to everyone how the ICEE came to be, but until then, LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Day 56

2008-11-24T23:49:00.002-06:00

What. The. Fuck?!

Line of the Week: Blasphemy High Five -Me, to Matt, at Starbucks with these two chicks.

Herro, herro. Not much has happened this week aside from various situations that ocurred during work and school, but hopefully you'll enjoy hearing about them as much as I did experiencing them. Or not, I don't really care, it's not like I'm getting paid for this. However, I did update the Films of 2008 section to the right, so you can see what films are worth checking out for the rest of the year!!

I thought this was interesting story, apparently, John McCain, a full 15 days after the election results were counted, has won Missouri. Like Morgan watching Twilight at a screening before everyone else, this is one of those cases where you can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

While I was working on Saturday, a redneck with poor posture came and bought some tickets. After I gave him the total, he looks at me with a slightly confused look, glances down at his wallet and asks "American?" Umm...no, I want you to pay me in fucking rupees, of course American dollars. Jesus, it's not like this is Somalia, where you can pay in sand or whatever...some people.

Later, towards the evening, I had this exchange with two women:

Me: Hi, how are you?
Woman 1: I'm doing good
Woman 2: We're good
Woman 1: Let me get one adult for Twilight
Me: Alright...here's your ticket, and there's your menu and coaster.
Woman 2: Let me get the same thing.
Me: Ok
Woman 1: Oh, and we don't need another menu, we can share this one. We're easy.
Me: .....
Woman 2: ....
Me: ...ummm, I don't think that came out the way you wanted that to.
Woman 1: Huh? OOP! Oh my god!
Woman 2 and Me: Hahahahaha

It was much funnier in person, especially since she was giddier than a Japanese school girl at a Hello Kitty convention...that comment made her happiness turn into embarrassment REALLY fast.

This is one of those instances where the saying "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" does NOT apply...what a shame.

I met some chick from New York this week and despite not being at all like the girls I saw while I was in New York a while ago, she DID have the accent. She said things like "coouffee" and "reap" and it was fantastic because I could tell she thought I was interested when I was actually just asking her questions so I could hear her say more words. I was literally like "Oh my god, you have an accent? That is...so...awesome, I want to stick my penis in your mouth. I mean, WOW."

Ok, that last part my have come out something like "So when did you move here?" but I'm pretty sure she understood what I meant.

Oh, and I also met her friend, whose name is December...yeah, not even I could make that shit up. She's like 3 feet tall and is hispanic, which means I'd sooner masturbate with soap than try and go out with her...but hey, maybe next week I'll find someone worth talking to! Maybe not.

Well that's about it, next week I'm going to write either a rant or a topical entry like my Rape or Resident Evil ones, so watch for that. I'll end this rather short entry with a clip from Ricky Gervais' interview on Inside the Actor's Studio, premiering in January:

Day 55

2008-11-17T12:22:00.000-06:00

Like I've said before, marketing majors are superior to all...

Line of the Week: All Rockets, No Sockets...Andy Richter with his Bon-A Constrictor...Artie Lang with his Hearty Wang -Conan O' Brien Sausage Week

Woo woo for busy people, and when I say woo woo I actually don't mean that, so take it as you will...did the previous sentence make any sense? I thought it may have not, so lets enjoy it...for now.

I've recently arrived to the conclusion that women are, in fact, much more shallow than men. You see, the only reason the Jonas Brothers, Michael Phelps or Bobcat Bob get laid is because of their social hierarchy and social influence/power. If these guys weren't on TV chances are they'd be at home masturbating to Lorelai from Gilmore Girls like everyone else, but because they have more coverage than what's entering Paris Hilton, they're loved by women around the world. Like I said though, if they weren't as famous as they are, most girls wouldn't even give them a second look or the time of day, night, dusk and that weird time when it's none of those and you feel really sleepy. Men on the other hand, don't care whether you're life consists of being inside the social elite or the socially inept and live in a cardboard box; if you're hott, we'll get all up in there (You can quote me on that). I think the only thing that can actually sway a guy from a girl is hygiene, a shower is a must because as much as we love boobs, we're not going to go and make two piles of mud and motor boat them...not because it's weird, but because we don't remember to pay for health care.

I always forget how funny Roger Ebert is...and then he writes something like this.

After work last week, Dan invited me to go with him to some small get together and since I was starving, I made him stop at McDonalds so I could get some of those fantastic Chicken McNuggets. While in line, I noticed that my pants had a ridiculous amount of fuzz all over my pants and needed something sticky to get it off, so I asked Dan, half-jokingly, if he had any duct tape like the kind for rape and stuff. He did! Then, to continue that though process, I asked him if he had scissors to make precise cuts, like you would cut your victim's hair so that people don't recognize her...or you have slightly homosexual tendencies and decided those bangs had to go. he DID!! Then I asked him for a knife, in case she's seen too much...and lo and behold, in his pocket no less, Dan pulled out a fucking knife...I have the weirdest friends.

So Obama is now president...so I guess that's cool. To be honest though, I can't believe Americans actually elected one of those people...

...of course, I'm talking about him being a Hawaiian. Seriously guys, have you ever had Hawaiian Pizza? It's fucking HORRIBLE. Hawaiians actually took something as perfect as pizza and fucking ruined it...and now we've got one of them in office? It's disgusting. Not only that, I hear Starbucks wants to make an Obama Coffee; you know what that's gonna be like, right? A coffee with enough milk to make it extremely light-brown with a bunch of pineapple chunks...way to drop the ball America...we could've had it all with Bob Barr, but no, you fucked up and now we all have to pay for it.

I also saw Changeling last week and a thought came to my mind while watching it that I'm trying to resolve. Why didn't she just get a DNA test to prove he wasn't her kid? I was furiously contemplating this for the longest time until it hit me, Angelina Jolie would never think to utilize a DNA test to prove that her son was actually not her son because NONE of her kids are related to her...here's to hoping she kept receipts. Oh, and aside from the surprise ending, the movie was really damn boring and uninspired, I don't see any Oscar nominations for this picture.

Alright, I'm gonna go watch Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire at an early screening tomorrow night so I gotta get some reading done for this history professor that won't stop living in the past. I'll leave you with a video that exemplifies one of my theories about comedy...it's funnier when it's completely serious, which is why SNL is only worth watching once a month and Kristen Wiig needs to get her own comedy show:

No Update Today

2008-11-10T11:16:00.002-06:00

I have a bunch of presentations and projects due all this week, so I won't update until Wednesday or so.

However, tomorrow is the Comedy Night event at Lone Star College. It starts at 7pm in the Conference center and is completely free. I'll be doing a 10min. set to open for Houston comedian Billy D. Washington. Come check it out, it'll be fun, and maybe I'll go out to eat afterwards and get myself some McNuggets...holla!

Deuce.

Election Day Super-Special-Happy-Love-Time-Hour Update!!

2008-11-04T12:10:00.002-06:00

In lieu of today being the most annoying Election day in all of history, I decided to post the best speech ever given to mankind by any President of The United States of America:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!” Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

-President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) in Independence Day (1996).

Day 54

2008-11-03T12:38:00.001-06:00

Yes and I needed four pictures, and yes, those are the cheerleaders of the Jacksonville Jaguars dressed up as female Ghostbusters...it's like my recurring wet dream!!!!

Line of the Week: Smell the dick on the kid. -Taylor reciting lyrics from some band...

Hokay, I've been way too busy this past week and weekend to do a structured and really elaborate update, but I'll be on it next weekend. I'm just going to do some quick rambling and then embed a bunch of funny videos in hopes of mild compensation.

I started working at Studio Movie Grill (Hwy 6 and West Rd.) on Friday, and I'll be working there every weekend. That's the main reason why I couldn't update, but it's not to say the job is imposing, I just need to get used to the schedule. It's fun and it means that I'll be watching more movie more often now. I'm going to see RockNRolla tonight at Rave, Rachel Getting Married downtown tomorrow and Changeling at SMG on Thursday...if you want to see any of those, text me.

After work on Friday, I quickly changed into shorts, flip-flops, a dirty t-shirt with oil/dirt stains and a hat like Raiden from Mortal Kombat. Then I went to Megan's house for the Halloween party where Ashley was a slutty cop, Anna was a slutty devil, Megan was a slutty ladybug, Heather was a slutty teacher, Rachel was a slutty hippie and the guys just wore formal or ridiculously casual clothes...Halloween is the best!!

I went to Taylor's coffee place-thing-location after seeing Zack and Miri Make a Porno (again) with Raul and Lindsay on Saturday, and found out that they support my position that if I had a nuclear bomb, I would detonate it over College Station before I would detonate it over Afghanistan...because it's the worse of two evils. Oh, and then we found out all about this Pepe Silvia and Carol characters that don't exist and the Day Bow Bow...fucking hilarious:

Day Bow Bow

Pepe Silve and Carol in H.R.

Also, I've recently found out that Half Price Books is selling DVDs for less than $5!! THE FOOLS!! They don't even know how they're looooooosing and I'm winning. You see, I went in just to buy some book for class, but I walked out with the book and three DVDs for the price of one expensive meal...so you have to ask yourself, who really won? The same guy that has two thumbs but doesn't really use them to type and never noticed that until now: THIS GUY!! I'm going to get There Will be Blood, Borat, The Untouchables and any Stanley Kubrick film I can find as soon as I get my first paycheck, HOLLA!

Alright, I'm done, remember...DON'T VOTE. Seriously, it's the most unpatriotic thing you could do and chances are we'll all die if you end up doing so. It's true, here's two different kinds of proof:

Seriously, don't fucking vote or I'll track your IP and stab you in you aorta...which, according to Dexter, is the fastest and easiest way to kill a man...or woman.

Day 53

2008-10-27T15:07:00.002-05:00

Maybe abortion is wrong...

Line of the Week: I'm shooting babies, no ifs, ands or maybes -Randy quoting the Notorious B.I.G.

I want to start off by saying that not only is it fucking exciting that Halloween is this Friday, but that if you don't go to a Halloween party dressed up, you're mentally retarded. Like, seriously...retarded...in the mental way. The only people exempt from this are middle schoolers because, well, they're already mentally retarded.

I bought the Casino Royale 3-Disc Collector's Edition on Friday and holy shit, it's badass, there's so much stuff to watch and the only downside was trying to open the damn thing. The package consisted of two plastic wrappers, which is like wearing two condoms; they're annoying and cause much pain afterwards. Then, there was a box to hold the box with the actual discs...yes, a box inside of a motherfucking box. Damn you Sony, you're like the bastards who attached my Power Rangers' Zords to the cardboard using 53 twist ties...

* * * Random Contest!! * * *

I drive a Taurus and while hanging out with Taylor on Friday we came up with the genius idea to write the letters "CLI" before the name on the back of the car. Obviously, we weren't going to do it to my car, but if you do it to another car (No permanent markers, that counts as vandalism) and take a picture, I'll give you a prize of some sort.

The real big news this weekend was the "gig" that Allen and I got on Saturday. It was at College Station, so after sleeping in on Saturday and watching Sin City with director commentary, Allen and Daniel came over and we headed out (But not after hitting up McDonalds for my Chicken McNuggets). When we got to the place, what we thought was going to be a pretty decent sized event, ended up being a group of like 20 Asian nerds, the girls looked like something straight out of F.O.B. Magazine.

Afterwards, we went to the most fucking surreal party I have ever been to. Seriously, there was an Asian guy yelling half the time with the weirdest Martin Lawrence impersonation I (thought) have ever heard. Then there were weird people also yelling, some mute fucking annoying chick that tried to force me to take a Jello shot while I had a beer in my hand...I would've stabbed her but I couldn't move my arm too much or find a knife fast enough, or a place without witnesses...oh, and it's also illegal I think. Then, after spilling over ten Jello shots that caused even more yelling by the Asian guy, she spit a Jello shot at some guy, but because she's fucking stupid and drunk she hit Dan's face, my hair and hoodie and the wall behind us.

We ended up chilling at someone's house and crashing there after watching the original Nightmare on Elm Street. The whole night was pretty funny, mediocre, but funny. Some of the lines that came up through the eventful night though, were absolutely ridiculous:

If we get pulled we can just say "That wasn't a U-Turn, motherfucker, that was CLEARLY two left turns!!"
Me, on making a U-Turn where it there's a No U-Turn sign.

It's so hard picking out a new bible...I wish I had some help
Allen exclaiming loudly in the Christian section of Barnes and Nobles

What the fuck is that? It smells and sounds like Paki Techno Night...
Me, on some random Indian event we passed

Knock knock - Who's there? - Whore - Whore-who? - That act was fucking horrible...
Allen and I tag-teaming a gay Asian-singing-duo

For a restaurant that only makes chicken tenders, you'd think they'd be good...
Me, on Raising Cane's Chicken Tenders (mediocrity at its worse)

...and the highlight of the night: HOWDY fAGS!
Allen "editing" the parking lot sign that read "Howdy Ags!"...way too easy.

I stopped watching Heroes a couple weeks ago and a friend of mine recently reminded me of it so I thought I'd make a couple observations about it. I left it because the Heroes writers went fucking insane with the writing, adding three twists to each episode. The worst one was when we found out that every character was related...seriously. I'm pretty sure that if Angela Petrelli had AIDS from the time that she was a teenager EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER would also have it. the family through sex or birth, Niki Sanders, D.L. Hawkins, Micah Sanders and who knows who else...then we could call the show "Heroes for Rent." Yeah, I know it's an easy joke, but I like it.

Until next week, don't forget about the contest make sure you DO NOT VOTE...seriously, I cannot stress this enough. Ignore what Leonardo DiCaprio, Sarah Silverman and Kyra Sedgewick said, don't wake up early in the next 8 days to vote. It's a terrible idea, you have to wait in line, most of the states are already locked into the same political party they've been with lately and you'll probably have to listen to someone else's opinion about something...and really, who wants that?

Day 52

2008-10-20T21:30:00.001-05:00

Reality Comics just never caught on...

Line of the Week: Don't even get me started on Chili's Semen -Dan

A big week has been in the works, and by works I mean past tense, and by past tense I mean this sentence doesn't make sense.

I watched the premiere episode of that new TV show: My Own Worst Enemy. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did and I regret it; they should've called it My Own Worst Television Experience. You know what's worse than Christian Slater? Two Christian Slaters...Jesus, that guy is fucking annoying and he's the exact opposite of a badass killer.

I was in my Sociology class and while we were talking about Collective Behavior, which happens when something tragic happens like a hurricane or something, causing people to come together under different circumstances, my teacher was showing us pictures of various infamous events in history and when she came upon a picture of the WTC collapsing and people running away from a large cloud of smoke, she said "Of course you all know what this is." To which I replied, loud and clear, "Oh...yeah, Cloverfield." I'll be damned if it didn't have everyone in the class laughing, save the teacher...and this Indian chick, she started to laugh but I told her she wasn't allowed to.

I bought Punch-Drunk Love (2-Disc Collecters Edition) for $9.99 from Fry's last Wednesday and when I got home and opened up the plastic wrapping, the plastic holding one of the DVDs in place fell on my lap into pieces. The DVD was also scratched to where it would only play maybe 15min. of th emovie before it would skip and go back to the beginning. I took it back on Thursday and after I get my replacement DVD, the guy who was helping me (Imagine an older Bobby Lee with a stronger accent and a deep sadness in his eyes) puts the scratched DVD in the box and sticks a label on it that read "Opened Product - $8.99." Needless to say, if you're buying software of any kind at Fry's, make sure you stay away from the discounted ones, because they don't fucking work...wtf?

I went to an early screening of Zack and Miri Make a Porno with Dan and after sitting down for a bit, we see some kid with an official Pokemon hat on and a Mewtwo shirt on, come in. I immediately say "Oh, shit, Ash Ketchum is here, you'd all better hide your pikachus...even though he technically shouldn't be here because he should be working on completing his Pokedex." Then, Dan reminds me of what movie we're seeing and I exclaim outloud for all those around me to hear "What the hell? This movie is a Kevin Smith film, rated R, about two adults making a porno, and this lady decided to bring her 9 year old kid with her?...what a horrible mother." This made at least 4 strangers around me laugh in surprise...either that or because I actually had the audacity to say that a mother was horrible, who knows? Homero - 1, Parenting Magazine - 0.

I recently found the first CD I ever burned back in the late 90s, I knew it was the first CD I had ever burned because the very first song was Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At?...good times. Oh, and it also had this classic tune.

I've noticed, in the past 2-3 weeks, that a lot of my friends are MUCH more closed minded than I had previously thought. It's astounding and this is where I noticed the little differences between me and other people. You see, where most people would be appalled by this and begin to find new friends, I've actually enjoyed this little enlightenment because it affirms my status as being superior to them. If you assume you're superior to everyone, when you find someone that's really cool or unique and interesting, they shine and stick out in your mind, and if they turn out to be a typical human being, you're not surprised and you continue to live on happily...on a completely unrelated note, I'm officially an enormous fan of Dexter. Seriously, next to The Joker's monologue in the interrogation room from The Dark Knight, this guy has some of the best and most resounding lines I've ever heard.

I'll be honest, I didn't believe we were in a recession of any sort until I was at H-E-B last night and the cashier noticed my mom buying a bug pack of Doublemint gum and said she's probably have to get some as a stocking stuffer. Some packs of gum as a stocking stuffer? I'm pretty sure that's considered an insult in some countries...like The United States. I'd rather not get anything in a stocking than get gum. It's like if I stuffed my mom's stocking with vaginal cleaning supplies, I might as well throw them at her while saying "Here, clean yourself up, you're making us all sick with that smell."

...or something like that.

So I've been having a pretty solid streak of good ideas lately and while I was eating dinner at a pizza place with my mom on Sunday, another one hit me like a shot in a light bulb with a voltage of 1.21 Jigawatts. Egg Pizza. That's right mofos, it's pizza with eggs as a fucking topping that you can have for breakfast! I'm not sure if it's Atkins friendly yet, but I'll check on that later.

I'll leave you with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:

Until next time: Eggs, motherfucker! Do you eat them?!

Day 51

2008-10-13T15:00:00.002-05:00

Amen.

Line of the Week: I'm so left-wing I'm Korean -Me...kinda.

Before I begin typing the next paragraph thing I need to mention that I have an announcement.

I have an announcement:
I tried out for a Comedy Night at Lone Star and I got it, it's November 11th at 7pm at Lone Star, room CENT 135. Here's the Facebook Page for more info...oh, and it's free.

So the Presidential debates happened last week or something...so that's cool I guess. I could talk about them but I didn't watch them, instead I decided to watch reruns of House. Why reruns? I can't remember...oh yeah, it was because the debates canceled the new episode of House for the week...assholes. I did manage to catch a minute though, between a set of boring commercials. John McCain said we went into Somalia as peacemakers and all I could think is "...he's obviously never seen Black Hawk Down, because we went into Somalia as badass mofos...and Orlando Bloom died."

Wednesday I went to Jason's Deli with Nicole and Aaron and while we were eating outside a lady pulls up to a handicapped spot and parks in it and walks out of my line of site. Dumbfounded, I say "What the fuck? That lady wasn't even crippled!" Then she walks back into my line of site whilst holding a baby, and I immediately, without thinking, say "Oh...well maybe her baby' is handicapped." Stupid? Yes, but it was hilarious at the time because, technically, aren't all babies handicapped? Besides, strollers are just really comfy wheelchairs. Now every time I see a baby, I imagine them trying to walk with the help of a pair of 6 inch tall crutches.

Afterwards, Aaron goes to work and Nicole and I hit up Barnes and Noble's for a bit, only to find out that they completely changed the layout of the entire store. While I was in the self-help section looking for the philosophy section all I could think is that I needed self-help book on how to navigate through new Barnes and Nobles layouts. After walking around for a bit, I passed the religion section and paused when I noticed a few things.
They have three Christianity Bibly Sections:

Travel Bibles for the Christian on-the-go.
Bible Bibles for the Stationary Christian.
Study Bibles for the Uneducated Christian that can't read comprehensively.

They also have a Manga Bible, where Jesus is a Ninja...there's part where the image shows Jesus giving/throwing a bunch of stuff at someone and the line, that's obviously straight from the real Bible, is "...and he let it rip!" Don't believe I actually saw it? Click here for a credible documentation of this event.

The next day, before my Sociology class, that ended up being canceled, I had this interesting conversation with this chick from the class. I wish I could make this up but it's true and definitely beating the time I convinced a friend I was Jewish, or convincing a friend at Texas Tech that midgets weren't real (She's a communications major so it doesn't technically count).

Anyways, she was like 17 or something anddefinitely looked like the type that believed Jurassic Park was based on a true story. We were talking about cars and whatnot and I told her that the carborator breaks down the carbs in gasoline. She initially refused to believe this but then I laid told her that that's why it was called a carb-orator, and that the transmission breaks down the Trans Fat in gasoline. She started laughing like it might be silly but I decided to press on. The next line I fed her I was particularly proud of: "Yeah, you know how ethanol is made purely from corn? Well corn, and the oil used in gasoline, also comes from the ground, which is littered with carbohydrates and trans fat and it creates the energy for our cars." She believed it for about 30 seconds when she began to ask her friend about it and between the ensuing spurts of laughter I told her I was joking.

Do you like porn, but not the sex? Me too. Do you like Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni and want to watch them not have sex? Me too! You should check out PG Porn, courtesy of Chud!

In my history class today, we talked about Imperialism and Nationalism, neither of which are interesting, but my responses to my professor's questions caused laughter from him and the students:
Question: What had American's invested in that made them want to annex Hawaii?
My Answer: T-Shirts with flowers on them?

Question: What nationwide common bond makes us all Americans?
My Answer: Miley Cyrus.

I'll leave you with this because it reminds me of myself when I was younger...

Wait, scratch that, I was trying to decide what video to leave you with, but then I remembered this is my website and I can post whateva I wantz, so I'll actually be leaving you with another Jake and Amir video:

DID YOU KNOW...that I have three politic-related items in this entry? Because I totally does.

Day 50

2008-10-06T14:40:00.000-05:00

This is why I'm a Marketing major...

Line of the Week: I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you. -Dwight Schrute

Well look at this, it's my 50th official update...I guess that means I'm allowed to be disrespectful to cops, mix business with pleasure and start my own church and/or cult. I'm not sure which one I'll do first, it's a tough decision, but maybe I'll just eat some shrooms out in the desert and see what the powers-that-be think.

While Anne Hathaway was on Letterman, she forgot what her clip from Rachel Getting Married was about and said that she brain fart, but CBS wasn't having none of that and actually censored it by changing the captions to say "brain freeze." At least I can still watch not-so-subtle racism and stereotyping from my favorite Disney films.

HEB was the name of my destination on Thursday, and while I was in the express lane, you know, for those who live in the fast lane, I picked up some random magazine with Uma Thurman on the cover. Behind it however, was another magazine that had Halle Berry or some other black actress on the cover, which was like a bug zapper to the black lady in front of me. She grabbed the magazine, set it down on the conveyor belt, flipped (not even skimming) through a few pages and decided to buy it...which was illustrated when she put back her bottle of cooking oil. That's right, she had to choose between cooking her family dinner and reading up on the newest Tyler Perry piece of crap, and she ended up choosing the latter.

Thursday night I went to see Blindness, the new film by Fernando Merielles (City of God, The Constant Gardener), starring Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo. Before the film, I read that the National Federation of the Blind (or something similar) was going planning on boycotting the film on the basis of it being offensive, as described by, get this, "some blind patrons who had seen it." First of all, you didn't "see" it, you heard it, and secondly, how many blind people actually go to movie theaters? It's like a deaf person going to a concert, or an amputee entering a swimming competition...there's really no point...then I saw the film. I won't actually review it, but let's just say I was squirming in my seat because of how bad it was, it actually made me envy the blind because they wouldn't have to remember seeing this horrendous "movie" as I did. If you watch this movie and enjoyed it, I'll think less of you as a person...which I'm considering making into a post on The Reel Truth sometime this month.

If you're reading this and wondering to yourself if you're a man or not, here's a quick guide that may help you answer that question.

Friday however, was a completely different story. In the morning after class, I had a weird conversation with some friends and it eventually got around to how we slept. We came to one conclusion, although they may lie about it in front of girls (So they can imagine them in that way), guys don't sleep naked. It's just something you don't do. Who wants their penis just hanging and flapping around at night? Also, sleeping naked deprives you of having a textile layer of protection between you and your bed if you have a wet dream. Messy boxers? 2min. fix and you're back asleep. Messy mattress? Either you find somewhere else to sleep and wash it the next day or you'd better get used to sleeping in your own cum. See? Not a pleasent experience, but a notable observation.

Afterwards, I went home, took a nap, grabbed some McDonalds (Chicken Nuggets) and went to Taylor's house. We chilled there with a couple of friends, watching The Office and talking about politics, religion and whatever else you're not "supposed" to talk about, and then headed off to the movie theater. We went and saw How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, which confirmed my previous allegations that Kirsten Dunst and Megan Fox aren't attractive and can't act (MTV Movie Awards are already being made with their name on them), studios are idiots if they think that sticking Simon Pegg into a terrible American comedy will produce success and that Gillian Anderson is indeed, delicious and a good actress. Then we snuck into Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, which was MUCH better, and even though Michael Cera is starting to get annoying by playing the same person in every movie, film makers refuse to use Kat Denning's 34 DDs to their advantage. We went to Denny's after that and ended up talking outside for over an hour, having pretty healthy conversations...and you know what they say about healthy conversations.

What could I possibly leave at the end of my 50th update that would ensure laughter? Oh wait, this:

Not laughing? Well you're an idiot, but have no fear, Jake and Amir are here: